How much does it matter in a relationship what a womans father is like?

r/

(English is my third language, sorry for mistakes)

So the question: Do you ever judge a woman based on what her father is like? If so, how much? Does it matter if the woman is perfect in every way but this?

I am asking this because my dad is a joke of a man. I do feel very bad for him, because deep down I still love him. He is a drunk weak man. He does not work or do any chores around the house. He mostly drinks and plays on his computer.

How this has effected me: I matured in some ways earlier than my peers, because I had to step into my fathers place. I am very cautious of getting in a relationship. Not in a ”all men are trash🤪” or ”I hate all men” way. I am just scared that they are going to hurt me like my dad hurt my family. I know it’s not realisticly gonna happen, but its a subconscious thing. In other ways a have no steriotypical ”fatherless traits”. For an example: I am very feminine and I do not sleep around. I am still scared that I am going to be judged for the way my father is.

Comments

  1. SANcapITY Avatar

    It’s important how the father relates to the daughter and vice versa. If he was abusive or neglectful, then how has that impacted their child, because that had consequences for the person I’m interested in dating.

    Your relationship to your parents is a big part of you, and I want/need to know all about YOU.

  2. ElegantMankey Avatar

    It doesn’t matter at all unless he is dangerous.
    If he will burn my car because I kissed his daughter before marriage its just not something worth it.

  3. flying-sheep2023 Avatar

    You’re on the right track, just don’t become your worst enemy. I knew a girl who was amazing in every aspect but would never stay in a relationship because she’d be worried the guy will leave one day like her father left her

  4. SquareVehicle Avatar

    Not much. But it also strongly depends on how close they are, how often they see each other, how much they are aware of the impact it’s had on them, and most importantly of all, how much “control” they have over them currently.

    You can’t control who your family is but the important part is the impact that ends up having on the relationship.

  5. SouthernStruggle1509 Avatar

    Me personally would care about that as long as he isn’t dangerous or mean.

  6. 8livesdown Avatar

    Men’s opinion of your father will be shaped by what you tell them.

    Instead of telling men your father is “a joke”, let them form their own opinion.

    If you’re dating a man, you’ll probably need to warn them about some things (your father’s drinking). But say negative things only when necessary, and try to focus on facts, not opinion.

  7. ThatMBR42 Avatar

    What matters more to me is whether she has a good male role model. It doesn’t have to be her father, but it needs to be someone. People who don’t have good male role models tend to fall into patterns of resentment and projection toward men in general.

  8. HappyDancin9 Avatar

    You’re asking if it matters how her father is? When you dont want to be judged by how the way your father is?

    Are you hoping to find a more fatherly figure in your future father in law? Or are you concerned about how her relationship with her father might be a negative one, and then how it might somehow sabotage your relationship?

    I think you need to think about what makes you concerned about why you ask this question and then draw your own conclusion.

  9. Boglehead101 Avatar

    It matters a lot, was he neglectful when she was in her formative years. Is there a history of alcoholism, is he a narcissist?

    Did he provide for his family? What’s the relationship between her parent like, are they supportive and loving of each other? What’s the relationship like with his daughter, will she be telling him tales from the marriage.

    I won’t comment on my situation but life lessons these pitfalls have created were learned too late. Family of origin is significant.

  10. Alone-Custard374 Avatar

    It matters a lot to me. My first ever girlfriend who I only went out with for 2 weeks was obsessed with me and took me to meet her father at a drug house he was running. He was a gang member. He offered me a lot of drugs. I didn’t take any. Then he gave a parcel of drugs to my girlfriend, his daughter, and told us to wait outside quickly when some other guys arrived. She was really tense. I found out afterwards her dad had given her stolen drugs and was hiding them from the gang president who had just arrived. That’s why he told us to go outside quickly. If they had known we had that shit on us we would have been beaten to a pulp. Her dad had been in and out of jail her whole life. She barely saw him and when she did he just used her.

    My wife’s father in comparison is a bass player and a wonderful father and husband and reliable, loyal, loving and calm. My wife is so chill and drama free.

    And it ain’t just the father you know. What her mother is like is just as important as her father.

  11. MusyaTheGreat1256 Avatar

    I definitely won’t blame child for the sins of their parents. Children don’t take ANY responsibility for the actions of their parents. 

    The thing I will be careful of though, is how she views relationships based on the one her parents had/have. 

    Please, correct me if I’m wrong, I think that people mostly repeat their parents relationship, even if they deny that. So in a situation like this, I’d expect her to either expect the same behaviour as her father from me or to actually wanting me to be just like her father (yeah, even if she views him as a very problematic person. Because that’s what she’s used to as a child).

    Of course, people have their own will and can act completely opposite of how their parents were. But this is very hard to do and requires a lot of effort.

  12. SuburbanBushwacker Avatar

    even a dead man casts a shadow