I’m at a crossroads and I honestly want to know if I’m being petty, or if anyone would feel the same in my shoes. Someone has repeatedly remotely accessed my private conversations. I’ve discovered the likely access source and I’m trying to decide if I should take the high road and secure everything and move on or choose the asshole road and try to prove it/fight.
My ex and I lived together for years. Since I moved out, I’ve discovered a disturbing pattern: he’s repeatedly found ways to access my private life remotely. He’s dropped in on my Alexa devices, I’ve caught him catfishing me on dating apps (he admitted it), and I strongly suspect he’s still intercepting my phone data. And the worst part? He never fully admits it but he hints enough to confirm. He’ll quote things I’ve said, flash this smug little grin, and make comments that tell me he knows way more than he should. Enough to leave me spiraling, but not enough that the police care.
One of the first big moments: I was on the phone with friend having a very private, funny, kind of scandalous girl talk moment (not involving him). I said something I never would have said in any other context. The next day, he said the exact same words to me. He didn’t just drop the phrase, he repeated it word-for-word, looked me in the eye, smirked, and walked away.
At the time, I had no idea what was going on. I went down every possible rabbit hole — hidden mic? Is my phone hacked? Did someone overhear me? Eventually I discovered he had access to the Alexa app I barely used and was dropping in on my devices without my knowledge. When I finally I confronted him, he laughed. He paid to replace my Alexas with Apple HomePods, like it was a joke to him.
We didn’t speak much for a while. But a few months ago, it happened again. (We have children we share custody of, the only reason we EVER speak). Another private phone conversation, another phrase thrown back at me. When I asked him directly, he just smiled and said something along the lines of, “You won’t figure it out.”
Here’s where I’m stuck: I know how to secure myself now. I’ve confirmed the source of access is likely attached to my old device old Apple ID and phone number, and access to my current Wi-FI. I could reset my router, hire pros to reconfigure everything, wipe my devices, get a completely clean Apple ID, and just… move on. But part of me wants justice. Or at least proof.
So… AITA if I don’t just let it go and move on, even though I have a clear path to do so now? Am I the asshole for wanting to catch him, for wanting confirmation instead of simply escaping?
Would you fight? Or would you let it go?
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I’m at a crossroads and I honestly want to know if I’m being petty, or if anyone would feel the same in my shoes. Someone has repeatedly remotely accessed my private conversations. I’ve discovered the likely access source and I’m trying to decide if I should take the high road and secure everything and move on or choose the asshole road and try to prove it/fight.
My ex and I lived together for years. Since I moved out, I’ve discovered a disturbing pattern: he’s repeatedly found ways to access my private life remotely. He’s dropped in on my Alexa devices, I’ve caught him catfishing me on dating apps (he admitted it), and I strongly suspect he’s still intercepting my phone data. And the worst part? He never fully admits it but he hints enough to confirm. He’ll quote things I’ve said, flash this smug little grin, and make comments that tell me he knows way more than he should. Enough to leave me spiraling, but not enough that the police care.
One of the first big moments: I was on the phone with friend having a very private, funny, kind of scandalous girl talk moment (not involving him). I said something I never would have said in any other context. The next day, he said the exact same words to me. He didn’t just drop the phrase, he repeated it word-for-word, looked me in the eye, smirked, and walked away.
At the time, I had no idea what was going on. I went down every possible rabbit hole — hidden mic? Is my phone hacked? Did someone overhear me? Eventually I discovered he had access to the Alexa app I barely used and was dropping in on my devices without my knowledge. When I finally I confronted him, he laughed. He paid to replace my Alexas with Apple HomePods, like it was a joke to him.
We didn’t speak much for a while. But a few months ago, it happened again. (We have children we share custody of, the only reason we EVER speak). Another private phone conversation, another phrase thrown back at me. When I asked him directly, he just smiled and said something along the lines of, “You won’t figure it out.”
