Am I wrong for not getting an abortion?
I (32F) was with my partner (35M) for 2 years and lived together. I was in the contraceptive pill but it failed.
He has a child from a previous relationship that he sees 3 days a week and at the beginning of the relationship said he didn’t want anymore kids. I’d made my stance clear that I was unsure if I wanted kids or not but didn’t want the choice taken away from me.
He said “never say never” and the reason he didn’t get a vasectomy is in case he changed his mind in the future.
Fast forward to me finding out I was pregnant, he switched into this different person.
He said he couldn’t trust me or the relationship if I didn’t get an abortion. Last time his ex got pregnant he actively tried to kill himself and if I continued this pregnancy I should be aware of what will happen. He never wanted kids, even before his current kid and no amount of therapy will change his mind. That he understands my reasons for not getting an abortion (I’ve had one before and it was traumatic) but those aren’t reasons to have a child, if I spoke to him in person maybe he could make me understand. That this child will bring me nothing but negativity. He said everyone is telling him to abandon me and the child including his therapist. That if I guilt trip him enough eventually he will come round.
I’ve gone no contact and haven’t heard from him in over a month, I’m 16 weeks pregnant. According to his mum he’s acting like the pregnancy isn’t real and he has no responsibility for our child.
I’ve seen a lot of discussion that if you get pregnant with someone who said they didn’t want kids that they aren’t deadbeat dads because you forced them into it?
My mind is still confused by the whole ordeal, before I was pregnant he was very loving towards me and it’s like the mask slipped.
I’d appreciate any advice or insight, Am I wrong for choosing to continue the pregnancy?
Comments
You’re not wrong for choosing your body, your boundaries, and your baby he made his choice, now you’re making yours
He doesn’t want kids, he has not wanted kids. He has been clear about that. If you were having sex without discussing how you would deal with an unintended pregnancy, ESH
NTA but make sure you file for child support
You’re not wrong for keeping the baby, it’s your choice. It sucks that he switched up, but that’s on him, not you. Just take care of yourself and do what feels right for you.
NTA you had made it clear from the start that you aren’t sure whether or not you want kids. If he was so against having kids, his “never say never” policy should have taken a backseat.
You did well by going no contact as he seems to be gaslighting you by making you think that you are the one guilt tripping him lol.
In the end, it’s your decision. Just because a pregnancy is unwanted or unplanned doesn’t give a parent the right to completely give up on the child (when abortion isn’t an option like in your case), so that will certainly make him a deadbeat dad.
Sending you strength.
This pregnancy is just something that happened
No vasectomy, pill failed. Shit happens. (Good things also happen, though 😉). If life throws you shit, what do you do? Step up, or step down? Go left, or go right? Your choice. And his choice. His choice is valid, your choice is valid, no ah there. NTA.
But it sounds like he is kind-a forcing his choice on you. And that is an ah-move. On his part.
You’re NTA but neither is he. If you want the child and he doesn’t that’s fine but the issue is that you’re trying to make him want it too.
Have the baby, be a great mom and enjoy life! Find someone who wants to join you on that journey- but it’s not this guy and that’s not his fault.
At the end of the day it’s your decision, you shouldn’t do something you don’t want to just because he’s telling you to. That being said it sounds like you’re going to be doing this alone. He’s made it very clear he doesn’t want the baby and if you decide to continue you need to respect that decision and stay away from him. He’s completely wrong for the way he’s acting and what he’s saying to you but you can’t force him to be a dad anymore than he can force you to have an abortion
Fun, fun, fun. A friend of mine went through this. Last time she heard from the father was a text from his cousin, telling her she was responsible for “ruining his life and putting him in hospital.” She had been off the pill. He knew it. Baby is 6 months old and everyone keeps their fingers crossed that the conspiracy theorists POS of a dad doesn’t discover his conscience. She didn’t put him down as the father, and since he’s convinced the government is after him, there’s no way he’d ask for a paternity test.
NTA. If he actually felt this way, he should have gotten a vasectomy.
So much to unpack here. Your boyfriend sounds awful. He is dead against getting a vasectomy but tried to kill himself because he got his ex pregnant? Now he’s being mean to you when you get pregnant. I think you are right to go non contact or limited contact until he gets control of himself. Look after yourself and the baby and make sure he pays what he needs to. 58m co-parent of 2 here. Your ex needs to act like a grown ass man.
NTA
No but you could consider that he’ll have legal rights to this child he could pursue and he could always flip a switch again and want to be involved, and you’ll have to co parent with this person for at least 18 years and he’ll be in your life forever. Is that something you want to risk? Who you have a child with is such an important decision and that’s something to reflect on
NTA. Both of you were unsure. But at the same time didn’t plan for the possibility that having sex with only one form of birth control may lead to pregnancy.
So now it’s time for both of you to decide what to do. You’re both adults and made adult decisions. Figure it out.
