We’ve been together for less than 12 months, in a happy, stable, and overall good relationship (way better than my last). I’ve never been given reason to question our commitment together. A few days ago, her ex-bf messages me on social media, stating he “needs to get something off his chest” that “they’ve been involved” while her and I have been together. The message is otherwise vague and assumptive in other areas, and I’ve not replied.
My options, as I see them are:
- Ask for evidence from him (perhaps undermining trust in my partner)
- Open a dialog with my partner about the accusation (perhaps undermining trust in her again)
- Do nothing
What would you do? Is there anything I am not considering?
Comments
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You should talk to him… ask him for proof. And most importantly, ask why he’s telling you this.
I would talk to your gf first and tell her what her ex said. You’re in the relationship with her, not her ex, and communication is a must in any healthy relationship.
Since he reached out to you first, you can (politely) ask him for details/proof. Be calm. The information he can provide is very important to your future relationship
If it didn’t show up with proof from the start, I’d assume he’s trying to start crap and I’d go to your gf with it.
He may be telling the truth, but there’s a good chance he wants you two to break up so he has another shot. Hold off a few days, and keep your eyes open. Then tell him to prove it or go away.
If he offered no proof it’s more than likely he’s just a jealous ex. But IN PERSON say hey your ex texted me on SM. Then watch her eyes. If she panics or can’t look you, uh oh.
Good luck.
“It’s a lot harder to be walked on when you are standing up!”
Updateme
Do nothing. Don’t engage.
Or block him, ask her. And specify, that he said they were still involved when you started dating her.
I’d guess that this is what the French call “le coup de pied de l’âne” (the kick of the donkey. Or “sour grapes” – aka crap talking a person that doesn’t want you anymore).
Don’t ignore this (it will always be in the back of your mind) or him. See if you can find proof from him and then talk with your girlfriend about it.
Number one is out of the question (unless he is a very close friend of yours). Number three is almost worse.
I would just show her the communication and calmly let her explain. Do not accuse her of anything. Just listen, and then decide if you believe her. But if you do, you should probably ask for some reassurances that she breaks up any communication with him.
you should respond with “bs where’s the proof.” If he doesnt have it, then you know not to trust his words. Then you inform your gf by saying your ex wants to break us up and made allegations so I told him bs where’s the evidence. This way it makes you sound like you have trust in her but not guilty of doing anything wrong, just calling him out.
If all he’s done is spout vague accusations about “being involved” then I think you are completely reasonable to ask him for clarification. I would reply to ask him what the heck he means. Are they texting? Have they hooked up? Are they dating? Is she trying to get her stuff back that he kept when they broke up? There is a LOT of space to assume things in that comment.
Regardless of what he says or does not say to that request, you need to tell your GF what he’s been saying after you give him a chance to respond. Don’t frame it as an accusation. Frame it as telling her what someone is saying behind her back. If her ex is talking crap about her and trying to break you up, she needs to know.
Show your partner the text and discuss how she wants it handled. Block the ex.
There’s nothing wrong with listening what the guy has to say. It’s not like you reached out to him first asking for dirt on her. He can prove fairly easily if they’ve been in contact. Have you ever had a suspicion she was talking to someone else? Has this guy tried messing with your relationship in the past year? If he can’t send you screenshots of messages indicating they’ve been in contact he’s lying. I would ask to call the guy so I can a better read on him. Talk to the guy first because if he has messages proving this then don’t give your gf a chance to wipe her chat logs. I would be showing her the messages and asking to see her phone to see her reaction.
1 and 2 seem like the best call, ask him for proof and have a chat with her.
Generally you are worried about undermining trust in her again (guessing this means making her think you don’t trust her) but a reason has come up to at least ask. She should be able to see that and be understanding of why you are asking. If she was to get mad or anything even if she is being honest it is a sign she may not be a great GF
If it were me I’d ask for proof, I don’t want to be with a girl that would break up cuz she takes it as “you don’t trust me” that’s the exact things that manipulative people always use.
I would never accuse someone seriously of not trusting me because something that serious was alleged and they wanted proof of it and to find out further.
It’s childish to me to throw around all that not trusting stuff when you are just getting to the truth of things. So often the truth is you shouldn’t have trusted the person you did trust during these times.
Show her the message. Gauge her reaction and her response. If you haven’t been given any reason to be worried, then there is no reason you can’t just tell her he messaged you so it feels less like you and him against her but you showing your partner something that concerns her, without being accusatory