I (22f) heard my dad call my mom a bitch and slap her in the face last night when we got home from a night out. I heard her say “why are you hitting me?” And I lost my shit. I screamed at him and called him a piece of shit and kinda lost it. According to my mom, he was wanting to sleep with her but she didn’t want to. After he slapped her she kicked him into the window to get him off her. This is where I don’t know if I should get involved.
I do feel bad for screaming at my dad like that, but I’m so angry that he reverted to physical violence.
My mom rushed out of her room sobbing and I let her sleep in my room for the night, while I slept on the couch. This has happened only 2-3 times before where my dad screamed at her for the same thing, but never hit. One time when this happened, they didn’t speak for 2 weeks until I told them this is making our household very awkward. I’m scared this will happen again. I have a 15 year old sister, and she is scared that they are going to split or something happens. I’m trying to console her in the best way I can, but it’s also affecting me.
My dad has not done something like this before, that I know of. So I don’t know where this anger is coming from. I’m not sure what to say to him when he comes home from work today because I know him and my mother will not be speaking until he apologizes (rightfully so). But I don’t want it to be awkward for me and my sister.
How should I approach this situation? And what should I do about my sister, who is worried about the new dynamic in the house?
Comments
I’m very sorry that you and your sister are having to experience this terrible situation.
Obviously, it is unacceptable for people to resort to physical violence.
If I were you, I would not get any more involved in this; you have made it very clear to your father that you regard his behavior as unacceptable.
It sounds like your mother knows how to defend and to take care of herself, which is a very good thing.
Respectfully, it is not your job to worry about where your father’s anger is coming from… that is something you cannot possibly know in any event.
I suspect that your mother has some insights into your father’s behavior, and she might be able to share those with you, but I would wait for her to initiate that conversation, if she chooses to do so.
Meantime, if I were you, I would continue to carry on as usual, and let your mom and dad sort things out on their own. Perhaps you can share your thoughts about this with your sister.
Your dad physically assaulted your mom because she wouldn’t have s** with him???
This is so beyond unacceptable that I don’t even have the words for it.
You said your dad has screamed at her before because of the same reason…this is obviously a pattern.
Patterns only escalate unless properly addressed and treated by a professional.
Your dad believes he is entitled to your mother’s body and it is only a matter of time before he forces himself on her altogether.
You need to encourage your mom to see the truth of this situation and leave him unless he seeks professional help.
He does not own her.
He does not have any rights over her or her body.
He does not get to hit her.
He does not get to scream at her
Screaming is just as much abuse as hitting.
Your mother deserves much more than just an apology.
Your father is abusive and dangerous and he needs professional help.
You and your sister can only encourage your mom to see the truth and help her get out as safely and quickly as possible if your dad isn’t willing to seek help.
Do not leave your mother alone with him, because you never know when things can escalate.
You did nothing wrong by yelling at your dad to defend your mom, that’s an entirely justified reaction to seeing someone being abused.
Please don’t be blind to the reality of this situation or things could get worse very quickly.
I’m sorry to put this so bluntly; but I’d rather burst your bubble than read a second post saying your dad SA’d your mom…or worse….
Domestic Violence is not about anger. It is about Control. He slapped her because he couldn’t co trol her response.
And let’s be clear. This was attempted/actual sexual assault. And its happened more than once.
Let’s clarify some information before deciding a next step. What country did this occur in?
Actually assault. No woman should be hit no matter what! Consult your om and maybe file a police report? I am so sorry this happened to you.
It sounds like your mom needs to leave your dad. There is no excuse for this behavior ever under any circumstance.
Your father is an abuser. She should never forgive him and leave
You should have called the police immediately and had him arrested. This will not get better. It will escalate until he hurts her seriously or worse.
File a complaint.