You are NOT wrong. It’s YOUR choice. But I say this to you as a woman who was also told by a baby dad that he didn’t want to be a father…you WILL do this alone. And if that is what he is telling you and you want to keep your child, be prepared. Bc he will not help, he will not change his mind. And if he doesn’t want to be a father you’ll save yourself alot of time and hurt by just believing him and moving on alone with your child. I personally just didn’t communicate with him or take him for child support, bx he couldn’t legally decline his rights where I live. So I didn’t force him to do things he made perfectly clear he had no interest in participating in. My 18 year old child knows his name, she knows his family, his extended family are great people. He did also sign for her to be adopted to my husband in 2020. So that is the only thing he has ever done for her. And that is OK. Bc he was truthful about his abilities and I was still able to make my own choice. I will also say this, you can do it. But know this, I was a child of only 1 parent, so was my oldest daughter, I did not know at that time what my decision to have her with no father would mean. I learned when I observed my husband with our shared child. So you will have to work 2x harder to make sure your child doesn’t feel like they have been abandoned. It will be your job to NOT speak negativity towards your ex. Bc that will be unfair to your child. When your child is 18 the man you k ow now will be a different man in 2 decades. So speak kindly.
NTA, if he’s childfree, he should have gotten a vasectomy or worn condoms. He left the whole thing up to you and now is blaming you for it, that’s very shitty. I think you should leave him and pursue child support, this doesn’t sound like a guy you want to raise a baby with.
NTA. If he really never wanted more kids he would have had a vasectomy. He didn’t. He made his choice. Now you get to make yours. And yes, if he ghosts you and the baby he’s a deadbeat. Full stop. He could have had a vasectomy and didn’t. This is the consequence of his choice to have sex. Good luck to you.
NTA
He didn’t get a vasectomy. That choice of his means that he is 50% responsible for your pregnancy.
As far as him? Kick that jackass to the curb. None of his nonsense is your problem. Let him do whatever he CHOOSES to do. That’s on him.
You’re 16 weeks. Congratulations! Like you, I had an abortion in my 20’s that was traumatic for me. So I get it. This pregnancy is going to be many things for you. Be kind to yourself, and ignore any bs from your ex. Focus on your needs, and the brand new needs that your baby has.
You are not the AH, not even a tiny bit.
Keep records, have baby, leave and child support his ass
NTA.
You aren’t wrong for keeping it, but being a parent is hard even with 2 parents involved. Luckily, he will have to contribute financially if you press it and he values staying out of jail. Unfortunately, the amount will be lessened because he already has a kid.
With him being so unstable, you probably don’t want him physically involved but is he going to push the issue? Do you feel he’d be safe with the baby/kid? Definitely things to consider.
If he didn’t want a kid, he should have gotten a vasectomy or at the very least worn a condom and pulled out. Instead he put all the responsibility on you despite it being well known that, even used perfectly, the pill has a failure rate.
DO NOT see him in person! It sounds like he could try to hurt you. His therapist is either a shit therapist, or more likely, is lying about telling him to abandon you all.
“the reason he didn’t get a vasectomy is in case he changed his mind in the future” But he could have had one, right? He has a mental breakdown…again. But he still didn’t have the vasectomy.
You know what? I’m pro choice which also includes that you can decide what to do with your own body. Even keep the baby. If you want this and still end the pregnancy, it would hurt you so much more. He shouldn’t force you to end it. This is messed up. You are NTA.
NTA file for child support even if he doesn’t want to see the kid visitation is a separate issue.
He’s not interested in being a new father and doesn’t want any more kids and won’t be hands on and will be resentful. So that being said, you can raise your child alone because you can’t force someone to be a father when said person is done and over it.
Nta don’t let him guilt trip you. He could’ve had a vasectomy if he felt so strongly about not having kids.
Be prepared though to raise the child by yourself and don’t raise the child around him. This relationship is over now
so he doesn’t want children but he won’t get himself fixed just in case he changes his mind.
he took a risk, he lost and then he blamed you. He could have chosen never to have sex again untl after his tubes were tied
NTA
NTA he never got a vasectomy because he might change his mind, you were on the pill because you weren’t ready to say never; there is a fail rate and he is as much at fault. It happened and now it’s time for him to be a grown up, but sadly for you it doesn’t look like that will happen.
Seriously. He doesn’t want a vasectomy in case he changes his mind about kids. Vasectomy can be reversed. He obviously knows what causes procreation and enjoys it. So either get fixed or wear protection. Other than that, he sounds like an immature boy trapped in a man’s body. NTA. Good luck with your future with this person.
Do what you want to do for yourself. Knowing full well he’s not going to be involved. Get your child support of course.
Shit does happen, neither of you are in the wrong for what y’all wanted. God had other plans. That’s no one’s “fault.” But not that you’re pregnant things change.
No contraceptive is 100%. Plenty of people with vasectomies still get their partner pregnant. Only thing permanent is the removal of those organs.
I definitely wouldn’t want to be connected to a hater like that so definitely think about it. It’s your decision.
NTA, HE could have had a vasectomy! HE chose not to! HE knew that there was a possibility of you getting pregnant (considering he already has one kid.) You told him you maybe wanted kids, and I’m assuming you also told him why you wouldn’t get an abortion before any of this happened?
It’s not your fault if the pill failed, and did he bother to even use a condom? If you were taking the pill and still got pregnant, you did what you could to prevent it.
