My girlfriend and I have been together for about two and a half years. When we first met, she was a little chubby, which I was okay with—but I’ve always had a fear of her gaining more weight over time. And now, she has. I’ve never had a preference for bigger women, and I find myself starting to lose attraction—but I still really love her.
The problem is, anytime I try to bring up health or suggest small things like going on walks or eating lighter meals together, she takes it personally. She’ll say things like, “Why are you calling me fat?” and get really emotional. At the same time, she tells me, “Let me know if I ever start gaining too much weight,” but when I try to hint at it gently, she gets upset or shuts down.
It feels like I’m stuck in a loop—I try to be supportive, but anything I say is taken the wrong way. I’m not trying to be judgmental or hurtful, but I feel like I’m walking on eggshells. What would you do in my situation? I don’t want to break up over something like this, but I also don’t know how to approach it anymore without hurting her or hiding my own feelings.
What would you guys do if you were in my position.
Comments
You don’t say anything? She already knows. Instead you be supportive and reassuring
Just break up with her
You really can’t win with this. Maybe purchase a gym membership for both of you? I mean, good luck.
I mean… at some point if you don’t have an open and honest conversation about this with her… it’s going to get to the point where you’ll find yourself starting to resent her and you won’t be able to hide it.
She’s going to have to be honest with herself too. Chances are she already knows she’s getting fat, but she’s in denial about it. And she’s essentially expecting YOU to play along in her denial. Which is why she’s getting defensive when she feels you’re bringing it up in subtle ways.
I can’t imagine how awkward that conversation will be… especially if you really love her. But if you’re starting to lose your attraction to her now… chances are it’s only going to get worse.
My ex used to be honest with me about it. Ofc he doesn’t tell me “ I’m not attracted to you” but he would tell me “ I won’t lie to you if you’re gaining weight , because I want the best for you and your health” . It’s a very sensitive discussion so no matter how soft you are with the words it will be hard. Maybe motivate her by going with her to the gym, or buy her a smaller size of clothes …
Dump her, if her well-being isn’t important to her, cut your losses now before it’s too late. There will be even more serious issues down the road that you don’t want to encounter if it’s already this rough in the relationship.
You don’t. She knows. Nothing good can come from telling her.
You got bigger issues than her weight if you can’t have a conversation with them without walling up.
You need to figure out in yourself whether it’s actually her gaining weight that’s the issue OR is it because you value different things and these things don’t align (e.g. you value healthy lifestyle), then maybe you value different things.
“What would you guys do if you were in my position.”
If she’s not wiling to do anything about it then break up. I’m not going to end up stuck with a whale 10years down the line. Watch all the downvotes from the fatties.
I can assure you, I’ve seen this many times. What started as 5-10 lbs overweight explodes to 30-50+ lbs within 5-10 years down the line. Seen it enough time. The guys always looks miserable or disgusted but no balls to do anything.
Her future.
Edit: Lol, not surprised at the downvotes from women and fatties.
“I feel like I’m walking on eggshells”
Also read OP’s comments, this guy has no balls. You can’t play it both ways, pick a side and go with it.
Yeah thats tough bro. I would write off the phrase “tell me if i start to gain too much weight” entirely. From her actions, she does not want to hear that whatsoever.
It’s hard to win here. Ask if she wants to go on a diet with you, I know cutting carbohydrates to almost 0 helps a lot with losing weight. The keto diet is really popular, especially amongst girls.
If it’s to the point that you’re losing attraction for her and she doesn’t want to do anything about it, then that’s your sign to leave. “Doing something about it” involves first acknowledging it’s presence. If she can’t have the tough, but necessary, conversation about it then that’s your sign to leave.
It’s emotional manipulation and you sir, will not win. She is playing a game she has undoubtedly been practicing for a very long time. If you play, you lose. If you don’t play, she gets bigger and bigger which will only compound the situation, making any further discussion even more .
You can pull the bandaid off, have an honest, but kind conversation and hope for the best or leave or you can just live with it.
Ask her to help you get fit and healthy. Talk about her motivating YOU to stay on track.
I’m sure she knows. So keep your mouth shut lol
Whatever you do, don’t marry her. I made this mistake believing all the stuff she said about losing the weight. It never happened and got much, much worse. Bail while it’s still easy.
Not a man.
She knows she’s gaining weight. You don’t have to tell her. She won’t lose weight for you (speaking from personal experience as someone who has dealt with weight issues all my life and it has caused relationship problems).
