I (45M) have two kids with my ex-wife Mel (40F): Emmy (14F) and Travis (11M). We divorced several years ago after a pretty nasty split. I’m not a high-income guy, but I have a family trust from my grandfather that provides a very comfortable lifestyle. It wasn’t counted in the divorce, nor could it be touched for child support or alimony, which Mel still resents to this day.
Mel never went back to work after the divorce (she used to be a teacher), and I let her live rent-free in one of my parents’ properties so the kids could stay close. She’s since remarried and has two more kids with her new husband, but money seems to still be a major issue in that household.
Here’s where the real issue starts..my kids have a much “nicer” life, for lack of a better term. They go to private school, get good gifts (recently, a Switch 2, lacrosse gear, and a new MacBook), and take vacations with me and my family. Their half-siblings don’t get the same, and it’s led to a lot of jealousy and fighting.
My kids refused to share their stuff with their half-siblings anymore because things have been broken in the past, like a PS4 that mysteriously stopped working after a visit. They don’t want their stuff ruined, and honestly, I don’t blame them. Apparently, this caused yet another meltdown between Mel and her husband, and now she’s banned the kids from bringing their gifts to her house at all.
So now they’re staying with me more, because why would they want to go somewhere they can’t enjoy the things they own?
This set off a domino effect. Mel is now filing for child support (which, again, she’s allowed to do), and in response to everything, my parents told her she’ll need to start paying rent in September. She’s now claiming she can’t afford it and that we’re “forcing her to move out of state” even though she can’t take the kids with her. It’s turning into a full-blown meltdown.
But here’s the thing, and I know this is harsh, at some point, she and her husband need to get it together and stop blaming me and my kids for their lack of resources. Life isn’t always fair. Our kids have different opportunities, and that’s not my responsibility to “balance out.” I’m not going to tell my kids they have to share everything just so their halfsiblings don’t feel bad. That’s not how the world works.
I could help more, sure, but why should I keep picking up the slack because she and her husband can’t provide? I already let her live rent-free for years. I don’t think I owe more than that.
That said, maybe I’m being too blunt or dismissive. AITA?
Comments
Your ex has not gone back to work, remarried and her new husband and kids live rent free along with your kids, in a property owned by your parents. Your ex wants you to subsidise her and her new kids. NTA, but you should go to court for majority custody, the environment at your ex’s is toxic.
Fundamentally, you’re right. It’s not your job to finance her life with her husband and their shared children.
But there are some opportunities here that could be taken to reduce some conflict and help ensure that your kids and their SIBLINGS have a good relationship.
I’ll tell you right now that mistake #1 was not having CS and a CO that is adhered to set up. All that free rent? It’s considered a gift in the US courts and won’t count towards support. And letting kids dictate which home they spend time at is a real slippery slope. That’s the reason CS exists—to even things out between households so there’s not an “advantage”. And FWIW, even if your ex is unemployed, the CS calculation assigns a number for min income they expect her to have. Her husband’s income does not count in the calculation.
Assuming you have 50/50, have the kids keep their expensive gifts at your house. Your ex is being ridiculous to think all things must be shared. Even in an intact home, kids are allowed to have things that are “just theirs”. But you can help shut down that dynamic by just keeping the stuff at your house. Not the lacrosse gear obviously but a switch or PS or whatever? Those can stay with you. The MacBook is a personal item also. Makes no sense why mom doesn’t get it.
Vacations? I mean you could invite her and husband and kids if they can pay their way and do a big family vacay but you don’t owe them a trip.
My biggest concern in reading this is the potential growth of a rift between the kids.
NTA… you’re not being cruel, just setting boundaries that ensure your kids’ stuff doesn’t get ruined. Mel really needs to get her own financial ducks in a row instead of taking hers out on everyone else.
The rarefied atmosphere where OP’s ex resides has apparently caused oxygen deprivation. If she wants more for her other two children, she needs to step up and find a job to pay for it. Not OP’s circus, not OP’s monkeys.
