Hey im an old guy who has never posted on reddit, but at the urging of my neice and nephew I’m going to attempt to post this here 🙂
So I (50M) have a neice and a nephew who are both 18 and just graduated. A few years ago when they were entering HS I made a deal with them, if they kept a B average their entire time in high school I would buy them any car of their choosing, within reason of course. We added a clause that they got 1 semester forgiven, so they were able to mess up one semester and I wouldn’t hold it against them, I felt like 7/8 semesters with a b average was pretty fair.
So my neice maintained her grades, she did mess up her sophomore year but otherwise was right on track. My nephew on the other hand pretty much never did right, we were lucky that he even passed every semester. I offered help, tutors, books, tried to make sure he was okay mentally, whatever he needed but turns out he just straight up was not doing his work. He was doing good on tests but would never do his actual work resulting in his grades being low.
So last week was when my neice got her car, she choose a 2025 Toyota camry. My nephew kept asking when he was going to get his, and I told him he didn’t stick to his end of the agreement so he did not get a car. He still got a very nice gift back at graduation. Now, him and his mom are angry with me and saying im favoring my neice and now he is refusing to speak to me or his sister. I don’t think I messed up but I’m starting to worry, AITA?
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Hey im an old guy who has never posted on reddit, but at the urging of my neice and nephew I’m going to attempt to post this here 🙂
So I (50M) have a neice and a nephew who are both 18 and just graduated. A few years ago when they were entering HS I made a deal with them, if they kept a B average their entire time in high school I would buy them any car of their choosing, within reason of course. We added a clause that they got 1 semester forgiven, so they were able to mess up one semester and I wouldn’t hold it against them, I felt like 7/8 semesters with a b average was pretty fair.
So my neice maintained her grades, she did mess up her sophomore year but otherwise was right on track. My nephew on the other hand pretty much never did right, we were lucky that he even passed every semester. I offered help, tutors, books, tried to make sure he was okay mentally, whatever he needed but turns out he just straight up was not doing his work. He was doing good on tests but would never do his actual work resulting in his grades being low.
So last week was when my neice got her car, she choose a 2025 Toyota camry. My nephew kept asking when he was going to get his, and I told him he didn’t stick to his end of the agreement so he did not get a car. He still got a very nice gift back at graduation. Now, him and his mom are angry with me and saying im favoring my neice and now he is refusing to speak to me or his sister. I don’t think I messed up but I’m starting to worry, AITA?
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA
NTA
If you had given him a car he would be learning that he will get what he wants even when he doesn’t stick to the deal.
NTA. You made the same offer to both, and he didn’t keep up his end.
NTA. Going through something similar with my own kids. I made mine “sign a contract” – obviously not legally binding, but proof that all terms were out on the table and there were no surprises. Play stupid games. Win stupid prizes.
NTA
He didn’t hold up his part of the agreement. And he still got a nice gift like you said. It may cause some personal drama inside the family but in reality you did nothing wrong. NTA!!
He knew the deal 4 years ago, it seems pretty clear. You don’t get something for nothing. Time for him to be a big boy!
NTA
It’s not favoritism when both are held to the same standard and one follows through and the other doesn’t.
He knew from the start what was expected of him to get a free car and he just didn’t put in the effort. That’s on him not anyone else.
A deals a deal, to take back is to steal.
NtaÂ
NTA
You made a deal and he chose to FAFO.
Academic struggles are one thing, but being irresponsible is quite another.
NTA. They both knew the deal, and your nephew chose to slack off, even after you went out of your way to support him and keep him on track. You even considered his mental health, which is more than a lot of parents (mine included) would’ve done when grades started slipping.
You stuck to your word, and he learned a valuable lesson. It also would’ve been incredibly unfair to your niece if all her hard work had been undermined just to reward her brother despite his lack of effort.
NTA – he didn’t keep up his end of the bargain.
No. He never did his work. It’s his own fault. Don’t feel bad. It will be an excellent learning experience.
Nope, NTA. He knew for four years what the deal was, he thought he could slack off and still get something.