If you decide to keep this child and raise the child, he does have a responsibility to support the child (at least financially.) If you went before a judge and told them this story, I think they would ask your BF, why didn’t he get a vasectomy if he knew he didn’t want kids, and then they would order him to pay child support.
NAH
For your BF, kid #1 is like a living sentence for the man which is why “beginning of the relationship said he didn’t want anymore kids”. As described “his mask slipped” because you are now source of his nightmare who will suck his resources dry (like #1).
You can decide to have the child but there’s no rosy picture of your loving man, child & you as family.
If he was so adamant against having kids, he should have had a vasectomy, worn a condom and ensured birth control. What does he not understand about when you have sex (protected and certainly unprotected) babies are made. If you want the baby, keep it. I personally would be thankful the trash took itself out. You don’t want someone like that influencing your child’s life. Nta
NTA! Never let anyone force a choice on your body. You carry all the risks associated with childbearing, therefore, it’s your body, your decision.
You may never get child support out of this man, despite the fact conception requires two people. So be prepared to be wholly responsible for your baby.
Surround yourself and your baby with supportive nurturing people and keep out the deadbeats. You can create your own family and be happier for it.
Good luck, OP, and be sure to update us!
Be aware that half of his genes, including his mental health issues, are getting passed on to this potential child, and that will be your mess to deal with. As a parent of two very mentally ill children, it is life sucking, and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. I suggest getting an abortion, and have a baby with someone who actually wants a child and will be in the child’s life. You are potentially knowingly bringing a kid into the world already knowing the trauma and abandonment they will feel for not being wanted by their father.
Personally, as a male I think you should weigh his opinion. The choice will ultimately involve both of you. What you decide though, is your decision. Ultimately it is your body. He made his choice when he laid down, that’s when a man makes his decision. Your health and safety are all that matter after.
NTA
If he finds the idea of fatherhood that repulsive he should have gotten a vasectomy — he even said he might change his mind as reason not too.
He has big issues.
You and the baby are better off without him.
NTA – also, are you in the UK? There are several organizations that can help you even if you don’t need/want help financial. They are there to talk and help guide you.
He hasn’t had a vasectomy. If he never wanted kids, he had that option to be sure he didn’t have any.
He knows how babies are made
He’s a very manipulative SOB. What he did was emotional abuse. That is toxic
He’s the deadbeat, loser, AH, not you
NTA. He should have had and still should get a vasectomy. That’s his responsibility. If he’s not going to do that then he has to deal with the repercussions of his actions. Make sure you sue for child support.
NTA and get ready for the child support checks🤷♂️
If he didnt want anymore kids, he shouldve quit having s*x or got himself snipped💀
Nope same thing happened to me was on birth control and it failed . Me and my son’s father were together daily stuck to the hip . The minute I said I was pregnant he disappeared. He wouldn’t answer my phone calls nothing . Fast foward 16 years later my son never met his dad until his dad had a stroke and passed away a week later . He had a health issue I never knew about which could be the reason he didn’t want kids idk but clearly the love was never real . When I told him I was pregnant first thing he said was are you keeping it and I just hung up up because I took precautions if it was meant for my child to be here who am I to take away that right the birth control didn’t work that’s nobody’s fault but I wasn’t taking a life . Needless to say my son met his father when he left this earth . No I don’t think you’re wrong for keeping your child their blessings .
NTA and the court wont care if he acts like the pregnancy doesn’t exist. He will hay to pay anyway
NTA. You have to go with your heart when it comes right down to it. You are not wrong and if you want this baby then everything is good.
Look, I’m pro-choice, but nobody should ever force or coerce someone into an abortion. No, you are certainly NTA for deciding to have the baby. Please keep the child away from him. It seems that won’t be difficult as he doesn’t want anything to do with it. Having a father who despises the fact that you exist is absolutely worse than not having a father at all. Good luck to you. Surround yourself with people who will be supportive and a community for you.
First of all, your body your choice. Secondly, does he not know how babies are made? If he’s so afraid of babies he definitely should have had a vasectomy or be celibate. He seems like a giant problem, maybe you’re better off without him? I hope you’re able to enjoy your pregnancy and find support in family and friends. Good luck
Nta but he doesn’t have to step up as he’s clear about what he doesn’t want.
You want kids, he doesn’t. Your choice to have the kid or not. His choice to stay or not. He might be forced to pay child support but that’s about it. You cannot and shouldn’t expect anything more from him.
If he truly did not want any more kids he should of gotten the snip… And not be “never say never” wishy washy bs.. that is just him putting the birth control on to his partner and not taking responsibility for his part in making a child .
Have the child if you wish… And don’t be noble and think he will pay … Just Force the child support upfront. He can choose not to partake in the child’s life but he will pay either way… For his lack of having the balls to get the snip
NTA
>Last time his ex got pregnant he actively tried to kill himself and if I continued this pregnancy I should be aware of what will happen.
That is a crazy manipulative thing for him to say. NTA.
If you plan to go ahead with the pregnancy, please consider speaking to a lawyer/solicitor to make sure you know what your legal options are.
You are not wrong/an ‘AH’ for choosing to have and raise a child.
