My bf and I started to date when I was 18. He’s been the first and only person whom I’ve loved.
We’ve both been very serious about our relationship since the beginning. We talk about getting married all the time, having kids, we’ve lived together for 2+ years now and we’re thinking of purchasing a home of our own.
When we first started to date, I was in a really shitty place in life. I came from an abusive household, my family is extremely toxic in general, and I had just moved out before we met.
I also feel the need to mention that I’ve never really known love before. I was not loved by my family, I never had a boyfriend and I’m also very introverted, so I’ve had only few friends in my life.
And then he appeared. He’s the sweetest, kindest and the most beautiful man I’ve ever met. And I’ve loved him since day one. I never doubted my feelings towards him.
But lately, I’ve been feeling like I have to choose between myself and him.
I’m 21 and we’ve been talking about marriage, kids, etc. My friends that are the same age do not even think of this stuff. I feel like I’m being rushed into settling down for the rest of my life.
Recently I’ve been yearning for more. I want to get to know myself, I’ve always wanted to live abroad for at least a year, I’d like to know what it’s like to live by myself,.. But none of that is an option now.
I’ll never know what it’s like to truly be by myself as an adult. My feelings were never mine, they always depended on the mood of the person I’ve lived with. I don’t know what my home would look like if I were by myself. I’ll never get the chance to go abroad. I’ve never gone to a girls’ trip, never gone to a bar with friends, and never went to a party of any sort.
And I know that some of you might think that i can do some of these things with my partner. But no, I can’t.
He doesn’t want to go live abroad, he’s already done that. He wants to have kids once I get my degree, which is pretty soon. I’m counting days to get proposed to and even though I know that I love this man so much, I’m worried that I’m just not ready.
But the thing is, while this might be too soon for me, this is perfect timing for him.
My mother had my sister (her first kid) at 19. And a mother is all she’s ever been since. She never had any time for her hobbies, also never traveled, never pursued her dreams, because she got married and focused on building a family. Now, she’s trying to make up for all the decades she’s “wasted”.
Also, her husbands were real shitty. So, I think part of this dillema is the fact that I’m worried I might end up like my mother.
I don’t know if I want to be a married young mum for the sake of having a great husband. I don’t know if I want to give myself up just to make sure I build “the perfect family”.
I know that If I stay, we’ll stay together forever. Because we love each other unconditionally, and we’re also best friends. I know that he’d be a great father and husband.
But at the same time, I know that there will be things that I might regret. Things I will never do, never try and never find out.
I love him so much, and I don’t want to break up. But at the same time, I want to give myself some love too. And I know I can’t do that if I stay in this relationship. He’s just too many steps ahead of me.
Also, delaying things (like kids and marriage) are not really an option. He has this ideal time frame in his mind and things are already kind of in motion.
I don’t know what to do. What would you recommend? Have you ever dealt with something like this? If so, what was the outcome and did you regret it?
Please, if you have any advice, I’d truly appreciate it.
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Love yourself. Go explore and find out who you are. He’s great, but you shouldn’t live your life to his schedule. You’re not ready for everything he wants right now. Pretending otherwise isn’t fair on anyone.
You always love yourself first because you can’t ask someone else to love you until you love yourself first
Always choose yourself. You’ll never lose!
I am 21 too and in a similar ish situation to you. I don’t know if I want kids but my bf wants them. It’s pretty tough but I think you shouldn’t get married already. Have an honest conversation with him and tell him that you’re not in a place where you feel ready for kids or marriage. You can say that you’re dealing with childhood trauma (which is true), because coming from an abusive household really messes you up. Ask him for some space and start doing new things alone, like pilates, swimming, book club, running, soccer (whatever you fancy). If he loves you then he will wait and if he doesn’t then why do you want forever with him ? If he’s just looking for a wife and to spawn out a few kids then your passions and plans will just get destroyed. You might end up resenting him and your future babies. Choose yourself and if he loves you he will wait. If he doesn’t wait then it means that he just wants to procreate and it doesn’t matter if that’s with you or Sarah or Jane or Mary. And do you really want to be with someone like that ? You should ask him to give you maybe a year or two before committing to marriage and kids. Be honest and polite and emphasize why you need this time. Please don’t have kids if you aren’t ready 🙁
He doesn’t really love you if he isn’t willing to compromise on his timeline.
You need to love yourself first. If you don’t the relationship will not last or you will be miserable with time. If he truly loves you like you say he does he will understand. I hear you say all the things he wants, where is what you want.
Just because he’s ready does not mean you have to be. You need time to find yourself and do all those things you want to do. You do not have to sacrifice your life for perfecting a family or perfect man, because in truth if the fact you aren’t ready and have things you want to experience before settling down is a problem for him he is not the perfect man. The family you create should be on your time table when you’re ready, don’t let his wants steamroll your life or your wants.
Just because he already lived abroad doesn’t mean you can’t, either long distance or him gaining another experience. Also bars and party’s can still be fun with your friends. You deserve to have all the experiences and heal from the pain of the bad ones
Don’t rush into things you don’t want yet simply because he wants it.
If the choice is between loving a boyfriend and loving yourself, always choose yourself. Never make yourself smaller or deny what you actually want to appease your boyfriend’s timelines and goals.
Love yourself. Go travel. Go live abroad. Live your life on your schedule, not his.
You don’t get married because it’s the ideal time for your partner and what he wants. You do it because it’s the right time for BOTH of you and what you both want.
