We’re due to get married this October, but recently things have just been really shitty between us.
My fiancé is literally my best friend and i know that I love him, but his actions the past couple of months have been making question if that’s how i would want my future husband to be.
On more than one occasion, my fiancé has over drank and left me alone to figure out how to get us both home safely. The first time was during a cabin trip where we were more than 3hrs away from home. It was late and he promised that he would stay up late with me while I drove and that we’d have a fun time listening to music and podcasts. He proceeded to keep drinking while I drove and eventually fell asleep 30 mins into the 3 hr drive. He fell asleep hold the beer can and would get upset with me when I’d wake him up begging him to either dump the beer or please finish it since it was making me uncomfortable.
The second time was at a concert again in a different city. We had separated during the concert due to the music being a little too much for me, so I decided to stand at the back of the venue where it was less crowded and loud and he stayed at the front. When it was over he comes to find me and again he is completely drunk. He could barely talk or even walk properly and I had to pretty much drag him back to the car where again he passes out and I have to figure out how to get us home safe.
Both episodes were less than a month apart.
I feel like I’m not truly benefiting at all from the relationship. I’m the one that figures out all the bills, cooks, cleans, fixes things in the apartment, and just overall takes care of things. When I ask for help it either never gets done or he will rush to get it over with and actually end up make things worse. It’s gotten to the point that I realize that’s I have no confidence in his ability to handle things.
Sex in itself is a whole other issue…he starts acting like a child whenever I don’t want to be intimate. We don’t have sex often and it’s been an issue the past couple of years.
I’ve just been having a hard time feeling attracted to him. I’m constantly overstimulating, tired, or stressed out about something. It’s been hard to feel attracted to him when it feels like I’m constantly taking care of him like I’m his mother.
Lastly, and this just happened last night. We live in an apartment and last year a neighboring unit had an issue with roaches which trickled into our unit.
The experience traumatized me since again I was the only one constantly dealing with the problem. I cleaned constantly by myself, bought expensive treatments with my own money, and kill whatever I found.
It was such a terrible experience which I constantly cried about and told him how much it affected me.
Now that it’s summer again, I found a baby roach in our shower which has never happened before and last night saw one crawling over is stove. Each time I completely freaked out, told him, and started cleaning and treatment.
Instead of helping me he does this thing where he basically tells me that I’m over reacting and that it’s probably a “one time thing”. He constantly does this whenever I’m stressed about something and tells me I’m just overthinking. I hate this the most because it truly makes me feel alone. Last night I cried about it because I just do not have the mental capacity to deal with another bug problem. ESPECIALLY with being the only one planning the wedding and taking care of things at home.
I don’t know what to do.. I love him but he acts very selfishly and I don’t feel valued, protected, or respected. Idk if it’s just a rough patch that we’re going through but it really sucks and with the wedding basically 2 months away…I’m starting to feel terrified about what my future with him will look like.
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Don’t get married
You should be having second thoughts. Marrying him means a lifetime of this trend. You’re not attracted to him and you’re doing all of the physical and emotional labor of running the household. Not to mention all the caretaking of someone with a drinking problem.
You are very young. If you end it now it means you don’t have to go through a big public wedding only to divorce down the road. Ending an engagement is much quieter and faster. And then you’ll have your whole life ahead of you to find someone who actually wants to be with you and build a life collaboratively.
It will never get better. Men’s behaviors only get more extreme and unrepentant after a marriage. Leave him.
Listen to what your gut instinct is desperately trying to tell you. You’re literally terrified.
You really, really don’t want this for the rest of your life and you know it.
I think you know exactly what to do. Don’t be a helpless bystander in your own life. Do NOT marry this man.
It doesn’t sound like a rough patch. With the wording you used it seems as though he’s always been this way. And he is giving you a glimpse of what your future will be like if you stay with him.
I was in a similar situation years ago and chose to ignore the red flags and marry him anyways. It was an expensive divorce for me.
Do yourself a favor and don’t marry him. He treats you like shit and doesn’t respect or really even like you. A real man who loved you would never drink to the point of passing out and leave you to figure out how to get you guys home.
He sounds like a child and that is not someone you want to marry.