You are, however, choosing to have a child with a man who apparently hates being a father and is unstable and manipulative enough to throw out suicide threats to get you to reconsider having his child. If you have this child you will be tied to this man forever and your child will have to deal with having a man who resents their existence for a father.
Is this what you want your experience of carrying and birthing and raising a child to be like..?
If someone doesn’t want kids, they have two choices: don’t have sex or take permanent measures (but even those can fail). There’s always a risk of pregnancy.
Can you raise this baby without his financial support? He doesn’t sound like he’d be a good dad.
NTA: he decided not to have a vasectomy, so he could have used a condom as a back-up. Oral contraception fails all the time, and he is trying to manipulate you. Just block him and let your attorney notify him when it’s time to pay child support. Family planning is NEVER solely the woman’s responsibility.
There is an old joke: “What do you call people who use one form of birth control?”
“Parents.”
NTA. He had a choice to get a vasectomy and didn’t take it. Now the choice became yours and you can do what you want with it. I’d pursue child support in court, as well.
Also, threatening to off oneself and blaming you for it is abusive behavior. Real people who are actually suicidal don’t do that to others, they just commit or get help for themselves and that’s it.
YTA women who have children against their partners wishes when they could just not have the baby are a special class of insane. The core reason for the breakdown of society.
NTA. He had a choice to get a vasectomy and didn’t take it. Now the choice became yours and you can do what you want with it. I’d pursue child support in court, as well.
Also, threatening to off oneself and blaming you for it is abusive behavior. Real people who are actually suicidal don’t do that to others, they just commit or get help for themselves and that’s it.
NTA
If he didn’t want kids, he shouldn’t have risked making any.
Honestly? Not even going to read your whole post. You are never the AH for not getting an abortion.
Abortion is between a woman and her doctor. If he didn’t want a kid, he should have thought about that before sending in the little generals!
I hate guys like this. “I hate kids, but if I have a vasectomy I’ll be infertile!” Yup, that’s what a vasectomy does, put on your big-boy shorts and deal.
My husband made me decide – he didn’t want a kid -and then he pretty much left me because I couldn’t do short my baby. This left me with an ex husband I’m contemptuous of and a magnificent kid. Follow your heart and keep the kid.
Your body, your choice. He had the choice of getting a vasectomy to prevent getting another woman pregnant but didn’t. He can fuck off with threats of suicide. If he’s threatening suicide, it’s either a guilt trip or he has pre-existing mental health issues. Either way it’s still your choice.
NO, you are most certainly NOT the asshole.
If he really didn’t want kids, he should have gotten snipped. My husband didn’t want children either, but he ended up with two-my stepson and our daughter (13 year difference). B/C failure for the first-doctors were wrong with the second when they told me I couldn’t get pregnant and if I did wouldn’t carry to term. When our daughter was 4 months, he got snipped. No more surprise babies. And no, he wasn’t happy when I got pregnant, he looked like a deer caught in the headlights. But I told him to suck it up, this was now happening. And he did, and he has been an amazing Dad. We helped raise 6 kids together, and no regrets. And even if he hadn’t, I would have done it alone. I adore my daughter and I am so glad she exists.
What a manipulative asshole!! Stringing you along with the “never say never” then switching to do what I want or I’ll kill myself. He should’ve gotten the vasectomy and been truthful with you from the start. If you want the baby then have the baby, going through with an abortion you don’t want will result in the end of your relationship anyway because you will always resent him for that. I’m sorry you’re going through this!
Thank you for saying abortion was very traumatic. That is very true and seems to get overlooked . I would not trust him around your child since he claims to be suicidal . There are so many horror stories in the news about child homicides by parents. NTA but he is.
If he wanted to take responsibility, he would have had the vasectomy. This is 100% on him. His second choice was always wearing a condom. If he didn’t wear a condom and didn’t get a vasectomy, boo freaking hoo!
He needs to pay 50% child support. If he’s threatening you with suicide over the pregnancy make sure and document it, so you get full custody and you get child support.
If he put any of this in writing, send it to Baby Mama number one. Maybe she likes the three days a week off or maybe she would rather have full custody. Either way she has a right to know.
Unless you lied about the birth control, THIS IS ALL ON HIM!
NTA. Your body, your choice, same with vasectomies.
No real therapist would recommend abandoning a relationship/child. That’s actually the opposite of what they do. He’s lying.
Nope about the deadbeat part – he had the choice of making sure this never happened and blew it. Get a lawyer immediately. You’re entitled to support. Make sure it happens, though his attorney will ask for a paternity test, no doubt.
And regarding trust, how can you ever trust him after the shit he’s said and done? This relationship is dead.
What a manipulative asshole (him). You’ve done nothing wrong.
You are not wrong.
That guy is an idiot.
Any woman reading, if a guy tells you he doesn’t want kids and he isn’t snipped, don’t fuck him, even with birth contro, pill, condom or anything else,
A man has no integrity if his words are hollow and not backed up by action.
Any guy reading, if you don’t want a vasectomy, you’re unsure if you want kids or not. But step up if something like this happens and be a man.
