My father was never in my (20M) life. His parents and siblings were. I grew up seeing them once a week and sometimes more if they had things on. My mom was on good terms with them. But him? First time I saw him was 6 months ago. He showed up at a cousins wedding that I was also attending.
Then I saw him again two weeks ago. He approached me at my grandmother’s birthday party. He said he was sorry for not being there and he wanted me to know that he wanted to try and prove himself to me and he wanted me to give him a chance. I told him it was way too late and I wasn’t interested. He asked if he could change my mind at all. I said no. Then he tried to tell me that he’d drive over once a week if I agreed and he’d be here for me, he’d pay for stuff like he never did before. He offered to do anything and I told him nothing could make up for 20 years of never seeing his face. Of mom being forced to raise me alone. I said he didn’t get to change his mind after all her hard work. He ran back to his wife looking dejected.
His wife approached me just before I left and she asked me to consider a relationship with her and my father’s children. They have three under 8. She said they wanted to approach me both times they saw me but they didn’t feel like I wanted them to and she said my grandparents were willing to give us a chance to get to now each other. She said it would be great if we could be in each others lives. I told her I understood she was looking out for her kids but I’m an only child in the ways that count for me. I said I’ll be friendly with her kids if I’m speaking to them but I don’t want a deeper relationship. She left it at that.
Following on from the party I heard from my two aunts and they wanted to know why I was unwilling to work on any of this. They said they could understand my feelings toward my father, but they felt like I was throwing away a chance to have something I wanted as a kid, something I deserved. Their bigger issue was me refusing to form a relationship with those kids. They asked me what my reason for that was and I told them I don’t have a dad or a second parent. I only have mom. She only has me. Therefore I’m an only child. I said they would be more like cousins but I wasn’t going to string them along and let them think I wanted to be their brother.
There’s been a lot of back and forth since with my aunts. They do not support my decision. They said whether I like it or not I am not an only child. And while that is biologically true, the man raising them had nothing to do with me and had no part in making me who I am. The only parent I have is my mom. I can acknowledge I’m still related to these kids but I cannot find it in me to care enough to form a relationship. I’ll be friendly like I told their mom but ultimately I wouldn’t ever go out of my way to spend time with or get to know them.
AITA?
Comments
You don’t owe anyone a relationship for any reason. NTA
NTA. He missed 20 years you don’t owe him or his kids a damn thing.
It’s admirable you’re standing firm after all those lost years. Your boundaries are justified and I respect your choice to not pursue a relationship with his kids, NTA
Can the absence of emotional nurturing during childhood truly be compensated for as adults, or does it forever shape our perceptions of love and connection?
I’d wonder if there’s an underlying motive, like baby sitting for a weekend or financial help.
NTA. He is not your dad, so they are not your siblings. I think your approach of treating them like extended family is super generous and kind of you.
Adults putting this on you is insane, if your aunts have issues with the dynamics of the current situation they should have done something about their brother abandoning you for 20 years.
And yes, you did deserve to have a father, but this reconnecting is not giving you that. Only a time machine and a different sperm donor would. At best, if you decide to form a relationship with him now, he will be like extended family. You are already grown, the father role is long lost.
Ask your aunts why they haven’t been pressuring your dad to make amends for the past 20 years
NO you are NTA. You continue to do what makes sense to you! ♥️♥️♥️
NTA. I can see where your father is coming from wanting to establish a relationship and atone for his past mistakes, but you have every right to reject that. And it sounds like he’s trying to buy his way in, which is the wrong way to go about it. And other family members wanting you to leap in feet first are in the wrong here as well. If any part of you desired a relationship with him, I’d say start small with a cup of coffee. But if you lack that desire, then you are certainly in the right to freeze him out. He had twenty years to fix this and it sounds like it’s too little too late.
NTA
Shame on your aunts. It’s ludicrous that they expect you to show up for his kids when he never showed up for you. And I can only imagine that it would be painful for you to see him raising those children when he never even saw you as a child. He’s a sperm donor at best. And I highly doubt he paid child support, so as well as being absent, he’s also a deadbeat.