If you are not happy with the fact that she’s heavier, you need to be real with yourself, not her. Do not stay with her out of hope that she’ll get back to an original weight. That’s not how it works with someone in the middle of a weight crisis. Stay with her if you love her and can accept her exactly as she is right now. Otherwise, it’s better for both of you to end it sooner than later.
Don’t tell her. She knows!
She’s going to get pissed, I told my wife, she got mad, then we got a personal trainer that we go to together and now we are both jacked. They also did a intro weight loss program that tracked BMI and fat content and that really helped to have a third party do the judging.
A peloton for Christmas or birthday would be nice
plan a nice surprise date.
Layout some of her shoes and one of her sexy dresses on the bed that was already snug on her a year ago.
tell her to go put on that outfit you love that you laid out for her and you’re going on a surprise date.
handle the outcome gently and cautiously but use it as “conversation starting point” that you have meticulously planed but sounds spontaneous.
never tell a soul you planned it this way.
Just say it you coward. Tell her she’s eating herself out of the relationship. But it was tonight of fun.
Well, though spot but I’d sit her down for a real conversation instead of hints.
Like “I know this is a sensitive subject for you, and I know ypu’ll find it hard to hear but you’ve also told me to tell you in time and I want to be honest with you so pur relationship doesn’t go down the drain. Honey, I love you very, very much, but you’ve gaines a bit too much weight. And I’d love for you to lose some”
She’ll be hurt allright, but at least now it’s 1 time, straight up, clear and done. Instead of the continu hints that hurt her and when you lose attraction it’ll obviously also hurt her.
Then it’s up to her to feel her feelings and then decide wether you’re worth slimming down for or not.
That last line was just a joke btw.
Good luck man, end the convo with some love, she’ll be fine.
It’s shit like this that makes me resent how some people detest liars full stop. Fuck do you expect me to do here?
You can’t have a relationship where you are afraid to communicate and be honest with your partner.
Aside from desirability, your partner gaining weight is also a health risk.
If I were in your position, I would bite the bullet and communicate my thoughts.
Even better, write them down. And you can share with her a letter or a screenshot of your notes.
That way it takes the emotion out.
The bigger problem is more of the communication and the emotional issues she’s dealing with. Her weight gain is a side effect.
Idk man.
When I first got together with my bf, I made our dates into hiking and picnic dates to make our lives more active. Or nature walks. Or trips to the zoo where you can hit up to 20k walks a time. Over time it became a thing and its normal for this active lifestyle.
Like I didn’t make it obvious that it’s exercising more like I’m bored and I want to go out. Let’s go hiking tomorrow.
My bf had a fear of running and would always be upset whenever I brought walking faster or jogging up due to some incident where he was hospitalized and had some ptsd. But it slowly built up and suddenly the guy became forrest gump. It took 2.5 years I think for running to happen.
Make it a weekly holiday trip or something.
I’m ashamed to say that now I’m not the active one. Roles have reversed.
its a good test for your relationship. you should be able to talk to her and be honest.
if you cant do that then theres a problem with the relationship itself and you might be better ending it.
There’s only one way to deal with this, a real tough conversation.
You have to sit here down for a formal conversation, not something in passing, not a comment here or there, a “we need to talk” situation. The compliment sandwich works great in this, start with a positive, then introduce the negative, then end with a positive.
Your gf sounds like she has major self esteem issues, and also major communication issues. If she’s telling you “tell me if I get to fat” but then brushes it off when you make a comment that’s the worst type of a communicator. Mixed signals not only don’t help, they only confuse you further, you have to address this.
So many people sugar coat, beat around the bush, they to spare feelings by watering down their own emotions and it only hurts both of you because it’s not the real whole truth.