Reading his behavior has given me whiplash, he’s all over the place. Seriously consider what your life will look like once a baby is in the picture. Don’t expect to effectively co-parent. There are situations actually worse than having no father in the picture, i.e. showing up then disappearing for long periods of time, emotionally manipulating you and child, etc. when you go for child support, don’t be surprised that he wants visitation just to spite you. He’s not going to make it easy on you. I’m not advising anything other than you need to be as realistic as possible in forecasting your life and that of your child. Good luck.
I’m not telling you to get an abortion but I’m also speaking from experience that single parenthood sucks ass.
Get an abortion Save urself the hassle
Save ur unborn child from a shitty situation
Then moving on Date less shit heads
If it was me, dad said he doesn’t want the kid, you do. That’s your answer, you raise the kid. Don’t ask him for anything, don’t tell him anything, don’t tell his family anything, don’t accept anything from him or his family at any point in the future. He doesn’t need to know when the baby is born or be on the birth certificate. You will have no drama this way. This is your kid. Just yours.
If he doesn’t ever have children why not make it so by a vasectomy? I don’t condone the taking of a life.❣️
You didn’t force him into anything. Did you rape him? You didn’t trap him. Did you lie about being on the pill? If “no” is the answer to both then he needs to take accountability. If he doesn’t want kids then he should get a vasectomy, use condoms, or be abstinent. He’s the only one that can get someone pregnant with his babies. He is responsible for what he does with his penis. He’s acting like an unhinged seriously immature manipulative man-child. Don’t let him hold you hostage emotionally. You are not responsible for what he does to himself. You are responsible for you and that baby. I would never want a child with someone like him. Just be prepared. He may never step up and will probably make your life very hard for the next 18 years. You’re choosing to have a baby with this guy, it’s a choice you’re making. He is allowed to not want children, he is free to abandon y’all, but he can’t make you to have an abortion. Do what you feel is right but don’t expect anything from this guy.
NTA
Your body, your choice.
That being said, choices have consequences. Such as his choice not to have a vasectomy. That was certainly his choice, and it definitely had consequences.
You need to stop worrying about him and start planning your life as a single mother. Because your life is going to completely change, and so is your body. You need to be prepared, and you need support from your family and friends. Understand your employers maternity benefits. Get a good living situation and childcare. Plan, plan, plan.
As far as your ex partner? You need to make sure that he pays child support. You can’t force him to be an active father, but you can at least force him to be financially responsible. And don’t just get some verbal agreement from him. Go through the family court system and get a judge’s order. That way, if he doesn’t pay as he should, the court system will garnish his wages and send you what he owes.
You’ve made your choice. Now you need to choose to be happy with your choice. For the sake of your child.
If he felt that way he could have gotten a vasectomy.
Comments are overly sympathetic. BNTA you can have the child if you want it is your choice. But he seemingly very very clearly communicated he does not want a kid. So his choice to also not raise the kid
They’re deadbeat dads whether they wanted to be a parent or not. If you absolutely don’t want to be a father you keep your semen to yourself. No exceptions.
A man who is does not have a vasectomy nor uses condoms 100% of the time, is a man who is only leaning toward not being a father. You got pregnant which suggests he wasn’t in either of these camps and that’s on him. Of course you have autonomy to decide what to do with YOUR body and you decided to continue with the pregnancy. That is YOUR choice.
I would never want to raise a child with a deadbeat or absent dad, but you are not me. I doubt he will stick around, so be sure to file for child support as your child is entitled to, no matter what the circumstances of his birth are.
NTA, it is your decision whether you keep it or not, but it is his decision to decide whether he wants to be involved or not. He’s pretty clear, and even if he changed his mind, your relationship is out the window.
Are you prepared to be a single mom is the real question you need to answer for yourself.
100% NTA. Your body your choice, absolutely. I empathize with you so much. I just went through something extremely similar with my former best friend/bandmate/partner of three years. It was deeply, deeply traumatizing. There are no right or wrong choices, but for me I had an abortion because I realized quickly he was deeply emotionally abusive and had been gaslighting and manipulating me for years. I even offered to give him an out and explained that if he didn’t want to do it, I wasn’t going to make him be a parent but that I didn’t want to terminate. That somehow made it worse and his abuse got rapidly worse, I think because he realized his typical controlling behavior was suddenly ineffective on me.
It was like the pregnancy caused his mask to slip (exactly like you described)- I ended up having an abortion because I couldn’t get away from him fast enough. I’m ultimately glad that I did because his abuse got WAY WORSE and escalated to a truly frightening level after I cut him off. Please PLEASE be careful. In my experience, this man is displaying some frightening controlling and manipulative behaviors with you.
Any man who would threaten suicide because he got you pregnant is a sorry excuse for a man. The man alone doesn’t get to decide for you that you should have an abortion. He doesn’t want the responsibility of a child..
You may end up doing most of this on your own. But good for you for standing your ground and picking yourself and your baby over a man that acts like that.
Nta.
NTA. Never take him back. Understand you will be a single parent and he will never step up. Get court ordered child support.
You exercised your choice, and he exercised his. If he’s not paying child support and visiting the child, then he has zero rights to the child. You make all the decisions. No shared custody. No one interfering in how that child is raised.
