My boyfriend and I started out as really good friends. When he confessed his feelings for me, I was totally caught off guard. I didn’t give him an answer right away, I needed time to think.
Naturally, I turned to my best friends (24F, 25F, 26F) for advice.
They were all against it. They said he was overstepping boundaries, trying to ruin our friendship, and that I shouldn’t give him a chance. At the time, I agreed with them somewhat or at least I thought I did. But after sitting with it on my own, I decided why not? I’ve always found him extremely attractive, I enjoy his company, and if it didn’t work out, who says we couldn’t go back to being friends?
We started dating and a few weeks in, we slept together. I told my friends (again, my best friends), and they sl*t shamed me. They said I was being stupid, that he was probably bragging to his friends about “finally hitting” and that I had no self respect or self control.
I defended myself, but ultimately let it go because they insisted they were just looking out for me. I’ve been friends with these women for 10 years. Through thick and thin so while hearing those comments hurt I still knew they cared about me. They were convinced he’d do something terrible to me and had malicious intentions. In a way it felt like they were projecting their past experiences onto me and I felt terrible and guilty for thinking that.
It felt like they hated him without ever giving him a chance. If I planned something and he was involved, they’d bail or decline an invite. They made it clear they didn’t want anything to do with him. They never even had a single conversation with him.
Things got tense, and eventually I broke up with him. Not because of anything like cheating or abuse but because of something he did that scared me (Im scared to give details incase my friends use reddit lol)
After we broke up, the “I told you so”s came out, and my friendships returned to normal, but I never really forgot how they treated me during that time. Like I was an idiot. Almost like I was beneath them and naive and dumb.
Fast forward two years. He reached out, apologized, and said he had grown and taken the time to work on himself. He even said he understood why my friends didn’t like who he was back then. We started talking again. Just friends at first, like how we used to be. But our feelings came back pretty quickly.
When I told my friends he was back in my life, they were predictably hostile. One of them didn’t even say anything, just wrote me off as a lost cause. No one was interested in seeing if he’d actually changed. So I stopped bringing him up.
Eventually, we started dating again but this time in secret. And the thing is, I’ve never been happier. We’ve both grown so much, he treats me incredibly well, and he’s been patient and supportive even when I feel like I don’t deserve it.
Lately, I’ve been spending more time with him and less with my friends. Not out of spite but it’s just exhausting to hide such a huge part of my life. His friends and both of our families know we’re together. My three closest friends don’t.
And now we’re engaged. He proposed, and I said yes.
I can’t share that joy with the people I thought would be the first to hear about it. I want to tell them. But I also dread the judgment, the passive-aggressiveness, or even them cutting me off completely. Part of me wonders if I’ve just outgrown them. Another part of me wants to just never tell them at all. If they find out later and get mad, isn’t that partly on them for never being willing to hear me out or to try getting to know him?
My fiancé doesn’t understand why they are still unwilling to give him a chance, but he doesn’t let it bother him. He wants me to do what’s best for me.
I feel stuck between wanting to share my happiness with my oldest friends and realizing they might not be the right people to share it with anymore.
Part of me thinks I’ve outgrown these friendships and that maybe they’re not as supportive as I once believed. Another part of me still cares deeply and wants them to be part of my life, my wedding, and everything ahead. But I don’t know if that’s even possible anymore.
I’m looking for advice from anyone who has been through something similar. How do you handle friendships that can’t seem to grow with you? If you had to choose between keeping the peace or being fully honest about your life, what did you do?
I’m completely lost on how to navigate this situation.
TL;DR: I’m engaged to someone my best friends hated. They don’t even know we are together now because I’ve been too afraid of their judgment. I don’t know if I should tell them or accept that these friendships might not be right for where I am now.
EDIT: A couple of you let me know it’s hard to give proper advice without knowing what my fiancé did. You’re right.
He got in trouble with the law for reckless driving during an argument essentially putting himself and me in danger. This lead to me breaking up with him almost instantly.
I’m sorry for any problems with this post. English isn’t my first language and I wrote this pretty quickly so I’m trying to fix any mistakes now.
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Personally, if I was the guy, I don’t think I’d tolerate being hidden from your closest friends. Choose one.
Without knowing what he did or who he was in “the before”, it’s hard to give advice on your friends, but let’s say for a moment that they’re right. Let’s assume that he sucks.
What kind of friends just slam all over a friend who is in a bad relationship? I was in a really, really toxic relationship for a long time, and while my friends definitely let me know they were concerned for me, they didn’t shame me, certainly never slut shamed me, and didn’t make it so that I wouldn’t have anyone to turn to when it inevitably ended. (My friends and I haven’t ever slut shamed each other. Ever.)