Don’t wanna say you’re the AH but, if I was your nephew I am definitly holding this against you forever and I can imagine the everlasting jealousy of his sister now driving this car. He’s basically gonna be reminded every single day about it too. So maybe I am gonna be one of the few going against the grain actually, was a cool concept to motivate them but not everyone is (learns) the same and now he’s just gonna feel worse about it too, well done AH!
This should have been clear and I suspect the reason your nephew is a lazy ass is his mom enables it. Not good in the long run because the world is not going to put up with his type.
If you feel you need to get a car for him for the sake of family peace, make it a really used vehicle, commiserate to the efforts he put into his studies.
NTA.. It was a deal not favoring. Their just using that as a excuse
NTA he knew the terms. It would be a slap in the sisters face that she put in the work to get such a gift if you reward the other for not putting in the work. You could also set another goal for him to meet and give him a chance at redemption.
NTA – No matter how many times this happens, the gratitude of the giver is always judged for what they didn’t give to the undeserving.
Good for you for sticking to your deal, and not caving.
Your gift was CONDITIONED on 7/8 semester, minimum, with a B average or higher, minimum. Barely passing is not a B. Nephew did not meet the conditions. NTA.
Nta. He didn’t fulfill his end of the deal
Tell nephew stop being a wussies. He didn’t keep his end and who cares if he doesn’t talk to you. What are you losing? Nothing. Tell your sibling to buy their own son a car
Did his mom know the deal and agree with it too? There’s no reason for her to be upset with you too.
She should be thankful that you are so generous with her children!
People shouldn’t make these kinds of deals with kids, but I guess it’s too late now.
You are definitely NTA. You made a deal with them. The same deal, the same qualifiers. Your niece met the qualifications, your nephew did not. I don’t see how any of that is hard to understand. Let’s hope your nephew learns something from this experience, but I doubt he will, judging by his mother’s response to the situation. He’s going to be one of those people who goes through life never realizing he has to put effort into getting what he wants. He’s going to wait for everything to be handed to him.
What you offered for both these young people was very generous. You followed through with exactly what you said you would do and it was a very nice thing to do. You were prepared to buy both of them a car but your nephew didn’t put any effort into his end of the deal. He got what he deserved.
I hope you show all these answers to your nephew and his mother.
NTA this was an opportunity for them to learn.how to set and reach goals. Your niece reached hers. Your nephew is learning about long term consequences. They can be upset,
People nowadays don’t understand “conditional agreements.” You put conditions on it, he didn’t live up to it, just heard “I’m gonna get me a car!”
NTA
NTA. This was an amazing deal: become smart and have a car. I think all those who blame you, can buy a car for him if they feel it
NTA. Your nephew agreed to the terms & didn’t keep his end. Good learning experience for your nephew.
My son seems to be similar – does good on tests but awful with daily work – but we had him diagnosed with ADHD and have started him on medication, which is helping. Hopefully we’ll have him dialed in for high school. All of which is to say – a new car is a big deal and he and his mom should have been on top of things – but he didn’t, and it’s easier to be mad at you than in himself for not doing the work. It stinks being blamed wrongly, but NTA.
NTA
He knew the conditions so he cannot complain about the consequences of his (in)actions
NTA. Get the entitled one a bicycle and tell his Mom to butt out.
NTA
He thought he would still get one. His mother is the AH for not backing you up about the agreement. Suck it up buttercup and learn this valuable lesson in life.
Honestly, if they’re family…charity is up to you
NTA – actions have consequences. He made the choices here & it is a learning point for him.
NTA follow through the terms. This is an important learning opportunity for both of them.
It sounds like your nephew might be neurodivergent if he’s doing well on tests but not doing any of the homework. Has he been tested? Did he score higher than his sister/cousin on his SATs/ACTs?
NTA, he didn’t keep his grades up. His mom should be appreciative you bought her daughter a car.
NTA. I don’t even know what the argument is here. He made a deal, broke the deal, but still wants the prize for completing the deal. And if he’s not talking to his sister because HE screwed up…well…he’s a little b*tch then isn’t he? Dude needs to learn consequences are and it seems like he won’t learn them from mom. I hope the mom isn’t your sister, because I really don’t wanna call your sister an idiot, but mom’s an idiot.
