Some back story. My gf(22) has really bad jealousy issues due to past relationships and is clinically diagnosed with BPD which can make smaller problems turn into bigger. I respect this. I don’t talk to other girls. I don’t even acknowledge them EVER. I play video games with my best friend alot. I join him and his friends and just usually play with him while everybody else in the call does their thing. Last night I joined up and saw that there was another girl in the call so I muted her right away and just played on thinking it was okay and that I wasn’t crossing any boundaries. My gf got up to get something and saw on screen the profile in the call and went ballistic on me. We argued. I tried to explain that I was just playing with my best friend and wasn’t even talking to her at all because she was muted and not even on with us. There was also three other guys in the call so it’s not like we were alone. And I would NEVER play one on one with somebody that’s not my homie. We haven’t talked in a few hours and this morning before work she told me that I’ve completely disrespected her, that i make her look so stupid and that shes tired of nobody loving or respecting her ever. She’s saying she’ll never forgive me or forget about this. I feel like this whole thing escalated too quick and I feel like shit. I felt like I was doing to the right thing and was fine because I wasn’t actually talking to any other girl. Am I in the wrong??? My mind is just filled with too much.
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Some back story. My gf(22) has really bad jealousy issues due to past relationships and is clinically diagnosed with BPD which can make smaller problems turn into bigger. I respect this. I don’t talk to other girls. I don’t even acknowledge them EVER. I play video games with my best friend alot. I join him and his friends and just usually play with him while everybody else in the call does their thing. Last night I joined up and saw that there was another girl in the call so I muted her right away and just played on thinking it was okay and that I wasn’t crossing any boundaries. My gf got up to get something and saw on screen the profile in the call and went ballistic on me. We argued. I tried to explain that I was just playing with my best friend and wasn’t even talking to her at all because she was muted and not even on with us. There was also three other guys in the call so it’s not like we were alone. And I would NEVER play one on one with somebody that’s not my homie. We haven’t talked in a few hours and this morning before work she told me that I’ve completely disrespected her, that i make her look so stupid and that shes tired of nobody loving or respecting her ever. She’s saying she’ll never forgive me or forget about this. I feel like this whole thing escalated too quick and I feel like shit. I felt like I was doing to the right thing and was fine because I wasn’t actually talking to any other girl. Am I in the wrong??? My mind is just filled with too much.
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> I believe I might be the asshole because I disregarded my girlfriend’s boundaries and crossed them completely thinking it was okay. I didn’t cheat or do anything wrong in my eyes but I didn’t think
About her side and how she’d feel about it.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
Not the asshole. I believe you did the right thing by muting the other person and it sounds like you’ve put forth effort into telling your gf that you only want her. I can understand why your gf would fly off the handle given her situation but that doesn’t excuse her ghosting. Really hope y’all can work this out.
you didn’t do anything wrong dude, muting her and not engaging was literally respecting your girl’s boundaries. if she’s blowing up over that, it’s not about what you did, it’s about her needing control. BPD or not, you shouldn’t feel guilty for existing near women in a group chat. this ain’t sustainable.
NTA, she isn’t either, but she’s also not ready to be in a relationship. She has some work to do.
the way she is acting is really not appropriate. there has to be a foundation of trust, did anything happen prior for her to question you? what you did was innocent, if she is complaining and causing a scene over this, your future is going to be walking on egg shells daily. you don’t want that. she needs to trust you and she should apologize for her over reaction
NTA
life is too short to deal with that ridiculousness… she needs therapy, you need to dump her….
in 50 years will it matter, the random girl on mute on a game? no? exactly…. life is way too short
NTA but your a door mat… This isn’t okay, her behavior isn’t okay- none of it is okay. Her past shouldn’t be YOUR problem. She needs to get serious help & well she’s not in a relationship. Jealousy is a mental health issue.. Most woman don’t act like that..
You need to seriously think about your future with this person… Do you want to live a limited life? What about work, you have to have relationships with ppl at work. What about when you have kids, you have to interact with teachers and other parents? You have cousins, sister, a mother.. what about them? This is crazy.. Your to young to throw it all away for one, crazy person.. Think about it
NTA
She is NOT a keeper.
