So my (28F) younger sister (24F) and I have always had a rocky relationship. She’s the type who kind of floats through life, drops out of things, moves on quickly, never really takes accountability. We don’t hate each other but we’re not exactly close.
About two weeks ago she called me in a panic saying she got kicked out of her shared apartment because she hadn’t been paying rent again and asked if she could stay with me just for a bit.
I live alone in a small one-bedroom apartment. I work full time, I like my peace, and to be honest I’ve seen this pattern with her before — she couch-surfs, wears people down, and then leaves when things go south. I told her no. I offered to help her with groceries or help look for a temporary room rental but I said I wasn’t comfortable letting her stay with me.
She flipped. Said I was being heartless, that family helps family, and that I was lucky I had the kind of life I do. My mom is now involved and says I should just be kind and let her stay until she gets back on her feet.
But I’ve been through this exact thing twice before with her and both times it dragged on for months and ended with her either lying to me or leaving on bad terms.
So yeah, she’s technically homeless now (staying with a friend for the moment) but I feel like I have the right to protect my space. Still, now I’m the cold sister in the family chat.
AITAH?
Comments
Shes alrwady proven to you twice that she isnt grateful for the place to stay and that it will end badly. Tell her mom said she can stay with her
If mom is so worried about it let mom take care of HER kid. It’s not your responsibility to do what you’ve done twice before and gotten screwed. You’ve given her a chance on 2 occasions and she shit on you. It is time for her to grow up and learn to be an adult rather than continuing to leach off people’s good intentions and never learning to be a responsible adult.
Your mom is saying to let her stay with you, why doesn’t your mom have her stay with her?
NTA
Okay but if you know her track record and she’s admitted that she was kicked out due to not paying rent, then she’s only going to take advantage of you. How long are you supposed to wait for her to get back on her feet? If you open your doors to her then she’ll never leave and never have any reason do do something o help herself. She won’t learn any responsibility or independence, she’ll just learn that every time she fucks up you’ll fix it for her. She’s a grown ass woman fully capable of taking care of herself, and if she can’t that’s on her. You did not sign up to be her care provider. You are not obligated to fix her problems for her. Like if it was a one time thing and you were close and it was an honest “life is shit and I need a friends help for a month” situation then yeah, let her in. But if this is a lifelong thing of her being untrustworthy and unstable then the more you help her the more it’s going to hurt both of you in the long run. You offered help in other ways so it’s not like you told her to go fuck herself, you gave what you were comfortable giving.
Idk, maybe I’m just biased from being in your situation with my older sister (me 28F, sis is 30F) too many times, but at some point you have to set boundaries and put yourself first.
Tell Mom you’ll pay for your sister’s transportation to mom but that’s the only thing you can do. You’ve already housed her and been burned twice now. You’ve given your share.
You cannot afford it (to loose your peace) at this time, sorry.
NTA. Been there, done that, sister’s “emergencies” always seemed to pop up when she needed a free place to crash.
Why doesn’t your mom take her in? thats what parents are for.
NTA.
She’s homeless because of her inability to be a responsible adult. How is that your issue to fix?? Your family needs to stop coddling her and force her to grow the hell up. NTA.
NTA
Anyone who bitches can offer up their home for your sister.
You e done this twice. She’s a loser mooch who uses people until she burns them bad enough.
NTA – She can stay with your mother.
“Get back on her feet” – she had a place and she decided not to pay rent. How exactly will she get her poop back together?
Any family who grumps about this can let her stay with them.
NTA. If you’ve already been through it twice, you have every right to refuse to do it a third time (even if it was the first time, of course). Your mom’s perspective if distorted if she doesn’t recognize that your sister is hoping you will take responsibility when she refuses to.
Tell her the reason you have a place to live and she doesn’t isn’t luck. It’s the result of acting like a responsible adult.
Why can’t mom be kind and take her in?
Looks like mom volunteered to take her golden child back.
NTA – you did help. Twice. You’ve likely helped much more as well. She can live with your mom. Do not let her invade your space and take your peace. She needs to learn to adult and always being bailed out is clearly not helping
Why didn’t mom take her in? I notice in these stories relatives are always ready to pile on to the OP as rude and selfish and cold etc, but it’s never explained why they cant or won’t help out the mooch in the story!
