So I (18F) work in a coffee shop with this girl “Lisa”(20F). Lisa is very proudly Jewish, wears the Star of David and talks about it a lot. You can not work one shift with her without knowing that her family fled Germany in the 1940s, wound up in the United States and will never return. That’s all she says. She has said nothing about hating Germany today or anything like that.
Which brings us to our conflict. I don’t work with her a ton because she works in the mornings and I work in the evening but three days ago someone called out and she and I closed the store together. We split tips into little cups with our names on them and she told me that she couldn’t find my cup. I handed it to her and she said she had never seen my name spelled like that. You can guess where this is going.
My name is German, because my family is German. My mother and her brothers immigrated from Germany when they were college-aged. NOTE: None of the family we still talk to had anything to do with that man. We know this for a fact because in my great grandfathers writings, he details his hatred for that man and all of the family he cut off who agreed with him. I also hate that man.
The reason Lisa didn’t immediately clock my name as being German was because I use the American pronunciation. Think like Pedro to Peter. I also don’t wear my name tag. She got really quiet. We closed the store and I sat outside for a minute and spoke to my mother, in German. She came out and started to scream at me. About how I was trying to secretly erase her culture and weasel myself into everything and re-traumatize her.
We got a very lengthy text message in the work group chat about how I was a “terrorist” and should be fired. A lot of people messaged me separately asking what happened. My manager called us both in for a meeting. Lisa launched into how she didn’t feel safe at work. She said to feel safe I would have to change the spelling of my name, never speak in German around her, and never mention my family. My manager said that wasn’t happening. I was asked to leave the meeting and it apparently ended with Lisa being fired.
I told the story to some of my friends yesterday and some of them said that I was 100% in the wrong, that what her family went through was horrific, and I should’ve agreed to at least one of her asks. Some of my friends say I was right. The more I think about it the worse I feel. AITA?
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So I (18F) work in a coffee shop with this girl “Lisa”(20F). Lisa is very proudly Jewish, wears the Star of David and talks about it a lot. You can not work one shift with her without knowing that her family fled Germany in the 1940s, wound up in the United States and will never return. That’s all she says. She has said nothing about hating Germany today or anything like that.
Which brings us to our conflict. I don’t work with her a ton because she works in the mornings and I work in the evening but three days ago someone called out and she and I closed the store together. We split tips into little cups with our names on them and she told me that she couldn’t find my cup. I handed it to her and she said she had never seen my name spelled like that. You can guess where this is going.
My name is German, because my family is German. My mother and her brothers immigrated from Germany when they were college-aged. NOTE: None of the family we still talk to had anything to do with that man. We know this for a fact because in my great grandfathers writings, he details his hatred for that man and all of the family he cut off who agreed with him. I also hate that man.
The reason Lisa didn’t immediately clock my name as being German was because I use the American pronunciation. Think like Pedro to Peter. I also don’t wear my name tag. She got really quiet. We closed the store and I sat outside for a minute and spoke to my mother, in German. She came out and started to scream at me. About how I was trying to secretly erase her culture and weasel myself into everything and re-traumatize her.
We got a very lengthy text message in the work group chat about how I was a “terrorist” and should be fired. A lot of people messaged me separately asking what happened. My manager called us both in for a meeting. Lisa launched into how she didn’t feel safe at work. She said to feel safe I would have to change the spelling of my name, never speak in German around her, and never mention my family. My manager said that wasn’t happening. I was asked to leave the meeting and it apparently ended with Lisa being fired.
I told the story to some of my friends yesterday and some of them said that I was 100% in the wrong, that what her family went through was horrific, and I should’ve agreed to at least one of her asks. Some of my friends say I was right. The more I think about it the worse I feel. AITA?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1. I refused to compromise with a coworker who I made “feel unsafe” and ended with her being fired.
