I (23F) had major knee reconstruction surgery about 3.5 weeks ago. It’s been a rough recovery—I’m 50%-weight-bearing, using crutches, and following a 9-month rehab plan. I live at home while finishing grad school and, in exchange for no rent, I help out with groceries and chores.
Before surgery, I told my parents I wouldn’t be able to do much physically for a while. I even suggested we use paper plates to make dishes easier, and my mom was on board. They helped for a few days after surgery… then left for nearly two weeks to visit family (a trip they booked after knowing my surgery date). During that time, my brother, SIL, and their kids came to stay and were seriously amazing. They helped with meals, dishes, and errands, and I helped by watching the kids when needed. It was a good balance.
When my parents got home, it took about three days before my mom expected me to go back to full chores—especially dishes. I told her I wasn’t comfortable doing them yet and said I’d double-check with my physical therapist. When I asked him, he looked horrified and said no way—it’s still too early and would risk injury. He even gave me a written note explaining it.
When I told my mom, she got angry and called me a “lying weasel.” I offered a compromise: if she or someone else emptied the dishwasher, I’d fill it—since I can do that while leaning on my crutches. She refused, saying it was my turn and my problem. She let the sink pile up in 80º heat for over a week just to prove a point.
I was honestly torn—do I break doctor’s orders, risk re-injury, or ask my SIL (who already did so much) for help again? Ultimately, I didn’t want to sacrifice my health just to avoid conflict.
Then I found out my mom’s acting this way because last summer she was in a boot for a foot fracture and claims I didn’t help her with dishes. I don’t remember her asking, and she wasn’t on crutches or under strict medical restrictions like I am.
Today my dad yelled at me too. I explained everything, and he agreed to empty the dishwasher if I filled it. It got done in 30 minutes. I told my mom the same deal still stood—and she snapped, saying I had no right to “remind her” and implied I’ve been avoiding my responsibilities.
Now they’re both treating me like I’m being lazy and manipulative, but I don’t see how that’s fair. I planned ahead, offered realistic compromises, and followed medical advice. I’m not even allowed to drive yet.
So, AITA for not doing the dishes after surgery—even if it’s “my turn”?
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I (23F) had major knee reconstruction surgery about 3.5 weeks ago. It’s been a rough recovery—I’m 50%-weight-bearing, using crutches, and following a 9-month rehab plan. I live at home while finishing grad school and, in exchange for no rent, I help out with groceries and chores.
Before surgery, I told my parents I wouldn’t be able to do much physically for a while. I even suggested we use paper plates to make dishes easier, and my mom was on board. They helped for a few days after surgery… then left for nearly two weeks to visit family (a trip they booked after knowing my surgery date). During that time, my brother, SIL, and their kids came to stay and were seriously amazing. They helped with meals, dishes, and errands, and I helped by watching the kids when needed. It was a good balance.
When my parents got home, it took about three days before my mom expected me to go back to full chores—especially dishes. I told her I wasn’t comfortable doing them yet and said I’d double-check with my physical therapist. When I asked him, he looked horrified and said no way—it’s still too early and would risk injury. He even gave me a written note explaining it.
When I told my mom, she got angry and called me a “lying weasel.” I offered a compromise: if she or someone else emptied the dishwasher, I’d fill it—since I can do that while leaning on my crutches. She refused, saying it was my turn and my problem. She let the sink pile up in 80º heat for over a week just to prove a point.
I was honestly torn—do I break doctor’s orders, risk re-injury, or ask my SIL (who already did so much) for help again? Ultimately, I didn’t want to sacrifice my health just to avoid conflict.
Then I found out my mom’s acting this way because last summer she was in a boot for a foot fracture and claims I didn’t help her with dishes. I don’t remember her asking, and she wasn’t on crutches or under strict medical restrictions like I am.
Today my dad yelled at me too. I explained everything, and he agreed to empty the dishwasher if I filled it. It got done in 30 minutes. I told my mom the same deal still stood—and she snapped, saying I had no right to “remind her” and implied I’ve been avoiding my responsibilities.
