My soon to be husband opened up about his childhood yesterday. I knew it was bad, but I didn’t quite imagine to what extend. He is the victim of some horrendous crimes and my heart is shattered. I’m trying to process it all but I’d want to talk with someone about it to better understand how I can carry this without putting my horror onto him and be supportive in his healing.
Now obviously all our friends and family would instantly know who I’m speaking about if I told them. Do I have the right to share his secret with one person for my own sanity? He would never approve of this as he’s never told anyone and feels so much shame.
How to carry my husband’s big secret
r/Advice
Comments
If it’s a secret then your partner must have reasons to keep it that way. So I’d suggest to stay silent , i don’t mean to force you though.
If you’re desperate to share there is nothing wrong with booking in with a therapist. The effect this can have on you is not made less extensive from how much he has had to suffer. To share this with people close to you and in both of your lives could be crushing and compromise his willingness to be open with you.
If you need to share, share with a professional.
Do not share with anyone you know.
You will 10000% betray his trust.
I have a lot of secrets I want to be able to tell someone about who is meant to be able to keep my secret.
Therapist for me would be fine as I see one bit friends or family I would leave.
Sorry but no, imagine you share your deepest most sensitive secret with a person who you trust the most, your spouse, and then later they say ” hey sorry i couldn’t handle it, so I shared the secret you shared with no one but me, because I couldn’t handle it, and yea I didn’t ask about your permission either as I knew you wouldn’t give it” would you be able to trust that person ever again
Share it only after the other person permits, I believe if the roles were reversed you know what your own answer would be to that question, and most definitely do not share it with family or friends, go to therapist or talk with him about it, but don’t share a person deepest secret just because it burdens your mind a bit, especially when we are talking about the victim of abuse
No it could really be devastating to break his trust, don’t do it. But DO take steps to work on yourself. When I was dating my now wife (this year will be 32 years married) she confessed to me her secret shame about having suffered a lot of trauma in her childhood and as an adult as a result. Then she said, “You have trauma too or you wouldn’t pick me “.
I didn’t argue but also didn’t agree because I thought I hadn’t suffered any trauma and that I didn’t have any deep issues except some immaturity. I was so wrong. Just 3 years ago I began to understand and work on a lifelong avoidant attachment style that limited my ability to love and receive love that had caused me and the people who love me a lot of pain.
Try to focus on all the emotions that your husband’s confession is stirring up in you by honesty delving into your own past and work hard on discovering your own issues in an accountability relationship like seeing a therapist and or going through a 12 step program (a 12 step program for adult children of alcoholics helped me to admit I experienced a lot of emotional neglect and how it warped my perspective and behavior in relationships even though my parents didn’t drink).
TLDR Try not to give in to the temptation to make it all about your husband and miss this opportunity to work on yourself to be able to support him in as healthy a way as possible.
The only person you can share this with really is a therapist who is bound to keep your confidentiality there are exceptions to this obviously but I think that a professional Therapist is your best bet to offload onto he doesn’t have to know you can take one visit maybe two and then you’ve had the chance to offload these horrendous secrets you’re holding that is your right to do that. I won’t feel guilty about wanting to do it. We all need an avenue to offload best of luck
I would say the only person you could/should talk about it with is a licensed counselor or therapist.
Edit: I finished my three year therapy 1 month ago and I was so excited to be “therapy free” for the first time in forever! Guess I’m gonna have to go back..
hey op you’re definitely not alone in feeling this way. it’s a huge thing to carry and it’s totally valid that it’s messing with your head a bit. i get that you’re not trying to betray him at all, you just need somewhere to put the weight.
but yeah the safest move here is to talk to a therapist. it’s not about going behind his back, it’s about taking care of yourself so you can be there for him without making it about your own spiraling. even if it’s just one or two sessions, that outside perspective could help a lot.
i know it sucks to feel like you’re “back in therapy” after just finishing it, but healing isn’t a one-and-done thing. this doesn’t mean you failed or that you’re broken again, it just means life threw you something new and you’re handling it like a decent human.
you clearly care a lot about him. just make sure you’re not carrying this alone for too long.
Just talk to him. Tell him how you felt when he told you. That he was able to confide in you means he truly loves and trust you. You two need to talk through this together. If by doing so together perhaps healing can begin. So don’t betray that love and trust.
If you need help processing his abuse, find a therapist. They can give you tools to better understand and support him. Unloading on a family member or friend isn’t the way.
NO!!! Do not share this with anyone! And do not break his trust! If you need to share with anyone it can only be an actual therapist!
Yes, I agree, share it with your therapist. Beside that, you can also offer him option to process the trauma with therapist.
What happened?