Hi everyone. I’d really appreciate some outside perspectives because I feel hurt but also worried I’m being unfair and immature.
It was my birthday this weekend. I live with my partner and we’ve been together for 3 years. He has a young daughter who stays with us every weekend. I often help care for her when she’s here.
Here’s what happened:
He asked what he should cook for me for my birthday. He usually gets quite stressed while cooking and with the UK heatwave, I felt it would be nicer to go out. So I asked that on my birthday (Sunday) we go out for a meal just the two of us once his daughter was back at her mum’s.
Saturday he worked on his laptop all day. That evening, the three of us went out to dinner together. While I enjoyed being with them, I’d hoped for time alone with my partner to celebrate in a more personal way. We never have time alone, so that would have felt special. We regularly go out to meals with his daughter, so this wasn’t different from usual.
On Sunday, my actual birthday, he slept pretty much the whole day. His daughter was quite energetic and I took care of her on my own for most of it. This is typical, she often asks for me because I’m more present/awake with her (I think). He didn’t plan anything special. No special breakfast or lunch. No gift, cake, or card.
Just before he left to take his daughter to her mums, he asked if I wanted to come along, but it was very rushed, with only about five minutes before their train, so I said no and told him I’d watch a film at home. He’s also previously asked me to wait around the corner so that I’m not at his exes doorstep, which I don’t enjoy the feeling of.
He didn’t come back until 10:45 pm. I’d waited to eat because I thought we’d eat together; earlier in the day he’d said he’d be quick. We didn’t eat together. He got mad that there was nothing ready, went out to get food for himself, and we barely spoke before he fell asleep.
When I tried to talk about feeling hurt this morning, he got annoyed and defensive. He told me he’s extremely busy with work, that I don’t understand how little time he has, that I wouldn’t last a month in his shoes, and that I sit around “thinking shit about him” because I have more free time. He feels I don’t appreciate how hard he works and that I should understand the pressure he’s under.
From my perspective, while he works a lot, I don’t benefit from it in any clear way. We split rent 50/50. He gets weird if I use his card for shared groceries, so I usually just buy them to avoid drama. We never go out alone together. I feel like he doesn’t make time for me or make me feel important, even on my birthday. When it was his birthday he made a big fuss about how there should be balloons as his daughter thinks all birthdays need them. So I get them, every year we’ve been together. Along with gifts, a card, a cake and a nice dinner.
When I brought up wanting dinner alone with him, he made me feel guilty by saying, “How could I leave my daughter out?” That made me feel selfish for even wanting that. As a side note, I’m not included in her birthdays even though I look after her every weekend and she wants me there.
It also isn’t the first time something like this has happened. Last year on my birthday, we had split up for a few days after a fight. He said he might come over in the evening but ended up falling asleep and didn’t even call or text on the day. The next day he offered to come over but I was hurt and didn’t reply, and he got angry that I didn’t answer.
I feel used and unappreciated. But he seems to think I’m ungrateful and too demanding.
I don’t want to be unfair. I know he’s under a lot of stress and responsible for his child and work. I know he’s tired. He did take us out for dinner and pay. But I don’t know if wanting some effort on my birthday is really unreasonable or if I’m expecting too much.
Is it selfish to want my partner to make me feel special on my birthday? Is it bad to want one meal alone with him? Or am I valid in feeling hurt?
I’d really appreciate some honest outside perspectives.
Thank you for reading.
Comments
Does the baby’s mom know you exist? Why do you have to stay around the corner? Why aren’t you invited to birthdays? After 3 years and taking care of her every weekend, this seems odd.
And your bf needs to step up with his daughter. He’s treating you like a babysitter for his daughter.
Now, all that said, you are in a relationship with a man who has a child. He has her every weekend. That will always come first, and should. With the exception of things like illness and emergencies, that schedule will stay the same. (I mean this in reference to Saturday wanting alone time, for clarity.)
How old is his daughter?
edited for clarity
Wow He did not give a damn that it was your birthday, to me that says he does not give a damn about you.
You are being taken advantage of. He uses you for childcare so he can relax and ignores your needs. You deserve a partner who cares for you.
Be for real, there are so many problems here besides the birthday issue:
And that’s just the things you’ve mentioned in this post alone. This man is totally taking advantage of you, your money and your labor. He’s treating you like his stay-at-home wife while not providing for you in any way. And on top of that hes a jerk that doesn’t even put effort in in your birthday… It’s beyond time that you pack up and leave him imo.
tldr; sounds like he forgot or didn’t really care enough to remember. loser
First of all: it’s not selfish to feel special on your birthday and to have it celebrate properly. The way your partner handled your birthday is not ok, he didn’t made any effort of it. He should have made effort to it just to show appreciation to you for what you do for him, household and his daughter.
A reason for this could be his work like you said, that something you both have to deal with and what you both think is fair in general (spending time together and with his daughter).
advice: find time off for the two of you and go out for dinner. Then talk about how you feel but don’t make it about the birthday itself. Making it about that you see he works hard and you understand he is tired, but you almost want time and appreciating. Ask him how he thinks he can handle al this (work, kid, you, …)
Good luck!
He’s using you. You pay half the bills (if not more), nanny his child, run the home, AND put up with his shit attitude while he does whatever he wants. Now, he wants to add to that list by making you the target of his frustrations.
No one deserves this type of treatment from a supposed loved one. You deserve better! It’s up to you to decide the love you will accept. Choose yourself and your happiness 🙏
What exactly are you getting out of this relationship?