Where was their concern for a child not having their family around when you were the child in question? Did they harass your dad about his scummy behaviour the way they’re now harassing you? Just because you share genetics with these kids, that doesn’t make them siblings.
NTA. These children have no connection to you other than blood, and since they’re so young, seeing them would necessarily mean seeing your dad. He is not deserving of a second chance after 20 years, especially since he never bothered to pay even token child support. Your aunts and your grandparents seem willing to overlook a lot of horrible behavior from your dad in the name of ‘family’.
NTA. Your sperm donor blew it 20 years ago by running out on his wife & baby. He doesn’t deserve any chances. Besides, I notice how young their kids are & can’t help but think that they are using this as an attempt to get a free babysitter.
NTA
You already said that if you saw them, you would be kind to them. They cannot reasonably expect anything more from you. Also, You have at least a 12 year age gap. You don’t know them. You were not raised with them. You don’t know their father. It honestly feels like they’re looking for a babysitter.
NTA. You’ve been respectful and courteous about it and enforced firm boundaries without being overly aggressive or rude about it. Them lot can eff off, since you’ve made your stance clear. Good on you for not bowing to their demands, OP.
NTA. Let your aunts know that if they spent half as much effort getting your sperm donor to fulfill his responsibilities as a father, then maybe things would be different today.
I agree with you not having a relationship with your father and his second family, but maybe let everyone know that you will only consider a relationship with them if he back pays your mother all the child support that he owes her. Until he does so, you will not entertain any conversation from anyone about reconciliation or getting to know his new family.
NTA, you don’t owe the deadbeat anything. He is only coming round because his wife wants to play family for her kids. She didn’t give af apparently when it would have been helpful, like say the last two decades.
Your aunts let your dad skate on a relationship with you for almost 20 yrs, and now they’re pressuring you?!?? They’re ridiculous. NTA.
Free babysitter, anyone??
Why do you have to have a relationship with two strangers and their kids?
NTA
NTA, it amazes me how many people have zero comprehension skills. You told everyone who asked the truth on how you feel, and if there was any compromise, you said NO. Your father is putting your aunts up to this, so just don’t answer their calls, and keep your peace. Updateme
He had no problem being a dad to them for 8 years and still never reached out.
I never understand why a new spouse would do this.
Do they just want a free babysitter?
Do they want to rewrite history and pretend they aren’t married to someone who abandons their children?
Are their younger kids really that interested in getting to know a sibling from their dad’s first marriage?
Do they want to be the hero and reunite you and make everything better?
I don’t get it.
NTA
NTA but your father and his family sure are. You do what makes YOU happy!!
“Once that creature has made up for everything to both me a d my actual parent, then we can talk. Until then, I guess his new kids should cross their fingers and hope he doesn’t throw them out with the trash too”
Reasons?
How about… when in school and kids picking on you not having a dad?
How bout father’s day not having a father there to celebrate with?
How about been around the kids just remind you the things that they have that you never did?
How about they ask themselves if their father left them as children and he came back 20 years later and said… Im ready to be a dad now if they would say oh yes please or scuff at him and tell him to get the hell away from them?
Its easy for people to say what you should do when they haven’t gone through it themselves
NTA, also be careful, it looks like they only want to use you for free babysitting.
You’re only hurting yourself in the long run. Coming from someone who never wanted to know my birth father, but love the fuck out of my three half siblings by him. You can be better than your father was, but that’s only if you can get over your anger at him. You’re ignoring your half siblings to make your dad feel how he made you feel. It’s directed at the wrong person. As someone who was in your same situation and chose the other path, YWBTA for how you treat your siblings.
Question: Was your mom married to him when she decided to let him nut inside her?
NTA. Everyone probably just wants a free babysitter BeCaUsE FaMiLy
Do no more explanations to any of these people. You don’t have to try to convince them because they won’t be convinced. They are trying to get this guy to feel better about himself. You say going forward this is no longer open for discussion. Then walk away or hang up.
What the actual fuck?? So he had access to you the whole time but never wanted anything to do with you until you are an adult?? You handled it better than me. I would have hurt his feelings after the first time he approached me and that’s only because of being at a wedding.
