Harsh title, but hear me out.
I, (32M) have a fiancé , Katie. (30F) Katie spends a lot of time online, consuming a lot of short form content. Over the last year or so, Katie has been watching a lot of autistic creators on TikTok and has been talking about them non-stop. She began making jokes/passing comments about her acting autistic, blaming things on “the tism’” which I mostly ignored.
Then, she brought up seriously to me that she was sure she was autistic and wanted to begin a path to get professionally diagnosed. She explained that these creators had helped her to see her “many symptoms” that she had missed during her life so far. I tried to be supportive, but told her that diagnosis is an expensive and lengthy process, and that she shouldn’t waste time on something just because she saw it online. (I was diagnosed with ADHD as a teenager before college, so I know what it can be like.)
Over the last few months, Katie has been acting way more autistic in ways I have NEVER seen her act. She walks around the house and flaps her hands, she claims to have “meltdowns”, she claims to need “sensory breaks” when I need her to do something such as walk the dogs or do the dishes. One of the most questionable and crazy changes she has made is that she says she feels like she goes “temporarily nonverbal “ when she gets overwhelmed. This entails her not speaking to me with words sometimes in situations anyone should be able to handle, a problem which I repeat she has NEVER HAD BEFORE.
Here’s where I might be the AH: Katie and I took a trip to target to grab a few things and do weekly shopping. After we were there for a little, Katie stopped speaking to me and was covering her ears and actually started CRYING. She has never done this as long as we have been together, 5 years. She sat on the ground and closed her eyes, and I honestly had no sympathy. I told her that I was done with her random decision to act autistic for attention just because of people she had seen online and finished the grocery shopping by myself, walking away from her. When I was done, she was already in the car and wouldn’t speak to me. This was about 8 hours ago, and Katie hasn’t come out of her room, won’t respond to my texts.
I think that she is acting like a baby because of a skewed perception that the internet has given her of a disability that she doesn’t have, and even that it’s mocking people who actually struggle with disabilities. I get that she was obviously going through something, but I was honestly convinced she was doing it for attention or some other issue due to the fact that she’s never expressed these feelings or behaviors until she came across these pages. AITAH?
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You know what just break up with her. If she is autistic she can get it diagnosed if she isn’t that’s no still excuse for you leaving her in target. Just break up .
This is an actual phenomenon with young people. Faking neurodivergent conditions because of tiktok and they want attention or to feel unique. Kids are emulating Tourette’s so much they are triggering actual Tourette’s in themselves. It’s sad and pathetic.
Leaving someone in Target is like leaving a kid in a candy store except now you’re both crying and there are no gummy bears involved.
Dude, NTA. Honestly, it’s a real slippery slope when people start self-diagnosing based on what they see online. If she genuinely feels this way, she should seek some professional advice. Her behavior seems kind of attention-seeking rn, honestly. Nobody likes a faker, esp when it comes to serious stuff like this. Would’ve done the same in your shoes. Being supportive is one thing, playing along with what seems like a whimsical mimicry is another. I hope you guys sort it out.
>Over the last few months, Katie has been acting way more autistic in ways I have NEVER seen her act.
OK, this is a hard one. It’s entirely possible (even likely) she’s faking it for attention like you claim.
But it’s ALSO entirely possible that she actually is autistic and just learned to suppress her behaviors in order to appear “normal”. The thing is, while an autistic person might appear to be perfectly capable of going through Target without having a meltdown or going nonverbal, for them it comes only with an unimaginable amount of effort that takes a huge toll on their mental health. And it’s actually beneficial for that person to stop appearing so “normal” and start letting themselves “be autistic” because it’s better for their mental health in the long run. So many “outwardly normal” autistic people completely burn out in their thirties and forties and end up on disability because they can’t take it anymore.
It could also be a bit of both. She could be actually autistic AND exaggerating her symptoms for attention.
None of us can diagnose her based on just your post alone. Maybe she’s faking, maybe she’s not.
YTA If you’re not ready to understand or do not want to trust her, why are you staying with her ? You clearly don’t want to help her and have no empathy.
