So me and my ex just broke up very recently.
It was thankfully an amicable breakup. We both had a proper discussion and realised that we want different things in life and agreed to move out.
But due to financial constraints our timeline to move out is 4 months from now. At first i tried sleeping at the couch. But at 30 yrs old sleeping on a couch for 3 days in a row does take a toll on the body. So we agreed that i can sleep on the bed of course minus the intimacy.
It feels weird because it’s like nothing happened . It’s my first break up where we are both happy of the outcome. I fear that sleeping in the same bed might just bring us back to our complacency.
But i don’t want to move out right away because it will leave my ex in financial ruin. I already initiated the breakup and i don’t plan to be cruel to just leave the apartment and leave her in debt. I am emotionally confused because i know i want to move out and that being here just makes it harder for me to recover.
I know it’s weird to sleep on the same bed but given the situation how would you do it in my position?
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Set clear boundaries share the bed platonically (no cuddling/talking about the past) and create emotional distance. Use separate blankets/sides, limit non-essential interactions, and focus on exit plans.
That isn’t gonna last long lol
air mattress
Get an air mattress and sleep in the living room.
Pretend youve been married for 20 years. There won’t be any intimacy and it will seem normal. 😆
Fortunately, your ex is an adult. You are not responsible for her or her living arrangements anymore.
I believe it’s fair to say either I’m moving out in 30 days or you need to move out in 30 days. That way it’s clear that she needs to find a new roommate in 30 days or a place to live.
Keep being civil and respectful but don’t go out of your way. Be clear about not being intimate anymore, such as not sharing how your day went, physical touches, words of affection, plus the obvious of no sex, etc.
Consider an air mattress.
Isn’t breaking a lease just like one months rent and a maybe a fee?
… i would move out.
Get an air mattress. At this point you really aren’t broken up.
Someone quite close to me broke off an engagement a few years ago, same situation – very amicably, both agreed it wasn’t the right path for either of them. They were great friends before they got together but they could already see they were growing apart so they chose to break it off.
I know they would both like their own space so they can carry on with their respective lives but neither of them can really afford to (housing is ridiculously expensive in our area). I’ve gone with her to see various different rentals but she too is finding it difficult to leave the nest – first and last month rent plus deposit is hard to come up with on a single income when you’re already in a lease – so he’s in the same boat.
Funny thing is tho, they get along much better now than they did when they were together, so it makes it very easy to be able to coexist in the same house. Plus, they both have their own dogs, so hey! Free babysitting if needed!!
Not to say there hasn’t been issues or they don’t get annoyed with each other, they do. The only time I’ve seen any major discomfort at this point is when she has a date or tries to initiate a relationship with someone else – he’s not jealous, but she has concerns for his feelings and those of the prospective partner so it’s made things difficult in that regard.
The point is, I wouldn’t worry that you’ve had to extend the period in which you have to move on. Shit happens. Make the best of the situation – can you get a futon? Or a foldaway sofa?
Sleeping in the same bed sounds difficult emotionally. Maybe invest in a good air mattress and put it in the living room.
Gonna be weird when you start dating.
Get another bed bro.
The blurred lines will mess with you until you two are actually done.
Move out and help pay your share of the rent for the next few months.
I’d get an air mattress. There are plenty that are actually pretty nice. I’d then start making plans to actually separate. If someone can’t afford the apartment alone, split the termination fee. It’s great that you’re amicable about this but this arrangement isn’t a good idea.
What’s going to change in 1-3 months that she’ll no longer be in financial ruins when you leave? Will you be ok leaving her in financial ruins at that point or will you stay indefinitely out of guilt?
Tell her your move out date. Be clear and concise that if her situation doesn’t change, you’ll still be moving out regardless.
Love doesn’t just go away, as long as you’re living together lines can be blurred. It’s easy to fall into habits and also easy for anger and resentment to build and make the breakup even more painful. This delays dealing with the new reality that you’re no longer a part of each other’s lives. Bringing other dates around would be cruel.
She can get roommates. Lots of people live with strangers they meet on roommate finder.
Yeah I’ve been in the same situation. I do think having a clear timeline is important. You may respect your partner enough to not leave her carrying a financial burden, but you both need to be planning and actively working towards changing the status quo.
Get a pull out sofa bed, move into a spare room, look for new accommodation that has multiple bedrooms (if you want to continue sharing).
Reading your post, it sounds like neither of you are actively wanting or pushing to make the change.
When my husband and I separated, I was able to find an apartment immediately, but it was going to take a few months before I could actually move in, so we were still living together.
He offered to let me sleep in the bed, but I couldn’t. I just slept on the couch.
If the couch isn’t going to work for you, maybe consider an air mattress, or a foldout futon of some kind