I am posting this from my boyfriend’s account. And just a heads-up — this will be a long read, with a lot of details I believe are important, because I genuinely want to know if I’m in the wrong here.
I live with my sister “S” and my boyfriend “B” — we rent an apartment together in a city that’s considered expensive by our country’s standards. To be clear, we’re not struggling, but we mostly only have enough for basic needs: rent, food, and occasional new clothes from fast fashion stores. My boyfriend and I both work, but my sister lives off money from our parents. We split rent and utilities three ways, but most of the groceries and household goods are paid for by me and my boyfriend.
We often treat her to good food, and just recently I bought her a new phone for her birthday since her old one completely broke. I gave it to her a month and a half early so it’d be more convenient for her, and she’s still getting a small birthday gift on the actual day — a dinner and some things related to her interests.
A few days ago, she told me that she and our mom are planning a short trip abroad (3–4 days) at the end of summer or early autumn. They want to visit a nearby country where our uncle lives and plan to stay with him. But here’s the thing — he’s not a good person. He’s never cared about us, and none of us talk to him except for our mom. So expecting him to cover any expenses beyond offering a place to sleep is pointless.
They haven’t shared all the details of the trip with me, but they plan to visit a few cities nearby, and just for the transport alone it’ll cost them about $150 for each one of them. I know that doesn’t sound like much, but that’s basically a week of work for me. Neither S nor our mom works — mom lives on government support, and S gets some money from our dad (alimony) and a bit from mom and grandma. She keeps saying she’ll find a part-time job but hasn’t done it yet.
Obviously, the trip will cost more than just $150 — they’ll need food, entertainment, and it’s important to note that while it’s a neighboring country, prices there are higher than ours. When my sister first told me about the plan, I was caught off guard and reacted a bit harshly. I said they can’t afford it, and that this trip could impact my financial stability too. I also told her she shouldn’t be traveling with mom because their relationship is tense, and they shouldn’t rely on our uncle because he’s always acted like he’s above us.
S didn’t listen — she just dropped the subject. I talked to my boyfriend and to a close friend, and they both agreed with me, but I still don’t feel 100% confident that I’m in the right.
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I am posting this from my boyfriend’s account. And just a heads-up — this will be a long read, with a lot of details I believe are important, because I genuinely want to know if I’m in the wrong here.
I live with my sister “S” and my boyfriend “B” — we rent an apartment together in a city that’s considered expensive by our country’s standards. To be clear, we’re not struggling, but we mostly only have enough for basic needs: rent, food, and occasional new clothes from fast fashion stores. My boyfriend and I both work, but my sister lives off money from our parents. We split rent and utilities three ways, but most of the groceries and household goods are paid for by me and my boyfriend.
We often treat her to good food, and just recently I bought her a new phone for her birthday since her old one completely broke. I gave it to her a month and a half early so it’d be more convenient for her, and she’s still getting a small birthday gift on the actual day — a dinner and some things related to her interests.
A few days ago, she told me that she and our mom are planning a short trip abroad (3–4 days) at the end of summer or early autumn. They want to visit a nearby country where our uncle lives and plan to stay with him. But here’s the thing — he’s not a good person. He’s never cared about us, and none of us talk to him except for our mom. So expecting him to cover any expenses beyond offering a place to sleep is pointless.
They haven’t shared all the details of the trip with me, but they plan to visit a few cities nearby, and just for the transport alone it’ll cost them about $150 for each one of them. I know that doesn’t sound like much, but that’s basically a week of work for me. Neither S nor our mom works — mom lives on government support, and S gets some money from our dad (alimony) and a bit from mom and grandma. She keeps saying she’ll find a part-time job but hasn’t done it yet.
Obviously, the trip will cost more than just $150 — they’ll need food, entertainment, and it’s important to note that while it’s a neighboring country, prices there are higher than ours. When my sister first told me about the plan, I was caught off guard and reacted a bit harshly. I said they can’t afford it, and that this trip could impact my financial stability too. I also told her she shouldn’t be traveling with mom because their relationship is tense, and they shouldn’t rely on our uncle because he’s always acted like he’s above us.
S didn’t listen — she just dropped the subject. I talked to my boyfriend and to a close friend, and they both agreed with me, but I still don’t feel 100% confident that I’m in the right.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1 – because i am trying to make my sister cancel the trip: 2 – because maybe i am just jelaous and am taking away new experience from my sister
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
Stop subsidising your sister.
If she only pays rent then that’s all she gets – accommodation. Nothing else.
NTA
But you cannot change her. Only she can do that.
YTA. You can’t take control of someone else’s finances because you’re worried they might not be able to pay for rent in the future. If she doesn’t you can deal with it then. Also what was the point of pointing out that you bought her a birthday gift, does that give you control of her somehow?