NTA
NTA, you’ve been exceedingly generous with your ex wife. She, her husband and their children are not your responsibility. If mom is tight, she needs to get a J O B
You need to go to court and get custody of your children, their living situation with their mother is toxic and not good for them.
You have done more than enough for your ex, by allowing her to live rent-free in one of your parents’ properties. If she goes to court I don’t think they will do too much because you are contributing by letting her live in the rent-free property, but it would be a good time for you to try and get custody.
Different households, different lifestyles. Your kids shouldn’t bring their gadgets over.
NTA. Wow, your ex is super entitled as is her husband. Where do they get the idea that you need to take care of his kids? That is simply ignorant of them. Maybe you will get lucky, they will move out of state and you don’t have to deal with them…and if your kids are predominately with you, she is going to get a decrease in child support not an increase.
NTA let her file and let your parents charge her market rent. She looked took the kindness for granted.
NTA. Free rent for so long is more than generous. Good on you for looking out for your kids.
Updateme
NTA.
The best way you could help out is just take full custody of your kids.
My son’s step-siblings have managed to “it just stopped working” 3 android tablets, a Gameboy, an X-box, and I can’t remember how many RC cars…. and those kids had the latest version of Xbox, Nintendo, I-pads, etc. I just stopped letting him take his stuff over there because I couldn’t afford to replace them. The rules there were “the kids have to share” so if my kid’s stuff wasn’t there it couldn’t be community property.
UpdateMe
YTA for asking AITA. There is no way you actually believe she’s right
NTA – Well, if you ex wants the half kids to have the same, then she needs to get off her ass and work. What her and her husband can afford is not your responsibility, nor should you be responsible for helping them out. I mean you’ve done more than enough with letting them live there rent free, even after she married. Additionally, if she’s now getting the children less time, I’m confused as how she thinks she will get any more child support than she already has.
Um, no? She’s an able-bodied adult who chose not to work, as well as have more kids she can’t afford. She needs to pony up, get a job, and stop mooching off her ex. Also, can she file for child support, if your kids are staying with you the majority of the time?
NTA, but you kind of brought this on yourself by letting her live in your property rent-free. Her being mad that she didn’t get part of your inheritance shows her entitled tendencies.
Your ex should have corrected the siblings when they broke your kids’ things. Sharing is generally a good thing, but when we borrow someone else’s things, we have an obligation to take care of those things and pay for them when we break them.
It sounds like Mel had a pretty cushy divorce. Not paying rent for years is a kindness. She should have gotten a job and saved the money from what would have been rent – had she been smart.
She shouldn’t have had additional kids if she wasn’t willing to get a job and provide for them.
NTA – Your family was sharing, the most basic need of all. Shelter. Housing. It is extremely generous of your family. Full stop. That needs to not be taken lightly just because you have the financial means to do more. Don’t take that as a slight against you. Because it is not. The things she’s asking for are wants, not needs. It’s not your fault your ex and her husband can’t see past that.
Off topic, how does a Playstation get broken in a weekend?
She’s going to regret this. Her greed and sloth are going to cost her her children.
Go back to court and ask for child support or a reduction to her now that the kids are spending more time with you.
You e been far too nice. As soon as she married she should have either started paying rent or moved out. I know you were doing what’s best for your kids, and it was gracious of your parents to allow it. But the gravy train has pulled into the station.
She can go get a job and pay for her kids. Good on you for sticking up for your kids. I would suggest getting a lawyer and go for majority custody.
Sounds like you guys want to keep the war going and use the kids as weapons. NTA, nor should you be footing the bill for your children’s siblings.
NTA…but the message you’re sending your kids isn’t great. You’re teaching them to resent poorer people. Have them share. Replace anything mysteriously broken by what you consider to be “low-rent” kids. Don’t give your ex anything. Just be less of a douchebag when it comes to the kids.
