I just completed an English PhD in a major university in the UK and, unfortunately, it was overall a negative experience. What is making matters worse, however, is that I cannot stop comparing myself to the others in my cohort, all of whom have gone on to have successful early academic careers and are making me feel like I was the runt of the litter and a failure. Specifically, almost everyone from my cohort has gone on to a post-doc position, most have made deals with major publishers that are interested in their dissertations, others are publishing creative works and contributing to prestigious journals and generally being recognised by the academy.
Meanwhile, the PhD and personal circumstances in my life over the past four years have made me completely disenchanted with academia. My viva was terrible and I scraped by with major corrections while everyone else got to celebrate. I am considering not attending the graduation because of how depressed and humiliated the experience left me.
I got a job teaching at a small private university where the money is good and I feel like I am making a difference in the lives of adult learners, but it perversely feels like a downgrade from where I studied and where my colleagues now are at. I know that is elitism at its finest, but it’s a hard feeling to shake off. What is harder is being at peace with no longer identifying as an “academic,” the profession I spent a decade pursuing.
The thing is, I am not unhappy. The job is good and I enjoy boots-on-the-ground teaching more than I ever did pure research. I have a good life with a partner and friends and family that are proud of me. But the academic achievements of my peers make mine feel minuscule and insignificant and I can’t stop ruminating on this.
Would appreciate hearing people’s take on this, stories or advice. Thank you guys.
Comments
Stop comparing yourself to others. Your profile probably does not look like theirs because that profile is not you. As you said, you enjoy teaching over pure research. Probably many of them feel the opposite. Either way, if you are happy, that is the goal — not whatever path others have taken or might (you think) have expected you to take.
I think to some degree all of us deal with similar feelings at some point, especially during the first decade post-PhD. So, in that sense your feelings are not unusual. But I think your concluding remarks are very important to showing yourself the path forward: you have plenty of tangible things to be grateful for and to be proud of. Focus on those things actively and make every effort to stop comparing yourself to others. There will always be someone who is better or more successful than we are; we’ll lose our minds if we focus on those people instead of our real achievements.
I would highly recommend you read this article (it’s very short): https://aslopubs.onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/full/10.1002/lob.10579
If you enjoy teaching over research, then you don’t really want their life anyway. That is a very different career path.
I’m currently doing my PhD at a small US school with a good reputation, so we place the vast majority of our graduates in fine institutions. But we are small and niche enough that none of us rise to highly prestigious or reaearch-focused institutions once we graduate. Most of us go through our time in the PhD program, even if we have all the publications and dissertation success one could hope for, shooting for the kind of institution you’ve described preciselybecause we value the kind of teaching you describe. So I’d just like to throw in a voice of encouragement and congratulations to you, Doctor–may your new position bring you unique and fitting blessings!
If you are competitive, you are competitive. You don’t stop comparing yourself to others. Even those who are tenured at top universities compare themselves to others. It makes some of them quite nasty.
I guarantee you that someone is looking at your profile with envy too.
You have every reason to be proud of yourself! Yours is just a totally different career path from theirs. Don’t compare apples to oranges.
I think this is very hard and I suspect that many academics feel similarly to you. I know that I have on and off at various points in my career. Not doing it is better, but we can’t help ourselves sometimes. I’ve found that talking to a professional, or a trusted friend can provide perspective. I’ve done both throughout my career. I think it’s a symptom of trying to get a piece of such scarce resources and the fact that for our entire lives we have been compared to one another. To just stop after you reach a certain career plateau seems implausible.
Some people struggled, some people thrived but all that graduated in my class were called doctor. Now everyone in my cohort had totally different motivations to persue a degree, some teaching while others work as a practitioner. As easy as it may feel to compare, dont. You do what you do and enjoy the achievement that you earned in life.
Meditation or medication. Take your pick.