So we met through those dating apps in August 2024 and started dating. We made it an official relationship on Valentine’s Day 2025. From the beginning she was transparent about her legal status and I was transparent that I wasn’t the type to get married. It had been a year since I just got out of a 14 years relationship and I have a teen son from that union. But I was never married.
The thing is, ever since this sweeping deportation thing, her fears have increased and she knows she can get deported at any time. She overstayed her visa and the only way to fix it is through marriage. Long story short, we spoke to a immigration attorney so there are no other options. In fact, she had spoken to immigration attorneys before and knew her only option was to get married but since I was skeptical, she willfully agreed to seek a third opinion just so I can go and hear it all for myself.
She claims she really misses her family (been here 3 years) and her aging grandparents. She knows if something was to happen to them, she would have to leave and lose any chance of coming back to the States. She knows very basic English and works Uber eats for 12 hours a day. She gets fed up with it and wants more for herself. She says she wants to earn her papers so that she can begin working and building something for herself as right now she sees it all as just a dead end. She wants to build together and she says she’s in love with me, and that she prefers to be married to someone that she loves but doesn’t want to stay in the USA for someone she loves only to continue working mediocre jobs. She has education from her Latin country, but none of it matters over here, especially if she doesn’t have legal status. Again, she has overstayed her Visa. Things look very bleak. (She had a previous relationship with a guy whom wanted to marry her but she says she couldn’t go through with it because she felt so guilty knowing that she didn’t feel any feelings towards him….but that could be a lie for all I know)
We haven’t even moved in together and we are planning to move in with each other in September. However, she is now asking me to really consider within 6 months if I am willing to put marriage on the table so that we can continue to stay together and travel. In fact, she told me this morning that if she is willing to compromise being with me knowing that she would never have any children of her own then why couldn’t I compromise my whole “never going to get married” philosophy? (For context, I had a vasectomy while we dated and she had no children of her own and so far doesn’t feel like she will ever want any but all that could change. I know that I do not want any more children)
We love traveling but we haven’t been able to do a whole bunch of it because of her Visa situation. It’s not the first time she brings up marriage and I often feel pressured, especially being that I just got out of a 14-year relationship in which my ex-wife cheated on me. I want to say I have healed from that situation, but I’m also not very trusting of people, especially so trusting to want to marry someone who I have not even lived with for a year or dated more than 3 or 4 years. She’s not willing to wait 4 years because she says that it is a long time and she feels like she is wasting her time with so much uncertainty. She fears that maybe her grandparents might die during that time, or she might get caught up in ICE Raids. She just doesn’t see how time is on her side at the moment. All I see is a feeling of pressure with all the time frames that she’s putting before me.
I also have to make sure that I look out for my son’s financial well-being. I have 50% custody. In 4 years he will hopefully be off to college which I plan on helping him. I don’t want to sign an affidavit and be responsible for an immigrant for 10 years and possibly get caught up in an ugly separation or divorce. So much can happen during that 10-year sponsorship. I would hate to go through a nasty divorce and then be liable for alimony or anything that would financially ruin me (or my son since he is dependent on me and I love him very much). It seems like I am putting all the risk and there is nothing that she is putting from her side but maybe I’m just not appreciating her side of things. I do love her but I don’t believe love means you have to get married. For example, If I am putting all resources at risk on the table and all she brings is “love” (her words) then my logic tells me that’s BS. Love can be fickle. She could decide she doesn’t love me tomorrow yet it’s not so easy from my perspective cause I am now in a legally binding contract. Oh and a prenuptial agreement does not wave the ten year sponsorship affidavit that I would have to sign.
The thing is I have actually thought about possibly marrying her for her to get her legal status but it would be something that would take time. I want it to be organic. I don’t want to put time frames but neither do I want it to take more than 4 years. I just feel that we have been together so very little to even consider marriage at this point. Especially if we don’t even know how we would be if we live together. The fact that she keeps bringing it up rubs me the wrong way.
