My mom and I had a great relationship- up until about when I was in college when she started having some serious mental health issues- depression and signs of bipolar and narcissism. We love each other deeply but she is a consistent victim.
My mom got remarried to my step dad when I was a preteen, they were married for several years and had my half sister,Jane, and then they got divorced. Then they got remarried again to each other. I attended both their 1st and 2nd weddings.
I had small ceremony and dinner for my wedding 3 months ago. My mom, step dad, and half sister traveled out west for this ceremony. It had always been the plan to have a large celebration reception a few months after the ceremony.
2 weeks ago- about 10 days before our big reception, my mother called me and reminded me about a sports tournament that Jane was participating in the same weekend of my wedding celebration. The plan was they were going to leave the tournament the night before the wedding and drive back home to be there for my celebration. During this call, she broke the news that if Jane’s team was doing well and winning, that my step dad would stay back with Jane to play out the tournament and miss the celebration. We made an agreement that despite how Jane’s team was playing, she would need to rent a car and drive home to be back all day for my wedding celebration.
1 day before my wedding she called me and tried to tell me that she had changed her mind and is staying back because Jane’s team was performing better than they originally thought. She did not give me a final answer during this call, started to panic, and ultimately told me she’d call me later. She never called me later.
She then had a convo with my older sister and said she would not be coming. She said I “needed to put my big girl pants on and realize that her plan is to stay back with Jane.” I found out about this conversation from my sister less than 24 hours before my celebration.
The morning of she texted me and said “I had a great time with you and your husband out west for your wedding. It was a beautiful day”, reiterating that she was present for the ceremony and that she was sorry she couldn’t be here. My response was brief and cold. I told her to communicate her lack of attendance to my family and her friends whom I invited so that I would not be answering questions all day about the whereabouts of my mother and her family. She told me she was sorry again and asked if the day after the celebration me and my husband could drive to their house since they’d be done with the tournament by this time and visit with them. I ignored her.
I am now driving the 10 hours home 3 days after my celebration. Am I overreacting for her not being there because this is the “celebration” and not the actual “wedding day ceremony”. Was I asking too much of her to attend both celebrations? Am I being a selfish sister to Jane? Am I being an asshole for not trying to see my mom before leaving?
Comments
^^^^AUTOMOD Thanks for posting! READ THIS COMMENT – DO NOT SKIM. This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read this before contacting the mod team.
My mom and I had a great relationship- up until about when I was in college when she started having some serious mental health issues- depression and signs of bipolar and narcissism. We love each other deeply but she is a consistent victim.
My mom got remarried to my step dad when I was a preteen, they were married for several years and had my half sister,Jane, and then they got divorced. Then they got remarried again to each other. I attended both their 1st and 2nd weddings.
I had small ceremony and dinner for my wedding 3 months ago. My mom, step dad, and half sister traveled out west for this ceremony. It had always been the plan to have a large celebration reception a few months after the ceremony.
2 weeks ago- about 10 days before our big reception, my mother called me and reminded me about a sports tournament that Jane was participating in the same weekend of my wedding celebration. The plan was they were going to leave the tournament the night before the wedding and drive back home to be there for my celebration. During this call, she broke the news that if Jane’s team was doing well and winning, that my step dad would stay back with Jane to play out the tournament and miss the celebration. We made an agreement that despite how Jane’s team was playing, she would need to rent a car and drive home to be back all day for my wedding celebration.
1 day before my wedding she called me and tried to tell me that she had changed her mind and is staying back because Jane’s team was performing better than they originally thought. She did not give me a final answer during this call, started to panic, and ultimately told me she’d call me later. She never called me later.
She then had a convo with my older sister and said she would not be coming. She said I “needed to put my big girl pants on and realize that her plan is to stay back with Jane.” I found out about this conversation from my sister less than 24 hours before my celebration.
The morning of she texted me and said “I had a great time with you and your husband out west for your wedding. It was a beautiful day”, reiterating that she was present for the ceremony and that she was sorry she couldn’t be here. My response was brief and cold. I told her to communicate her lack of attendance to my family and her friends whom I invited so that I would not be answering questions all day about the whereabouts of my mother and her family. She told me she was sorry again and asked if the day after the celebration me and my husband could drive to their house since they’d be done with the tournament by this time and visit with them. I ignored her.
I am now driving the 10 hours home 3 days after my celebration. Am I overreacting for her not being there because this is the “celebration” and not the actual “wedding day ceremony”. Was I asking too much of her to attend both celebrations? Am I being a selfish sister to Jane? Am I being an asshole for not trying to see my mom before leaving?
