My bf doesn’t read the room when initiating sex. 21F / 21M

r/

1 year into our relationship, I keep having the repetitive conversation with my bf how he initiates sex with me. Most of the time he just starts foreplay and I receive it happily then we get to business. However, at least once every month or so I find myself in a situation where he doesn’t get the hint I’m not in the mood. He’ll begin foreplay when we’re just laying together and I’ll move his hand away from my privates and return to cuddling. Then ten minutes will go by and he’d do it again, then I’d do the same thing. I’d then say something alone the lines of ‘stop it’ or make an excuse like it’s too hot, tired etc.

Last night was my last straw where this played out again, id already moved his hand away twice, i made a joke about the movie and then instead of laughing he just started touching me? I told him he was pushing a boundary and making me uncomfortable. He always apologises and says he’ll be more careful in the future but it seems to keep happening.

We have sex at least once or twice a day so it’s not like he’s going without, as a whole we have a open and health communication style in all aspects but just not in this situation. It puts me in an awkward position of having to be very firm with how I turn him down, and often puts a downer on both our moods. I wish I could say ‘not right now’ without him trying again in half hour. I’ve asked why he can’t read my body language when initiating whether I’m into it or not after a year together and he says he doesn’t know. How can we both be better at communicating what we want when initiating?

Comments

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  2. Puzzleheaded-Boot603 Avatar

    Honestly, there’s a lot of times I don’t feel like taking it and I do because it makes my partner feel good not to suppress or be embarrassed ab urges and there’s something hot ab being able to take what and how you want when you want it.

  3. gibberish-pie Avatar

    Ask him if he wants a glass of milk and when he says no, ask him again every five minutes.

    Better yet, pour it in his mouth.

    He’s immature and he doesn’t respect you.

  4. trishsf Avatar

    That’s stunning. Twice a day and he’s not picking up very clear signals. I think you are just going to have to look him in the eye and say move your fucking hand. We’re not going at it again. I’m joking. Mostly. Sit him down and explain very clearly that when you move his hand that it doesn’t mean later, it means no and if he can’t figure that out and respond correctly really soon then he will need to ask permission every time just like a little boy with candy. I’m not joking about that because he’s not incredibly stupid is he? He is choosing to ignore your no and that’s not okay.

  5. CampusTour Avatar

    Have you tried telling him “Hey, if I turn down sex, that’s for the whole day. Like, if I ever respond with less than 100 percent enthusiasm, that’s me saying “Don’t initiate any kind of romantic or sexual physical contact until tomorrow.”

    Also, if your sex life involves any kind of playful teasing, or leading on, or maybe/maybe not/why don’t you come find out play, that could be causing a lot of confusion.

  6. GasStandard5560 Avatar

    Is he on the spectrum?

    If he doesn’t have and disability or mental health problems that may affect his understanding then he certainly understands that he’s crossing boundaries but he just doesn’t care

  7. pandapurrpurr Avatar

    This made me really sad to read, honestly, it sounds like sexual assault. It doesn’t always have to be violent and ”skin-to-skin” and I think I’ve read that it’s most often within relationships. This comment might get downvoted, but I want you to really listen to your own boundaries and know that it’s fully ok for you not wanting to be touched in ways that doesn’t align with what you’re feeling in the moment. 

    Try sitting down in another time, away from bed and other such setting, and bring up how it makes you feel and how you can both approach it. See how he responses and if he’s open for a dialogue. You deserve someone who respects you completely and to be fully seen

  8. aboringusername Avatar

    Pestering you to have sex with him until you give in while ignoring your very clear objections is sexual assault. If you have already had clear boundary-setting conversations and he is still crossing that line, you need to leave him.