No. It’s a whole sentence. It’s a sink or swim world, and someone has to balls up and let her learn to swim. You and others are NOT doing her favors by continuing to let her skirt through her adult responsibilities. Mother is an enabler for trying to bully you into it, as well. Why doesn’t Mommy want her back?
NTA. Mom can house her if she’s so concerned for her. Don’t ever give her another chance to invade your space and your peace. It’s better to be considered heartless than a sucker.
She’ll never move out
Your mom is telling YOU to roll over, so she doesn’t have to house your sister is my guess. Too bad. Your sister has used up her chances at your house, which wasn’t smart of her, so its on your mom to take her in. This is not your problem. This is your sisters self inflicted problem. Let her deal with it.
Give her this information and leave it at that. She’s not going to change until or unless she hits bottom. She’s responsible for her life and you are not her savior.
Why isn’t she staying with your mother, or any other concerned relative? NTA.
Shame you didn’t inform sis that it wasn’t luck that got you the life you have, it was hard work. She should try it.
Sis made her bed, now if she would just pay rent, she could lie in it.
Inform Sis that mom has decided to let her stay with them.
NTA
There’s an echo in here.
There are warm relatives in a family chat. She can stay with them. She can stay with your mom. Get a job there, get a room, start building renting history. Everything else is just the same patterns that you, celeverly, do not want to enable again. Good for you.
NTA
Is anyone in the family chat willing to house this train wreck?
I have a sister like this. It’s a never-ending nightmare.
Ntah why can’t she stay with mom? I personally have been in your shoes with my brother and you have to be strong and protect your peace. If she is safe for the moment then all is well but she apparently has a pattern of not being able to take care of herself so, she needs to work on that. Just bc you have been able to make ends meet doesn’t make you the bad person it makes you responsible and maybe you could show her some of the things you do to help her. That is what I ultimately ended up doing with my brother and he finally got on his feet. It took a while but he did it with education not a hand out. Good luck
NTA “Family helps family. And I have helped… several times only to be left pissed off and feeling used. Unfortunate sis doesn’t lead a life that helps others, only herself.
I’m not ‘lucky’ for the life I have. I built this life. It’s a result of maturity, honesty, and hard work. Things my sister seems to be allergic to.
I’m willing to throw in some cash for food or help look for rentals, but I’m no longer risking the peace of my home. Been there done that. The bridges sis sets on fire and the consequences of those choices are her own. Time for you to grow up and take accountability, sis. You’re getting a little too old for this bullshit.”
>and that I was lucky I had the kind of life I do.
Luck’s got less to do with it than the fact that you pay your fucking rent. If mom thinks she has an opinion on it, mom can take her in and put up with her antics. You’re NTA.
If your parents are alive thats her default not you.
Nope! NTA! Let your sister go live w your mom since she has an opinion about kindness.
I went through this twice. Moving in w you is the easiest thing she can think of. Let her stay on her friend’s couch or go to your moms. You’re 28 & should be enjoying your life, NOT having this toxic situation on your mind.
NTA. No is a complete sentence and is heartily advised. We once had a relative visit “for a short while.” After two years and three months (but who’s counting), we managed to get her to leave.
NTA.
The line family helps family always come out more as
Be the floor for family to walk over in my experience.
Your sister can go move back in with mom.
Well, if it was my kid, I would want them to live with you too! How dare she want to live with me!! How’s THAT for entitlement?
NTA, tell Mom to take her in if she has an opinion about it.
u/bot-sleuth-bot
Why won’t your mom take her in?
NTA, you’re in your right mind to keep your peace even if its with other family members. If you know she’s not taking accountability for her actions and her life choices, its not going to go down well living together.
If you want to, having the veracious conversation about why her life isn’t working out is the way to go, as it only requires commitment to talking. But even then, if you don’t want to, don’t.
If it’s already been a pattern I don’t think her claims of heartlessness hold water. You’ve done this dance before and learned that it sucked. That’s on her.
Sister should move in with her so very understanding, on anyone else’s part, mother!
Block her out of your life, NTA, ignore anyone who isn’t helping her themselves but expects you to.
Fool me once…
Let your mom have her. You’ve done your time.
NTA- I went through a similar thing with my little sister except I never let her stay with me. I knew her and did not want that in my life. My best friend growing up and my cousin all tried. They then said I should try but also admitted they kicked her out because to paraphrase, “was a lazy slob that felt entitled to other people taking care of her and did not want to work a 9-5 because that was not her thing.”
