My ex and I have been divorced for ~9 years. Our child (13) splits time 50-50 with us. My relationship with their father is civil and friendly enough.
My child and I spend lots of time together, even if it is just doing nothing special. When they’re with their father, I always check in on how their day is going or how they’re feeling, etc. It is always very clear that I am their safe space. They know I won’t forget about them or miss out on anything important. They know I will listen if they want to talk or sit quietly with them if they don’t so they aren’t alone. They always know where to find me and that they are welcome to share space with me. They’ve made it clear unprompted that they prefer being with me. I never ask things that are hidden digs at their father or attempt to goad them into telling me I’m the best.
My child has told me that their father never comes out of his room or office at his house (which he shares with his mother). They only really see him when it’s mealtime or he has to take them somewhere. Frequently they don’t even know where he is or if he is even home. He never checks in if they’re with me but are sick or having a bad day or something. He has forgotten to pick them up from school on multiple occasions, leaving them for an hour or more. He is unreliable to the point that my child jokes about it and accepts it as fact. In 9 years he hasn’t learned to cook more than a handful of meals, so my child just eats takeout most of the time over there. Within the past couple of years, my child flat out doesn’t bother to expect anything from him. They bond over mutually interesting entertainment, so they do have a connection there. Even so, sitting down to watch a movie or show together is rare.
I used to make sure my ex was always reminded about things in our child’s life or given ideas for how he can better their relationship with each other. He is often saddened when my child expresses doubts about him, yet he never changes his ways or puts in the effort. He’s not mean or cruel or dismissive of our child. He’s just not present. I have stopped the babysitting and making him look good because it’s not my job anymore. Not that it was when I was his wife, but it certainly isn’t now that I’m his ex. By the time my child turned 11 or so, I figured they could see the writing on the wall anyway. They’re a smart, observant kid. They can see which parent does what.
AITA for no longer making sure my ex looks / behaves like an engaged father? I don’t think IATA when it comes to him and his feelings. He’s an adult and those are not my problem. But I can’t help but feel like I should be protecting my kid from having a moment in their adult life when they look back and think, damn, he was a douche. I feel responsible for preventing as much potential trauma as I can for them, so it breaks my heart to think I’m not shielding them from this.
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My ex and I have been divorced for ~9 years. Our child (13) splits time 50-50 with us. My relationship with their father is civil and friendly enough.
My child and I spend lots of time together, even if it is just doing nothing special. When they’re with their father, I always check in on how their day is going or how they’re feeling, etc. It is always very clear that I am their safe space. They know I won’t forget about them or miss out on anything important. They know I will listen if they want to talk or sit quietly with them if they don’t so they aren’t alone. They always know where to find me and that they are welcome to share space with me. They’ve made it clear unprompted that they prefer being with me. I never ask things that are hidden digs at their father or attempt to goad them into telling me I’m the best.
My child has told me that their father never comes out of his room or office at his house (which he shares with his mother). They only really see him when it’s mealtime or he has to take them somewhere. Frequently they don’t even know where he is or if he is even home. He never checks in if they’re with me but are sick or having a bad day or something. He has forgotten to pick them up from school on multiple occasions, leaving them for an hour or more. He is unreliable to the point that my child jokes about it and accepts it as fact. In 9 years he hasn’t learned to cook more than a handful of meals, so my child just eats takeout most of the time over there. Within the past couple of years, my child flat out doesn’t bother to expect anything from him. They bond over mutually interesting entertainment, so they do have a connection there. Even so, sitting down to watch a movie or show together is rare.
I used to make sure my ex was always reminded about things in our child’s life or given ideas for how he can better their relationship with each other. He is often saddened when my child expresses doubts about him, yet he never changes his ways or puts in the effort. He’s not mean or cruel or dismissive of our child. He’s just not present. I have stopped the babysitting and making him look good because it’s not my job anymore. Not that it was when I was his wife, but it certainly isn’t now that I’m his ex. By the time my child turned 11 or so, I figured they could see the writing on the wall anyway. They’re a smart, observant kid. They can see which parent does what.
AITA for no longer making sure my ex looks / behaves like an engaged father? I don’t think IATA when it comes to him and his feelings. He’s an adult and those are not my problem. But I can’t help but feel like I should be protecting my kid from having a moment in their adult life when they look back and think, damn, he was a douche. I feel responsible for preventing as much potential trauma as I can for them, so it breaks my heart to think I’m not shielding them from this.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> By not holding my ex’s hand and helping him look good, I think I am damaging our child
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA your child is a teenager, they are old enough to understand who actually puts in the effort for them. Your ex doesn’t get to have a relationship for free; he has to put in the work, just like you do. To try to cover for that and put in the work for both parents yourself, would be unfair to you and unfair to your child.
You are NTA, providing you don’t badmouth you ex in from of your child. Your ex sounds childish, maybe his mom can start reminding him.
NTA, the thing about kids is that they grow up and form their own opinions. The thing about an AH is they don’t change. My guess is your kid is going to be a great parent one day because they know what it’s like to have a YTA parent. Keep showing them that you’re NTA and one day, you’ll have grandkids who will smother you in kisses.