I’m sure they got tired of hearing about it, but they were still there for me. So even if your friends are right about him, they are handling this badly.
If they’re wrong, and he’s a good guy who’s made some bad choices here and there, you need to put 10 toes down and stand up for your own choices. Why are you hiding this? Why are you afraid of these women? Why is your voice less important than theirs?
You are engaged to be married and aren’t shouting about it with your whole chest. Imagine how that makes your fiance feel.
(I will ask this – does your fiance know about how your friends have acted? Is he the one that has said they slut shamed you, etc? I just don’t want to rule out that he’s isolating you from your friends, esp since you won’t say what he did.)
You are 25. If you can’t stand up for your actions, maybe it’s time to see a therapist to find out why you think your friends’ voices count more than yours.
(Also, does your family know? Coworkers?)
This post is so confusing
> Fast forward two years. He reached out, apologized, and said he had grown and taken the time to work on himself. He even said he understood why my friends didn’t like who he was back then.
Ok
>My fiancé doesn’t understand their hatred but he doesn’t let it bother him
So he does but he doesn’t?
What did he do that was scary
People don’t hate for no reason. What happened??
What did he do in the past that caused your friends to think so poorly of him?
And what did he do that made them say “I told you so”?
I don’t think we can really give an honest assessment without knowing more
Sorry, but those aren’t your friends. Unless they can specifically say why and it’s a valid reason then it seems like they are just bitter. Dump your friends. They don’t think you’re smart enough to chose a partner and want to control your life.
Grow a spine. You are an adult and can make your own decisions – even if they are bad ones. You don’t need approval from “friends” who don’t even bother to get to know the man you are asking advice about. Stop defending yourself to their judgement and just state: “You know what? This is my decision and it stand. If you don’t like it: Fine by me but it won’t change the fact that I made it.”
Also: do you want to marry your best friends or the guy who proposed to you?
I think your so called friends kind of stink. There’s looking out for you and there’s trying to control you. They seem to want to control you. That’s that vibe I’m getting. I honestly think you’ve outgrown the friendships. And honestly if you tell them you e been keeping a whole boyfriend, now Fiancé, from them it’s just going to start a huge fight that you lied to them, his stuff from them ECT. Also your fiancee doesn’t deserve to be hidden like a dirty little secret FROM ANYONE
>He got in trouble with the law for reckless driving during an argument essentially putting himself and me in danger. This lead to me breaking up with him almost instantly.
This is a major red flag. Tread carefully. Anger issues run deep.
Are your friends jealous? Judgmental?
Maybe.
On the other hand, they may be right. I’d love to hear their side.
Just helped someone through a breakup who was in a similar situation (and whose BF could also have been charges with reckless driving.)
People around her didn’t want her to date him. They also slut-shamed her.
They dated nearly 2 years. She’s since found out he cheated on her: once with a guy and once with a woman. Basically, he’s as bad and possibly worse than the people warning her thought he was. He was a master manipulator.
There’s no harm in taking things slow. You’re only 25. Be very careful here.
If you avoid telling your friends about your partner because of their reactions, that’s normally a red flag. However there’s not much to go on here. Do you have other friends who you see without your partner and confide in? Are those friends cliquey or have they lost patience with hearing repeated stories of negative behaviour?
I don’t feel like this is about growing out of a friendship, this is about trust and respect. The steps I would take in your shoes:
I had a friend in the past who told me the same stories over and over and at one point I was so tired of giving the same advice without her changing anything. I loved her and wanted to be there for her but I was just burned out. Maybe they feel the same…
INFO: I’m confused. Did your friends even know him before you guys started dating the first time? You said they never had a conversation with him. So whose friendship were they saying he was ruining? Why would they think that he’d do something terrible you? If they didn’t know him, why were they so against him? Were you telling them bad things about him? This doesn’t make sense.
If 3 people I trusted didn’t like my partner, AND my partner disregarded mh life while driving, I’d be pretty happy to break up with him and never speak to him again. But you know your situation the best here so if you think your friends are the ones in the wrong, they’re the ones you should step away from, for their sakes if not your own
He obviously wasn’t a nice guy back then, he even said he can understand why they hated him so it doesn’t seem like they are unjustified in their view. If you are determined to be with him then you have to just tell them and expect push backs. Don’t blame them for your bf being a shitty person that tried to scare you into submission by threatening to drive you to your death.
Such a strong reaction from 3 people, without good reason.
It’s coming from inside.
Your friends are absolutely 100% correct given the edit. It was hard to give advice prior to that.
That was abusive behavior. Of course your best friends are not going to want that type of relationship for you. Why would you EVER give someone a second chance for endangering your life and others? If your best friend told you the same scenario, wouldn’t you want better for them? If your child told you that, wouldn’t you want better for them?