But I do really love her and enjoy her company a lot. She checks a lot of boxes for me. She’s not superficial, not high maintenance, she loves to read books, listen to podcasts, writes in her journal, and really hustles to make ends meet. I really respect that in a woman. Especially when you consider that a lot of women these days are so superficial and caught up in tick tock reels and social media. She loves to be out in nature, we always go hiking with each other, we love exploring the outdoors and go to the gym together as a couple. But still, deep down inside, I just don’t feel like I am financially ready to take on that risk. I have some student loans I still have to pay off, I am also still paying off $3,000 in debt for a lawyer from when I had to fight for 50% custody for my own son. I feel like I am barely starting to pick up the pieces of my life and then comes this amazing woman who suddenly makes me feel pressured for marriage. I’m just at a complete loss. I’m confused. She makes me feel happy when I’m with her. I know that I will be okay without her. I know that we will both be okay regardless of the situation. But I really have not connected with someone in such a long time and this isn’t just trauma bonding. It’s a genuine connection that I didn’t even feel with my ex. This woman intellectually stimulates me in ways many women haven’t in a long time. I love engaging in conversation with her and I have sexual chemistry with her.
Anyway, just hoping to get someone else’s thoughts on the matter outside my own.
Thanks.
Comments
You said it yourself.
She wants to get married and you don’t.
Both of you are incompatible.
Bro. Dont Marry for a visa.
Marriage isn’t something to tick a box. All the alarm bells are going off in your head because this goes against what you really feel. You’ve not even been together a year, and never lived together.
just reread your own post
you give many reasons for hesitation and not many to marry for the right ones. if alarm bells are going off in your head, it’s for a reason. trust your gut
i do not think this will end well if you rush to marry her
Break up, maybe she will find someone to marry her before she gets deported.
Don’t marry her yet.
It’s a really shitty situation for her, absolutely. I definitely can empathise with how miserable she must feel having to make choices without some semblance of security in her legal status. Living away from aging family is tough enough without having to worry about re-entry.
But we’ve all read lots of stories about people moving quickly and it completely biting them in the ass, regardless of anyone’s intentions. Rushing into this when you’re already unenthused is like a neon sign blinking “hell no”.
Tell her that you need to be cohabitating for at least X amount of time before you’ll consider marriage, and if she continues to push it will jeopardise your relationship. If she doesn’t like those terms, you need to split up so she can find someone else – if that’s what she wants.
Is there no way you can restart the visa process or find some other way to legally bring her over?
In this climate, i would not marry anyone for a Visa. Even if you did marry, that doesn’t guarantee she won’t be deported especially since she stayed past her Visa. For her own safety, she needs to go home. The U.S. isn’t safe.
You don’t want to get married. Ever. That’s fine. But break up with her if you won’t consider her situation at all. She’ll probably be deported before she meets your arbitrary check boxes. I don’t blame you for not wanting to marry but let her go dude. You don’t care enough about her to keep her safe but only enough to use her for whatever you feel like. Break it off.
getting a green card won’t stop ICE from rounding her up.
Marrying her will massively complicate you and your son’s lives and unfortunately it will not provide her with any real protection from all the horrible things going on.
Forget about her current situation, she wants to get married and you don’t. Don’t waste her time. You have to figure out what you want in a relationship.
Also you say you don’t trust her (she said she had a previous relationship and was about to get marry).
All I can see is that she was honest with you from day one.
What a tough place to be. It’s one more expense, but maybe if you’re seriously considering it you can have a prenup that you will absolutely pay nothing if it does not work out. She would even have to pay for the divorce.
Mostly I would stick
With your gut. She might be a good partner, but she won’t be the last. You sound like a thoughtful person that likes life.
Reading your post, it sounds like you don’t actually love her enough for her to stay. That’s not a bad thing on you, just stating that’s how it looks. If you were head over heels in love, a year is plenty of time to decide “This woman is everything to me and there’s no way I can let her be deported.” You don’t feel that way though, and if you don’t feel it after a year…you aren’t going to feel it. She literally can’t just wait around another 3-4 years before you decide you won’t change your mind anyways. You need to ask yourself how you’d feel if she was deported tomorrow. Play that out in your head. Would you regret not marrying her then? Or maybe you’re not as upset as you thought you’d be?
You aren’t a jerk for not wanting to marry her, but you are kinda a jerk for the “I feel so pressured I need 3-4 years to think on it” when you know good and well she could be deported any day.
Hell no.
This is a terrible situation, but you can’t marry her.
Dude, this is so stupid. You know you don’t want to marry. Move on with your damn life and find someone whose priorities and life goals align with yours. Not that difficult to figure out.