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our voting guide here, and remember to use only one judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> Am I the asshole for being angry at my mom, being cold with her and not accepting her apology, and avoiding her requests to see me before we left to go home?
Help keep the sub engaging!
Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
Click Here For Our Rules and Click Here For Our FAQ
Subreddit Announcements
Follow the link above to learn more
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA
NTA but don’t go anywhere. She’s in the wrong, if she wants to celebrate, she should make up for it, not you. But I wouldn’t just sweep it under the rug, this would be at least LC for a while for me. She showed how little she cared about you. I get that a tournament is important but it’s not compared to a wedding. I would think about your relationship with her. Congrats on your wedding.
NTA – that’s a lot of self centered attitude in a short post. You’re not the asshole for trying to focus on your family when she shows clear disregard for anything not directly revolving around her.
NTA. You aren’t the asshole for having feelings about your mom bailing.
I don’t think she’s the asshole for bailing.
I say this as a mother of adult children and school aged children (24,20,13). Had I gone to my sons wedding, then he was having another celebratory dinner afterwards, but a tournament came up for my other son, I know I’d likely choose to go to my youngest sons tournament, especially if I was already there. I know this will hurt my oldest son’s feelings. His feelings are adult feelings. My youngest son would have hurt feelings if I weren’t there to see his team doing so well. His feelings are child’s feelings. One or the other will have hurt feelings but only one depends on me to help with those emotions on a daily basis…
You can have feelings towards your mom and not be an asshole for them. Jane may not understand now, but one day she will. Is this a hill to die on? Only you can decide that.
It would depend on if you knew that your sister had a significant event on that date when you scheduled your reception?
NTA. She put a sports event ahead of your wedding. It might be because of her mental health issues, but still; you can’t depend on her. Your answer to her was good.
Why are you driving the ten hours home after your celebration? If it’s to visit your mother, don’t. If they can’t put the effort in for you, don’t put the effort in for them.
ESH….Mom should not have said twenty different ways that she was coming and then backed out completely. Mom should have also driven to see you the next day and should not have requested that you drive to her.
Mom attended your actual wedding and the dinner.
When you have a child with sports, (which one day, if you so choose, you will find out that depending on the sport), it tends to take over a lot of a family’s time. If the team does well, they continue on. If not, they go home.
I would have given an NTA if mom had not been at your actual wedding, but she was at your wedding and celebrated with you then, which was a more intimate setting. At the celebration, how much would have spent together anyway?
INFO: What type of tournament was it? How old is Jane?
NTA
I thought this was an RBN post honestly.
This is against the grain but I’m going to say ESH. I think you are overreacting to her missing this party when she already attended your actual wedding, traveling a long distance to do so. However, I’m also dinging her for not putting her own “big girl pants” on and just telling you straight up in the first place that she wasn’t going to come to the party if the sports tournament was still going on.
She blew you off. Let her sweat it out. I wound’t say to go no contact for good or such but some sort of priority adjustments are in order and consequences.
NTA
YTA.
This isn’t even a real wedding, wtf are you on about? I’ve never heard of a “wedding celebration”.
NTA. She has her priorities and unfortunately you aren’t one.
You arranged the reception 10 hrs from your home so your family and friends from your hometown could all attend. That’s a huge compromise.
Yes, sports can take over – especially during tournament season. However, your mother could have gone to your reception while stepdad stayed with Jane. Instead she got defensive about her own decision. She knows she was wrong, but she’s not going to admit it.
NTA.
NTA when you have multiple children you can be pulled in many directions, but Jane had her father and your Mother should have been there for you. They are both big moments for each of you, but the divide and conquer method would have been the best choice. She still would have been there for part of Janes event.
NTA
ESH but I feel like we are missing information. FWIW, I also have a mom who is bipolar and possibly borderline.
This wasn’t a wedding, it was a reception after the actual wedding. You keep using the terms as if they’re interchangeable.
Did you know about the tournament when you scheduled? Because you say your mom reminded you, which implies you knew about it ahead of time.
You say your mom tried to tell you she had changed her mind but then “she wouldn’t give me a final answer…started to panic, ended the call.” What exactly happened? Because if she told you, she gave you an answer.
Did you ever consider your stepdad didn’t want her to spend the money on a rental? Or they didn’t have it. It says something to me that she at least tried to reach out to you the morning of the event, and didn’t just try to ignore it. And that she said she was sorry. IME, difficult people don’t apologize.
Updateme
NTA. A travel team tournament is not as important as your celebration. This is not the CIF championship. Your mom is the AH, here.
NTA. and ten bucks Mom and step step-dad get divorced again.