I personally would say something like:
Honestly, the best way to go about this is leading by example. Eating healthy and exercising without her while always inviting her. Dont mind if she gets upset. If she doesn’t take up on it after a month or so, then try sitting her down and talking to her like you did here. Saying “I try to talk with you about this, and you tell me to talk with you about this, but everytime I do you get upset, and I dont feel like i can talk with you about it.” The thing is, humans aren’t SUPPOSED to be obese. We aren’t supposed to have as much access to as much unhealthy food that we do. We’re supposed to be moving daily for our daily survival needs. We dont have to do that anymore. It’s extremely easy to be unhealthy. So everyone that is actually overweight is insecure about it, to a certain level. Everyone is who overweight knows they need to lose weight. It causes so many health issues because our bodies aren’t meant to handle being overweight. She is extremely insecure. And my heart goes out to her. I’ve been in a similar situation recently. Im short, I gained 10 lbs over a year, and my ex-boyfriend lost some attraction to me as well. He never admitted it, but it was obvious. I would say the same thing that she did as well. And honestly, him never admitting it hurt more long term because he wasn’t willing to be truthful, and he felt like the truth would hurt me more than a lie. Your girlfriend knows you’ve lost attraction. You dont need to tell her, but you should talk with her about it anyway, because you deserve to be with someone you’re attracted to, and who takes care of themselves, if thats what youre looking for. Most people are.
I am a female – it’s all about how you say things. Your girl just wants to be secured and reassured around you so first tell her how much she means to you and how much you love her in your life. Then tell her that you really want to focus on your and her health – you want to look nice and stay in shape for her and you also want the same for her. Tell her how you found her so attractive when you first met and how she looked perfect – you want to see her like that again; it is also good for her health. I suggest you make a workout plan with her together (there are even free online workout videos) also consider changes in diet. Say that you want to focus on a healthy lifestyle which will lead to both of you looking nice and having a healthier future together. She needs to grow up and listen to your genuine concerns. Say that looks matter and you want yourself and her to look great because health is everything in the end and it will only be in your best interest. Approach the subject like this and see what she says – talk to her first and then suggest a plan of action; relationship is about making compromises. Both of you need to meet half way – if you are expressing a genuine concern for her betterment, she can’t possible be upset. You are only saying this as her equal partner and her well wisher – you are not a stranger, try it this way and see how it goes.
Its your problem and not hers. You are uncomfortable with it. So end the relationship.
90% of women get fat once you marry them. Get used to it.
If she’s acting like that, its because she already knows
Shatter them eggshells and tell her the harsh truth. It’ll suck, but if you can’t have an honest conversation then the relationship is doomed regardless.
Have a calm, loving sit down conversation with her. Just be honest and direct but emphasize the love and your wish to remain together. Bodies change over time, we have hormonal issues, pregnancies, life changes etc but I wish my man would have years ago. I didn’t know it bothered him or that he was loosing attraction. Him trying to spare my feelings caused more heartache in the long run. I’ve been working on it. Things are getting better but I wish I would have known when it started would have been easier I make changes. Also if she can’t accept your feelings then there are bigger problems
Maybe you need to be brutally honest. What you describe is no way to live, frankly
Hey babe, I love you, you know this. But you’ve gained weight to an alarming degree and I worry you’re hurting your health. Plus you told me to tell you, so I’m telling you.
When she cries etc let her. When she’s finished, tell her you don’t understand her tears as she asked for honest feedback, that you are ready to go to counseling on this topic because it’s unfair.
Worst case scenario? She keeps being in denial, so you exit the relationship. Best case scenario? This makes her realize she’s acting wrongly and the issue is addressed
Let a doctor do it. Some do not listen to anything less.
Hurt her with the truth or just break up. The only result walking around on eggshells like this is you ending up miserable and her never learning to deal with her sensitivity and never growing up. Only insecure and childish people gets sensetive about something as simple as weight when it’s something we all can controll 100% (and please i already know there will be women commenting and downgrading saying some stupid shit about “what about people who steuggle with health issues, medicine etc bs, Nooo, at the end of the day, nobody is forcing down extra surplus calories down nobody’s throat). I’ve been obese, and still am overweight trying to get back in my best shape, and would love it if my woman would simply say it in a gentle way like “Hey baby, i love you, but I’m starting to lose some attraction for you with the weight you’ve been putting on, and before you get mad and sad, remember that you told me to tell you if you start gaining weight, but also remember that I can’t help feeling the way i feel regarding my attraction just as you can’t control your feelings regarding weight, but i can help you through it”.
Any woman I’ve ever been with that were super sensetive about things they can actually control, has usually been walking headaches to be around long term because they’re like children in their heads never taking accountability for their own shit.
So either break up, or wrip thw bandage of but in a gentle way.
OP write everything you just said here in a letter to her.
She needs to be informed of your feelings as this is beginning to erode the relationship.
That she can’t/won’t discuss things in person is another issue – and a good sized one at that IMO.
You also need to get this off your chest of there’s a chance of moving forward.