Nta
Ask your aunts why they want to hurt you so much. You thought you had a good relationship with them, but now they want to throw it in your face that your sperm donar can be a father and husband, but just not to you. That they want you to watch him do everything with those kids and have it reiterated every day that you weren’t good enough, but these kids are good enough. Good enough to have a dad, good enough for their family to advocate for them. But you aren’t good enough. That your aunts are telling you that you aren’t important enough to protect, but these kids feelings are more important than yours. Ask your aunts why they love these kids more than you?
We all know that isn’t true. The flaw is in your bio-dad and his wife (who is probably the only reason he is reaching out. She doesn’t want to admit she married and had kids with a dead beat) and your aunts. But people like that, who pull the “blood is important” bs need it spelled out how they are wrong and in graphic detail in a way they will have to admit, even if only to themselves. And if they keep pushing, let them know that they are really the ones not good enough. That you are amazing and were raised by an amazing mom, and you are sorry that these people have lost the chance to continue to experience what a great person your mom raised, on her own. So now she gets to watch you thrive on her own, and she gets to be the one to celebrate you.
Absolutely not! My biological father left when I was 4 and he never paid child support. My stepfather made me speak to him at age 10, it lasted about 5 minutes. He called 1 week after my 18th birthday and I cussed him out. I asked him if he felt that it was okay to call since he didn’t have to pay child support any more. He called on a Sunday when I was 20 and said he was in my hometown. He said he was with his 2 best friends at a local pizza place/bar and did I want to come up and meet him. I told him to F off and that I didn’t think that I needed to go to a bar and try to pick my biological father out of a crowd and that he knows where I live. I lived in the same house that I lived in when he left.
NTA So they use the children he did have time, thinking they’d be a bargaining chip to get you to spend time with them?
Don’t they realise the likely resentment for the kids – they had all the love and attention from their father that was denied to his oldest.
NTA. I don’t understand why anyone would think you’d like to see those kids getting the father you deserved. You don’t owe them anything.
Where were your aunts 20 years ago when your father walked out of your life??
NTA. This is all to please his wife, nothing to do with you. Time to put your intrusive aunts (his sisters?) on a contact time out until they learn boundaries.
Balls on him for treating the new kids like a parent should. No one should force you to reconcile. He just donated sperm. No more, no less. Its up to you to make the choice
You aren’t the asshole but you are doing the same thing to your siblings that your dad did to you.
It sucks. I’d suggest letting them be themselves and not the most recent spawn of someone you dislike and have been hurt by.
But you do need to protect your heart.
You can think of him as an uncle that you don’t particularly like. He’s not your dad, but he is your grandparents’ son. You don’t have to have a relationship with this dipshit uncle that left his family 20 years ago, but you can have a relationship with your “cousins”, especially when they get a little older. Just call them cousins.
Updateme!
Once again your father is creating havoc. He created when he disappeared from your life 20 years ago and and now by trying to get the family on his side in order to get his needs met. He doesn’t seem to care about your feelings. Tell them all that relationships take years to build and that you will see them at family gatherings. Ask them all to let it happen naturally over time. It’s okay if it never happens, but you will have appeased everyone meanwhile.
He’s not your dad he’s a sample of sperm donated at the right time.
It must be a knife in your heart every time you see him being a dad to his children knowing that is what you should have had. I can’t begin to imagine how painful it’s been for you. Nothing he can do can ever make up for 2 decades of absence.
The only person here who gets a say is you. If you want nothing to do with him then the conversation is over. The flying monkeys have no say. All you can do is treat the kids with the politeness and kindness you’d give any child., related or not. You don’t owe them anything deeper.
Relationships are built, not born.
Biological connection is not an automatic foundation for a relationship.
Do you think they want to play family now so he can babysit their kids whenever they want? It sounds very fishy to me, and I respect and applaude your decision
NTA. And I have questions.
First of all, why was Dad out of the picture for 20 years? My first thought was he was in prison, but that doesn’t seem to be the case. Did your Mom tell him not to come around? That doesn’t work either since a parent who wants contact with their kid would at least send a birthday card or some such thing.