Now they’re both treating me like I’m being lazy and manipulative, but I don’t see how that’s fair. I planned ahead, offered realistic compromises, and followed medical advice. I’m not even allowed to drive yet.
So, AITA for not doing the dishes after surgery—even if it’s “my turn”?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> i didnt do the dishes when asked. Should I have done something different?
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA
Your mom holding a grudge over something from last year is petty and irrelevant, especially since the situations aren’t comparable. Letting dishes pile up in the heat to “prove a point” is immature. You had major surgery, have a doctor’s note, and are following medical advice. You even offered a reasonable compromise, and it’s not like you’re refusing to help entirely, you’re just prioritizing your health. Good on your dad for stepping in. You’ve done nothing wrong.
Nta – you don’t want to risk any long-term complications by going against doctor’s orders. The fact that your mom is even asking you to do that tells me she’s either a fool or a narcissist. (Please feel free to show her this comment.)
Trying to do physical activity that you’re not ready for after a surgery could damage you for the rest of your life. That’s not worth the risk of doing a few dishes.
If she really wants you to continue to participate in household chores while you’re still literally getting back on your feet. You could offer to fold laundry. But I do hope that she keeps in mind that the way that she treats you now is going to be reflective of how you choose to treat her when she’s getting older.
She is only going to get older and she is not going to get younger. Is this how she would want to be treated after surgery?
Best of luck to you.
NTA this is crazy, peope absolutely have to have time to recover from surgery and 3 weeks isn’t even a full month! Especially considering your physical therapist wrote a note too, I would try and have the doctor himself explain it directly to your family
NTA but this does not sound like a sustainable living situation. Could you go stay with your brother and SIL and see if you can trade off some child care for a couch to crash on?
Recovering physically when you have mental stress is really good for you and can seriously affect the process.
NTA
Invite your mom with you on your next doctors appointment to let the doc explain what you can and cannot do.
NTA
Also, you need to move. Your mother is being unreasonable and she’s not going to change.
As a Physiotherapist I can easily say NTA, knee reconstruction takes a long time to heal. Prolonged stand and bending is really not advised this soon after surgery.
NTA does your mom actually care about you? She sounds like a high school mean girl bully.
NTA. You’re under medical care. Don’t do anything that might hamper your progress to getting fit again. You might want to drop a few plates and see how she reacts.
NTA – Don’t do it! Sorry, but your Mom is awful. I had a knee surgery also. You can not really do chores with crutches!
I hope you graduate soon and can move out! Is living with your sister an option?
Absolutely NTA. Your doctors know more than your mother about this. Can she go along to an appointment with you so the doctor can explain it in person?
UpdateMe
My kids both had reco’s (I have too) and neither of them were doing the dishwasher until they were walking unaided and able to twist the knee. It a risky thing to do on crutches with the weight and also easy to over extend the knee.
NTA for saying no, is there somewhere you can stay while you recover?
Slightly Both are the a as although I think they are treating you unfairly , I think you were wrong to ignore your mums pain last year. Why did she have to ask when you could see she was in a boot? I broke one foot and an ankle and was in 2 boots with no crutches and it was far more painful than when I fractured my knee and was in crutches as I wasn’t weight bearing. My foot constantly throbbed etc. crutches are an inconvenience but she’s not asking you to kneel down and scrub floors. You just put your body against the sink and don’t put your foot down.
I can’t even think of expecting that of my kids or anyone – my youngest is 25
Good advice previously given take both parents with you so that Doc can explain what is happening and your limitations
Figure out what you can do on a list beforehand – like laundry etc so it can be discussed
If that meets with the same response from mum and dad you know where you stand and ask Doc for help to come up with plan B
You have a long recovery time and being limited in what you can do can be testing to be polite to start with without this attitude that they are coming at you with
Good luck, hope all settles down you need to put your recovery first here
NTA – just had what sounds like the same knee surgery (woohoo! My knee doesn’t try to go on adventures without me anymore!) at the end of May. Up until the start of this month, I was still on crutches. It was hell just trying to get in and out of the shower to wash my hair. Standing up for more than a minute makes you realize very quickly how much you do shuffle and adjust your weight in a normal setting. Sadly, you can’t do that – or, at least, not quickly- making it very uncomfortable to stand.