I have used this (admittedly with varying degrees of success) with a few partners who were avoidant. This gives them a chance to read and re-read in a non-threatening/triggering environment on their own time.
Good luck.
Tough spot
I’d Say shes sensitive because she knows already and is frustrated about something to do with weight loss.
Biggest piece of advice is offer your help from a non-threatening standpoint ie make dinners, offer to go on a walk after dinner, pack her lunches for her, etc.
Maybe not having a direct conversation but helping create healthier habits would help
I had to go to hospital for surgery 18months ago. Generally we’re fairly healthy but my partners a little overweight and has family history of diabetes. While my gf was visiting I said something along the lines of “look at all the people here, we don’t want to end up here early. We need to take care of ourselves now so we can enjoy long loving lives together doing the things we want.” I think if you can come from a place of love it’s a good start.
Everyone in my ward was fat and/or smoked… all of them looked miserable… it hit deep. We’ve been home cooking meals ever since.
Not sure this helps really just sharing my experience. Maybe find some fat people and express how bad you feel for them and how both of you need to get on track
you have to just have the conversation,
even if it’s unlikely to really change anything,
if you don’t it will get bad quickly
You’re not wrong for feeling how you feel but attraction and weight are sensitive. Focus on health, shared goals, and how she feels in her body more than how she looks to you
I’ve been there before.
Unfortunately it is not your problem anymore, the ladies don’t like it when you tell them they are fat, so don’t tell her and just leave without giving a reason.
Make sure you set yourself up with some emotional support in case they play victim. If you tell her about her weight and then breakup with her, she will say thats the reason u dumped her and you will be cancelled socially for doing nothing wrong.
Leave the relationship when U r ready, take Ur time.
My question is, how does she feel about workout/ gym/running?
If that is a welcomed place or activity
I suggest you two start going there together no questions asked.
Like a Date. Gym/workout, Dinner/ Movie or some other fun activity like a ease into it.
“bribe/ reward” and it be something you can do together.
Some days it can be like nah, no gym today, we just have fun or go to park for walk.
Get a Doggo, walk it together?
So Like example approach:
Hey, wamen that make my thunder loins go baazingaa!
( or something funny or silly that fits your personality and way of being)
I plan to start the Gym, I want you, no I mean I need you there with me, sharp. Then find a Schedule/ days.
After we hit (a Favorite place for food or fun, movies, Carnival Rollercoaster, arcade)
Also did you have Ai format your text?
Write her a letter. When communicating a difficult message, it is best to use the sandwich technique (i.e., postive, negative, positive):
Explain you love her a lot and feel happy and secure in your relationship. If you want, you could/should list some other things you love about her.
Explain that on numerous occasions she has asked you to tell her if she starts to gain weight.
Explain she is gaining weight, and you are concerned for her health and joints. In a separate sentence, say you are also worried that your attraction to her will fade, and you do not want that to happen.
Explain you want to be sensitive to her feelings, but without neglecting your own.
Explain this is a difficult message for you to deliver but that you acknowledge a healthy relationship consists of two healthy individuals who can be honest with each other, and for the needs of both to be met.
Explain your hope is that you can meet in the middle and ‘sail’ over this problem together, and that you have every faith that you can.
The most you can do is this ^. Your duty is to be honest and, though that may feel uncomfortable, every woman would absolutely prefer that. It is, fundamentally, in her best interests anyway. And then you have to accept that you cannot control how she will feel neither is that your job.
When she asks why you’re calling her fat tell her she past fat a few burgers ago and is closing in on two axe handles across. If she brings up an affliction as the reason she’s porking up tell her she does have a condition, every time her elbow bends her mouth flies open. If she has trouble understanding this kind of love and hitting the treadmill and eating less then as a last resort sit down and watch The Taming of the Shrew(1967) and tell her how lucky she is to have you and point out how bad it could be. Truthfully all women should watch that movie twice a year. If you can’t bring yourself to tell her the hard truth just buy her a scooter and a pallet of flour from Costco and a back brace for yourself.
Time to just do it and deal with the fall out.
Find a good way to go about it- Listen we need to talk, I think we’ve been eating a bit unhealthy lately and I don’t wanna want to be a hundred pounds extra by next year.
I would love it if you did this with me, getting a bit healthier. If she asks then just say I love you, I’m still very much attracted to you but yes you’ve put on a few pounds, as have I. Let’s start slow and see if we can do this.
Some people are better with incentives other then the obvious, some people are better at having cheat days and still have access to fatty foods, some people need cold turkey.