Op…nawwwwww. Your ex-wife, her new husband, and THEIR children live in one of your properties RENT FREE..for YEARS…and she has the audacity to ask for more child support?!
Nowhere in anything you’ve said are you the AH. But they sure are. They save between $15-25k and year in rent depending on the size of the home and they still can’t make ends meet? Why exactly can’t she get a damn job to contribute?
Boo hoo, she’ll have to move out of state. Is she mental? You have the kids more so how could she possibly want more child support? Classic example of FAFO. Like what did she think was gonna happen?
Of course NTA
It’s quite fair that if she wants child support, your parents start to charge her rent
You’re in the right that you don’t have to support her children, that’s her and her husband’s business. And if they can’t she has to go back to work. That’s how life works
Your kids are not selfish, is that their property gets damaged by the other kids
NTA – but I can’t wait for her to take you to court asking for child support when the kids are with you majority of the time. It may end up that she will owe YOU child support instead!
Does her husband know that she’s staying at her ex-husband’s parents house rent free? we need to bring back shame. this man doesn’t care that his wife is still mooching off of her ex this man is also OK mooching off of the ex. NTA
Not your fault she fell for a loser
You are absolutely right and were smart to keep your inheritance trust completely separate unlike this other woman who posted she bought and remodeled her house with her husband. This marriage doesn’t work out she will regret that decision. You are not responsible for her and you have been very generous. She did your kids a favor by not letting them bring their stuff over. This was her choice and you are doing nothing wrong. Having to pay rent is absolutely reasonable.
NTA at all
You should go for primary custody and ask for child support
What’s the age difference here? “Several years” and kids with the new husband implies much younger half siblings. And older kids have tech younger kids don’t need. Why is this even a fight?
So your entire wife wants you to fund her and her husband’s life? NTA
NTA. This is such a difficult situation. The only thing I would add to the convo is to talk with your children about what they can do in order to keep some peace with their siblings. I think it’s important that they understand that the imbalance in circumstances is causing some hurt feelings. I’m not meaning that they take responsibility—but making certain they are at least empathetic and don’t lord their good luck over the others. (Siblings can be incredibly cruel to each other.)
You should have kicked her out of your parent’s property long ago. She is remarried and still looking for you, her ex, to pay for her life. You are no longer married. NTA
NTA she knew before she had more kids that she wouldn’t be able to give them what her other kids have so that’s on her.
You could do more than giving your ex and her new family free rent in your parents’ home? How? What more does she want? I’d say her “having to move” is the result of her greed and entitlement. Use this opportunity to file for sole custody. NTA
I would bring up, and any judge would probably agree, that the current rent-free housing IS her child support and she has to choose between a free place to live or cash. It would also be fair to point out that her VOLUNTARY financial instability means the children would be better off in your custody.
>She’s since remarried and has two more kids with her new husband, but money seems to still be a major issue in that household.
Seriously, that’s an entirely self-inflicted problem. She shouldn’t have had more kids if she couldn’t afford to raise them. NTA at all. You’re not being too dismissive. If anything, you’re being FAR too accommodating.
Good for you
I can understand why your ex doesn’t want the kids to bring electronics that the other kids can’t use. That makes sense to me.
Otherwise, I think she and her new husband are biting the hand that feeds them, and are really very entitled.
She was living rent free in a house as a kindness to her, and wasn’t working.
She fucked herself over. She was ungrateful and if they were having money issues maybe she should have considered getting a job
The second she remarried, she should have been paying rent.
Yea you’ve got her spoiled. The fact she lives rent-free and still gonna go after you for child support is wild. If you’re in the city, im sure rent is through the roof, so if she does get child support shes still gonna be losing money because she will also be paying rent. If she was that concerned about it you would think she would get off her ass and get a job.
