My boyfriend’s sister (19F) is visiting us for three weeks with her dad. I haven’t seen her in around 2 years, and I’ve never lived with her before. She arrived just over a week ago and will be staying for another two weeks. I like her and want her to feel welcome, but I’m really struggling with how uncomfortable I’m feeling because of her hygiene.
She’s only showered once since she arrived. I noticed she wasn’t showering quite early on, I noticed the towels I gave her and the bathmat were still folded and untouched, also no products were in the shower. After about 5 days she asks me, in front of bf and dad, how to work the shower. They then realised what I already knew, they both seemed a bit shocked, but didn’t say anything and that was the end of it.
She sleeps in her makeup and wakes up and puts more on top of it, making her look quite unclean. She hasn’t washed her hair, and her room is already messy and has a bit of a smell. She also blocked our toilet and didn’t tell us! She just kept using it. My boyfriend only realised because of the smell and ended up cleaning it for her. I know it can happen to anyone, and that in itself doesn’t make her a bad person, but it really annoys me she just left it and didn’t say anything to us!
I’ll admit, I’m very particular when it comes to mess, even my own. Sometimes I get uncomfortable in a friend’s house if I can see it’s not clean to my standards. I like to have a clean house, so having someone stay in our home who doesn’t share that basic hygiene standard is driving me kind of insane.
I don’t want to be cold or rude. I do like her, and I understand she’s on holiday and probably just doesn’t see the issue the same way I do. But I’ve noticed myself getting pretty blunt with her, and being short in my conversations with her, I think purely because I’m a bit grossed out (I know how horrible that sounds but it’s the truth). I doubt she even washes her hands if she showers this little.
My bf is clean and says she’s always been quite messy growing up, but I didn’t expect it to be this extreme. My bf doesn’t seem to see it as that big of an issue, I think he isn’t seeing it as bad as it is because this is almost normal for him.
My bf hasn’t seen her in 2 years either, so I think he feels he can’t say anything to her. Should I ask him to say something? Or do you have any other advice on what I can do to help this situation. I’m already scared for having to clean her room when she leaves. Do I just ride it out until she leaves in two weeks? Please help me so I can keep my sanity.
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“Do I just ride it out until she leaves in two weeks?”
Yes.
It’s literally your house, tell her that she’s welcome to stay AS LONG AS she showers etc doesn’t block the toilet or at least learns how to do it
I bet you on my life she has no idea how this stuff works & since her whole life she’s been messy but hasn’t died, nobody told her off = this is fine
Before she gets defensive explain the what will literally happen if she keeps doing her life like this
The smell won’t help her get a job, bacteria builds up, & the makeup issue will destroy her skin/make her age horribly no?
Also letting the toilet stay backed up = her leavings will eventually overflow & does that truly not bother her if it falls out of the top??
If she doesn’t wanna plunge at least teach her to get a cup of very hot water & pour it from a good height to help break up the bricks to help flush Jesus Christ
Tell her she can do this in her own house someday but just not at yours
People are not always able to understand that they are not the cleanest person either. We are all human and if we don’t show or practice hygiene we will develop a smell. It doesn’t take much one good sweat is all it takes ten minutes out the shower and you can smell the difference. Most people are immune to their own smell but strong sense of others. I am not one to judge but I have been told by multiple people that I have a good natural scent. But I have definitely been mursty swamp cat and had body odor either from sweat or skipping a shower or two we all have idgaf what you say. But the truth is I have been told I stink or have bad hygiene by people who obviously didn’t smell themselves I mean it was just mind blowing he had anti fungal everything left bloody and dirty stuff everywhere undies and dirty shower hair and stuff I don’t even want to remember never flushing after 1 or 2 I won’t say anything else he might be reading this but he had body odor mid Region odor and complications wouldn’t shave and had a bunch of gross habits but would only point out me when I had a moment but I kept quiet about all the things I was grossed out about until I had enough and then he left and tried to make me out as gross too his new thing and friends but I don’t want to be petty and show all that I have seen over time and I have the receipts but we are all human and he was a little clueless about the hygiene stuff that he was very gross about we all can get funky really quick but all of you are not the cleanest person walking around lol I know that is a fact
Does she not know how to do these things? Does she have a mental health issue? Your husband needs to teach her how to unclog a toilet, first, and maybe you can get some makeup wipes as a gift for her to try? And husband can also tease his sister just enough—like “wow sis time to take a shower!” —and you can check in with her every couple of days—“do you need a fresh towel for showering? I’d hate you to be using one that’s not clean and dry!”
Otherwise brother can have a serious talk with her but … fewer hurt feelings if you are more subtle about it.
Give her a gift basket including personal hygiene products. Some things like exfoliating gloves, soaps, lotions and a robe maybe. Have a spa day at home or away. Some women may avoid showering because of trauma or abuse so it would be good to understand why she is avoiding showering.
Is it because someone hasn’t taught her to take care of herself or because the expectations of self care and hygiene are too low? Or some other reason entirely?
Also, does she have a mother in her life? Is it just her dad? If so, maybe you need to have a conversation with him about how the situation can best be handled. It’s not as if ignoring it helps the daughter at all. Maybe your bf can help if they’re close as well.
These comments are insane. Just ignore it. She’s only there for a couple more weeks, it’s not like you have to live with her. It would be rude to say anything to her and she’s your guest.
Is she ok? I mean, genuinely? This sounds a lot like depression. Of course, she could just be that way, but I’d be checking in on her mental health. I like the idea someone mentioned above about having a spa day and buying a personal hygiene gift basket. I feel like that’s the kindest, gentlest way to go about it right now.