I, 19f and my boyfriend, 22m recently went on vacation at his hometown. We have been dating for 3 months and up until now, everything in our relationship has been perfect. There was only one matter concerning one of his female friend, 21 f. Even though she lives 8 hours from our city, she seemed quite present in his life for a friend he considers not that important. I’d also like to add the fact that they had intimacy very few times before he and I met. I’m okay with this since we all have experience to live and it is now in the past. What bothers me about her is how she “jokes” with him. For exemple, she knew he was planning on going back to his hometown soon, but when she learned I would be there on their outing too she said “aw you don’t lovelike me anymore” as a joke. (We speak french so I have no idea which one she truly meant.) I just find it a bit weird since he never loved her in such way.
But anyway back to the story, I did in fact wanted to meet her to reassure myself that she wasn’t as so called “pick me”. We set up a date, the last day of our vacation and went on our way to meet her. I wanted to make the best impression, even though I was filled with my emotions (personal issues unrelated to this). We picked her up from her apartment and decided to find a restaurant to eat dinner. During the car drive, everything seemed great, we were able to talk and have a good conversation. I even remember thinking to myself how great it was now and I could imagine how much better it would become in a few hours.
The weather was quite nice, but it was much hotter than what my boyfriend had expected just by looking at his outfit. Once we parked the car and got out, he decided to change his sweater to a t-shirt. He ( like always ) made a funny joke saying not to look at him shirtless even tho he already took it off. I found it rather funny and laughed a little. She on the other hand replied “We’ve all already seen you anyway”. I was a bit awkward, but didn’t see any issues.
We ended up in a café and sat outside. I was facing her, while my boyfriend sat besides me. I also didn’t order any food since I was a bit too stressed to be hungry. We spoke for a while, but then I began to notice that even though she sat right in front of me, she barely looked at me and basically only spoke to my boyfriend. No problem here since I totally get it that we are still strangers but unlike me, I did try my best to make conversation with her to which she closed them by jokes or even seemed a bit rude sometimes. I might be mistaken since I don’t know her well.
Later on, we decided to go shopping in a mall. She absolutely wanted to buy my boyfriend a brand new pair of Vans. That’s very generous of her, yet at the same time it feels off. I bought him a new pair during that same week, it’s not like he needed some and my boyfriend even pointed it out. She still insisted and we eventually gave in.
Once in the store, I noticed that they looked more boyfriend and girlfriend than he did with me. My energy dropped. I honestly felt like the third wheel. I stayed distant, not knowing what to do. I was having a hard time speaking and I just wanted to get out of there. I still tried my best to composed myself and helped them choosing a pair of shoes. Once my boyfriend made his choice, he sat down on a bench to tie only one shoe. To make things worse, that girl got down on her knees almost immediately, wanting to help him tie that same shoe saying it would go faster ( the laces were not put together ). My boyfriend was obviously confused and only knew to make a silly joke out of this. I on my side froze. I wanted her off him, yet I didn’t know if it was me who had to act. I tried saying this wasn’t going any faster, but she ignored me. Now at the counter to pay, the system of the store didn’t work at the moment and in the end, he didn’t get the Vans. While all of this was happening, I discreetly said to my boyfriend that I was now hungry and that my social battery was dead, meaning I wanna go home. (We were staying at his mom’s place.)
My boyfriend didn’t quite understood what I wanted and he instead took me upstairs to the restaurant section. I felt a bit awkward since I didn’t really want to spend money on food so I declined and said I would rather eat at home to save money. I felt judged by the both of them in that moment. It was as if I could feel the side eyes. My boyfriend understood I was tired, but because she wanted to shop herself a new outfit for her job that night, we agreed on doing one last store. She works in a club. Since she works in a bar, she wanted to do like the other girls and wear something more revealing. I’d like to add in here that I was fighting back the tears due to the personal issue (not about her), but I’m well aware that this doesn’t excuse my actions.
For her outfit, she needed my boyfriend’s opinion instead of mine. (I used to work as a fashion consultant.) Once again, it’s fine since he’s her friend and I’m just the girlfriend, but bending over and asking him if the skirt is short enough to see her behind was disrespectful. And yes, she did all of that right in front of my eyes. A few minutes later she again gave me a hint about how they’ve seen eachothers naked. She said she would like to only wear fishnets along with a bodysuit like the other girls at the club, but because of her complex that my boyfriend obviously knew about, she didn’t want to. If only I had the energy to reply or even just noticed in time that this was wrong, I would’ve act, but I was so concentrated on seeing her good side and on holding back the tears that I didn’t do anything.
Finally, we were on our way back to drop her off at her apartment. I sat in front beside my man and held back the tears again. Her and I didn’t speak at all anymore. She was still only speaking with my boyfriend about her other spicy experiences, but let me know why did she have to specify that she slept with too many men that the letter started with my boyfriend’s initial. Like, I know what you’ve done together and it’s all in the past, so why reminding me again? Or was it just a coincidence and I’m being too dramatic?