Even if she is faking, she still needs to help to stop these behaviors. And you are just here shaming her.
NTA. Katie sounds like she needs to see some kind of doctor. I don’t think she sounds neuro-divergent as much as she sounds addicted to SM and easily influenced, but let a doctor figure that out. Meanwhile, you have your own life to live and I don’t believe you are obligated to stick around for this. At the very least, I think letting her know she needs to actively and immediately seek professional help would be a condition of staying.
NTA. This might sound harsh. But it’s time to part ways. People are either going to think you suck and don’t deserve her or they are going to agree with your decisions.
Time to cut bait
Even if she WAS faking it. That is it’s own mental illness and needs professional help and diagnosis.
She fully believes she has autism. Meaning her brain is experiencing the world through that lens now, and she WANTS to get help for the symptoms that have popped up.
I thought I was autistic when a therapist suggested it to me. My “symptoms” got worse. The world literally got brighter and louder.
Then I got TWO psychologists to evaluate me. They did not find autism. But at least I had support and my family understood when I told them I wasn’t, in fact, autistic.
Basically she needs professional help. She needs compassion. Either she is autistic and needs accommodation, or she’s not and needs to know what IS going on with her.
OP, YTA
If she’s diagnosed with anything it’ll probably be hypochondria. NTA
I wouldn’t say either of you are TA, but time to think long and hard on if you want the rest of your life to be like this
I work with kids that have level 3 autism & they do none of the things that you’ve just described, your wife is an idiot & attention seeker
She’s too damn old to be acting like this. NTA
Whether she is faking this or not, if you have invested years into a relationship, you need to help find a path to resolve this. Get her the mental assistance she needs. Press the issue until something is done. If she really is a total wack job who wants to have purposeful meltdowns, at least you did what you could before walking away.
If you don’t believe her self diagnosis then let her pursue a professional one, because you aren’t going to be doing you or her any favours by continuing like this.
Maybe she is autistic and seeing it more normalised on social media has helped her feel comfortable not putting all her energy into masking, maybe she isn’t and she’s picking up on traits that appear in autism and other conditions which she could have instead such as ADHD and it’s getting a little messy.
Diagnosis isn’t for everyone and it’s not a fun process but it seems necessary here even if only to settle this for you so you can move on with your lives.
This is a hard one because it’s totally plausible she’s been influenced by tiktokers and putting on an act, but also, she could be unmasking and has suppressed these things for years.
However, in saying that, a level of masking is required from everyone in life. Neurodiverse AND neurotypical people. For instance, everyone puts on a mask at work. We are a filtered version of ourselves because it’s what we have to do to be employed, we all have to smile and pretend we’re happy to be there, even if we’re not. Point is, everyone has to mask sometimes, not just neurodiverse people. So when a neurodiverse person learns to unmask, which is amazing, it doesn’t mean you can go around doing whatever you want and there aren’t consequences.
I have adhd and when I tell you it physically pains me to have boring conversations or meetings etc, I’m not exaggerating. But I accept that if I want to be employed, I have to put on a good face and then I can whinge about it when I get home.
To me this is no different than people who fake cancer for attention. She is taking a condition that is extremely life changing for some people and using it get out of being an adult and get attention. You should leave her in her room and walk away from this relationship. I’d be too disgusted to ever look at her again.
NTA. Ugh these ✨tism✨tik toks break autism symptoms down into easily relatable, trendy, bingeable content and make neurotypical people feel like they’ve finally put the peaces together when they’re just putting themselves under a microscope and pathologizing behaviors everyone autism or not does to some capacity. She’s literally placeboing herself into having these “symptoms” to the point they feel real for her and validate her new identity. She really needs a reality check and a screen break but it’s hard to suggest that without becoming the big bad guy.
NTA this is really gross behavior on her part.
NTA. As a mother with a child who has autism, as someone who is affected by it every day…this shit is so offensive. I have an ex coworker who did this. It’s very common with younger generations now. I would personally tell her she needs to get real, you aren’t dumb and you watched her suddenly develop these “symptoms” that clearly weren’t there before and this whole thing is abelist and stupid. It is ABELIST to pretend to have a disability to be “special and quirky”.
