I, 19M and my girlfriend, 19F, are college students both living at home with our families. Hers is a really laid back “do what you want legally” family while mine is a completely uptight “family is first no matter what” religious type of family.
I’ve always gone along with them, no hassle or fuss but recently I’ve been growing away (or trying to) from them, trying to get closer with my girlfriends family but unable to cause they want to keep their “baby boy” safe. (Youngest of 3 boys). I’ve also been raised religious but have also stopped believing in it due to circumstances and my own beliefs changing to not fit theirs or the religion I was born and raised. Apparently to them, that’s a sin and a mistake, and they’ve forced me to go to church with them every Sunday given it’s “house rules”. (Gag).
Present day. So I was at work and the family group chat I have got a text from my mother saying they had a vacation idea to go hiking in Arizona during the week following Christmas. (I like hiking and all but it isn’t really my idea of hiking given I’ve been to this place on a school trip). All of my family jumped on the bandwagon except for me cause I was at work and unsure that I could actually get that time off. For context about this, I recently got hired at this job in late June and I don’t know if I have enough PTO for that time off. I also preferred to go to Christmas parties that my girlfriend and her extended family are hosting. My own immediate family also haven’t treated me the best and I don’t fully feel comfortable around them.
I talked to my mother about this privately and I went up with a calm mindset, telling her my reasons of not going. Well that didn’t really bode well and it turned into an argument resulting in her being upset and me leaving to go hang out with my girlfriend again, not really resulting in a solution. I was also guilt tripped into going with them to things in the past.
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I, 19M and my girlfriend, 19F, are college students both living at home with our families. Hers is a really laid back “do what you want legally” family while mine is a completely uptight “family is first no matter what” religious type of family.
I’ve always gone along with them, no hassle or fuss but recently I’ve been growing away (or trying to) from them, trying to get closer with my girlfriends family but unable to cause they want to keep their “baby boy” safe. (Youngest of 3 boys). I’ve also been raised religious but have also stopped believing in it due to circumstances and my own beliefs changing to not fit theirs or the religion I was born and raised. Apparently to them, that’s a sin and a mistake, and they’ve forced me to go to church with them every Sunday given it’s “house rules”. (Gag).
Present day. So I was at work and the family group chat I have got a text from my mother saying they had a vacation idea to go hiking in Arizona during the week following Christmas. (I like hiking and all but it isn’t really my idea of hiking given I’ve been to this place on a school trip). All of my family jumped on the bandwagon except for me cause I was at work and unsure that I could actually get that time off. For context about this, I recently got hired at this job in late June and I don’t know if I have enough PTO for that time off. I also preferred to go to Christmas parties that my girlfriend and her extended family are hosting. My own immediate family also haven’t treated me the best and I don’t fully feel comfortable around them.
I talked to my mother about this privately and I went up with a calm mindset, telling her my reasons of not going. Well that didn’t really bode well and it turned into an argument resulting in her being upset and me leaving to go hang out with my girlfriend again, not really resulting in a solution.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> The big reason that I feel like I might be the asshole is I feel bad for declining cause I like my brother and my now sister in law, but I also don’t feel like I have a voice to my family at all and I’m just supposed to go along with whatever they say cause they’re “family”
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA No is a complete sentence. Thank them for the offer and decline. You are NTA for not wanting to go and they are NTA for inviting you. Making you feel guilty about your choice is pretty crappy though.
NTA, your mother sounds toxic, she only cares about her own feelings and not yours. Move in with your girlfriend’s family for your own peace.
NTA. I would tell them I couldn’t get the time off.
NTA even if you earn pto by then (doubtful) the likelihood of a newer hire getting of around the holidays is slim to move. That time usually goes to the senior employees who put in for it.
NTA
Mine tried guilt tripping, didn’t work. It actually had the opposite effect.
Once I started college at 17 (paid for by me), I stopped visiting altogether.
Guilt tripping doesn’t work when you have nothing to feel guilty about. i
NTA. It’s completely reasonable not to go on the family trip. You’re an adult (not a toddler they can’t trust to stay home alone), and you have school and work to worry about.
I think you know this, but your best course of action is to move out of your parents’ house as soon as possible. Take your new job seriously and stay on the boss’s good side. That income will enable to you get out sooner and start living life on your own terms. Save up as much as you can, and don’t let your family pressure you into caving to their expectations outside the bounds of the “house rules” that you’re unfortunately stuck with for now. Keep an ear to the ground for friends who are looking for roommates, or openings coming available in shared housing situations that might be affordable for you. Do your best to keep your head down around your family until you’re able to make your own way.
Good luck!
Nta, you’re 19 trying to live your own life, and they’re still trying to control you like you’re 12. But i understand them that they want to protect you from danger and for them you are still their baby. It’s not selfish to want space or spend the holidays somewhere you feel respected. They’re just mad they can’t guilt you into it this time
It’s time top break free from the cultish stuff and get that freedom on!