UpdateMe
NTA, nephew just learned a life lesson and his mom is trying to ruin it.
NTA – in 10 years expect a phone call thanking you for holding him accountable because no one else ever did. This may truly be the first time he’s seeing the long term consequences of his actions
We had a similar deal with our kids. get Cs or better and we’ll provide a car for you. The older one was a good student and got good grades anyway. The “deal” was like a kiss of death for the younger one that sort of dropped out of school and life at that point. I wish things worked out better but wouldn’t change anything.
NTA. Y’all made an agreement, he didn’t keep up his part, period. UpdateMe
His mum is so entitled too it’s unbelievable. You gave a car to one of her kids and she’s throwing a fit cuz you didn’t give two cars!
Your niece will probably get a lot more use out of a car than she will out of your nephew, plus I don’t think we buy people to give to other people as gifts anymore.
I mean obviously NTA. But next time get it in writing just so you can reference to both of them that you meant what you said about the conditions. His mother is even worse for being more mad about the car than mad at him for not keeping up with his grades and schoolwork. Definitely belittle her and curse her out for acting so entitled.
Just curious what did his average grade end up being by the time of graduation? How did he even graduate if he never did his work lol
Nope. Actions have consequences. You told them both the same thing she stuck to it he didn’t 🤷🏻‍♀️
NTA. You’ll mess up if you change your mind because the niece stuck to the agreement.
Has your nephew explained why he thinks he ought to get a car even though he didn’t satisfy the agreement? If not, ask him to explain it. And keep asking “why” and other clarifying questions to allow him to get to “my actions are the direct result of why I don’t have a car from uncle”.
If he can get there, maybe this is salvageable eg – he has to pass all semesters of college at whatever agreed grade, to earn a car
NTA.
Getting him a car after breaking the deal would do more harm than good.
NTA- you gave them rules to follow, he didn’t, so he doesn’t a car. That’s the way the world works.
Nope. He didn’t keep his end of the agreement. But, I can tell where that came from. His mom. NTA Do not buy him a car. He needs the lesson very badly.
NTA it was a very attainable target and he didn’t put in the effort to reach it. Your niece did the work and got the reward. It would teach them both the wrong lesson if you got him one. Perhaps you can make a new deal for his post secondary education, can adjust it for a trade if he isn’t doing college/university. Now he knows that you’ll follow through on a deal but he has to actually uphold his end of the deal.
NTA. You made it very clear what was needed to achieve the car, you even allowed a semester screw up.
Your niece put in the work, your nephew didn’t. Buying a car for your nephew would not only be a bad move because it would enforce the idea that he doesn’t have to work for anything because he’ll always be given a pass. Trust me, my parents were like this with my brother and it did him NO favors.
It would also be a real slap in the face to your niece. “You worked hard for your car. Your brother slacked off and I bought him a car anyway.”
DO NOT DO THAT.
NTA. This isn’t close.
NTAH. He didn’t do the work. Your niece followed the agreement, she deserved the car. Your nephew is acting like a spoiled baby and needs to grow up. He needs to realize that the world isn’t going to just hand him whatever he wants. He’ll have to actually do work if and when he gets a job or he’ll be fired.
Hey I also want free stuff. Man what a low bar that kid couldn’t fulfill. I would doubt his driving ability.
Is 50 old now?
A deal’s a deal. Nephew is sour grapes
NTA and don’t crave in too. This is an important life lesson for him and his mom. 1) in life if you don’t do the work there consequences and for his mom 2) you need to let your kid deal with the consequences of his actions.
I would take his gift back if I were you. He sounds ungrateful. And tell his mom since you are favorite the niece, he don’t need nothing from you.
He wants a participation trophy. If you feel you have to get him a car, get him one that shows the level of effort he put forth. Maybe a Yugo?
NTA. He didn’t hold up his end of the bargain.
NTA.
You made a very generous offer, with conditions. Your nephew did not meet the conditions. That’s pretty black and white. If anyone had a problem, or thought the rules were unfair, the time for them to bring this up was BEFORE he graduated.
If you gave him a car, you would be doing him a disservice. You would be reinforcing to him that he doesn’t need to live up to his end of deals, and would be creating an adult with entitlement problems. You don’t want to be part of creating yet another human who thinks the world owes them something.