But, have him formally sign away his rights, so it’s crystal clear.
NTA, and he’s an AH for not disclosing his trauma at the beginning of the relationship. No matter what he tells himself, he made it sound like he was open to having kids in order to keep you around.
Yes, he should have had a vasectomy, but it only would have absolved him if he’d disclosed that fact. People have tricked each other with bc for generations and it’s a horrible thing to do.
Both men and women do this “maybe” act in order to have the cake of a wider dating pool while eating the DINK lifestyle, and it’s evil. Children often end up with one deadbeat, reluctant parent, one partner sees their fertility/adoption window frittered away by guilt (don’t leave me, you promised in sickness and in health), lies (I’m on bc, I’m trying to get pregnant, give me one more year before we start trying) etc.
Gay men also suffer when this happens, because there is so much competition for adoptable infants in the US and they often settle down later in life, when they’re already near the upper age limit for a preferred male adopter. Surrogacy is ruinously expensive.
Two guys I know were each manipulated by partners who never wanted children, but expected their men to “forget” about that dream if it was deferred long enough, like distracting a toddler with a different toy. Now they’re too old to easily adopt, and have lost a lot of money in the divorce that could have helped them become parents on their own.
I also know quite a few women who have fallen into one of the categories of people who didn’t ever have children, or who had them at great cost a decade later than planned, due to partners who lied about being open to having children, wanting children, or using condoms correctly to prevent children.
He doesn’t want more kids but won’t get a vasectomy or wear a condom… NTA
Congratulations!
My advice is that you move away from him and file for child support.
He is emotionally abusive. He is lying about the therapist. A therapist wouldn’t say that.
He knew pregnancy was a possibility- he never had a vasectomy.
He’s not going to unalive himself.
You didn’t force him to have sex with you. He knows that sex can lead to pregnancy.
He had options to not have a child- a vasectomy, condoms, not having sex.
NTA. It’s too bad he’s uninterested in being a father but pursue child support and prepare to be a single parent.
His mast has slipped and you’re doing nothing wrong. sigh he’s really doing everything he can to guilt you into not chasing him for child support, isn’t he. Why has this man who’s so desperately afraid of having children not taken steps to end his fertility? Why didn’t he insist on supplementing your hormonal contraception with condoms? What a special grownup this man is. Looks to me like what he’s afraid of is consequences of his actions. What he needs spelling out to him is that every single time you have sex (infertility conditions aside) you could be making a baby. Nothing non-invasive is 100% which is why someone for whom it’s imperative to avoid pregnancy should use two methods. Just like your immature ex didn’t.
All the people on the internet claiming that if they don’t want the baby they aren’t deadbeat dads need this pointing out to them, and also having it explained carefully that yes, they are deadbeat dads, not wanting the child isn’t a responsibility-killer.
Yeah if he really didn’t want kids, he would have done more to prevent it. Honestly, you dodged a bullet. He’s claiming he tried to kill himself when his ex got pregnant – what a fucking weak POS, for either doing that or pretending he did. File for child support and don’t expect or ask for anything else. You don’t want this psycho around your baby. NTA
NTA. 100% support your decision to not get an abortion, but I also support his decision not to be involved. He made it very clear he was not looking for more children, and you were on birth control to keep yourself safe & allow for the choice, and shit happens.
A woman’s right to choose is a fantastic thing, but you do have to live with now knowing he will not want to be with you. Discuss custody & child support options so that he can sign his rights away and pay if he chooses, so that this kids life isn’t about bouncing back and forth or arguments between y’all about child support and such. I used to work as a legal assistant for a civil attorney and we spent hours in court with mothers and fathers of all kinds who put their relationship, or lack thereof, before their child. Seeing women hunt men down their whole child’s life to the point of obsession when he’s made it clear he doesn’t care or want to be involved, is depressing. I’ve seen kids grow up hating their life because all their parents cared about was sticking it to one another or waiting for thousands in back child support. He already has a child with another woman and it can get sticky in court if you don’t have an agreement.
Takes 2 to tango. You did your part, as did he, now everyone has to live with the consequences. Congratulations, though! If you are satisfied with being a single mother (which there’s nothing wrong with if you’re able to provide) then i wish you all of the best.
NTA. But you should definitely leave him and not bring a child into a family unit where one parent doesn’t want them. Hopefully he will change his mind the future and want some time with him, but you should leave, and get full custody to prevent the emotional damage this could cause to a child.
Keep your baby. Do not name him on the birth cert. Cut all contact with him as long as you can afford it financially.
He is the one who deceived you. Not the other way around. This guy is the AH and a user.
NTA. Building off of everyone else’s comments, he’s made it clear how he truly views you (and his ex). He is irresponsible and immature. I can assure you a licensed therapist is not telling him to abandon you and the child.
NTA – and vasectomies are 100% reversible.
Adding – he owes child support. Don’t let him get away without paying!!
NTA.
Your decision to continue this pregnancy is your choice; it’s the right decision for you. It doesn’t matter what someone else here might choose for themselves in similar situations. Good for you going NC when you realized he’s not the partner you hoped that he would be.