If he’s the right guy for you, he’d understand your need for more time. Your need to travel and experience life. The fact that he doesn’t seem to care about that, that he doesn’t want to do that with you because he’s already done it means he’s not the guy you should choose to spend your life with. Don’t give up on yourself and your dreams. You’re only 21. You’ve 60+ years ahead of you to get married and have kids but it should only happen when you are ready.
If you have to choose between loving yourself or loving someone else, always choose you.
You need to stand on your own 2 feet. Give yourself the gift of freedom and discovery. You will regret it the rest of your natural life if you do not pursue your dreams. The 4 years difference between you is very big at this point. He is ready to settle down, but you haven’t even started to really live your life yet. You deserve your own life and his life plan does not trump yours.
If we were to ask you, what movies do you like, whats your favorite food, what do you like to do in your spare time? Would you truly know the answer or would you give the answer your BF would want or what your BF likes?
NTA- discover who and what you are. That way you can’t lose yourself in another. Believe me, o soak from experience. Travel, see the world, school, friends, all of that is important to have. Take it from someone in love but full of regret.
You can’t live your life trying to make everybody else happy but yourself.
You know what I regret the most? The things I wanted to do but didn’t end up doing, for whatever reason I might’ve had at that moment. You know what I don’t regret? The things I did do, even if they didn’t turn out how I expected it, because I lived the experience and now I don’t have to wonder “what if.”
Your boyfriend doesn’t get to wonder about all those things because he already did it; it’s not fair to give up your dream just because he already did it and he’s ready for that next step even if you aren’t.
I would say find a couples therapy and talk it out, maybe he would be willing to do long distance for 1 year or you guys can reach another compromise. A therapist is not going to tell you what to do, they’re just a neutral point of communication between you two so you guys can understand each other better. A third party; a translator if you will. Because sometimes we mean X but the other person understands Y and between all the feelings it can get messy & fucked up.
Sometimes its the right person, wrong time. Good luck hun.
(Also, don’t assume how he feels or what he would be willing to do just because this is all he’s talked about. I know you know him, but we never stop growing and learning and changing. So talk first and then decide what would be best for both of you)
Girl you can do them by yourself. You don’t have to do everything with him. If he loves you he’d want you to have this.
Like others have said, always choose you. You cannot get married and have kids because he wants to.
You are 21, you are barely an adult and barely started your adult life. Thinking “you’ll never find anyone else” is ridicilous. If you take a tape that has 100cm, colour the 21cm and then look do you have more life behind you are before you. Like you said, you’ve never been alone, never done that growing into adult as your own, Do not buy house together.
So you go with his plan.. and then by the time you are 30, you are divorcing because you never wanted anything he planned for you? or at least no on your timeline and you feel missing out. Unfortunately I’ve seen plenty of these scenarios as well.
FIrst loves are so powerful, amazing feeling you get to feel the first time and it’s magical. And I could claim most of us thought our first love was the one, meant to be, and if it doesn’t work out, I’ll never find anyone (been there, done that, lmafo. Thank gods that relationship ended)
I rejected opportunities as uni student because bf (now husband), mostly study abroad and all. I did regret my not goings. But we’ve travelled a lot abroad together and that kinda makes up the stuff I missed back then.
I also have to say this, even everything seems “perfect” in your relationship. You say you come from abusive home. People coming from abusive/broken home are extra vulnerable to end up with abuser. And abusers can pretend preeeetty long to be perfect. They wait until you are on the hook (usually married and pregnant).
He wants to have kids right after you graduated.. so no chance for you to start you career at all? Graduate and then kids…. I’d also assume he wants you to be SAHM until kids finish hs and he is provider? So you’d be financially dependable fully on him. No one in today’s world should put themselves in that position, no matter what gender. Graduate and get a job, get career started, have savings.
All the best!
First, if he loves you unconditionally, he should be willing to compromise and give traveling with you. He should be willing to wait longer. If not, he does love you, with a condtion: you need to follow his life plans. And that’s OK, in the sense of everyone loves with conditions. That’s healthy. Maybe they want kids, maybe they don’t want kids, maybe they wanna move to the Artic, maybe they wanna live in a van. There is always potential for there to be an obstacle you can’t get over. But this doesn’t seem to be dealt with in a healthy way, because you’re planing on just sucking it up and following his life plans, even though you don’t want to.
Not only do you deserve to live for you, but you could grow to resent the children he’s so eager for you to have, even if you don’t want to. They deserve parents that are enthusiastic and ready to take care of them. I have chronic illnesses that mean even though I’m 19, my mom is still taking care of a lot of things for me. It’s not just the 18 years that you’ll have to take care of them. Especially with the state of the world, being a parent will likely become even harder.
You need to have a serious talk with him. But you also need to be prepared to walk away. The perfect man can still be out there for you. But if you don’t put yourself first, you’ll be signing up to a lifetime of putting yourself last.
OP, I know it feels like “maybe I’ll never meet another great man again” but what if you meet someone who matches you BETTER than this man you’re dating currently? One who also wants to live abroad, and take things at a pace that aligns with your own pace? It shouldn’t be a matter of you speeding up the timeline for children. That can cause resentment, which your potential children will feel from you. If you really sit down and think about how you will feel in 5, 10, 15 years, will you feel disappointed that you gave up your hopes and plans for a life that will tie you to one place? Are you willing to settle for what seems like less than what you want for yourself? That seems to be what staying in this relationship will be for you.