You shouldn’t have to be responsible for your entire family. Your Mom needs to leave your Dad unless he gets real help. He assaulted her because she wouldn’t have sex with him. That is not okay. Your whole family needs therapy. You can’t carry this on your own. Someone here said that you need to watch your mother because your father could hurt her again- that’s insane. You cannot be responsible for guarding your mother from your father. You don’t need to feel bad for doing what you had to do to protect your mom or for how you reacted to a situation you should never have to be in. This is not healthy for any of you. It’s better for your parents to be apart than for you all to live like this. I’m sorry that your parents have put you in this position. Please, even if they do nothing to better this very serious situation, you and your sister should get into therapy. It can really help. I hope things get better. Be safe.
You did the right thing! Your Dad should not have slapped your Mom.
Dad should know once you have kids sex is pretty much finished so why go crazy stupid move
You heard the slap from another room? Then your mother screamed why are you hitting me, before she pushes him a way to get him off of her?
I’m sure something happened but the story sounds dubious to me. Who screams why are you hitting me in the process of taking a defensive move of pushing somebody away. Unless her intent was to broadcast to everybody in the house that she had been hit, or so she says.
Maybe she hit him first?
Maybe that was the strike that you heard? But I’m doubtful you could hear a slap or strike from another room.
And that doesn’t even make sense he wanted to sleep with her she refuses he calls her a bitch and then slaps her. Anything’s possible but that just doesn’t ring as plausible. Especially if the father doesn’t have previous History of violence. Now if he was a gang banger named T-Dog I guess I could see it as possible.
I would say kill him (please dont this is (maybe) a joke), but i can’t due to the guidelines of reddit. So… call the cops and get his ass arrested.
(Im available if you want to dox him tho — I’ll get him VERY well known, dw 👀)
Next time, call 911. A night in jail will give him time to think about the consequences of his choices while he’s awaiting arraignment.
It’s likely there will be an order of protection and the ball rolls from there. He touches her again – that’s felony criminal contempt of court.
In the meantime your mom should talk to a domestic violence advocate / counselor – and consider speaking with a divorce attorney. These things don’t resolve themselves on their own.
In the meantime, your father needs to find a place to stay for a while (family member, friend, hotel, etc…).
Op I know this feels awkward for you and your sister but it will continue to be like that until your parents divorce. Sounds like your mother is staying in this relationship for you guys right now and that is not the way to go.
Your father has yelled at and then hit your mother. Once it became physical once it will continue to be like that until it gets worse. I would show your mom this post.
There are domestic violence shelters and you can always file a police report. Your father already does this when you guys are home meaning he will or has done much worse when only your mom and him were home.
I hope your mom has a job and if she doesn’t then she should start applying to stay out of the house as long as she can. Divorce has made many people who should of split up long ago much happier and their kids are happier too.
Encourage your mom to go to a domestic violence support group either online or in person.
You do not want to ever come home to a mom that has been SA’d and assaulted in any way. All abuse escalates and right now your father is seeing what he can get away with without consequences
mom has been assaulted all along , yall didn’t know : rape or still rape if it’s unwanted & forced EVEN IF MARRIED . He will continue this and seems as he ages is becoming more violent . Mom neeeds to get out or at least file some Charges . If he hit mom he WILL hit you n sister next
You need to call the police and share this , this is not ok , if he has started to hit now, it may be harder / worse next time !
You’re father sees your mother as an object.
Dude. Beat him up.
Report the abuse. She was assaulted. 💯
Call the police on your dad.
Call 911 if it happens again
You need to protect your mother first and foremost, and your sister. Your father is only going to escalate as time goes on. I realize this is the first time he has hit her but it’s gonna happen again. You need to sit your mom down and have a talk with her first before your dad comes home. Find out if this is ever happened while you your kids were never home and if she wants to get out. You also need to sit down with your sister and let her know that this is not a healthy relationship at this point that a man should never put his hands on a woman or your sister will end up in the same type of relationship and think it’s fine
He’s an abuser. He needs to go. Nothing else needs to be said.
You dad committed a crime. You can go to the police, or if you live in a town that has a woman’s crisis shelter they can help. First of all you don’t want to make things worse, esp if he might hurt your mom, you or your sister. On the other hand the safety of your mom and siblings might depend on you doing something to report it. An ER or even a fire station might be able to refer you. If you are attending uni, they have a counseling dept. Maybe a crisis intervention hot line? Are there relatives on your mother’s side of the family nearby?