Do what you need to regarding securing CS for your child.
NTA. He should have taken the necessary precautions if he didn’t want to risk another child. It would probably be wise to be prepared for the relationship to end and for you to be a single mother based on how he’s acting. Make sure you put him on child support.
NTA but you are raising that baby alone.
If his therapist is encouraging to abandon you then he’s got a terrible therapist. It’s definitely not fair to you that he basically said if you keep the kids he may try to kill himself. If you are ready to be a single mom then stat NC with him, his friends and family and enjoy your pregnancy and baby.
Do you have family around you. Him saying no to a vasectomy because you “you never know in the future” that’s not on you it’s on him. If he really didn’t want more kids he would have had it done and not relied on BC that has a failure rate higher than what people seem to realise
Updateme
NTA. It’s pro-choice, no pro-abortion.
I had this happen. The father even pushed adoption because he knew I wouldn’t choose abortion, though I did consider it. We both had children,I was on birth control and he also refused a vasectomy for the same reasons.
I had her, she’s now 10 and I couldn’t imagine life without her. Get child support. Don’t list him on the birth certificate. Involve his family if they want to be, surround yourself with good people, and live your life.
NTA. He made his choice when he had intercourse.
NTA he never wanted children, but didn’t get a vasectomy, didn’t use a condomn and put the whole pregnancy prevention on you. And now he is trying to pressure you into an abortion by manipulating with threads of suicide… he is a gigantic a-hole
Get child Support and do it on your own
This is a very tough situation.
You are NTA for choosing not to have an abortion again. Both my children couldn’t have come at worse times, but I love them more than I could ever imagine. While I could never do it, I am prochoice.
Here’s the thing, have the baby. I’m sure you will be a wonderful Mom, if you choose to maintain custody, but you need to manage your own expectations that this man child may never be in your babies future and you may never see a dime of child support. I hope this isn’t the case for you, but wish you and your baby nothing but the best 💗
It’s your choice of course. But expect him to be wholly absent except money. NTA.
Wow, the therapist said that? wtf, I think this guy is lying. Just leave his butt because if he can’t get rid of that baby in the womb, he might try something terrible. His therapist sounds like a POS enabler, wtf.
NTA He’s a deadbeat for not taking responsibility. If he never wanted kids-he should have gotten a vasectomy.
Honestly if anything this to me all sounds like a huge performance of mental gymnastics to get out of another responsibility because he lacks accountability.
Your reasons for not getting an abortion are valid and I’m sorry your last one was traumatic-that sucks. You do what you feel is right and honestly if anything, let him be a dead beat. Judging by his behavior maybe it’s best the kid never sees him…
You’re wrong to think you can continue the pregnancy, AND that he will change his mind. That is as disgusting as making a woman have a baby she doesn’t want. That being said, your ex should have had the vasectomy, especially if fatherhood makes him suicidal.
ESH
NTA
He should have had his vasectomy, they are reversible.
He wasn’t forced to have sex and that action caused a pregnancy. If he isn’t involved he is a dead beat Dad!
Get full custody due to his mental health issues and threats of self harm. Too many fillicide incidents these days. But also get child support.
Edit- fixed type-o
NTA. So he said ‘never say never’, then changed his tune to he never wanted kids at all once the time actually came. If that was his stance, he was more than welcome to have a vasectomy or use condoms alongside your contraception.
You accidentally falling pregnant is not your fault. You’re not forcing him to do anything. You’re not responsible for how he feels.
He wants you to have an abortion, but he refuses to get a vasectomy he made his bed he should lie in it
In my experiences, people who talk about actively offing themselves are using it as a manipulation tactic. They aren’t actually going to do it. They just want you to feel bad.
NTA. You can choose to keep the baby if you want but know that you’ll likely be raising the baby alone. If you end the pregnancy for him when you want the baby, the relationship likely won’t survive that anyway. You do say that you don’t want an abortion because you’ve had an abortion and it was traumatic and while I get that, having a baby is a lot more impactful on your life than an abortion. Just know that going into this.
NTA. Your child is a precious gift.
Updateme
Get child support
YTA, not because of him, but because of what you’re going to force your baby and yourself to do through.
It’s your choice no one else’s. Realize now that he needs to be kept away from you and that the only thing he has to do is own up to his financial responsibilities.
The only 100% effective method of birth control is abstinence or total hysterectomy. A vasectomy is 99.5% effective.
Take care of yourself and baby. NTA.
Updateme
You’re NTAH. He sounds like an immature, manipulative AH.
If you feel you made the right choice for you, then you did. It’s unfortunate his true colours weren’t visible to you before this pregnancy. He changed suddenly due to him suddenly having no control over you/ the situation, and the thought of the baby becoming your #1 priority (not him).
Stay strong. You’ve got this.
NTA If he didn’t want to have children he should have wrapped or snipped it – your body your choice
ITS your Body, you decide. But, he does Not want to be a father and will Not Support you. Your Future maybe doesnt Look bright and you end Up with Trouble and Problems.
Abortion ist away Out and a Chance for a better life.
NTA.
You’re never wrong to keep your baby. Anyone who tells a grown ass man to abandon you is just evil. And frankly, his therapist? I doubt it.