You should not marry him. If you marry him, you will look back and feel angry and embarrassed that you married him when you already had all these signs that this wasn’t a good situation.
(That being said, I do feel a bit bewildered at your description that you “had to figure out” how to get home when you were in a functional car you were capable of driving and presumably had a phone with GPS. I’m not sure what the puzzling part was.)
If he is your best friend, you need to get better friends. Re-read everything you wrote and consider whether you are viewed and treated with respect by him. It won’t get any better and in all honesty, will probably only get worse. Is this what you want for yourself? Your future? Making a good choice now will be way easier than making a good choice years into a bad marriage that depleted your emotional and financial resources.
Give the ring back and break up. He’s awful
It seems to me like you’re the only one caring about the other while he’s doing whatever he pleases and you’re there to ensure his safety. I’m going to suggest you think about getting married being it seems to me you’re his parent or care taker and he isn’t inputting anything that suggests you are more than that and are both equal.
Repeat after me: love in a relationship means nothing if it is not supported by mutual respect, shared accountability, peace of body and mind. Sounds like you only have love going on here and you are on the way to (rightfully so) turning this into resentment. Shake this mf off,before he drags you to the bottom with him.
Never get married if you’re having second thoughts. Especially if the behavior of your partner is why you’re having second thoughts. If you marry him as is, he’ll only get worse.
Post pone/end engagement at VERY least. Running the hell away from this manchild is the best bet, imo.
This is not going to get better. Leave now; I know it seems overwhelming with the upcoming wedding, but it’s so much easier than getting divorced. I learned this one the hard way a few times: You deserve someone who values and respects you, not a grown man you’ll have to parent.
Honey, it sounds like he is extremely immature and is working on becoming an alcoholic. He doesn’t help around the house. He’s let your home be infested with roaches. You may love him, but he doesn’t love you. Time for him to fly.
Do not marry a childish lazy dishonest drunk.
>I love him but he acts very selfishly and I don’t feel valued, protected, or respected.
You should ask yourself why on earth you believe you love him, and why you feel an obligation to him, when it it abundantly apparent he absolutely does NOT love you.
Try to value yourself more and stop throwing away your love and time on someone who is just using you.
To him, you’re a servant and a mommy and free sex and maid service.
You dislike this. It makes you miserable. You know he is not going to change.
This guy is an anchor around your neck. Marrying him would be like jumping overboard.
Don’t do it. Walk away. Pack up and get out.
You answered your own question when you recognized that you are getting nothing out of this relationship.
There’s no chance he will get better because you want it to happen. He has to want to change & be willing to do anything to make it happen. That includes getting himself into treatment.
I do recommend that you spend some time with Al-Anon.
Get away while you still can; stop enabling him & let him be free to self destruct without dragging you down with him.
He needs to live on his own, and be made to look after himself. What’s the betting he basically went to his parents place to living with you, without learning that he needs to be independent. I agree with others that you need to split up. You’re years ahead of him maturity wise. I expect that if you do split up he finds someone else to look after him super quick.
The love you feel for him pales in comparison to the shitty non supported life you are facing with this probably alcoholic AH. RUN!
I feel you, it sounds like this dude’s antics are driving you up the wall! His entitled behavior over those roaches is really uncalled for and says a lot about how he’ll likely handle bigger issues down the line. You deserve so much better than someone who dismisses your concerns and makes you feel crazy. Take a hard look at whether you really want to spend the rest of your life with someone like that… but hey, remember, there are amazing men out there waiting for a smart, strong woman like you, don’t settle for anything less!
Yikes don’t marry him! It’s okay to break up now rather than end up in divorce. Sometimes just loving someone isn’t enough to build a future. Eventually you’ll end up resenting them and your life. I’d hate to think if kids are in the mix. Well, he’s like a kid or manchild. Good luck whatever you decide.
Read what you wrote 10 times. You are doing all the work in this relationship and he doesn’t respect your contributions. He sounds like he has a drinking problem. You do not want to marry someone who is already waving red flags. Do you have friends or family you can stay with while you unwind this relationship? Your bf isn’t going to change, so it’s up to you to do what is in your best interests. And that is to leave this loser ASAP.
It’s a difficult concept to get that you can love someone so much and still not have a future with them when it’s what you wanted so long.