If you want to be at all deferential in order to save a family relationship, I recommend giving him a second chance. Give him a new target to earn a car. Put it in writing, including a clause that he understands that he will not receive a car if he does not fulfill the terms, EVEN IF THE FAILURE IS NOT HIS FAULT.
Hopefully this will give him another opportunity to learn the lesson that the initial offer failed to teach him: if you want something, you have to earn it. And failure is on you, even when things don’t go your way.
NTA you’re a good uncle
NTA. He didn’t abide by the terms, so he doesn’t get a car. I can’t imagine anyone siding with nephew.
NTA. If you want to make a point, go buy a brand new Hot wheel or Matchbox car and give it to him. He played at school knowing what was on the line, he can play with the toy car. When the inevitable complaint comes, tell your sister she insisted he be rewarded … this reward is on par with his efforts.
NTA, you would be if you did buy the car. He just learned that deals mean something. He didn’t do the work so he didn’t get the car. It would be hurtful to his sister if you bought him one too when only she did the work.
I have to say I think the whole idea of promising kids large gifts in return for getting good grades is problematic and fraught, but NTA in this specific scenario – you were very clear about the conditions of the agreement and he didn’t live up to them.
And from your description, it’s not as though it was due to factors out of his control – he did fine on tests but got bad grades because he wasn’t doing the homework. If you’re offered a reward in exchange for hard work, and you don’t do the work, you don’t get the reward. Sounds like a good life lesson to me. (Whereas buying him a car now would teach him that if you don’t do the work, you can just complain and get your mom to complain too, and then you’ll get the reward.)
NTA. You made him a generous offer. He didn’t follow through. Too bad for him!
Participation award goes to… lazy nephew? ETA NTA
NTA, but give him a chance to earn it back. A month of full time paychecks, complete a professional course, something like that
This is a valuable lesson learned at an early age! And I’m sure his mom gave him his sense of entitlement! Tell her she can buy a car for him if she want to reward laziness
NTA. he gets nothing and will like it.
You’d be more of an AH if you rewarded him because your niece would be cheated
Nta. You are doing him a favor by showing him actions have consequences. Please don’t buy him a car.
NTA you made a deal, he did not fulfill his end of the deal, so no reward. Why is that so difficult for him and his mother to understand?
Nta. My father had a much stricter deal of deans list for 2 semesters in a row and if we finished college the first go around he would pay for our education. 1 of 5 kids got the car and the free education.
You are most definitely NTA. There was a clear understanding of what was at stake. Your niece made good on her part of the bargain; your nephew did not. It would have been incredibly unfair to your niece if you had gotten a car for your nephew. Actions have consequences.
NTA- first, how lucky they are to have someone like you. Second, actions and consequences. The agreement was clear and now he wants to get the reward without putting in the work. It’s this type of entitlement that lands people in jail. You are doing him a favor but teaching him about choices and accountability for the consequences.
Nephew is TA for demanding something he did not earn. Such a low bar to earn a whole car, too.
NTA. You made a deal. You stuck to your desk. Your nephew is going to somehow have to learn that his choices have consequences.
NTA. seems like maybe he is spoiled? to even assume he would get a car after putting low effort into school and for his mom to also be upset?? weird. it’s not your fault your niece had her priorities in line and your nephew didn’t. this is a good learning experience and a wake up call
NTA. Part of life is learning to deal with not getting things when you don’t do the work.
NTA. Some lessons are hard to learn. Looks like he just learned one of those hard lessons.
NTA Don’t you dare cave! You are teaching your niblings a very important lesson on consequences and their ability to delay gratification (holding out for FOUR years is a long time for teens!)–your niece should be proud of herself.
It sucks for nephew — but this will be a core memory of how the world works. ALSO – his mom should know better and she should back you up!
YTA Not everyone is an academic, is he better at work involving manual skills, or other interests. Kids are individuals. Not everyone is going to work the same. He also could have undiagnosed ADHD. Gifts shouldn’t come with conditions .
Just adding on your niece seems smart just for choosing a Camry that will probably take her into her 30s.