In the end, I realized that she dosen’t really like me, my boyfriend told me that when she doesn’t like someone she won’t speak to them and that’s exactly what happened. So what do I do now? I didn’t feel respected after all the efforts I did. I know it’s wrong for me to ask my boyfriend to cut her off, but I truly don’t want her in my life since even after coming back from our vacation she still texts him often and have had multiple problems going on in her life at the moment that required my boyfriend’s attention. He didn’t really see all the red flags excepted for the shoe thing and said she’s always like that. He does know how uncomfortable and hurt I felt about the situation, but we both can’t find a solution to fix this. We also probably won’t be seeing her again since she lives so far away.
Is there really anything he or we can do, or should I just put this behind and forget about it?
Comments
TBH, this is a buncha shady stuff. You gotta have a real-talk with your BF. It ain’t right, the way they’re acting. You’re not being dramatic, sis, this needs to be addressed. Trust your instincts, they’re usually on point. Fingers crossed for ya! 🤞✌️
I’d have another direct conversation with your boyfriend about this and future interactions. He needs to set boundaries, she crossed some lines in your relationship and you shouldn’t put this behind you. The fact that he acknowledges your discomfort and hurt is a good starting point. The next step for him is to take action and demonstrate he understands the problem. Good luck
What a surprise, a friend that secretly harbours feelings for your boyfriend/girlfriend and is mean in person and the partner is oblivious. You seriously need to communicate how you’re feeling and how inappropriate she was during all this. Plus where was his thought process in all this, if i was him i’d have called her out multiple times. He went along with all of it so he’s not innocent at all. He’s either stupid or enjoys the attention. Why was it so important to meet this girl who you know had history with your boyfriend?
Why are you third wheeling with her? Why are you hanging out with her at all?
She clearly wants him to herself.
Smell the coffee cupcake.
If this is real, your boyfriend is not a man, ignore her and take it up with him
“Hey bf, some of the things your friend today were really not okay. Her bending over publicly to have you examine her was inappropriate in a public setting, inappropriate to do with someone in a committed relationship, and very disrespectful to me as your girlfriend. She was cold and rude to me and it made me feel excluded from the activities and from you as your girlfriend. Either you need to or both of us, if absolutely necessary, need to talk to her about being more respectful and appropriate with you. I know you have been intimate in the past and that is fine, everyone has a past. However, that is in the past. It is no longer okay to continue on as if you still were. She’s a friend and should act that way only and be more respectful of our relationship.”
From a friend who witnessed this happen between two of my other friends whilst his girlfriend was present, you got to have a serious talk with your boyfriend. If he doesn’t understand the issue and refuses to see how it’s inappropriate or thinks you’re being dramatic. You need to get the fuck out of there. His female friend absolutely still has feelings for him in a sense she will still be flirty and as you said “bend over in front of him” and her way to deliberately keep mentioning past things, she wants you to be jealous of her. So either have the conversation or just leave. Life is far to short to be dealing with people’s bullshit, and you deserve much better
No as a male pov u under reacted cause at the end of the day he’s with u not her. That’s totally disrespectful of him to entertain that instead of putting it in its place to show u reassurance I feel like that would’ve went a long way during all of this but he even failed to do that and don’t give him a ultimatum cause atp it’s not a relationship anymore but if he doesn’t change I’d advise u too leave him alone sooner than later if u don’t want to go through anymore pain cause that was a lot of emotional and mental abuse for a short period of time and trust me that friend knows what she’s doing she doesn’t want a relationship with him she just doesn’t want to see him with anyone else put yourself first darling and if they aren’t benefiting your health overall walk away trust me you’ll be happier in the long run
Sounds like bf is living a good life😂
The first red flag is that yall spent the entire day together, like, damn lunch was enough then yall spent the rest of the day shopping? That’s not right and created more opportunities for stress that wasn’t needed.
Secondly, I’m trying to read between the lines but you keep talking about this stress or personal issue that was plaguing you but the only thing I can read thru the text is that you didn’t like her prior to hanging out. I’m not saying you’re to blame but I wonder if you’re disposition was unfriendly first. No matter, because she was in the wrong fully.
Really if your boyfriend is this oblivious to what’s going on you should have asked him how he would like if the roles were reversed and you had a male friend who was constantly alluding to the spicy times you and him spent together before. He def wouldn’t like it one bit.
Yeah, this is pretty not great. I personally would call it out immediately if it was that blatant, but I get that not everyone has that in them. Your BF shouldn’t be just accepting that & I would be put off by him that I had to be the one to say something. Idk how long you’ve been together, but this doesn’t sound like it’s worth fighting for. If I wasn’t madly in love, I’d probably just leave. They clearly have unresolved shit. No one wants to be the third wheel in their own relationship.
I come back and repeat!! Men and women are not usually just friends and they have slept together…
You need to grow up and have balls with your boyfriend!