Marriage is a huge commitment. It also comes with a new set of challenges that exacerbates the current problems. You definitely should not marry if anything in you thinks that it isn’t right or before you’ve dealt with these issues.
The drinking to oblivion is selfish, immature, irresponsible and puts you both at risk. The fact that he doesn’t take your concerns seriously, gaslights you and doesn’t place a priority on your mental health, needs or concerns enough to step up and help you take care of your home means you’ve legitimate reasons to be concerned. These behaviors aren’t going to change either marriage or kids.
I say this repeatedly, but you don’t love HIM. You love who you think he is or who you hope him to be, but that person does not exist. If he is the same person 2-10 years from now, will you look back and ask yourself why you wasted your time or will you look back on those years fondly? You know the answer to that question. If you will not be happy with the person he is now, DO NOT MARRY HIM!!
Dump him and call off the wedding, easier and cheaper to end it now than a divorce later. You are overwhelmed now, can you imagine adding kids to the mix, yikes!
You need to run as fast as you can from this man trust me it will not get better. He sounds very immature and also sounds like he has an alcohol problem. He shoves all the responsibilities off on you doesn’t make you feel safe, which is very important in a relationship. You should both be working as a team not independently. Think about your future. What happens when there are children involved, that will be another added responsibility that you alone will have to handle. You are young. Let this man go and find true happiness and only you can do that.
Run
Your fiance is 1. an alcoholic based on what you described 2. Immature 3. Irresponsible 4. emotionally unavailable 5. Non sopportive. Easier to end an engagement than to untangle from a divorce. While you can stay and be supportive, it does sound like he lacks awareness and accoutability and is doing nothing to improve. He should want a better version of himself for you both! Do you really want an unequal partner that you have to play mommy to? Also, ask yourself why you are scared to take control and put an end to this nonsense because you need to know yourself better and what you really want.
Save yourself. Marriage amplifies everything. Good or bad.
there are so many great guys out there that will value, protect, & respect you. and i’m really sorry you’ve had to deal with a gaslighting man child.
i could feel your fear about them even through a screen. that man will only get worst when he has trapped you in a marriage. please do not marry this man.
If your best friend came to you with this story, what would you tell her? …. Yeah. Take your time to sort your life away from this man child. Don’t marry him, you don’t want to be disrespected and “overreacting” (aka being an adult) in your future.
Cut your losses, return the ring and good luck!
Just wondering if the over drinking is something new. If it is, there is probably something on his mind that is causing it. As for the cockroaches, you have to understand that while people don’t like them, not everyone is going to freak out over them either. The fact is, you will never get rid of cockroaches, they always come back.
Honey. Break up with him now, before the wedding , instead of getting a divorce a couple years down the road. It’s going to hurt you both to break up, but getting a divorce and possibly having a baby or babies to factor in is going to be much more painful and a lot more expensive. My heart hurts for you, breaking up is painful and hard to do. I just recently have went through a break up myself, except we were together 20 years; married 13 and have two preteen Sons. I promise you that my only regret was not leaving years sooner. Your gut is trying to help you, and it speaks volumes on your intelligence and maturity in the way you’re expressing and handling this experience.
Do not marry this man. He will get worse not better after marriage. If you want kids, this isn’t who you want to have them with. You need a break up.
I think you know what you need to do. You’ve told us this man does not make you feel safe, supported, respected, or prioritized. He does not treat you with compassion when you are afraid or struggling, and he does not listen when you tell him he is hurting you. You feel alone and afraid in this relationship.
As others have said, ending an engagement is much quicker, quieter, and less difficult than ending a marriage. It will be very hard to do, but you need to love yourself enough to do what is right for you. End this engagement, mourn the relationship, and then find someone who makes you feel loved, respected, and seen.
I am currently living this. I married the guy who dismissed my stress and left me to manage everything alone. It didn’t get better – it got worse. Now I carry the weight of a whole household and family with zero real support.
If he’s showing you now that he won’t show up for you emotionally or practically, BELIEVE HIM. Love IS NOT enough without respect, effort, and partnership. Don’t ignore the red flags just because a wedding is close and you are worried about the pressures of family or what people will think. YOU DESERVE MORE 💗🌸