If she keeps it up I would leave. Point blank.
Your girlfriend may not have autism, but something is sure going on with her if she has such a strong need for attention. A lot of people are diagnosing themselves with ASD, but an ASD diagnosis is actually tricky and is complicated by the fact there’s overlap with symptoms of other conditions.
I’d encourage her to see a psychologist who specializes in developmental and behavioral issues. (A general therapist is not adequate.) You were wrong to dissuade her from going. If, as you (and I) believe, she is NOT autistic, she needs to hear it from a professional and get some guidance on what her real issues are.
She sounds borderline personality.
I’m tired of people using “mental illness” as a pass to act certain ways. Hell, I have several, I’m in therapy. But you can’t just do what you want and claim a “card”.
man that is embarrassing. Did she even say why she sat on the ground crying out of nowhere? Guess it doesn’t matter if she’s making it all up. I was diagnosed ASD and spend times on subreddits and we talk about people like this. What she’s trying to do is emulate an autistic child or someone with severe autism.
NTA. Some big things:
If she feels these things are real, she needs to cut off these influences and see where that leaves her. If she’s really developing problems? She needs to be working on them – not using them as an excuse or letting it get worse. If the content she is consuming is telling her it’s ok to shut down and act like a baby in public, it’s toxic. Even if she’s developed a real issue… she can’t just let herself fall apart.
Saying this as an autistic person. Learning about it definitely helped me understand when I need a moment… but it isn’t an excuse to not function. It’s a way to navigate around dysfunction.
You sure you want to marry her?
…..this is literally exactly what happened with my boyfriend’s Ex. She was totally normal and then started watching autism tiktoks, is convinced she is autistic and suddenly has twitches and can’t talk to people.
if you don’t think she’s autistic, and you need proof to believe that she is, then i don’t really see why you would talk her out of trying to get diagnosed. i’m sure there will be many people talking about tiktok making people think they’re autistic, but it is true that women go undiagnosed for years and that the behaviors that come with unmasking after that aren’t always great. still, it’s widely regarded as common advice for autistic people to learn how to unmask because the stress it causes in the long run ends up being more detrimental. what will you do if this is the case and katie is telling the truth? i don’t think it’s necessarily wrong to say that you weren’t equipped to deal with these things as a partner and that it’s out of your wheelhouse, and it’s probably better for everyone involved if you think that these types of mannerisms are too much for you to bare.
my sister was diagnosed as autistic at a young age and since learning about unmasking and trying to engage in it more, there’s a lot of stuff that drives our older brother absolutely up the wall, and she’s a diagnosed autistic. he hates that she needs noise cancelling headphones sometimes, hates that she can’t stand to go out, hates that she wont put up with being shamed out of stimming, but from my perspective, the main issue isn’t that he can verifiably prove that these behaviors are bad in any way, it’s just that he personally finds them embarrassing. if my sibling was not forced into situations that were full of uncomfortable stimulus, she would not feel the need to wear noise cancelling headphones or make a scene in public, but these are things that autistic people do to calm down their nervous system. for some autistic people, it might be entirely possible to accept the overstimulation and stress, but to me it’s kind of like asking a PTSD vet to sit through a fireworks show. just because they agreed to put up with it before doesn’t necessarily mean it’s good for them.
tldr: if your partner is guessing correctly and there is in fact autism at play, it is entirely common for things to ‘get worse before they get better’. it would be up to you in this instance to figure out if you would be able to put up with having a partner going through this. i would suggest that they try to go down the path of diagnosis or getting doctor’s opinions, but you should weigh your options *before* they get diagnosed and not just operate on the assumption that they’re wrong.
NTA. Please get her help ASAP. If she IS on the spectrum, she is regressing and needs help yesterday. If she is not, she may have other issues that this is triggering causing her to act out. Or it it for attention. Sometimes it is hard to tell. Professional help is needed!