If you can, can you go stay with your brother and SIL? My BFF and Mom were amazing and stayed with me for over a month (BFF just left last week!) to help me with basic chores. I’m now at the point I can waddle walk and even get up the stairs. (Down the stairs is a different story) So you will be better soon. Hang in there.
NTA. You risk damaging your recovery. Your parents sound terrible. Can you talk about it with your brother? Not specifically to ask your SIL to help, but for advice and help with a plan? Is your relationship like that?
Hopefully you can finish school and move out ASAP.
Your mom’s so hateful, how can you stand her, you sound so sweet.
I would tell my mom to fuck off and have some understanding. So sick of insane parents
If you have a note from a medical professional, then you need to follow their advise. I lost my leg, and fortunately used my cot to do everything from a seated position for several months. I wore my prosthetic a lot, but didn’t have a lot of pressure put on the prosthetic when I was doing most things. I generally just stood and walked when headed for our commode, or when we went into town. Most of the time, I stayed in the tent, until I felt capable of taking my trash out and putting beside the tent. I gradually got to the point where I took the commode bucket out, becoming more confident about walking the rocky area around our tent site.
However, when we got housed, I spent the first week spending a large amount of time on my leg. I was doing dishes at least 2 or 3 times daily, trying to clean the dishes that we used while camping. And the dishes created from meal prep (which my ex did entirely). I quickly noticed that my leg was getting a small abrasion at one point where my prosthetic rubbed against the leg. I started doing fewer dishes. Abrasion grew, and my leg started swelling. Turns out that I was not thinking, and not wearing my prosthetic when just sitting on my bed. Leg was swelling because it was hanging off the side of the bed, and allowing fluid to collect. This didn’t help the abrasion, because now my leg was rubbing more on that same spot. I ended up with an ulcer, a small open wound, which got infected. I couldn’t manage to do dishes even once a day, I had to try to do dishes only two, maybe three times a week. This caused friction with my ex, who didn’t like that I left dishes unwashed for 2-3 days, he called me lazy, and other unkind names.
I still have the ulcer, although it’s much better. And since I realized why my leg was swelling, I’ve since started wearing my prosthetic anytime I’m sitting up. I do dishes once a day, sometimes waiting a day or two if it’s not a lot of dishes. But, it’s still a problem, I’m still “lazy” for not doing them right away. He doesn’t know how to stack the dishes so that it reduces the amount of space used, and complains if there’s too many dishes piled and he can’t get to the faucet. Never mind that it’s usually because he doesn’t stack them neatly…
But honestly, you need to do what’s safe and medically needed for your recovery. I showed you my history, to give you an idea of how something as small as doing dishes can cause you massive issues over time. Don’t do more than you feel comfortable with, especially if medical personnel agree with you and provide you with documentation. If your mom is so insistent upon you doing the dishes, show her the note, and get another one that outlines exactly what could happen. Make sure the potential COST (both financially, physically, and mentally) could be, if this is pushed. Talk to your professional, and explain that your mom is still insisting, and see if they can outline how pushing you could cause long term issues, both pain wise, physically, and even possibly cost you your limb (very real possibility, with it being your knee. You could end up losing your leg, above your knee, which will be a massive hardship, much worse than not getting dishes done when requested).
I had major knee surgery two years ago, and I can tell you that many people don’t understand how hard partial weight bearing or non weight bearing is. The doctor told me if I put more weight on my knee than I was supposed to, I could ruin the surgery and have to have it redone. I’m sure it’s the same for you.
