Background:
My parents split when I was very young and my mom had primary custody of me. I would see my dad for the occasional visit or trip but I never lived with him. We live in the same state, about three hours away. He lives off the grid in a very rural area and I in the burbs. I visit him for a long weekend a few times a year when the weather allows, he’s visited me twice in five years, each for one night. We’ve had a rocky relationship because he very stubborn and very much acts like someone who has lived alone off the grid for 40 years, owned a business with no employees and does things exactly the way he wants 100% of the time. The last few years he’s really softened and we’ve gotten quite close.
What happened: The last time I visited a year ago he was very abrasive, gruff, demanding and unpleasant. Both to me and my kid. I pushed back some when he started bossing me around or being rude to my kid but we left on good terms and I even found and ordered him several items from the Internet (he is not tech savvy, has never had a computer etc).
We spoke on the phone after the visit and he thanked me for the items. That’s the last I heard from him. It’s been a whole year now. I called and left voicemails, texts and even out of panic that he was dead tracked down a local business that he works for a lot to see if they had heard from him. I learned he was alive, his phone was working and he was clearly just avoiding me. He also was not responding to my kids texts. After a couple months I stopped reaching out, he knew where I was and if he wanted to talk he could call. I was very hurt and angry but knowing him not entirely surprised, he’s not been a reliable figure in my life many times.
Also of note, my mother died of an aggressive cancer a couple years ago. In my home, where I cared for her during her illness. I have no siblings.
Now: He started texting my son back in the last couple weeks. Which I was like ok, that’s something. Then I learned that my ex who I left due to physical abuse and who has been nothing but awful to me since, was planning to take my child to my father’s place for a visit.
I feel gutted. It’s one thing to ghost me, but to talk to a person who has tried their best to make my life hell for years? The betrayal is unimaginable.
I called again and left a voicemail, asking to please call me. I also texted him.
I don’t even know what to say to him, if he colludes with my ex I don’t know if I could ever forgive him.
I’m just looking for ideas of how to approach him and explain that this choice will make me never trust him again. Do I write a letter if he refuses to talk?
TL;DR
My father stopped answering or returning my phone calls last year. I have now learned that he is allowing my abusive ex to bring my kid to visit. Wtf.