All of this would be rude and unreasonable even if it wasn’t your birthday. But it’s especially egregious on the one day a year you’re supposed to be made to feel special. If he doesn’t have the time or energy to give you even the bare minimum then he doesn’t have the time or energy to be in a relationship. You’re not unreasonable for wanting basic respect, love and care. I’m sorry to say but he doesn’t like you or care about you. I know it’ll be hard because of your bond with the daughter, but do what’s best for everyone (including her in the long run) and end things. You deserve to be with someone who is excited to make you feel special because to them, you ARE special.
Edit: typo
Sry to break this news to you but you are just a glorified babysitter. He’s not under no more pressure than you or anyone else who works and has a kid, hell he doesn’t even have his kid everyday. If what you say is true, you attend to her when she’s there. Not one to usually suggest breaking up but in your case, you can do a whole lot better than this🤷🏾♂️🤷🏾♂️🤷🏾♂️
Sounds like you are the live in nanny/bangmaid. You deserve better. He will never be that.
Being made to feel special on your birthday is literally the bare minimum and you deserve better. He’s using you as a baby sitter.
OP, you know you deserve better than this, that’s why you’re so upset.
The birthday thing is the tip of the iceberg. Choose you, and move on from that “relationship”.
Why did you take back this trashbag after your last post?????
This man doesn’t love you, he doesn’t even like you.
Please, love yourself enough to dump this asshole and never look back.
The only thing you are for him is a bang-maid. He does nothing for you but needs you to take care of the home and HIS child.
Think long and hard if you want to continue like that and don’t listen to his excuses.
How the hell is he responsible for his child if you’re the one who’s actively taking care of her every weekend??? It sounds more like you’re the unpaid childcare and housemaid.
I’m not sure why you’re staying with this person because they’ve shown you repeatedly that your feelings don’t matter. I’d tell him from now on he better have his ass up in the morning to take care of his own child because it’s not your responsibility.You’re not even allowed to show up at her birthday party.
If he tries to come at you about it, tell him you pay your share for everything there, just like a good roommate, and if he wants a babysitter, he can hire one.
You’re his bang-maid nanny.
He complained about working but slept all day! He doesn’t care about you. He only cares when you take care of his daughter for him while he relaxes and sleeps.
2 out of 3 birthdays he’s missed!
Edit: less than a month ago he dumped you! Dumped you after your had a miscarriage!
The only reason he’s back is because you’re his nanny.
Have some self respect!
My questions are ( I always have questions). What did you think you’d get out of posting all this. Did you think you’d get an unbalanced opinion? I only asked because, we get it ( well I did), it’s your birthday or was. Your birthday seems to be something special for you or to you, that’s cool, not really my thing but ok. I don’t require cakes or any kind of special dinner or such. I don’t cook and if I made my other half dinner it would be more of a gastric punishment. Plus he’s kinda picky ( I say picky, he doesn’t see it). Not sure what the grocery thing about but maybe address him about that I’d say. I guess it’s strange around here, we may go together and I pay half, then he may go alone or I go alone and it is what it is. I don’t want to use his card because I don’t want to have to keep up with his stuff plus mine so I don’t see the big deal, if he needs my card ( he normally doesn’t) he know where my wallet is.
The kid thing I have no clue since no one has kids over here but that seems to be a thing with a lot of co parents and possible baby mama drama.
The issue we have is this guy over here can’t make up his mind ( my perspective), I gave him a month to think about what he wants for our anniversary and still nothing and it’s next week, I told him if he can’t give me a clue than he’ll get what he asked for which is nothing. His issues I guess is there isn’t anything he wants and he doesn’t know what he will want to eat until it’s that time to eat, seems strange to me but hey whatever. I mean I got him something but I kinda think it’s a little cheesy but guess we will see next week.
Advice? Not really advice because I don’t know you two but sounds like maybe a heart to heart, about what’s important to both of you .
STOP BEING A DOORMAT.
So you like being treated like you don’t matter. You like being treated like the person doesn’t even like you that you’re only there for one purpose and that purpose is to take care of him and his daughter when she comes over. He left to take his daughter home and he didn’t come back into a quarter to 11:00 on your birthday and then he expecting dinner to be waiting for him when he got back. He went back and he ordered food for himself. You need to read your post very slowly and analyzing and then ask yourself WTF is wrong with you and why are you still there yes 33 years old I know that you are smart but you are not taking into consideration that this man doesn’t give a damn about you. And when you start making moves to get away from him all of a sudden the rain is going to come into the picture but it’s only going to be a ring to make you stick around not because he wants to marry you because who wants to marry that POS take that man off the hook throw his ass back in the ocean and go fishing again. Because there is better out there and I need you to get better and to do better because he is not it
Does he even like you? He is using you for labour and childcare and you are paying him for the “privilege”. Save your money and your dignity, move on.
You are being used. Yes it is unfair. No he is not under slot of stress with child. You take care of her. So change put yourself first. If you don’t love and value yourself no one will.
Ask yourself this question: what is it that you see in this guy that makes you stay with him? What is it about him that makes you continue in a relationship where you feel used and unappreciated?
You are a bang nanny.
I’ll say this forever: you cannot have a healthy, loving relationship with someone who doesn’t appreciate they are lucky to be with you, is considerate & kind towards you & is inherently unselfish(& you need to be the same). You bf ticks none of those boxes. You feel used and unappreciated because you are! He is also manipulative, gaslighting you that you’re asking too much (you aren’t!) Easy for me to say but you deserve better. Far better to be alone than spend life wishing your partner was someone he will never be.