I 28 male, we’ll call me Jake am married to 31 female, who we’ll call Alexis. We have a great life together and even have a beautiful baby girl on the way.
Alexis has a father who is a drug addict and alcoholic who came back into her life when she turned 19 after dipping out when she was a baby, and thinking everything would be fine. She told me she has tried multiple times to cut things off with him but in the end feels super guilty and tries to fix things with him. He’s the only parent she has left because her mom passed in 2019. And now that she’s pregnant, she says her hormones make it worse because she wants our child to know all of her grandparents. (Her dad included.) I understood at first & we have made several attempts to come around him and have a relationship with him.
But things started to go sideways especially here lately. He will call us all hours of the night drunk and high begging us to come over or take him to a bar or even more- money. We came to visit him a few times and gave him 10 dollars once, (which I feel like maybe we shouldn’t have.) and even have taken him out to eat. But I feel like that made it worse & quite frankly I think he’s taking advantage of Alexis’s feelings and hormones because he knows when I work and he will call when I’m at work guilt tripping her saying how he has no money or food etc. (and usually if I’m around he won’t try to pull that.) she feels guilty and wants to help but I’ve tried to explain to her the more we help him the more he’s gonna want to take advantage of us more.
Here’s where it got worse. We recently bought a new car and put money down for a vacation (we caught up on all our bills and had some money left over from my work bonuses.) well word had gotten out to her dad and he called us Saturday night asking for a hundred dollars. He swears he would pay it back and even give us extra for waiting, but we politely told him no, the extra money we had we were saving for the baby & our vacation and that the spending money we used was for groceries and where we had just got a car. (Not that I have to explain myself where the money I work hard for goes too, but I did it to shut him up.) Well because someone let it slip up he started to yell and say “well you bought a new car and you’re going on vacation you can spare me 100 dollars it’s not going to kill you. Alexis how could you do that to your own dad?”
My wife was in tears and felt extremely guilty. I told her to just hang up the phone and ignore him. Block his number if she has too. She said she would feel awful though if something happened to him and she didn’t know about it, but I’ve tried to explain to her how toxic he really is.
I just want what’s best for our family and for my wife. I know she loves him but deep down, I really wish she would just cut off all communication. Especially the late night calls and begging for things.
So AITA?
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I 28 male, we’ll call me Jake am married to 31 female, who we’ll call Alexis. We have a great life together and even have a beautiful baby girl on the way.
Alexis has a father who is a drug addict and alcoholic who came back into her life when she turned 19 after dipping out when she was a baby, and thinking everything would be fine. She told me she has tried multiple times to cut things off with him but in the end feels super guilty and tries to fix things with him. He’s the only parent she has left because her mom passed in 2019. And now that she’s pregnant, she says her hormones make it worse because she wants our child to know all of her grandparents. (Her dad included.) I understood at first & we have made several attempts to come around him and have a relationship with him.
But things started to go sideways especially here lately. He will call us all hours of the night drunk and high begging us to come over or take him to a bar or even more- money. We came to visit him a few times and gave him 10 dollars once, (which I feel like maybe we shouldn’t have.) and even have taken him out to eat. But I feel like that made it worse & quite frankly I think he’s taking advantage of Alexis’s feelings and hormones because he knows when I work and he will call when I’m at work guilt tripping her saying how he has no money or food etc. (and usually if I’m around he won’t try to pull that.) she feels guilty and wants to help but I’ve tried to explain to her the more we help him the more he’s gonna want to take advantage of us more.
Here’s where it got worse. We recently bought a new car and put money down for a vacation (we caught up on all our bills and had some money left over from my work bonuses.) well word had gotten out to her dad and he called us Saturday night asking for a hundred dollars. He swears he would pay it back and even give us extra for waiting, but we politely told him no, the extra money we had we were saving for the baby & our vacation and that the spending money we used was for groceries and where we had just got a car. (Not that I have to explain myself where the money I work hard for goes too, but I did it to shut him up.) Well because someone let it slip up he started to yell and say “well you bought a new car and you’re going on vacation you can spare me 100 dollars it’s not going to kill you. Alexis how could you do that to your own dad?”
My wife was in tears and felt extremely guilty. I told her to just hang up the phone and ignore him. Block his number if she has too. She said she would feel awful though if something happened to him and she didn’t know about it, but I’ve tried to explain to her how toxic he really is.
I just want what’s best for our family and for my wife. I know she loves him but deep down, I really wish she would just cut off all communication. Especially the late night calls and begging for things.
So AITA?
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA. She needs to talk to a therapist to help her through this
NTA, but I do think a calm conversation is necessary. Maybe try low contact first, see if a little more distance might help your wife feel a bit more stable. I agree that he is toxic, especially demanding money from his pregnant and hormonale daughter when youre not around, seems he only wants the money, not the emotional connection. If your wife is scared something happens to him, maybe your phone number could be his emergency contact? Then she can block him but you can act as a potential filter, with her consent
Good luck with the baby!
No. Definitely NTA.
He’s sick and is taking advantage of her.
For her and your family’s sake, she needs to cut him off. Or send him to rehab.
NTA by far.