NTA This was your wedding reception, for all intents and purposes, and she skipped out on it. The mother of the bride has a role to play- supporting the bride, greeting guests, being there for photos. She left you in the lurch and took the focus away from the joy of the day. It’s sad enough that your step-sister and step-dad can’t attend (though more understandable), but she could have easily let them handle the sports tournament and prioritized your wedding reception.
All that said, your feelings are valid. I hope you can vent those feelings out, block your mom for a bit (or just turn off notifications,) and focus on all the good moments at your reception. Put a big stop sign up in your mind every time you want to think of her! Talk with your hubby about all the good and funny memories you’ll keep from the day. That’s what you want to hold on to in your heart.
Updateme
It doesn’t matter the purpose of the event.
What matters is you gave a years notice, your mom said she’d attend, she then said attendance was dependant on a sports tournament, then she confirmed to a third party that she wasn’t going to attend.
That’s all a bit rude and you are NTA for being upset, or for not putting yourself out to meet up with her after the event at her convenience.
You go back and forth calling it a wedding and also a wedding celebration. My understanding is that your mom, stepfather and sister made the trip out to your wedding several months ago. Several months later you decided to have a larger party/reception further celebrating your wedding and your mom had another event with your young sister that she needed to attend. While your sister’s event isn’t as important as your wedding, it also didn’t take precedence over it — because your mom attended your wedding.
I dont think you’re an AH for having feelings of disappointment that your Mom wasn’t there. But don’t necessarily think your Mom is an AH either. Life happens. She has another child who’s still a child and needs her in different ways. Sometimes parents and children will disappoint one another. Sometimes we can talk and hug it out. And sometimes we can’t. Hopefully it’s the former for you guys.
NTA. And i dont believe some comments i read.
Its a kids game!!!! Its stupid to choose that over a family thing like a wedding celebration!
A mother AND a sister (dont know what her age is) rather go to a sport thing, instead of this celebration? At the most, the kid could stay with her father and the mother go to the wedding!
Crazy! Specially because OP let them know 1 year in advance!
OP, you obviously are not a priority in your mothers life. She has a “real” family and then she has you. Sorry about this. Focus on you.
NTA. Mom is in the wrong here and your reaction was appropriate. If mom had just told you straight out she couldn’t go, that wouldn’t make her the AH. But instead she bailed in a flaky, cowardly way at the last minute, and also caused you stress and embarrassment as far as other guests/ family members, and then demanded you drive out to her the next day. Total AH behavior on mom’s part.
My parents planned a family vacation (I’m the oldest of three) for the summer when I had started my first adult job. My brother was in high school, and his travel baseball team went deep into a big tournament and into the vacation week. I’ve got a lot of issues with my parents these days (among them narcissism), but they made it clear my brother would be missed, wished him good luck and we embarked on vacation without him. I’m sure it was hard for them, but they also recognized that my sister and I had to ask off work/arrange schedules far ahead of time, and canceling a vacation over a sports tournament — and they were very involved in my brother’s sports, going to all of his games — would have been ridiculous. He was missed, but the planning involved and the money that would have been wasted did not outweigh a sports tournament. And this was just a vacation, not a wedding!
NTA. It’s a good lesson for kids to learn that their parents can’t be there for everything, and that is OK. They get room to deal with disappointment, learn they aren’t the center of the universe, and that some family events are just bigger than others. (I played sports, too, so it’s not like I don’t get it.) It was perfectly acceptable for your stepdad to stay back for kid-logistics purposes … parents have to split duties all the time. This was unacceptable of your mom.
ESH. She was at the actual ceremony. You chose the date of your reception and it happened to coincide with Jane’s tournament. Your mom can’t be in two places at once. She was at your big day and Jane’s as well. You are the AH for expecting her to leave the tournament and drive to you, for a reception.
She’s the AH for not just telling you in the first place that she would be at Jane’s tournament until the end.
NTA, high school sports have tournaments all the time. Your mother could certainly have missed some of it to come to the celebration you were having close to home to make it easier for family and friends. She is TA for missing a (hopefully) once in a lifetime wedding reception for one of her children to attend a sporting event that there will be countless of as long as your sister continues to play. Its a no-brainer.
YNTA. I think it’s totally fair to be upset that your mom is missing your receptions for your sisters tournament. I think she is TA in this situation for not being able to communicate clearly that she was going to miss it, and then going to your other sister instead of you. I think it’s also unreasonable for her to ask you to come visit her the day after. If she missed the event, she should be making it up to you.
“She said I “needed to put my big girl pants on and realize that her plan is to stay back with Jane.” “
She needed to put on her big girl pants and be honest with you. She didn’t want to disappoint you, but she was a coward and made your sister do it. That is totally unacceptable and AH territory