NTA. File for emergency full custody, and cite that your ex cannot provide a stable living situation as the reason why. Explain what you said here, that she refuses to go back to work, and her new husband doesn’t make enough to cover their expenses, that they’ve been living rent free in a property owned by your parents, and your parents have decided they don’t want to house your ex anymore, so they’re evicting them, and that your ex is saying they’ll have to flee the state as a result. That your kids are being yelled at simply because they’ve got things their half siblings don’t, and that they don’t want to be somewhere that they’re made to feel unwanted or like they’re the bad guys.
NTA. Your ex’s financial situation has nothing to do with you. Her choice to not work has nothing to do with you. Her having more children has nothing to do with you. What you buy your children has nothing to do with her. She’s lived off you and your parent’s subsidies for long enough. You are responsible for your children. She and her husband are responsible for their children and their financial situation.
Other people’s kids are not your responsibility. You have been extremely generous allowing her free rent. FAFO.
UpdateMe
Updateme
You know I’m going to be kind of honest here. I agree with the person that said, make sure you point out that she has gotten to live rent free because your family was helping her out and now she’s throwing a hissy fit because she’s going to have to pay rent. She actually got probably more in the value of the free rent. Then she deserved in child support. You and your children are not responsible for improving her children’s lifestyle
I get they’re half siblings. It’d be better if things were fair instead of being grateful that you’re providing stuff for the children you’re responsible for so that they can put their money into providing for the other children they are not. Instead, they’re bitching that you don’t do it for all of them so they can set on their ass, watch TV, play video games and let you foot the bill for their lifestyle. It’s arrogant, it’s entitled and it’s ridiculous
I would go one step further because I’m guessing that your family probably has an accountant, most likely somebody well versed in income tax accounting. I would ask a little question since they have gotten away for how many years without paying rent. Some cases that could actually be counted as income and if she hasn’t reported it on her income tax and an accountant thinks it could be counted as income. I think I might drop a tip off to the IRS because you know what she has taken advantage demanded push the envelope made your children’s life hell to the point where they don’t even want to be with her because she won’t make the other kids respect their belongings. I’m sorry but I don’t think you owe her the courtesy any longer
Talk to the accountant. Find out if that should have been taxable income to her and seriously make sure that you include when you talk to the accountant if they have responsibilities like mowing, lawn, shoveling the sidewalk, maintaining something. If they were given any of those things that they had to do in exchange for the free rent, then it could be considered payment for services rendered in which case it’s income and I would make sure to give the IRS all of that delightful information. I would take custody of your kids, stop the child support and let her sink or swim on her own. It’s not your fault
But it’s time for you to let her be responsible for everything she has created
NTA, She should have moved out as soon as she got married…You provide for your kids, not her, not her husband, not their kids.
NTA
NTA, the entitlement of the ex and her husband is off the charts. Living rent free in a property owned by the ex’s parents, ex isn’t working and expects to have the same lifestyle as OP.
you should ask for the majority of custody of your kids. problem solved, for you and them.
Your ex’s new husband needs to support his family. Not you.
NTA she should’ve been kicked out of your parents property as soon as she remarried. You’re better than me because I wouldnt have even made the parents property an option leaving her homeless and taking full custody of the children 🤷🏼♀️
Seems like the best solution is for your children to spend the majorityof their time with you. They are old enough that a judge might listen to what they want to do. If the children are with you more than your ex, she is the one who should be paying child support. I hope she hires an attorney who will tell her this. Document that she has been living rent free in a property owned by your parents.
NTA
I could be wrong, but isn’t this a repost?
NTA.
Your family has been subsidizing your ex’s expenses for years.
Now in response to problems entirely of her own making, she’s attempting to bite the hand that feeds her, and she’s surprised at the outcome?
Not very bright, is she?
The only thing I have an issue with is them not being allowed all their expensive technology at her house. Even if the kids don’t like it, its her rules. Everything else, yeah she needs to buck up and sort her life out.
One of your children is already old enough to seek through the court full time custody with you. The younger at 11 will qualify soon. Is there some reason you have not sought full custody with limited visitation?