In a year she’ll be heavier you’ll be miserable and it will just end to the same place. I feel the media loves to mix in appearance and feelings in a unfair way, if you love someone you should be attracted to them no matter what, not the case at all in my opinion.
Here’s what you do:
When you have to have a tough conversation with a woman, you have to prepare her.
Tell her, today, I need to have a conversation with you. It’s a tough conversation that is hard for me to talk to you about because I feel like when I bring up sensitive subjects – you break down or you shut me down. This will create a dynamic where I can’t come to you when something is bothering me and I don’t want that and I know you don’t either. Please, just prepare yourself and let me speak and just be as open as you can to hearing me.
Trust me, this will help. Catching emotional women off guard is not the way.
Then speak your heart. Be kind. Be respectful but still be true to yourself and be honest. Tell her you love her, you’re attracted to her, but if she continues down this path, that you’re concerned for her health and afraid you will possibly lose attraction based on the current trajectory she’s on.
Reassure her. Tell her you love her. You’ll support her but this is a genuine concern that you don’t want to be made to feel like a jerk for bringing up.
Signed an emotional woman who has always obsessed about my weight.
Based on your post, my impression is that the main issue is not the weight gain, rather the emotional manipulation: if you tell her, it’s your fault because you’re calling her fat and hurting her feelings, if you don’t it’s still your fault because she asked you to let her know (and I’m sure if you point out that she’s and adult and it’s not your job to control her weight, that would go down REALLY well).
I woke seriously reconsider a relationship which is based on these premises.
God…I just dealt with this. Craftful pictures. Dating a girl from online, she was on the fence when it comes to weight. Date number 1 went great. I was on the fence… I’ll do an average, curvy, a few extra pounds. So I did date number 2 trying to be open minded and I just couldn’t confirm. She’s borderline fat but says she exercises every day. I’m thinking no. She recognized this and said she wasn’t interested because there was no romantic connection. 😂 Well yeah I have to be physically attracted to you. Let her go.
Birds of the same feather fly together….no easy way to say it. Let her know before letting her down.
Just say, “babe I think you’ve put on 50 pounds since we been together. I’m gonna start cooking healthier food for us.”
Act like it’s your fault she has gained weight. And now you’re going to help her lose it. She’ll be hurt a bit but you can’t have a long relationship with someone that you can never have real conversations with.
I think you should leave her. Weight fluctuations throughout life are common for a lot of people and if you don’t love her in a bigger body then you should let her go.
She knows shes gained weight and she also knows how to make you feel like the bad guy when you bring it up. If shes not will8ng to go for a walk or slow down on the heavy meals then she doesn’t care what you say or think. It’s not gonna get better. Start separating yourself now.
I mean it really just depends on the context. Because as a female, it is extremely obvious that men have no idea how much a woman weighs based just on looks, and have no clue what healthy looks like on different bodies. The healthy range of weight is about a 30lbs difference (don’t quote me on that) and even that can cause someone to look drastically different yet still not be considered overweight or obese. If it’s an issue where you have a rock hard 6 pack and your lifestyles aren’t aligning correctly, not sure how to help there. But if you aren’t in the fittest shape of your life and working out multiple times a week, I’m not sure why some extra weight would be such an issue. My boyfriend was a stick when we started dating and I was about 20lbs overweight. Then about 2 years later he was 300lbs and I had jumped to the obese category as well. I’m back to the weight I was originally after 3.5 years together and we both are working on our bodies and motivating each other for OURSELVES and not to amend to each other’s physical attraction.
I would ask the women’s sub so you can get a better perspective.
Bro, this is a battle you will never win. What you can do is you yourself start working out. Then at some point she’s gonna wanna join in then y’all can work out together and… there you go.
Not a dude, sorry, but if you intend to stay with her, then you need to be able to have the tough conversation. Look up tips on how to break bad news to people.
Tell her you want to have a tough conversation. Sit down and start by reassuring her, you love her, you want to stay together, but you want to support her with something. Get her to acknowledge that she knows you have a good relationship.