Here’s where I’m stuck: I know how to secure myself now. I’ve confirmed the source of access is likely attached to my old device old Apple ID and phone number, and access to my current Wi-FI. I could reset my router, hire pros to reconfigure everything, wipe my devices, get a completely clean Apple ID, and just… move on. But part of me wants justice. Or at least proof.
So… AITA if I don’t just let it go and move on, even though I have a clear path to do so now? Am I the asshole for wanting to catch him, for wanting confirmation instead of simply escaping?
Would you fight? Or would you let it go?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> So I am contemplating taking an action that I think might make me the asshole. I have the opportunity to prevent myself from getting spied on in the future, but I am considering fighting and going after the person doing it instead, so I feel like that could potentially make me the asshole in the sense that I’m being petty. I have an opportunity to secure myself and prevent it from happening in the future, but I’m contemplating choosing a fight instead .
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
I would take immediate steps to secure my wifi and device. I would not engage with him beyond what is necessary for the children and I would use one of those coparenting apps and put everything in writing.
He is spying on you. I don’t know if there is a way to scour your house for hidden cameras. I don’t think you are taking this seriously enough, to be honest. This is stalker behavior, and it’s very concerning.
NTA
You have all the proof you need. Secure your shit and protect yourself.
NTA, but don’t try to play his game. This could turn dangerous.
NTA your ex is a crazy stalker. Protect yourself immediately. I’d recommend going to the police with proof if you can, they may not be able to arrest him but it will create a record.
INFO: You said ‘not enough that police care’, is that an assumption or have the police told you that?
Which ever it is, and in addition to any other technological or legal advice people offer, I’d say ‘document, document, document’.
Keep a log of everything you think he has accessed, when you said things, when he echoed them etc. don’t store it electronically or anywhere a visitor to your house can find it. If there is a family member or friend that you absolutely trust, you should share it with them.
This is to guard against being gaslit, to help you spot patterns and ultimately to be your voice if you can’t be.
Also, what ages are your children?
NTA whatever you decide. If you can prove a crime, I would get the police involved. If the police are not interested, then just stop it from happening and move on.
I see absolutely no benefit in “catching him” just to get in his face about it. He’s your ex for a reason. No need to find further opportunities to engage.
NTA, it’s time for a full security audit. You can both collect evidence AND secure yourself against further invasions of privacy. There’s some stuff you can do alone, secure your WiFi, get rid of Alexa-adjacent devices (this is just a good idea in general tbh), look for remote access programs hidden on your devices, etc. While you’re doing these things, archive everything, and don’t archive it on your phone. Something like MEGA would be a good idea, just as long as it’s encrypted. Get a professional involved and when you’re ready, take your evidence and lawyer up. Best of luck to you, stay safe.
Why would you let him buy you another device to replace the Alexa?!?!?!! That’s the first thing I would suspect
this is stalker behavior you need to get the police involved
With all this evidence and you still trying to catch him? 😵💫 you’ve been here all that evidence you need. Not sure why are you trying to confront him he has even admitted it most times.
Whether I would fight or let it go would depend on money. If you can afford a cyber team to prove it and a lawyer to sue him or get a restraining order, I would. But if money is tight, I’d clear everything. And check your children’s articles of clothing or bags for electronic spy items.
NTA
I understand your concerns that the police may not be a helpful resources. I unfortunately think that’s a likely outcome. But having a report on file is useful for other reasons, particularly if things continue to escalate or you want an order of protection or something. Document everything, report it to the police, then kick his ass out of your tech
So you have an iPhone? Does he have one of those hidden parental apps? Make a fake dating profile for some dude off of another device. Send messages that would make Satan blush.
NTA
The person who advised doing a full security audit and archive is absolutely spot on.
I was thinking of various ways you could set him up to out himself so you had proof to show his family, friends, colleagues, police and lawyers what he’s doing. Or to make him paranoid that you’re sharing info or that his family or friends are helping you build a case against him. Meet with a “private detective” who will “build a strong case against him” so you can sue him and his family into poverty for the next 3 generations….
Or not. Probably better to do the security sweep.
I’d call the police and get a restraining order.
YTA for potentially putting your kids in danger by allowing this to continue.