I’m a 27M in a one year relationship with a 26F. One of the recurring issues we have is how differently we communicate. I’m pretty emotionally expressive; I like to talk openly about how I feel, what I’m thinking, and how things in the relationship are affecting me. I value that kind of transparency, especially when things feel off.
But my girlfriend isn’t like that. She prefers to keep things to herself. She rarely initiates emotional conversations and doesn’t really like diving into “deep talks.” When I do open up or try to talk through something serious, she’ll sometimes respond with one-word replies like “cool,” or she’ll seem annoyed that I brought it up at all. She tells me that I like drama and whenever I initiate a deep conversation about things that cause problems in our relationship, she doesn’t respond well. She says if I could learn to just shut up and let things go, we could be happy. That usually leaves me feeling shut down or like I’m being “too much.”
I’m starting to wonder: is it actually immature or unattractive for a man to be emotionally expressive in a relationship? Or are we just incompatible communication-wise?
Would appreciate any honest thoughts especially from people who’ve been in relationships with this kind of mismatch.
TL;DR: I’m an emotionally expressive guy and my girlfriend isn’t. She avoids deep conversations and sometimes seems annoyed when I try to open up. Is it immature for a man to want emotional connection, or are we just not compatible in how we communicate?
Comments
It’s not immature to be emotionally expressive. You and your girlfriend just communicate differently. She may avoid deep talks, but dismissing your feelings isn’t healthy. Finding a middle ground is important, but if you feel shut down often, you might jot be the best fit communication-wise. Wanting emotional connection is completely normal
That’s very odd that your partner is bashing you for wanting to work on communication in the relationship. Does she have any underlying past trauma where she tries to suppress emotions? Or do you think it’s a personality trait?
Truthfully, relationships are a life long project where conflict and disagreements will come up frequently. It will be up to you decide whether you can envision a life with her if she doesn’t change and refuses to communicate.
To answer you other question, your willingness to want communication is a green flag and shows you are mature. You are definitely not the problem.
>She says if I could learn to just shut up and let things go, we could be happy.
So what she really means is “if you just pretended there were no issues, I could be happy. You’d still be unhappy, but I could ignore that.”
Now look, playing devil’s advocate, of course maybe you’re unloading too much or whatever, but based on what you’ve written that’s not the case, you’re just bringing up regular day to day feelings, concerns, and she isn’t interested at all. Doesn’t seem like she’s engaging a bit but then it becomes too much, she just dismisses everything as “drama”, and you’re left unheard, and increasingly resentful.
No it’s not immature or unreasonable to want emotional connection, you’re just incompatible. Maybe she’s emotionally stunted or insensitive, or maybe you’re just on different wavelengths, but at best you feel how you feel, and she doesn’t really have any interest in that.
Easy to jump straight to “break up”, but she’s unlikely to change, and you shouldn’t have to change. So you need to think about whether this is really the right relationship for you, if you want to keep things bottled up to “keep the peace” when that won’t magically make your concerns vanish.
I can say many people value a man with a full range of emotional expression and willingness to communicate, I know I do! Look at how many people come on here complaining their husbands and boyfriends won’t talk to them about how their feeling, you’re just in the same boat with a woman! You two may not be compatible.
Your girlfriend shouldn’t be dismissing your feelings like that SHE’S the immature one if anything. She sounds emotionally repressed as hell and if you don’t seriously talk about it with her you’re just going to end up carrying the emotional weight of the relationship and that isn’t sustainable.