RUN.
NTA. Okay, gf had PAST issues with a former bf. That is not YOU. You should not have to prove your loyalty to her to this degree. Your GF is the one with issues that she can’t handle, not you.
YOU are being penalized due to gf’s past relationship and her insecurity and whatever else she has going on.
You could be missing out on potential good social or working relationships due to your gf’s unrealistic rules for you. How does she expect the two of you to interact with other couples?
You did not disrespect your gf. She is setting this bar of hers so danged high that hardly anyone ever could maintain her expectations. Relax your mind, you did nothing wrong, except let this gf dictate your every breath. You did not make her look stupid; she is doing a fine job of this on her own. She’s young, I get it, but she needs to get some serious counseling on how to NOT damage current relationships/friendships based on something that happened in her past.
YTA, if you keep up with this kind of relationship. About half the population consists of the opposite sex. Are you supposed not to talk to any of them, like ever? Good luck with that. And god forbid if you do, your SO is going to find out eventually that “there are GIRLS in the workplace?!” and goes Taliban on your ass.
NTA, except to yourself if you don’t break up with her. She needs to do a lot of work on herself before she is ready to be in a relationship.
The extent to which she wants you to limit contact with other women is both unreasonable and inappropriate, and also totally unrealistic. Last I checked, about half of the people in the world are women. Do you seriously expect to live your life not ever speaking to or being in the presence of any of them?
NTA – your GF’s BPD might be the reason for her extreme over-reaction here, but it doesn’t make it OK, and make no mistake “she’ll never forgive me or forget about this” about you being in an on-line game where another girl was present (let alone that you had her muted) is extreme, I get the distinct feeling that you’ve been tip-toeing around your GF’s condition for so long that you don’t even see how far from normal this is.
Some things to think about – what would she do if you started working at a job where you had a female co-worker? what about if you were working in a customer-facing role and had to deal with a female customer?
NTA.
This is not a healthy relationship. Your girlfriend has some serious personal issues, and some of the well-meaning actions you have taken so far to avoid triggering her jealousy are making things worse. You are enabling her toxicity and harming your own social life.
You might want to seriously evaluate if she is capable of being in a healthy relationship at this point in time. Even if you love each other, love cannot survive a toxic environment. She needs to do some serious work on herself before she is capable of being in a healthy relationship.
You don’t need to abandon her as she deals with her BPD and other illnesses, but a romantic relationship might not be the right dynamic. At least not until she does the work to get herself in a healthier state of mind.
NTA. You can’t even acknowledge another woman’s existence, that’s not realistic. What if you have a woman as a server? A bank teller? A police officer? I personally wouldn’t put up with that, and she needs to continue to work on getting her jealousy issues under control
Hi, girl with BPD here. Let her have her split, let her calm down, then discuss it. Ask her where the discomfort came from, let her explain her side. Then tell her your side, the precautions you felt you were taking and why you felt like they were enough, and how her split made YOU feel. It’s the only method that works for me and my partner, now I hardly have splits. But it’s hard, and as someone with BPD i can say being with us is not for everyone, not easy, and if she’s not treating it in any way than it is not feasible. Good luck!
You’re being emotionally abused if you can’t even be in the presence of another female without being gaslit into thinking you’ve done something wrong. I understand this could be due to her mental health condition and doesn’t make her a bad person per se, but it’s quite worrying that you can’t interact innocently with other human beings without this kind of thing happening. It isn’t healthy.
NTA this is not healthy OP 😬
She’s acting like you kissed the girl in front of her. If she didn’t have BPD would you still put up with it? Or do you brush it off because you know she has it and both of you can put the blame on that?
Dealing with BPD is hard but so is being around it, she either needs therapy or you need to do yourself a favor and get out of there. Mental disorders don’t mean you can’t hold someone accountable.
The way to deal with this problem your girlfriend has is therapy. It is impossible to avoid every woman on the planet. This is not yours to fix, it’s hers, and if it were me I’d hold a hard line. Figure your shit out or we’re done.