NTA: however, not your problem if she can’t afford it or if the uncle sucks, or if their relationship with mom sucks. Let her learn her lessons. You will be the asshole if you keep trying to talk her out of it or control her. There is only ONE thing YOU can control, that is yourself! Your generosity with your sister is extended beyond what your required to do. Now I understand being nice and wanting to help her, but clearly shes taking advantage if shes eating your food for free and then going on a vacation. If you don’t want to pay for her food you should have a conversation with her about that.
NTA, If sincere, not spiteful. She is of age to do as she wants AND deal with the results of her actions. Tell her how you feel, possible ramifications and failures so you feel satisfied she can make a reasonable decision. Then follow up with the facts that IF they do go you are not in any financial situation to help or bail them out if anything goes wrong. If need be also mention that if anything changes to affect you, your BF and living situation she would be left hanging.
Older enough to choose and live life also means dealing with those results.
NTA because you’ll end up helping out financially when they fall short, right? So you have the right to tell them your opinion. You might consider telling them, “OK go ahead, but I don’t have any money to spare when you fall short, so please keep that in mind.” But only say that if you’ll stick with it.
There are two things going on here.
you are hurt that mom somehow found money for her and sis to travel, while you are left out. That is an issue between you and your mom (and possibly dad). You can try having a conversation about how you feel things are not equal.
you are mad that you work and support her while she has it “easy”
Here’s the thing. That pattern of babying and spoiling sis. You’re guilty of that too. Maybe because you want to or maybe it’s conditioning, but you do it too. Expensive gifts, zero responsibilities. Here you can only change yourself by recognizing the pattern and changing your behavior. NTA
NTA – how old is sis? Over 18? If so you have no say if they go or not. You just need to make them know that you do NOT have the funds to bail them out if they do not have the funds. Make that perfectly clear to them, that you can NOT help them out. Make it clear that SIS still has to pay her portion of rent. IF she goes and can’t pay (or doesn’t pay you back within a couple months) she has to move out so you can get someone in that will pay. Make them both sign something that YOU can’t help them so they are fully aware of their situation. You will need to stick with it. No funds. Otherwise, they will always depend on your to bail them out.
YTA for thinking that you get a vote in your sister’s, and you mom’s, decisions. You get to have an opinion, not a vote.
The only thing you can control is YOUR use of YOUR finances and resources. As others have mentioned, you’ve been conditioned that your sister’s comfort matters more than yours does. It doesn’t. You don’t want her to be uncomfortable, but when has she actually ever been truly uncomfortable, or even slightly inconvenienced? She has her people protecting her from that. You likely know that any “inconvenience” of her’s really becomes your problem and you don’t want to deal with her in that state. You’d rather “keep the peace”. The problem with that is YOUR peace is never considered and you’ll never truly know your own peace.
Both your sister and your mother sound like takers. Takers take; it’s what they do. They take until the giver either has nothing left to give or finally stops giving. They’ll then find someone else to take from and blame you for their woes. That never changes.
Please Google and read Harpy’s Child to see how that resonates with you. If it does, it opens an avenue of support.
NTA. You have your opinion. Let them figure it out, it sounds Iike it won’t happen. Just don’t give any money. She should have a job anyway, stop subsidising her.
NTA
The issue isn’t you not wanting sister to go; the issue is that you are paying for her life, yet she wants to go on a trip that she can’t afford.
If you are paying for the phone plan, stop immediately. Don’t give her a gift or meal on her birthday. If she wants to eat, then she needs to find a *full-time* job. Tell her that if she goes on this trip, that you will not give her another cent, and stick to it.
I’m betting a lot of money that you were more financially independent at her age than she is. If you don’t cut her off, then she will mooch from you as long as you allow it. If you permit her to live irresponsibly then you’ll have no one to blame but yourself.
YTA, stop mothering grown adults who aren’t your responsibility. So what if they don’t have the money for the trip, they’ll need to figure out,
NAH, just bad decisions. Remember this when they start hitting you up for money, and they will, you can then say “No” without guilt.
Maybe your sister needs to move out if she can’t take care of herself and chooses to spend her money on trips instead of food.
You “want her to be comfortable”. Who is paying for your comfort? You are. So why should your sister not help out and provide her own comfort? Why can’t she get a job? Stop providing extras. Your sister needs to learn to be responsible for her own needs.
Do not fund any of this trip. This is not your responsibility. If things go wrong, let them figure it out.
You are doing too much for others who are capable of doing for themselves.
NTA but you also should stop enabling her. The real world isn’t as nice as you are
It doesn’t matter if you’re right or not. They can make their own choices. But it sounds like you and your bf need to make some changes and stop carrying your sister. She’s not your responsibility. You buy her food. You’re paying for her new phone. She’s not getting a job. She’s just living off other people. She’s not learning to grow up, and you are part of that problem. She’s going to be a useless adult until she has to take some responsibility for herself. It’s time to cut the apron strings. You might find, if you do, that’s what really has gotten under your skin. NTA
Doesn’t matter if you’re right.
They can do what they want. Stop treating your sister. She’s taking advantage. NTA.