Sucks for the hid, but that was the deal.
NTA, the rules were fair, articulated and reasonable.
That being said, it seems like you are in a solid spot financially, and would have been capable of following through with your promise. A compromise taking away a key aspect while still providing something might be nice. Get him a car, but something like 10 years old that is reliable, but not what he would want if he completed the challenge.
This gives him many of the freedoms of having a car without diminishing the accomplishment of your niece.
Also watch out for your niece being forced to “share.”
Just wanna hear some thoughts about a theoretical. So even I wanna say OP is not AH. But if this turns into a brother sister never being on good terms again. Probably means unc nephew also not on good terms. Probably makes other family members feel some type of way. How are people so deadset on lifelong family drama over finding some solution which basically means going back on agreed terms?
NTA you could always get your nephew a hot wheels car. Sub-par car for sub-par grades.
NTA.
To me, “maintaining a B average” would mean a cumulative GPA of 3.0 at graduation. But whatever you agreed to, she met the requirements and he didn’t. I wouldn’t be surprised if she was the one who came to you and asked forgiveness for one semester, after she “messed up” sophomore year. At that point your promise was a motivation for her.
Meanwhile, your nephew was nowhere near a 3.0 at the end of freshman year, so he knew he wasn’t getting a car and there was no motivation. Now he’s just pissed that she got her car, and it’s suddenly REAL.
You could come up with a different motivation for him. For example a good used car if he gets a technical certificate (like plumbing or electrical) or gets a B average for a year in community college.
PS. “niece.”
No I don’t think you are. This is a very hard lesson that hopefully someday he and apparently his mother will learn. In life there are consequences for their actions or in this case the lack there of.
“I did offer to buy him a car. He turned down my offer.”
Put it back on him. He had the offer for a free car, he chose not to accept the offer because it was contingent on him keeping up his grades. He had the option to do school work, and he chose not to.
It’s no different than if my mom offered to buy me a house, but it had to be in Iowa (for example). If I don’t want to move to Iowa, I don’t get a house. You made both niblings the same offer – one of them accepted the terms of the deal, the other didn’t.
If you were feeling generous, you could make the same offer to him again – this time based on him maintaining a B average in college or trade school (if appropriate) for 8 semesters. I’ll bet he turns it down again.
NTA.
NTA. Deal was clearly laid out with a little wiggle room. I like the fact that you were a man of your word. Your niece kept up her end of the bargain, while her brother did not. Guessing mom knew the details as well, so stick to the deal and don’t cave. What a great Uncle by the way! Damn I’d have kept a 4.0 if I knew there was a car on the line.
NTA. The deal was very clear and reasonable. If you give in and get him a car too, that will tell him that he can get rewarded for ignoring the terms of an agreement…and it will also tell your niece that her hard work doesn’t mean shit.
The nephew’s mom is a piece of work. She taught her son to be irresponsible & entitled – what a combo.
Your nephew is the way he is because his mom did not parent him
Textbook F*** around and find out. When it came to school he said “F*** it” nd now he’s finding out.
His mom probably instilled an attitude of “I get what I want because I want it, not whether I earned it.” Pretty typical of the past couple generations.
NTA. Great lesson to teach someone at that age. Don’t you dare go back on it. Mom may not care about her son, but good thing you care enough not to enable your nephew to think the world owes him something for doing nothing.
NTA. Your niece put in the work and he did not. He didn’t keep up his end of the deal. As my grandson says “it sucks to be him”
NTA.
You had a deal. He did not hold up to his end of the bargain. Your nephew is learning that actions have consequences. Stand firm.
Info: did he turn down the extra help? Does he have a learning disorder? Would you reconsider if he does a trade school/other path to independence and is successful?
Regardless of answers, NTA.
NTA. The mom, insisting that son be given a car as well, is disrespecting her daughter’s hard work all these years. This should be a very valuable learning life experience to your nephew.
I’m sorry you got slammed so badly from their mom just because you rewarded GOOD behavior. I’m just sad that the niece can’t be happier that she received such an awesome gift from a terrific uncle, dangit.
You did the right thing. You were fair. This also shows your nephew that you are a man of your word, you mean what you say, and that you honor your promises.