Just say you have no PTO.
NTA- I plan on working because I’m a broke college student
NTA. You’re old enough to make your own decisions. You do you.
NTA, but if you don’t want to follow her family rules, you should consider moving out of her house.
NTA. Sorry mumsy, I can’t get the time off work. I’ve used that excuse numerous times over a 40yr working life. I even used to volunteer for overtime just to get out of certain family events.
NTAH.
IT sounds like your parents are not aware that you are not a child any longer, and that you are allowed to be an individual. Strict religion drops the ball when it comes to free will.
So definitely NTAH, but you might be stuck in a ‘my house/my rules’ situation.
Unfortunately as long as you live under their roof they are going to treat you like a child they are entitled to tell what to do.
They will probably still try after you move out, but without any leverage other than guilt.
Here’s the thing though. You are legally an adult who can make his own decisions. If you are afraid they will kick you out, but can’t afford to live on your own, you have no choice but to do what they want or try to find someone else to live with. If they are paying for your education, this gives them leverage.
As long as you are beholden to them in some way they will use that to treat you like a child who has no choice but obey them.
The sooner you can get out from beneath their thumb, the better. NTA
NAH. Mom and Dad are free to invite their (young) adult children to go on a hiking trip with them, and the adult children are free to accept or decline. “No, thank you; I have to work” is a complete answer.
NTA. Normal parents, and I stress the word “normal” here, like to think of their family as a unit that will never change regardless of how old their children get.
However, people grow up, get into relationships, and branch out. This eans that sacrifices have to be made.
If your parents want you to form meaningful relationships in life, that means that you will have, at some point, found a mate. That mate, theoretically, will also have a family.
It is perfectly normal to find that your children are going to be needing to spend portions of holidays, if not entire holidays, with that mate’s family instead of their own.
Your parents have this vision of having all of their children in one place at the same time. Sadly, the older their children get, the less likely this is going to happen.
Frankly, at 19, they’re lucky you’re there at all.
No is a full sentence. Don’t give excuses, don’t explain, just tell them that you are not available. They don’t need to know how much PTO you have, because then they will argue that you shouldn’t be taking it for anything else. You took it because you were sick? What was wrong with you? Why couldn’t you tough it out? Why isn’t this more important?
You don’t have a win with that argument. If you just tell them no, and they don’t have that ammunition.
This is an invaluable life lesson that, quite frankly, I wish I had learned a long time ago.
Between you and me, it does not sound like it would be a particularly pleasant vacation. I don’t know of any job that provides enough PTO that makes it worth spending that much time with people who aren’t that happy with your lifestyle.
Tell them no, thank them for the invitation, tell them to have a lovely time, and that you can’t wait to see the pictures.
Go and spend Christmas with your girlfriend’s family.
You are maturing into an independent adult and that does not bode well in religious families. Ask me how I know 😂😂
Mommy doesn’t want you to grow up. It’s going to keep being an issue until you move out and she lets go.
In the meantime you explained why and stick to it. You’re allowed boundaries and your own life.
Don’t want to follow your parents’ rules, move out and fund you own life.
Until then, try to reason with them.
NTA. Aside from the fact that you can say no for any reason, it would be unprofessional to ask for time off this close to your June start date.
Let me guess… Mormon?
NTA. At 19 you should have freedom to make decisions like this on your own.
NTA, don’t get the time off, and have a relaxing working break hanging out with GF family.
NTA, but while you remain dependent on your family, your hands may be somewhat tied.
Given your family’s views I would focus excusing yourself from the trip more on meeting your responsibilities at work, including that as a new hire you are unable to get leave over this highly sought after period.
Perhaps don’t mention that you want to go to Christmas parties with your girlfriend. They’ve shown that’s not likely to be a super safe topic of conversation.
In the longer term, focus on building your independence so that you can move out of home. When you are no longer dependent on your family, you will not need to compromise your values in return for their support. I don’t recommend shifting your dependence from your family to your girlfriend’s family. Instead, focus on being a self-sufficient adult.
Time for baby boy to fly the nest he no longer fits in, by choice ! It’s the next natural order of building your own life which leads into you building your own branch of the family tree in your own way. Which you cannot do while being parented as an adult! Legally your are free to do so . You have to be willing to fend for yourself but that’s what you’re supposed to do. Your family is your launch pad now goooo & start adjusting to work on an adult relationship with your parents. Doesn’t happen over night but it only starts when you start it.
As for family vacays … those pause as you build your own future. It’s fun to have them when you have your family to take along but not fun as an adult trying new things & figuring out what works for you while enjoying your relationship with your gf & her family.
Now flyyyyyy