My ex wife was in a similar situation when we were married with her mother. Wife and I had about 1500 in our savings. MIL gave my wife the sob story about needing to get a car so she could get a job to get her life back together, she was clean now and off drugs, yada yada. Wife sent MIL $1500 without telling me, just drained the savings and sent the cash. MIL put all $1500 up her nose then got arrested when the money ran out and she decided to start a new career as a prostitute.
There were multiple reasons my ex and I got divorced, but this was definitely a contributing factor.
NTA
Maybe try to encourage your wife to get into therapy. You are not only trying to protect your wife, but your unborn child aswell. Do you seriously want to have such man as a grandparent figure to her?
>we’ll call me Jake
Lol what for?
My dude, your wife is pregnant, not incapacitated. Hormones don’t make you dumb. She has a decision to make, you can’t make that for her. But you need very strong boundaries, otherwise you’ll be dealing with this nonsense when your newborn is here too.
NTA. But you really can’t make her do anything.
I understand your feelings and your conclusion is probably correct, but your way to it clashes with your wife. Here’s why:
You don’t have a bond with this man, and don’t feel the guilt and empathy she feels. Telling her facts isn’t taking that away. You need to sit together and write down boundaries, things you would like from a father, and a more realistic list of what you think he might be able to do.
Yes, this might be an too optimistic list. But your wife really wants to give him a chance, so write it down and write a list of things of boundaries. Write this from an I/we perspective: I don’t want calls after 9pm, we won’t give you money, we won’t tolerate begging etc.Do you want him to hold your baby once the child is there, even if he might not be sober? And decide together, what are the consequences when he crosses them. Most effective are probably a fixed time of low- or no contact, and stripping privileges.
Also decide on which ways you want to support him, if he needs that. Will you drive him to AA meetings, pressure him into support, sign him up for programs?
Lastly, decide what you do want to do together. You might want to take him out for lunch once every week or every month, in a neutral environment. Addiction is a disease, not a choice, and connection is a cure for it. At the same time, some people are just too lost and don’t want to be helped or won’t improve.
Try to show your wife compassion, and at the same time keep track of the facts as a support beam for why you make choices, not a dossier to toss at her.
NAH.
NTA for wanting your wife to cut off her father, but you asking her to do it is a big mistake.
Those feelings that are bothering her about family aren’t going to just go away, and if she cuts him off only because you are asking her to, those feelings are just going to turn into resentment towards you.
You need to get her to work through those feelings (probably through counseling) and understand that even though she may feel she can handle his toxicity that isn’t something she should want for her children.
This will only work if it is HER decision to cut him off.
He’s taking advantage of her and you.. your baby comes first and her health while pregnant comes first…
NTA but your wife absolutely needs to see a professional to work through the grief and guilt and allow her to let go.
Do you want a user (of people or substances) around your incoming baby? Does she really want her child to know this man on a serious level? Her dad isn’t here for a relationship with either her or his grandchild beyond what he can get from you. And that is awful, especially when she’s craving that parental connection she lost. But she won’t get that from him and giving to a user like this won’t create a deeper relationship. If he manages to find a different person to use, he will be gone until he loses that and comes back.
Having a drunk as a father you grow up craving a relationship with your dad even the slightest bit of attention from him is amazing, as a kid i never really cared much about him always being in the pub as he was there when i went to bed and went to sleep. When i got older I realised I never had a relationship with him other than a few memories then he never had a relationship with my kids who now as adults haven’t had contact with him in probably about 10 yrs or more he lives probably 10miles away and drives he never visited after 2002 i think was the last time so all the running came from me and my sister but we now understand if we want a relationship with him it’s on us. His dad was vile to him beat him constantly but not the others as a kid and adulthood my dad beat him back after he held knives to him etc so he drinks to forget and never had a father figure as such as his old man was a drunk too. My dad has poor health now and lives with a wife who hates me and my sister so i see him once a year handing him his xmas present on his door step. It’s the best we are going to get but we take it as it is better than nothing.
Your wife is hanging on to a dream of a father that she never had with is made far worse by her losing her mother. I really feel for her, maybe instead of cutting him off silence your phones so he can’t disturb you at night when he’s a drunken mess.
Alcoholics/drug addicts are manipulative SOBs. Your father in law is one to the max. Your wife needs counselling, you need more understanding and empathy, as she seems to be co-dependent, there is a book called “The Adult Child of an Alcoholic”, it’s an eye opener. Read it.
I cut my alcoholic father out of my life (thus children too). I did not speak a word to him for 20 years, he died alone in a VA nursing home in 2018. I have zero regrets, he was toxic and I need to protect my girls, and me.
I recommend she attend Al-Anon and/or Adult Children of Alcoholics. And therapy. Not a therapist here but from experience, she may be living in a fantasy that she can be the one to “save” him and have the relationship she has always fantasized about.
He “loves” alcohol more than he loves or cares for her. She is a means to an end. This is an extremely painful realization that will be tough to handle. And addicts are master manipulators to get what they want. I had someone in my life that could look people in the eye and tell blatant bold face lies with complete conviction. Finally figured out how to tell when they were lying. Their lips were moving.
NTA but seek out alanon and suggest to your wife you both attend a meeting. I think there are meetings online. It’s for families of alcoholics. It might be an eye opener to your wife.