I (24F) have been with my boyfriend (26M) for almost two years. We moved in together last fall, mostly because his lease ended and I had the space. At first it was fun — late night snacks, watching dumb shows, waking up next to each other — but lately it just feels like I’ve adopted a very large, very lazy teenage son.
He doesn’t clean. Like, at all. Dishes pile up until I do them. Trash gets full and he’ll just keep cramming stuff in until I take it out. I asked him to vacuum once and he legit said, “I didn’t notice it was dirty.” Dude. We have a white rug and a black cat. It’s noticeable.
On top of that, he’s currently unemployed (laid off a few months ago), but instead of job hunting, he spends most of the day gaming and “waiting for the right opportunity.” I’ve tried to be supportive — I know job stuff is hard and demoralizing — but I also work full time, cook most of our meals, and pay more than half the bills. He hasn’t offered to pick up extra chores while he’s home all day, and I’m starting to feel seriously resentful.
Any time I bring it up, he either jokes it off or gets defensive. He’ll say stuff like “I’m not trying to mooch off you” or “you’re acting like I’m a burden,” but… that’s kind of how I feel.
I still love him, but I’m starting to lose respect. I don’t want to nag or parent him, but I also don’t want to spend my 20s cleaning up after a man who treats me like a backup plan.
Has anyone been through something like this? How do I have this conversation without it turning into a fight? Is it possible to fix this or am I wasting my time?
Any honest advice would be appreciated.
Comments
girl you’re dating a roommate with benefits at this point. if he’s not bringing effort, respect, or chores to the table, why are you still setting it? love doesn’t mean carrying dead weight. you’re not his mom either he grows up or you dip.
You’re not dating a partner you’re raising a project, and love can’t survive when respect packs up and leaves. Sit him down, lay it out with calm honesty you’re building a life, not hosting a long-term sleepover either he grows up or you outgrow him.
You know the answer, but it’s hard. But you’ll be happy once you made it.
Girl you NEED to blow up that relationship. You didn’t sign up to be a mother.
Girl you are wasting your time.
See if he is interested in the military whether active or my recommendation a local air national guard unit, I was this was and the structure and discipline saved me it’s not for everyone but just what u did.
I think you know your relationship is over and you are hoping one of us here is going to have a magic answer to save it because you still love him
I’m sorry, there’s none.
It’s not your fault, he’s not ready and he won’t change although he may make some short term effort.
Good luck
Sorry for being blunt
Why do they always lose the job as soon as they move in with the woman? He knows what he’s doing and he’s going to use you until you put him out or you are tired of him he’s very well aware of what he’s doing to you. He’s enjoying life while you work and be his mama and his slave. Stop giving these men wife benefits why they give you nothing.. what you do is give them alternative if he’s not going to help out and change he needs to go and find him a new place.
He is mooching off you.
You need to be real with him. Either he carries his weight or he moves out.
hahaha…..serriously…..you need to blow the relationship up……he is always going to be a man baby. Also, learn a lesson from this!
Hey I can understand where you’re coming from here. I am the guy and I have been the bad bf being lazy and also the hyper motivated good bf.
Your boyfriends biggest problem is going to be he lacks vision. His dreams and goals should be so loud that everything else seems like noise.
People hate that I say it but someone like Andrew Tate would be good for him, your bf more or less needs to hear hes not that guy and that hes letting everyone down. Because he is.
This is not to point the finger and put him down, remember we battle our vices and grapple with our shortcomings all the damn time, its not always easy. This is more so because your man possesses the endless building blocks to become a superhero, but he has no reason to try and challenge himself.
You have to start having harder and harder conversations with him about him sharpening up, it cant be name calling and all that, more so, its time to do man shit.
Force him to go to the gym with you and spend time daily reading up on how to make more money together.
I manage my girlfriends stock portfolio for her and trade thousands at a time, we grocery shop for each other, we practice MMA together more recently, we do everything together. You have to become an unstoppable team. You have to build all this trust together and help each other.
This all stems from your vision together. That vision cant happen without planning and dynamite communication.
You sound like a super attentive person and this is well within your capabilities if he wants to rise the situation.
Sometimes it’s ok to totally blow shit up. Like it’s not ideal but some people need a big fat wake-up call and your
burdenboyfriend is one of them. So tell him the truth. Tell him you’re not his mother, he is being a burden, outline everything you said here and make sure he knows that if something doesn’t change you’ll be looking to end the relationship. Then follow through.He probably won’t change, but at least you’ll have stood up for yourself and not continued to be a doormat!
He can’t help that his mother did everything for him growing up. Sit him down and tell him what’s up or you’ll regret breaking it off without trying.
Look up fair play. I think they have some good resources on couples and the mental load. He’s gotta be open to understanding your perspective and making the changes, though. If he’s not, it’s not going to work. This is a very common issue for couples, and it’s not a lost cause, if he is willing to hear you out and grow as a partner. My husband and I worked on this for a year or two when we first moved in together, it’s totally different now!
As someone who dated this kind of person, they have to really want to change. My ex didn’t. Now he’s an ex.
Sounds like a tough situation
My guess is he has a grown-up child. I think there’s a two path approach. You should take
Number one, set your limits and be prepared to leave
Number two begin a dialogue with him, focusing not on him but his behaviors. If he is to change, it will probably take time so don’t expect anything immediate but also set a goal or a deadline for yourself. You don’t wanna be there in 10 years.
Good luck.
He didn’t step up at all when he became unemployed? Big yikes.
I’d tell him I need a partner. That means fun activities and not so fun ones.
“I’m not trying to mooch off you” show me with your actions
“You’re acting like I’m a burden” show me where you’re contributing
I personally don’t think this is fixable, especially if he had a mom that did all of the housework and cooking etc. this is normal to him, this is the way it works. this is a relationship.
Set up a chore schedule.
Put it on the fridge
Invest in some gold stars
non-negotiable
He can get his power up adrenaline dopamine hits from doing chores
If he resists or ignores it then you know it’s time to move on.
If he understands that life is a partnership contributes. Give him a week until he needs to put in applications. Non negotiable