You need to leave him or he needs to stop seeing her. If he can’t see the problem he’s either an idiot or he knows what’s going on. Regardless seriously don’t stay with this guy lol
Your boyfriend is either an idiot or doesn’t give a fuck about how his “friends” treat you. It’s shitty and immature, and if he can’t nut up and ask his friend why she was so rude to you, then I don’t see your relationship being a healthy one.
This bitxh is absolutely thirsty for your man and hes ignoring it because he wants to keep her as a background option. You need to deal with your boyfriend problem. He either gets rid of all the little sleezy girls, laying in wait, pretending to be friends or hes done, and you need to block and delete him from your life.
It’s time to set some boundaries with your boyfriend, you may feel like most of the negative energy came from her but he is primarily to blame for continuing a relationship with her at all when he is in a relationship with you. It’s one thing if the friend has never been intimate or romantic with the guy, and even in those cases it’s still tedious and risky to the health of a relationship- but this? This is a hard no. Why does he even want to be friends with someone so disrespectful to his significant other, it seems he enjoys all the attention. I think it’s time you tell him how you feel and that you’re not at all comfortable with this “friendship.”
Put your boyfriend behind you.
As much as she’s giving “pick me” vibes, it falls in your boyfriend to shut it down. He seems to have enjoyed the attention or at least wasn’t willing to stop the inappropriate conversation.
Have an honest conversation with him about your feelings of discomfort regarding this friend. If he minimizes your feelings, unfortunately, it’ll mean he cares more for his flirty friend than you.
Also draw your own boundaries of how much disrespect you’re willing to put up with before breaking up. It’s better to know about this problematic friend earlier when the relationship is not as serious
Flame her tf out girl she blatantly being cartoonishly disrespecting. You shouldve said so many times “what an awkward thing to do.” Talk about it to your BF immediately. If he doesnt understand maybe you guys arent gonna work. You shouldntve held back your tears, when something like that happens you gotta let your BF know.
Ik thats a lotta “shouldve” but its FYI for the future.
Dump the bf. He let this all go and played along. He is just as or more so guilty as she is. Not worth the hurt it caused you that day. If he behaves this way, believe him.
He enjoys that attention, and she knows it. She was doing all that because she wanted you to know that he belongs to her. If you continue your relationship with him, she will be a problem in the future.
Don’t expose yourself to her EVER AGAIN. She’s after your BF, and isn’t hiding it.
It honestly didn’t sound like you bf had bad intentions but his friend certainly intended to make you uncomfortable. You need to make abundantly clear to him your discomfortant with reasonings and explanations that he can understand. Don’t try and attack him or demand he stop talking to her but be honest. If he cares, he will understand and distance himself from this person, if not then you might should reevaluate
Stop refusing to eat when you’re hungry. It leaves you emotionally vulnerable. Take care of your basic needs!
Ask the boyfriend to imagine an ex of yours acting with you the way she did with him.
This is a genuine ultimatum time. If he chooses her, it will have been the correct choice for your relationship to end, because what you have isn’t a mutually-caring relationship.
In short… your boyfriend doesn’t respect you. If he did he would have corrected his so-called “friend” immediately. Instead he made excuses for her and ignored your feelings. Do you really want to be in a relationship like that?
Maybe he’s not for you. You can’t control him and tell him to back off anyone. If you feel the need to be like that bc you are insecure that you are the third wheel…you have choices…but controlling him is not one of them. You could leave.
Please, OP, work on your self-confidence. You are worth it. Your bf chooses you. Not every female friend is a risk to you. Your overreaction is what will drive your bf away, not that he will be “stolen” by another. I wish you the best.
It was a mistake that you allowed your boyfriend to have a friend that he had intimacy before in the first place.
All your feelings are valid, that girl was very disrespectful to you and she is definitely on to your boyfriend.
You only have 2 options here. He either cuts her off from his life or breaks up with you. Any other solution will make things worse.
Hello. Adult man here (45). You need to have a serious conversation with him, and do it in such a way that it doesn’t attack him. Hell, show him this reply after you bring up the topic! Boys love to have all sorts of female attention, men know where the line is and cut that stuff off at the pass. In an ideal world, he would have seen that she’s being a catty bitch and trying to mark her territory and done one of two things depending on how obvious she needed it to be: gotten physically closer to you and included you in on every piece of every conversation (it sounds like you’re an introvert) or more overtly told her to flat out back off. Keep in mind that it’s entirely possible that he just didn’t see it, us guys can be completely oblivious to the subtleties that women live and die by. It is a learned behavior to know when a woman is flirting with you vs. just being overtly friendly. In this case, there is sexual history and he should be distancing himself from her somewhat. That doesn’t mean they can’t be friends, but it does mean she can’t openly flirt with him in front of you and he needs to tell her if she’s going to act like that then she won’t be included in your future visits at all.
I’m not sure I understand. You went shopping with his ex-girlfriend and she insisted on buying him a pair of shoes? Who does that?