Tell your mom if she wants to help your sister she is welcome, but you have helped before, because “family” but eventually you have to try and break the cycle.
I will say I helped that best friend from growing up when she was homeless, and not my sister, and my sister was mad, but I knew the friend would work hard to get back to where she was, she had the drive to succeed on her own, where my sister did not have the drive to do anything but mooch off people.
NTA. Tell her to move in with Mom.
And why isn’t your mom offering to let her stay there? Oh, right, because mom knows exactly what’s coming. NTA – but do be sure and ask mom why sis isn’t welcome there next she mentions it…
Tell your mom that she should let your sister stay with her. Problem solved.
Nta
Those calling you cold can take her in. They are all so concerned with her so they can deal with it and leave you out. No is final sometimes.
You are willing to help family. She has refused the help you were willing to give. Your obligation to help family has been met.
Your mother can take your sister in if she feels so inclined.
NTA-In your situation and her lifestyle it will end badly. Look at her circumstances and attitude already. No way. I would never let my sister live with me no matter what happened.
Send her back to mum. She obviously needs a quieter life (ie somewhere where nothing happens) to reconsider her life choices.
You’ve already learned what she’s like to have around – what did you have to do the previous two times to get her out – presumably both times you “made her homeless” then too?
NTA. She will never grow up if people keep covering for her. You need to protect your peace and your space. Your sister needs to learn how to be a responsible adult. Saying no was the correct thing to do.
Let her stay with mom then. You’ve helped her out 2x already, it’s someone else’s turn.
Also, don’t let them make it your problem! I’m older than you but have 2 dysfunctional siblings w addiction issues. Please don’t let her manipulate you. She’s not homeless or living in the street. I would spend (waste) hours & hours looking for help but whatever I suggested was never good enough.
The easiest thing is going to be for you to do everything. The easiest for HER, not for you. Classic narcissist victim
NTA – She can stay with mom.
NTA she’s a grown woman who needs to learn to take care of herself.
Any time another family member interferes with YOUR (valid) decision and tells you that YOU should host/support/care for another family member, you tell them they are welcome to do so themselves. So, simply tell your mother that your sister needs to move in with her, problem solved.
Absolutely protect your space (and your sanity); if your sister wants similar stability in her life, she will need to work for it. Your offer of groceries or help finding a place is exactly the limit of what you should do. Maybe this will be the wake up call your sis needs; or have your mom take her in. Beggars can’t be choosers. Not sure why she wants to move in with you instead of mom, but if she doesn’t want the streets, that is where she needs to go.
Heh. Third time’s the charm, eh?
Tell your mother she’s welcome to house your sister; you’ve been there twice before and it hasn’t worked out so you expect it to not work out a third time & you’ve no patience for that shit.
I’m sorry for your sister but it’s about time she eats some consequences.
No,no and no. There are penalty of nice homeless shelters.
NTA
Nope Nope Nope let her be homeless she is a adult you have done it twice before and it ended badly.
Ignore everyone including mum she can go live there.
Always delete family chat
NTA. She can go live with your mom. If your mom lives in a different state, your sister can move there. You’ve given your sister 2 prior chances and she hasn’t learned.
You’re fine OP = you’ve been burned by her in the past several times and this not paying rent is a pattern with her. Necessity is the mother of invention – maybe next time she will place more of a priority on rent payments.
In these family chats, offer to buy her a plane/bus ticket to where these folks are located if one f them will take her in. Sit back and wait for all those multple offers (snort)
So you work full time. Have a tiny apartment. This qualifies you as lucky?? Sounds like you have worked to carve out a life for yourself. That’s not lucky, that’s planning, perseverance, direction, and responsibility.
Seems your sister is lacking in all those areas. Send her home to mom to be retrained. She’s already imposed on you twice.
NTA her lack of responsibility is not an emergency on your part. She sounds like the type who thinks everyone owes her a living. It’s telling she keeps getting kicked out for not paying any rent.
If mom wants to involve herself, she should also avail herself and offer a place to stay to your sister. I feel that you mom is wrong here.
NTA.
She has already burned you twice when you “did the right thing.” Tell mom you have exceeded your take-advantage-of-me limit with your sister. She has an obvious behavior pattern that you are no longer willing to subsidize. Mom is free to continue enabling her if she so chooses.
Why can’t live with her mom
Tell mom that SHE is also family and should support HER daughter.