Summarized: Is there any way I can stop myself from initiating sex in my sleep, I know it blurs the lines of consent and I feel badly about my girlfriend going along with it because she “wants me to be happy”?
Hi everyone, I want to clarify right off the bat that my girlfriend and I have very open communication about our sexual interactions and we have talked about this behaviour occurring recently (we have both talked about the importance of consent and wanting to make each other feel safe and respected in the relationship).
Usually it happens when we abstain from having sex before bed. I wake up from an odd sexual feeling dream where I’m (this will sound odd) working construction on a large infrastructure project, like excavating an old dam. So weird dude. I often find my girlfriend grinding on me and I’m fully engaged, with my arms around her and everything. The first time this happened I continued with the act and we talked about it afterward, and I could tell she was a bit shaken by the interaction, and as it turns out I was the one who had initiated the sex by touching her (she said I was saying her name and feeling her up. I’ve been known to talk and move around in my sleep and this is my first sexual partner so I guess this is something I never considered as a possible unconscious behaviour for myself). Now when it happens I stop myself and ask how the interaction started, swiftly apologize and we usually chat in bed for a while afterwards.
I really feel torn about making her feel uncomfortable and have expressed this to her. She’s expressed that she has a deep desire to make me happy even if it contradicts her boundaries. Has anyone else dealt with a similar issue.
I appreciate any input,
Thanks everyone.
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Do you suffer from sexsomnia or something similar?
OP… Can someone enlighten me on how to tell when you’re just sleep-fumbling about versus actually awake and initiating? Been there, not that sexually aggressive though. I’d suggest a sleep tracker or app, set it up before bed, and log events afterwards.
Do you remember the name of the construction company you were working for in your dream, or where the infrastructure project was taking place?
Me and my ex had this happen a few times. We would fall asleep together and id end up waking up to her grinding on me or me grinding on her. We were both asleep and just started going at it subconsciously. I think its a matter of when you wake up make sure she is also awake and ask her if she wants you to stop…If she says no then go to town… If shes doesn’t want to then just say sorry and go back to sleep. its really not that big of a deal, your overthinking it.
You and your partner sound very sweet, although from this little blurb, it sounds like she has flimsy boundaries (I know you’re not asking about that, but I just want you to keep an eye on that and make sure you are both patient with each other and communicating as much as you are able). That being said, it sounds like you could have a sleep disorder, like sleepwalking or something? I’ve read about it somewhere, but I don’t remember what it was exactly. Visiting a doctor or a sleep clinic might be pretty beneficial to you! Getting to the bottom of what exactly this could be will probably be your best bet moving forward for getting this sort of thing under control. As for the subtext of your question: like I said, your partner seems to have weak boundaries, and you seem to be more aware of this than she is. I’m not a doctor, but if it’s making her really uncomfortable, and you really don’t want to be doing that, then maybe sleeping separately until you get to the bottom of things might be a good idea? That, or, like, having a cheeky pre-bedtime wank? (Seriously I’m not a doctor)
Sexsomnia is usually indicative of an issue with your sleep schedule.
The most concerning part of this is the “even if it contradicts her boundaries”. A partner who doesn’t want to say no is a partner who isn’t safe to have sex with.
I’m gonna remember this one – next time I feel horny at night I’ll pretend to be sleeping and just roll over and slide it in – when she says “WTF u doing” I’ll just say “laying a foundation
Sexsomnia really messes with the mind, waking up to boning is some trippy shit, maybe explore talking it out with a therapist for deeper insights into your subconscious desires…
This is nonsense. Get yourself sorted. It’s kind of rapey and you know that.
If you actually have this sexsomnia then congratulations you are less than 1% of the general population that actually experiences this. Go to a sleep clinic and get studied. It’s kind of your responsibility now that you suspect this is the case. I’d suggest getting it sorted out, before something bad happens in this relationship or the next.
Is there alcohol in the picture?
I used to have this happen to me at a time when I was still drinking (don’t anymore).