Oh dear.
First, I’m sorry you’re in this moment. Second, you’re a kid and it’s not your job to do anything and I’m sorry you’re gonna have to do something. I hate that for you.
Mom ultimately has to decide if she is willing to give Dad another chance. It sounds to me like he is probably privately abusive in other ways. Verbally abusing someone because they don’t want sex is a big deal. If Mom is in a space where this seems like acceptable or normal behavior, mom is likely in an abusive dynamic in general. Abusers use death by a thousand cuts to get to a place where their victim accepts their misdeeds. Unfortunately, your dad’s probably an abusive jackass all around. You can try talking to mom. You can recommend mom get a therapist (she should). You can discuss the cycle of abuse with her, which is easy to find at: Domestic Violence Support | National Domestic Violence Hotline https://share.google/HG7I7Fhupe5px4pX7
Now for your sister, validate her concerns. Your parents might split. That’s ok. There will still be love in the family, and split parents is a marked improvement on parents who are trapped in an abuse dynamic. Hitting mom was never ok, and if the family comes apart because of it, it’s ok. Coercing mom into sex was never ok. If Mom leaves him for her safety, it’s the right thing for Mom. That’s also probably the right thing for you and your sister… And you know what else, it’s still ok for her (and you, even mom) to love Dad. This dynamic is emotionally complicated. Just be there for your sister.
Now for you – and this is the most important. Remember that this is not supposed to be your job. Have compassion with yourself because you’re not going to know what to do, and it’s ok. You should seek counseling for this as well, because therapists are full of strategies for navigating dynamics that you cannot control. That’s all you can do, is navigate and keep yourself as safe as you can. You can’t make dad stop. You can’t make mom leave. Get yourself some support.
ETA: you could call the police next time… But it could actually make things worse. As stated below, abuse is about control. Abusers get much worse when they feel they are losing control. Getting police involved can trigger some very dangerous responses. Work with mom to make a safety plan for the family. If she won’t, you can work with the hotlines to make a safety plan for yourself if you feel like you’re in danger. That whole process is ugly as fuck though. It’s a personal choice which hell you want to walk through. Don’t feel like it’s your responsibility to make this end and you have to take action. You don’t. You have to survive. And it’s enough.
Call the cops, get your mom to press charges and get a restraining order. Then change the locks and kick his ass to the curb. Then get your mom to a divorce lawyer. His behavior on all levels is unacceptable
Whether or not it’s a medical issue or something else, the safety of everyone is paramount. If he won’t leave, the rest of you need to do so. Find someone, a trusted family member, who can house you till a new home/apt can be found. Please file a police report . The report is a start for your mom and sister to get protection.
If mom won’t leave, see about getting your sister with a trusted family member. If she won’t let your sister move in with trusted relatives, even after reasoning with mom, you may need to call safe relatives to intervene, or child protective services would then need to be contacted.
Your parents need professional help. But they are adults and are responsible for the children’s well-being as well as their own.
Good luck to you.
I was the mom in an abusive situation. First, I’m sorry that you are being exposed to this. Secondly, your dad’s energy can get redirected towards you kids, so please don’t assume you are safe just because he’s your dad. Third, your mom needs to be separated from your dad. Once the hitting starts, it continues. Once they hit you they never regain their respect for you as a person. I’m sorry, and I wish your mom and your family peace and safety.
Im so sorry read this. Your parents need swift and appropriate therapy- and your mom has every right to press charges. I pray you all get the help you need.
Splitting up would be the best before he kills your mother! Even if he never would do this intentionally , you never know what the next slap brings if he hits her a bit to strong and she falls against a wall or something neckbreak can happen. Your mother will be dead and your dad go to prison and you both into foster care. So you better start to tell your sister the best you both can hope if they divorce.
And you both should go and talk to your mum that it’s not safe here anymore and you three should move out and away from him!
Next time tell them your dad you’ll be calling the police. He is a wife beater abuser. I could not stay married.
Divorce is the best example for your little sister.
wtf… that’s a dangerous situation for your family. Physical violence is never okay