NTA
As a diagnosed BPD girlie I’m sorry to say the other comments are correct, from this post alone with a biased and unbiased view it appears you very much are a doormat and having any form of mental illness even something as horrible as BPD is no excuse for cruel and abusive behaviours it doesn’t excuse or validate it and you shouldn’t either
NTA. If she’ll never forgive you, you should break up. She has unrealistic expectations. As someone who has (mostly) recovered from BPD, I suggest that if she’s unwilling to get therapy, you move on. This will not get better on its own, especially if you keep giving in to her. You’re allowed to talk to “girls” (women) and she should not be freaking out about it. You don’t deserve to pay the price for someone else’s mistakes.
NTA. Even having to mute her is wild. Do you really want to live with a microscope over you like that?
NTA… people’s mental health and background can be used to explain behavior, it shouldn’t be used to excuse it. And it seems like she’s using her mental struggles to justify treating you like shit.
NTA you even muted her and she doesn’t believe you this is crazy.
Dump her and break up with her immediately
NTA. She needs to talk to a therapist about her deep rooted trust issues, even if they’re made from the mistakes of others. Their mistakes are not yours, and if you’ve calmly explained the situation then that’s fine. Otherwise, the not looking, acknowledging, or being able to co exist with women is going to become a constant point of contention (it already is I suppose) and sounds like it’s resulting in some controlling / manipulative behaviors (I.e. the saying “I’m tired of no one loving or respecting me ever,” as a way to make you feel like sh*T). If you’ve done nothing to break her trust in you, then this is definitely an over reaction.
NTA
Your girlfriend needs professional help. You do not deserve to be abused and controlled because of her issues.
No offense, but it sounds like she needs some professional help. Those reactions aren’t rational, or safe for you.
NTA. As a gal with BPD, life and relationships of mine didn’t get better until I sought sooo much therapy and meds. I tried putting myself in her shoes for a second, but as I tried to come up with excuses as why she’d act like that, I just find it unacceptable and borderline abusive. She’s allowed to have outbursts from the BPD, but is she medicated for it? Does she actually take her meds? Does she get help from it? Does she ever apologize after imploding on you?? Maybe she needs to talk to her therapist about changing the drug dosage.. or seeking more help in general. And she’s allowed to have past trauma from relationships, what she’s not allowed to do, is take it out on you, you arent the past relationship, and she sounds like she has some serious ptsd from it which needs professional help. I have a feeling that her feeling of anger from the jealousy builds up into a full BPD episode. And that just sounds explosive, and toxic, and not your fault..You can’t tiptoe around women for the rest of your life, walking on eggshells to make your girlfriend comfortable. I will say, I ruined many a relationship back in my late teens/early 20s from my horrible BPD episodes, and like I said, nothing got better until I realized I was the problem, and got help.
NTA. And this is going to be your life forever with her. Don’t settle for insecure.
It doesn’t say in the post that this is on the table, but break up and see what happens.
If she suddenly realises she’s got a bigger issue, maybe help her to get it sorted. I’m not saying get back together. No no.
Just don’t throw away a human. That’s all I’m saying.
She’s a shit show. Break up with her.
DTB
You’re in an abusive relationship. Your girlfriend’s mental health doesn’t give her the right to isolate you from other people based on gender just because she’s insecure. Think of it this way: if you had a guy friend who said, “oh yeah, my girl never talks to other men, she can’t even look at em. she knows how I feel about that”, you’d get the ick. It’s the same situation here
NTA to your gf but it’s going to increasingly be difficult to not be an AH to random women who are just existing if you’re required by your relationship to snub them.
This dynamic is toxic and will only continue to become more so if you guys don’t reevaluate these boundaries and her insecurities and put the onus of said insecurities back where it belongs, her.
Believe me, nothing you do will be good enough. You could walk around with a blindfold on, and she will accuse you of listening to another woman’s voice while you’re out.
Being bipolar is rough on the person and their family/spouse. Go ahead and get out of this. You’ll never be happy.
Jesus Christ dude, are you hearing yourself? She won’t even let you talk to another woman??? This is legitimately insane and I would not respect you as a friend if you let this stand.