Nezt, remind her that she has asked you to tell her if she has gained too much weight. Tell her yes, you are uncomfortable with the amount of weight she has gained. That’s the only thing you need to talk about weight. You don’t have to bring anything else up with it. But have answers prepared, because she is probably going to ask if you are still attracted to her, where does your relationship stand, would you leave her over this, are you being shallow, and a million other questions. It is okay for her to sit there and cry, this is super emotional for her. Let her feelings come out, but don’t let them derail the conversation. I would try to say your complete piece first: right now you are up to you love her, you want to stay in the relationship, and she has gained weight. So if you can, focus on facts:
She has to make this decision on her own. It’s her choice. Let her know you want to support her 110%, whatever she wants. You have ideas that could help, but don’t start throwing them out. Ask her if she is ready for change? If she needs to think about it, let her think about it. And reassure her again, that you love her and want to support her. You dont have any ambitions beyond working with her through this.
If she wants to know more about the fate of your relationship or how it impacts things, try to bring her back to actionable choices she can make, and that you want to support her. You aren’t giving her an ultimatum, you aren’t abandoning her, but you have come upon a problem you have both identified as a problem, and you want to see how you work through this. You’re not focusing on anything but supporting each other in your partnership and confronting this problem and you want to take it one step at a time with her.
If things don’t change, obviously that’s another conversation down the road. But right now, you just want to face the problem together and support each other towards a common goal.
If you feel you can’t lead her through a positive conversation, then do this in front of a therapist, and have them lined up to work with her afterwards.
Good luck.
She already knows. Don’t say anything. Probably should leave because communication is part of the literal foundation of a relationship. You don’t have that. Find someone emotionally mature who takes care of themselves.
If there’s no kidlets mate then find another path. You’re incompatible. Don’t force it.
You don’t have to tell her She knows.
Like most of these folks are saying, she’s aware. And she’s likely well aware that it’s effecting your attraction to her, that’s why she’s sensitive when you broach the topic.
The full length and breadth of it is whether you would be happy in a relationship with her at her current (or likely Larger) size, or not. If the answer is no, you either break up with her, or have a conversation that boils down to “if you don’t lose weight I’ll leave”. You’ll clearly want to soften the approach, but that’s what the conversation is. Not calling you an AH for feeling how you feel, it’s just what it is. You’re attracted to what you’re attracted to, and it isn’t doing either of you a service to stay if you aren’t happy.
What’s gonna drive you crazy is that I promise she’ll get in great shape after you break up With her lol.
Hey rmb you told me to tell you honestly when you gained too much weight? this is the time that i should tell you, and only because I don’t want this issus to influence our relationship, because what we have is amazing, but I also know im more attracted to your old body when we started to date. Shall we go work out together? So you don’t feel like you are doing all the effort to just please me, i will spend time and effort througg the process too. Or is there any other thing i can do? Like cooking you delicious protein meal after you work out?
Weird way to off yourself
Yeah… You’re gonna get nowhere with her regardless of the weight issue if she’s breaking down and attacking you and going on the defensive whenever you try to talk shit out.
You can’t get anywhere with people that shut down like that, they often have a plethora of other issues that stem from things like the weight issue, that’s just a symptom of bigger problems she has and you’re not obligated to baby her until she’s ready to confront her problems.
You’re not her father bro, if she doesn’t want to change or make an attempt, you’re in no obligation to fix her life for her.
Either you set a line in the sand and have boundaries about her behavior and her uncompromising to the balance of the relationship orrrrrr you walk. It’s as simple as that, your sanity and dignity isn’t worth less than trying to fix people that aren’t willing to meet you halfway.
Yes it sounds cruel because of her weight issue but she’s got crippling insecurities that you’re just going to enable in her and make her even more desperate and clingy towards you until years down the line you’re practically baby sitting in your relationship, which is what happens often in these situations of people struggling with obesity.
I dated a girl like this for a long time. I loved her with all of my heart and would have done anything for her, but I can also acknowledge how much energy I spent trying not to hurt her feelings, even about much smaller stuff than what you’ve explained about your situation. A large majority of mine had absolutely nothing to do with her looks or physicality at all.
Regardless, afterwards I was left feeling like I gave a tiny bit of myself up over and over again by keeping these tiny things bottled up, but over time those things start to add up.
In the end, still love the girl, but I also have to acknowledge it wasn’t healthy for me, nor her.
Take that how you will.
If she asked you to tell her when she is gaining weight respect that wish and tell her.
Sure she’ll cry a bit but she’ll get over it and will decide what to do from her.
Communication is an important skill to have and if you are scared to talk to her about things that bother you the relationship won’t last.