2. My culture did commit terrible things against her people and now she’s lost her job because of it.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
Eeesh… it’s the day for hoping posts aren’t real. I don’t know your politics; but as far as being German and proud of your culture, ofc NTA. She needs a reality check. If the unstated political difference is present, that changes things- obviously.
NTA, you did not get her fired, she did that herself.
You need some new friends.
NTA. You didn’t get her fired. She got herself fired. You didn’t do anything wrong. Per your story, it was your manager who didn’t agree to any of her completely unreasonable requests.
NTA
Lisa wasn’t even alive then, and a lot of the Jews were German (including her family it seems)
Seems she just wants to be the centre of attention, I can’t imagine any reasonable Jew files in a rage on hearing someone speak the German language
NTA
Obviously the holocaust was awful, the concentration camps were awful, the murders, the blame, all awful. She didn’t experience any of it though, because she wasn’t born.
You existed as a person of German heritage who can speak German. She needs to grow up, and perhaps avoid Pennsylvania.
This all seems so incredibly unlikely.
But assuming it’s true, you can’t possibly be the asshole merely by existing with a family history. So I don’t think there is actually a valid AITA question here.
NTA.
Sounds like Lisa is.
Your name is the name given to you by your parents, and it sounds like you speak German with your parents on a regular basis.
No different than anybody else being named a cultural name and speaking their parents’ native language with them.
Obviously NTA and the fact you’re tearing yourself up about this shows just how absurd this identity of victimhood is. You don’t get to wear and wield an family trauma like it’s an inherited coat. She’s got some deep-seated issues and it’s not your fault nor your problem.
I hope it’s made up or AI generated.
Having a German name, and speaking German, is not unreasonable behaviour. Her demand seeks to erase your culture and family history, slightly hypocritical.
Is Lisa unaware that plenty of German people were/are Jewish as well, and that simply being German is not an indicator to how one feels about Jewish people?
What Lisa’s ANCESTORS went through was horrific, yes. I’m sure she grew up hearing these stories, and was greatly affected by them. She herself did not live in Germany, did not flee the genocide, did not live through the persecution. She should not be so triggered by seeing a German name or hearing the German language. It sounds like therapy would be very helpful for her.
NTA.
NTA. You didn’t actually do anything to this woman. All you did was spell your name correctly and speak to your mother in your native language.
If those are triggers for Lisa, then those are her triggers to manage, not yours. You’re not responsible for Lisa getting upset over the simple fact that you are German. You can’t help that, but she can absolutely regulate her own emotions.
NTA. That’s insane. Your culture is not your fault. She’s acting as if you personally attacked her because you’re German lol.
What happened to her family was horrific, yes, but it has nothing to do with you. To demand to change your name and to never speak your language when she’s around is horrific. To call you a terroristic is horrific. To say you should be fired for being German is horrific.
She was not traumatized. She’s just someone trying to be a victim when they’re not and looking for attention. If I were you, I’d get rid of those ‘friends’ saying you were in the wrong.
NTA…There’s an asshole in this story, but it’s not you.
NTA. What her family went through is horrific, but that wasn’t her now was it?
YTA. This is obviously a writing exercise. Not a convincing one.
NTA. Your coworker has some serious entitlement issues. You did nothing wrong, and you shouldn’t feel bad about being born into your own family culture. Follow the lead of your manager.
I am more impressed that a manager actually managed the situation. I guess they do deserve the big bucks.
And NTA by any means.
Lisa sounds unhinged.
NTA, based on you post I struggle to find how you personally impacted her past or attempted to harm her currently. This is all about her and her attitudes towards you based on very limited knowledge.
This sounds made up AF if I’m honest.
NTA
You didn’t do anything. You just existed next to her.
If you think about it, she behaves racist. Just like the people she hates.
NTA
Yes your coworker (former) has some issues but she dragged them to a different level.
You didn’t do anything wrong and neither did your manager by not giving into her demands.
She probably got fired for calling you a terrorist.
That is a crazy story. Neither of you were around then, its not your fault. Shes totally out of order. Your boss did the right thing.