Keep your baby and love happily ever after.
NTA. Love that baby fiercely.
NTA. It’s your body, your choice. Just be prepared that he will not be in the child’s life (and probably shouldn’t be). Go after him for financial support though and maybe see if his parents are open to being in the kid’s life as at least his mom is still talking to you.
NTA but having a child on your own will multiply your problems.
Obviously don’t believe him that his therapist agreed you should be abandoned. Now is the time to take care of business. Don’t worry anything about what he thinks. Be around friends and family that are happy and excited for you. Leave negativity. Get a lawyer . It is excellent that you are no contact. The only thing he can do is bring you negativity
Nta. He says “never say never”, therefore leaving the door open to the possibility, then AFTER he gets you pregnant, it’s suddenly so terrible it’s worth killing himself over (but not worth wrapping it up or getting a snip?). If it was that serious, he should’ve gotten the snip. Keep records of everything he has said about not wanting the child and killing himself, just in case.
This is emotional abuse. Please seek a supportive therapist and get out of this relationship.
Congratulations on your pregnancy!! You’re going to be a great mom and this child is very lucky to have you!!! You don’t need this dude. In fact, it might be better for both of you if he stays out of it.
If he never wanted kids the onus is on him to get a vasectomy. He chose not to do that. He knows that pregnancy is an outcome of sex, even with protection. You’re not forcing him to be a dad, but he is obligated to be responsible for the kid, at the very least financially.
You’re not wrong to continue the pregnancy, that it your choice. You’re right though, his mask slipped. Good thing you’re finding out now and not after you’ve wasted more time on this person/relationship.
ESH you’re the kind of people that shouldn’t reproduce at all. You can get child support from him but you cannot force him to parent. If you don’t mind being a single mom go for it, your body your choice and all. And he should have gotten a vasectomy
Don’t try to force this child on him. Birth and raise your child if you want but don’t expose them to this negativity.
NTA. If he didn’t want the risk of a pregnancy, he could have gotten a vasectomy, used a condom, or kept it in his pants. He took the risk so he could have more enjoyable sex, and now he is trying to bully you into an abortion. At this point, he can STFU and just start paying child support at the appropriate time.
NTA, and I think you made a wise decision by going no contact. His position just…..doesn’t make any sense. He was willing to not do the vasectomy and said he might change his mind, but now he’ll commit suicide if you don’t have an abortion???
OP, make the best decisions for only you and the child from here forward. And, you definitely should apply legally for child support. I don’t know anything about that process, but I’m pretty sure if paternity can be confirmed he will have to pay for supporting the baby.
And, congratulations on your pregnancy. I know it caused a huge amount of problems, but nothing you said indicates you don’t want the baby, so I’m assuming congrats are in order.
NTA but you’ve just entered into a world of hurt for all concerned. Plan a support system for yourself that doesn’t include him or his family. He may pay child support easily he may have to be chased by the court. You have to plan what is best for you and your child.
>I’ve seen a lot of discussion that if you get pregnant with someone who said they didn’t want kids that they aren’t deadbeat dads because you forced them into it?
What a toxic take that is. Don’t even considerate it. I understand guys being bitter because their partner deliberately got pregnant, but a) that’s not what happened in your case, and b) it’s no excuse legally or morally for skipping out on child support payments, which, after all, are for the benefit of the child.
If he was truly suicidal when his ex got pregnant, he has serious issues. If it’s true, he needs help; if he made it up, he’s manipulative af (and also desperate). I respect his decision not to have more children, but as others have said, if it’s an absolute NO for him, he should have had a vasectomy for his own peace of mind.
You were right to go no contact with him. Get some legal advice and don’t waste a minute feeling guilty.
So he clearly didn’t want kids, but didn’t want to take the necessary precautions either because “never say never” and now you ‘betrayed’ him by your birth control simply failing. Alright. NTA.
NTA. Don’t put him on the birth certificate. You don’t want him having any rights to the child because to him the baby will only be leverage.
NTA. It’s your choice. It is also his choice to not be involved beyond a financial obligation.
NTA I didn’t want kids, so I got a vasectomy. This is on him.
If he was that despondent when his ex got pregnant, he really should have gotten the vasectomy instead of saying, “never say never.” He thinks no amount of therapy will change his mind, but he won’t get a vasectomy because he thinks he “might” change his mind in the future? Yeah, right. He just doesn’t want to take responsibility for avoiding pregnancy. He wants to put it all on his partner.
The decision to carry the pregnancy to term is yours, but do know that you’ll be lucky if you get child support from him. You certainly won’t get any parenting support.
NTA
NTA – your choice.
But he is a MASSIVE AH for essentially emotionally blackmailing you by threatening with suicide if you keep the pregnancy. He needs immediate professional help, and you should consider getting away from him as far as possible.
NTA. Men need to grow up and take care of their protection if they don’t want kids. He is gross and he is the a hole.
This is what it means to be pro choice. You get to chose if you have a child. His opportunity for choice is when he chose not to get a vasectomy or use a second form of birth control. Put him on child support and walk away. It’s not going to be a healthy relationship.