An issue you didn’t talk about doesn’t exist because she can’t know its an issue.
you’ve got to sit her down and just tell her, don’t hint at it or she’ll think you’re just making jabs at her weight. you need to tell her it’s bothering you and that you still love her and are willing to help her but it’s affecting your level of attraction. it will be hard for her to hear but at least she will know that you are being serious, not mean. what she does next is up to her, and you can base your decision on that.
You don’t talk to her about gaining weight. She knows it. Talk about what’s going on.
I know you’re asking men, but maybe a woman’s perspective is of use here? There’s a whole lot of missing info here. Do you live together? How old are both? What do you know about her levels of self esteem and history of weight and health management? I’m making some assumptions in the below.
She knows she’s gaining weight. She’s not happy about it which is why she’s touchy about it. So telling her something she already knows is not going to cover you in glory. Indexing your attraction to her to her weight is a recipe for a shame spiral that could well lead to more weight gain.
I know a lot of men control weight gain through exercise and that’s helpful for women too, but a better diet is often the real cornerstone. Don’t try and control her or what she eats. Many of us have had mothers who did that and it’s how women get eating disorders and low self esteem.
I think you should step back and look at what is going on in your girlfriend’s life that is contributing to her weight gain.
Some women gain weight when they’re content and comfortable in themselves. I don’t think that’s the likely scenario here given that she’s sensitive about everything.
A lot of women gain weight when they’re unhappy. That plays out when she’s too busy and stressed out to make good choices or take the time to take care of herself. Is her job stressful? Is she doing too much?
Assuming you live together, I think the best thing you can do for her is free up some of her mental and emotional capacity on your home front to help lower her stress. Whatever proportion of the life admin you are currently doing, step it way up. Be ahead of the curve – if she asks “Have you taken our the trash?” you’ve already done it. Is she planning to vacuum and mop the floors after she’s been to the store? She gets home and you’ve already done it. Don’t try and take over tasks she enjoys, go for the ones that are a drag. Don’t wait to be asked, anticipate and do. If she says anything about it, downplay it.
How well does she sleep? How long does she sleep? Tiredness leads to food cravings because of low energy and this is really a common issue for women. Do you snore? Do you stay up late? Do you disturb her sleep any way? Ask her. Stop doing them. Adjust your routine to create the conditions to improve her sleep quality and quantity.
Sometimes weight gain is hormonal or health condition related. That’s a trip to the doctor. Sometimes is an accumulation of bad habits. Only she can deal with that.
Sometimes, saying you love someone isn’t enough. Show her; not with sex. If you can free up some headspace for her and make her really secure in the relationship maybe she’ll be able to tell you what’s up with her.
I never understand people that give advice or have relationships where you cannot say anything, what’s the point then?
Just be straightforward and that’s it, keeping in secrets and feelings only hurts the long way
You don’t have to tell her how much she weighs she already knows and she also knows that you don’t like it so she’s not the person for you and you aren’t able to take any physical changes. Then I suggest finding a different girlfriend.
>At the same time, she tells me, “Let me know if I ever start gaining too much weight,” but when I try to hint at it gently, she gets upset or shuts down.
Because she’s setting you up to be the bad guy when you eventually break up with her because of her weight gain.
Love all the women of “askmen” telling you to just ignore it, anything to avoid accountability.
I had to do this last week. I tried to tell her I cared for her, but was losing attraction. I was met with “I’m not that fat, if you liked me you wouldn’t care, you’re an asshole, heaps of guys wanna fuck me im hot still, my friends tell me I’m not fat”, this was after a few months of her complaining about getting fat. There’s really not a lot that’s gonna fix this, it boils down to whether she thinks it’s important that her partner is attracted to her (she probably won’t care) or if she’s an entitled redditor type of woman like in this thread. The only way I’d see it maybe going better for you than it did for me is if you fully embraced the health aspect of it, frame it like you wanna have a long as fuck life together and that means cleaning the fuck out of your diets. This will only work if you live together though. If you don’t then you’re basically fucked as she already has shown she has the self discipline of a child.
Even though it’s probs gonna end in a breakup she really needs to understand that her gluttony is what cost the relationship, that way she can decide to self improve or find a fat fetishist next time. Like seriously it’s not hard to not get fat and everyone knows fat is typically unappealing to all.
Everything physical is so fleeting. She knows she is gaining weight. If the weight gain is a deal breaker then you may need to identify your priorities in a relationship and why. If you can’t look past those things now then years down the line may become challenging if there isn’t more depth to the attraction and connection.