NTA. You can’t shield your child forever unless your planning to still trying to hold the dads hand and make him actively parent until your dead. Just don’t speak bad of him; that’s all you owe your kid. But kids are smart and way more capable of adapting and understanding than we as adults think. Your child will put the pieces together at some point and honestly it’ll be easier on them to understand sooner rather than later. I know it sucks because you want the best for your kid but hiding the reality of who and how their father is, won’t do them any favors. Looking back as an adult and realizing their dad was never really present is a lot less of a gut punch than them thinking he was because of your input and then it suddenly stopping when you can no longer be the influence; that in my mind would be way more painful and make the child feel like it’s somehow their fault that dad suddenly shifted.
You’re NTA. Your ex sounds aware of the issue, just trying to ignore it. Doesn’t sound like you’44 badmouthing him either. Realistically speaking you can’t make him step up and be more present – it’s just not possible. How much would you need to be intervening to prevent your child from realizing he’s unreliable and emotionally distant? It sucks for your kid, but just try to be there for them like you’re doing.
NTA it’s not your responsibility to fill the shoes of someone who doesn’t seem to love or, at the very least, care about your child. Keep being the loving and supportive parent you are. Remember: if they wanted to, they would.
100% NTA At some point he’s just going to be who he’s going to be. While some encouragement here and there like you said you used to do is good to make him feel like he has a chance at being a good father, at the end of the day, it’s about what the kid wants. If they’re seeing no value in spending time with their father that’s their decision. I have cousins that used to visit their dad, and at some point they felt like they weren’t cared for or wanted there and stopped going. Not because he did anything, but they just felt more loved and appreciated with their mom and stepdad. While it’s sad that he’s missing out on a relationship with his kid, he chose not to engage with his kid and you already did more than you needed to by making an effort to foster that relationship. And it sounds like you care a lot about this and are making an effort to help. You seem like a great mom and really no one here is TA.
NTA. It’s not your responsibility, and frankly if you were trying to do these things it would be overstepping the mark. He’s his own man. His relationship with your kid is his to forge. So long as you never stand in the way of the efforts he makes, his efforts are his and his alone.
Look it’s not your job to make your ex seem like a good parent so NTA. Your kid will remember who was there and who wasn’t, unfortunately you can’t always shield your child especially from their other parent even when you want to
NTA as he is an adult and parent but for me I wouldn’t do it for him but for your child as he is the one suffering. When saying that I’m not saying abusing him but sometimes being invisible to someone is just as bad plus wasting so much time doing nothing just stinks.
I would talk with your son and ask if you could make it work if he would like to spend less time at his dad’s house. Explain you just want his thoughts on things or maybe if he thinks family therapy would help open his dads eyes
If yes to either I would invite the dad one more time and explain how he’s making his child feel and not spending the limits time left will impact their relationship for life. Say just carving out a hour while he is there and give full attention or talk about his day so he feel wanted is better than what he is doing as he only has a couple more years left u til he’s a adult and maybe less
Stop taking on ‘fixing’ what you do not control – NTA
How he shows up is on him. Keep all communication in a court-supported text app or texting. His negligence not picking up his kid should be documented w/ perhaps concerning behavior not mentioned.
Now is the time to explore at what age do family court judges accept the child’s perspective to reduce and/or stop spending time with their father. Kids should be informed of their options. IMO 50/50 split sounds awful for your daughter. Best to you.
How, exactly, would you do this? You can’t change him. I think you’re good.
NTA. You can’t fix your ex’s parenting. It’s great your kid has a solid support system with you. They’ll appreciate it later…
I have a 12 year old and a 14 year old. They’re both pretty opinionated. I’ve found that having basic conversations and saying “if I was in your shoes, this is what I would want my mom to do…” has helped us tremendously. Most times, they’ll tell me not to worry or that I’m overthinking something, but I always feel like they relax a little because I acknowledged something they’re going through.
I recently told my 14 year old that I was overreacting and being nervous about an event she was going to. She could tell I was off. When I told her, she chuckled and said “I’ll be ok…. I love you.”
Tell your kid how you’re feeling. I don’t think you’re TA for not parenting their dad. If you said something like “it’s not my job to tell dad how to parent, but I will do it because you asked me to and I love you” your kid will give you an honest answer.
Good luck, mama. These teen years are hard!
So looking at the other comments I guess this might be controversial but ESH.
Like you are not responsible for his parenting. What makes you an AH in my eyes is you know your child is being neglected at their father’s house and your response is to listen (which is nice) but otherwise just be on standby. As a parent you need to speak up and help advocate for your child.
NTA. OP, remember this: you only have one child. You don’t have to (and can’t) raise your ex into a father.
NTA. As you mentioned, y’all aren’t together anymore. It sounds like he’s aware of the problem, but can’t bring himself to care enough to change the situation. You could be the most encouraging, supportive person in the world and it likely wouldn’t help much. I doubt he’s going to have a relationship with y’all’s child once they turn 18.