People think, oh it’s just crutches. That’s not bad. But if you’re following the directions that you were given, there’s a lot you can’t safely do. I’m so sorry you’re having to go through this, and that your mom isn’t more supportive. Wishing you a full and speedy recovery.
wow. when I was healing from knee injury (injury, not full blown reconstructive surgery) my so didn’t even allow me to grab food from the fridge by myself. your parents are horrible, selfish people. NTA
When I was going through different surgeries, I’d sometimes be placed in a long term nursing or rehab facility. Have you looked into that as an option? Your insurance may be able to cover that, or you could qualify for Medicaid or other insurance, which may allow you to consider this option. Explain how your treatment is being affected by parents pushing you do do more than you are medically supposed to do. Also, while in rehab or nursing facility, you’d be able to get additional rehab support, usually an hour or two daily, except for weekends. This would mean you’d be able to strengthen your body in a safe environment, and still have plenty of rest during the remainder of your day. I would suggest that you take something small, that would help keep you occupied during the more boring parts of the day.
Then I found out my mom’s acting this way because last summer she was in a boot for a foot fracture and claims I didn’t help her with dishes. I don’t remember her asking, and she wasn’t on crutches or under strict medical restrictions like I am.
Why would your Mom need to ask for help when she is in a boot? Surely it should have been obvious she needed some assistance.
That said, you are not in a position to be able to do the dishes at this time. You are following doctors orders just as you should be and your parents are not coming across as very caring people. Have you offered to swap out chores for something you can do sat at the table or on the sofa? (prepping veggies, fold laundry etc)
Show your Mom you are still willing to help out, just at a different chore.
NTA. Healing is important. Please consider moving far, far away when you graduate. Do NOT ever let her move in with you in her old age. She will treat you like a servant (like she is now, but worse) and complain constantly that you don’t do enough. There is never enough to satisfy someone like her.
There is a saying “don’t light yourself on fire to keep someone else warm”.
So sit on a chair and do the dishes. Your hands still work.
Nta, you have to advocate for yourself, and your mom is selfish and your dad so dense to blindly defend her, I doubt anything you do will make a difference. If you can, stay with other family or friends while finishing your recovery, if it doesn’t risk your current living arrangements. I’m more stubborn than my family and thrive on making them realize their stupidity, so I would double down on the “knee surgery is not a broken foot” to the point of giving your mother lectures. Video evidence from your doctor directed to your parents might help but I doubt anything short of moving out will help you with your mom. I wish you luck, she’s sounds narcissistic and unfortunately you seem to be an easy target for her.
You guys have a dishwasher- what is the problem? They put the dishes in, press a button, and remove as needed.
I would KILL for a dishwasher. Is it that hard to load and unload a machine that does all the work?
I’m not blaming op- I’m asking why the parents can’t handle this very simple task.
I had a knee surgery 23 years ago, after I got hit by a car.
I did not follow the doctors order in a whole and I have suffered from it since. I will never be free from pain or limping nomatter what I do. I’m still going to “smärtkliniken” wich is a special part of the hospital ment for people with severe chronic pain.
NTA by far, please, please please follow your doctors order! Don’t end up like me just because, it’s really not worth it.
NTA. But do your parents like you? They are being pretty harsh after a major surgery…or maybe they just don’t understand how bad it is to push you like this after it. I would recommend moving out as soon as you can though since you aren’t welcome. They could have been holding back for a while and this is just causing it to spill out a bit. Maybe just take it as a hint…
NTA your health and recovery is more important as some dishes.
If she is being childish by proving a point that way, do the same.
Load the dishes like you said you would and could. Then when it is time to unload it and put the plates away, be incredible clumsy and let a couple slip. Then say that you told her you couldn’t do it but she insisted.
Yes, petty is my middle name.
> she was in a boot for a foot fracture and claims I didn’t help her with dishes
This is the crux of the issue for me. You are expecting something from her that you weren’t willing to do for her.
You also didn’t help her with the washing up while she was in a boot with a broken foot and you were getting to live rent-free in exchange for helping with the chores, which raises it’s own set of questions.
So YTA, not for not doing the chore now but for not helping your mother last year when she broke her foot.