Plus, couples therapy?
My therapist is still not sure if I have ADHD (39f) or if it is my CPTSD (which can look like adhd). Either way, I try to minimize it all (not always healthy, I know).
Does she get on the floor and roll around to “stim” ? I can’t stand people saying they have something when they’ve literally never been professionally diagnosed.
My kid has autism and it’s so fucking annoying when people say “yeah, well everyone has a little autism.”
>expensive and lengthy process
As a parent of neurodyvergant children. I can 100% say a diagnosis is not a lengthy process. It’s a few hours at most.
The coat of a diagnosis varies but where I am itbwas under 2000 per child.
An adult diagnosis might be more
NTA. I guess you are done. Time to find a proper grown up to have a life with.
I feel like this would do well being cross- posted to r/autism for their POV.
How can you be a fiance to such a disturbed woman? Even if the faux autism is new, there must have been other signs of mental instability along the way. Red flag alert!
I’m going with NAH because I don’t know if Katie is or is not neurodivergent because she hasn’t been evaluated professionally, but I also get that it’s frustrating for you to be in a store and be forced to deal with behaviors that she never had before and then to go 8 hours of silence where she’s shut herself into the room.
My question is: is this the life that you want? Because I would not marry someone who basically seems to have social media induced Factitious Disorder Imposed on Self (Formerly Known as Munchausen Syndrome), and if you’re not going to pony up for the evaluations to confirm/disprove her self-diagnosis, then there’s really no way out of this.
I also wouldn’t want to be in a relationship with someone who goes into the silent treatment. That’s manipulative. And it sounds like a lot of the time her “symptoms” appear are times when it’s really convenient for her to have symptoms. Also manipulative.
Not sure. But I want to share as an autistic person who masked to the extreme due to abuse as a child I used to hide my unusual behaviors the best I could and bottle up EVERYTHING and push through until I spiraled out and self-harmed/attempted suicide. Now that I’m no contact with my family and have been in therapy more than half my life I don’t hide as much. That being said everyone not related to me and even some who are say the signs were always there even when I was living with the mask. I also have met some people with BPD and when they find community or a sense of belonging because they don’t have a sense of self they emulate those who make them feel the most accepted around them. Then their Munchausen syndrome which is why some people suddenly have things they didn’t b4 to get attention. All are real possibilities for your fiancé all need a specialist to diagnose and therapy is part of all three Dx treatments.
NTA. Katie needs to see a counsellor. You can’t get autism through watching Tiktok videos.
I’d be thinking about making her an ex-fiance.
My husband was DX at 48 with ASD and ADHD and there was definitely signs beforehand (together 26 years) he shutdown and went non verbal since day 1 and i just assumed he was a funny fucker 😂 he has relaxed since his DX and talks more about it but he is still the same as he was before just maybe more so as he lets more of it show now. The issue i see is nowadays is that because of SM people know the answers to get a DX when they might not actually have any issues 🙄
YTA. Just break up with this girl if you don’t believe her anyway. How do you know she’s “acting” and not unmasking? Symptoms often appear or are heightened when you drop the mask, and you are more likely to drop it around people you feel safe with.
She is no longer safe with you so let her find someone who can help her.
Actually autistic here, and you’re definitely NTA. It’s exhausting and severely damaging how autism and other neurodivergent conditions have become a trend. I’ve even noticed it with my own friends in the past couple years and it disgusts me. It quite literally just sets us back in terms of awareness and acceptance.
Only you and your partner can really be the judge of this, OP, but it is actually a known phenomenon for people with autism to act “”””’more autistic”””” after being made aware of certain symptoms or after being diagnosed. Some things might be unmasking or stopping hiding that something bothers you as much as it actually does.
It sounds like your partner may be trying different forms of stimming to see what works for her (again, quite common and relatively harmless if done around the house?)