Wow, just wow
NTA. She got herself fired.
Yes, you are AITA.
NTA.
I’m not going to judge on whether Lisa’s trauma is valid. I’m just going to treat it like it is, as a best-case scenario.
A person simply existing cannot be a retraumatization. Sure, being around someone who bears reminders of trauma can be triggering. But that’s not the same thing.
Correct me if I’m wrong, but you didn’t specifically spell your name the German way or talk on the phone in German to get a rise out of her.
The way we handle our triggers is on us.
There was probably a compromise available that didn’t involve your muting your own identity. Especially since y’all don’t even work the same shift usually.
But she lost control, she was unprofessional, and she got fired. That’s all there is to it.
Good on your boss for not capitulating to unreasonable demands.
You are NTA and you need new friends. The girl was unhinged.
NTA. Lisa is being absurd.
NTA at all.
NTA, your friends are very into the media I’d say. what kind of crazy thing is it that you’re not allowed to use your own name? I’m baffled.
I love happy endings like this. She’s xenophobic, she deserves to he fire, she’s not traumatized, her ancestors were, and it has nothing to do with your or her. I’d also put a caution on her with the police. She sounds dangerous.
NTA.
This is so many levels of ridiculous. Say your employer hired someone who immigrated from Germany and spoke English with a German accent, would she expect that person to change their name and take speech therapy to eliminate the accent? Her mentality is absurd,
“I told the story to some of my friends yesterday and some of them said that I was 100% in the wrong”.
You shouldn’t talk to those friends anymore
You didn’t choose your name and you were talking to your mom. Lisa overreacted and her issue is not your problem. Clearly there’s generational trauma on Lisa’s part, but she needs to get the tools to deal with it. 100% NTA. She was screaming at you for existing.
NTA. Zionists are professionals at weaponising anything and everything. I wouldn’t give her a second thought. I can guarantee you she doesn’t extend the same courtesies to the Palestinians that are currently being slaughtered for her benefit.
NTA. That’s an insane demand. I could understand not wanting to hear German spoken around her if she had experienced the holocaust herself, but she has no personal trauma from that. Sure, there’s generational trauma but she doesn’t get to erase someone’s heritage because of what happened 80 years ago
NTA.
Yes, what her family went through was horrific. But your family had nothing to do with that. I’ll go further and say that this is a bit of peak drama-queen on the part of Lisa–if she is 20, she’s younger than my youngest child (24), I’m 59 … and it was *my* grandfather who was in WWII (he was USAAF in the Pacific). So that puts the immediate experience several generations back–and it is not reasonable to blame modern Germans for what happened decades/generations ago.
Your name is your name–and you shouldn’t change the spelling of it to appease someone. The idea of saying you can never mention your family? More lunacy. And when you were speaking in German, you weren’t speaking *to* her, you were speaking to someone else. So none of the asks were reasonable (and appeasement isn’t a great policy … particularly when dealing with someone whose tether to rationality is … loose). Your manager recognized that Lisa’s requests were unhinged (and could cause further problems–what happens if a new German immigrant with a heavy accent comes in to order? Or gives a name that is strongly German because that’s the customer’s name? (Like I went to college, way back in the day, with a student from Germany whose name was Wulf.) Lisa can be proud of her family’s history and her religious faith (if this part applies), but that doesn’t mean stomping on someone else in the process.
nta, how the heck would you erase your own identity to satisfy her? she’s got a few screws loose and she isn’t even the one who went through the events to be ‘re-traumatized’ or whatever
NTA. Ww2 was over 80 years ago. Time for her to stop living in the past.
NTA. When you said some people said you should agree to at least one of the asks, I scrolled back up to see the ages and I was right – seems like your friends are super young. They haven’t learned yet what a reasonable ask is.
And I guess I’m a terrorist for being Japanese in Hawaii.
NTA, not one bit. Your co-worker needs to go touch some grass.