Regardless, dismissing someone for potentially exploring something that is affecting them may not be the approach to take here, or to accuse them of faking. Even if it is a phase, it is not a fruitful approach. This has resonated with your girlfriend for some reason and it would do you and your relationship well to be more charitable than ‘she just wants attention’. What is important for people, neurotypical or not, is that they take care of their needs (which is something I learned a lot about when I had a similar experience to your girlfriend in terms of falling down a social media hole and being like, oh fuck, this sounds a lot like how I feel and act!) – this to say, if the grocery store overwhelms you, go at a different time, wear earplugs and sunglasses. Figure out what you need to take care of yourself and go do it. Don’t put yourself in a position where you know you’re likely to be stressed and then blame other people for not accommodating you.
This is not to say there are places where accommodations aren’t important but it sounds like your girlfriend has been operating with low or no support needs until now, so thinking with that in mind.
I’m not gonna call either of you an asshole here – it looks like there’s quite a lot of potential that something deeper is going on.
Definitely the AH. ADHD and autism are nothing alike. As someone who’s autistic, it can be very confusing and liberating to discover when you might be showing symptoms. Things that have bothered her, confused her, finally are starting to make sense.
I can’t say about the sensory overloads or her other new found habits. Autism is a very wide spectrum and she’s finding where she fits
As someone nd diagnosed in my 30’s…. There’s a chance she’s on the spectrum or has a combo of nd traits and realized she masks a lot. However, it also sounds like she’s exaggerating with things like sitting and causing a scene. Me learning to unmask included things like instead of feeling like I had to try and contribute to every convo even if it didn’t interest me, I’m happy to sit quietly and just listen. Or, I no longer wear uncomfortable clothing just to look a certain way or follow a trend. I used to feel completely crazy in social situations when I’d get overwhelmed, but now I just am honest that I need to step outside for a minute or find a quiet corner rather than mask being ok and being not ok once I got home… those kinds of things. I didn’t suddenly start melting down in public, and typically unmasking relieves a lot of burden that would have led to a meltdown prior to understanding what was going on. Being more authentic and understanding of myself led to less feelings of being overwhelmed, not suddenly more. I don’t think you’re the ah because I’d walk away from my verbally limited ASD kid for doing that till he calmed down and followed me(I’ve totally done it)
As a DIAGNOSED autistic, if your words are truth, and she hasnt acted this way until her “symptoms” started after speaking about these creators, shes offensive af. It was already hard to get diagnosed with what i have as a female(adhd odd and autism plus a few i wont get into because its too personal.) and people like her are the reason that admitting a diagnosis to people or asking for help because of it is assumed you are self diagnosing and wanting attention
Absolutely, YTA. Almost every single diagnosis criteria we have centers around presentation in males in general, and this is especially prevalent with autism. I am 35, and only got an official diagnosis with autism after seeing content on TikTok. I have a physical disability which meant that I was regularly evaluated for special ed services in school (90s-00s), and literally no one ever mentioned the possibility that I could be autistic, because it just isn’t a diagnosis given to girls who can speak. None of us, including you, can speak to whether or not she is “faking”. Yes, she has a responsibility as an adult to understand and communicate her needs. But slip-ups happen, and YTA for literally walking away rather than deal with it, when the only consequence is maybe brief embarrassment on your part. Frankly, you sound More attached to the idea of having a “normal” GF then understanding the journey that your actual GF is experiencing. You say she’s chronically online, so I hope she sees this and realizes she deserves better
I would not get married until she is diagnosed one way or the other.
Some people don’t get diagnosed until their 30s, 40s, 50s, etc. and the people around them often think they act “more” autistic after they begin the diagnostic process, not because they weren’t autistic before, but because they finally feel comfortable unmasking.
Your girlfriend is processing years of suppressed sensory overload, and while she figures out the coping mechanisms that work for her, she may not act like the ‘neurotypical’ person that you’re used to, but that’s because she never was. And if you don’t love her as she is and support her in the journey of finding a new balance, then break up with her. YTA.
She also could have been masking before. I didn’t realise I was autistic till my sons were diagnosed. I didn’t get diagnosed till I was 47. Now I struggle to mask and isms do get worse at times and sometimes not too bad. Tell her to get diagnosed.
Dismissing someone is being an AH