Second, why are your aunts pushing so hard for you to have a relationship with your half-sibs? I mean, what’s it to them whether or not you have a relationship with three kids under the age of eight?! I’m guessing that this is really a ploy to make you spend time with Dad, since they’re too young to meet you someplace themselves. Still, not their business.
Stand your ground. You’ve set your boundaries clearly and repeatedly, and don’t let them bully you into accommodating the people who don’t respect you.
Why is OP dad not in your life for 20yr? Is there a reasons?
NTA you’re an adult with your own life. Your dad only wants to be a dad now that the hard part is over. This is the point in your life where you’ll grow apart from your parents’ lives and live your own. They could be looking for a free babysitter as well 🤷🏼♀️
Make it clear you won’t lie to the children. When they ask where you’ve been all their lives you’ll tell them their dad abandoned you for 20 years. You won’t protect him from anyone’s judgement or the consequences of his actions.
Nta don’t let anyone force you , you feel how you feel and that’s that
The only aholes I see are the ones trying to force a relationship on you that you dont want
You are at an age where the members of your family are becoming people you choose, not necessarily people who are related by blood. Your father made his choices 20 years ago. You are making yours now.
I can be a suspicious SOB sometimes. From your dads wife said, I get the feeling that the point of the “relationship” is for you to be a babysitter.
NTA
NTA
Tell your aunts they should have told this to your father & since they didn’t, there’s no relationship there.
Remember that you have no obligation or responsibility whatsoever to your father or his children. He had a responsibility to you & failed you horribly once—why would you give him the opportunity to do so again?
Your father was capable of parenting 7 years ago but decided that he wanted other kids. Why didn’t your aunts pressure him to have a relationship with you? Why is it only being pressured
NTA, you need to do what’s best for you, and if you don’t want to get closer to literal strangers who think you somehow owe them (you don’t btw), that’s totally fair. TBH it sounds like your father’s current wife is pressuring him to find more babysitters.
Edit: clarity
[deleted]
NTA. It is your choice who to have in your life. I went NC with my mother probably about ten years before she passed and I don’t have any regrets.
NTA, it’s unbelievable that people still blame a child for the father’s actions and expect the child to mend the relationship and take it no matter what the father did. WHERE was your aunts opinions all these years when your dad refused to take care of you? For crying out loud, he became a father again 7 years ago, when you were 13, and he STILL refused to become your dad, he still kept you in the dark.
NTA…..3 kids under 8? I bet they want to make up so they have a free babysitter in you.
NTA. There is more to this story. You actually are an only child. Your bio dad never was a dad. I bet he is trying to relieve his guilt. You don’t have to manage his feelings by capitulating to his very big asks. And why haven’t his sisters pushed him to make amends with you. That’s very suspect. Forgiveness is a beautiful thing but not everyone is entitled to it. He left you and your mom to fend for yourselves. Beyond cruel. Did he give you any explanation?
They’re looking for free childcare. 3 kids and moved back near his family a year ago? Definitely childcare. Your aunts are tired of being asked so they’re keen to palm it off onto you.
Don’t be swayed by the pleas about his kids. They wouldn’t know you were their half sibling, if not for the adults filling their heads with ideas. Tell ‘dad’ and aunts to stop stringing the kids along.
But he’s offering money. Tell him you’ll consider a relationship if he starts paying back child support. After he’s paid back the equivalent of 18 years of regular payments, you’ll then consider having a relationship with him.
Has he offered an apology and any kind of explanation for why he ghosted you and his entire family? Then he expected to be treated like the prodigal son returning with a whole ass replacement family. The cheek of him.
NTA
NTA and tell your aunts that the way they are pushing you to have a relationship with your dad after he was absent would have been helpful when you were growing up, they should have pressured your dad to make amends and be in your life when you were little.
I can relate to you of not having an active father in my life and having a mother be the one to raise me and my sister alone. Your dad has no right to come back now that all the hard work of raising a child was done for him, if he was gonna abandon you like that than why did he have 3 more kids when he failed to take care of the first one?! You don’t owe your dad anything and block him if he refuses to take no for an answer. Ask him where the hell was the child support these past 20 years?
Updateme
NTA
Your aunts are right that those children are blood, but whether they like it or not blood isn’t enough to carry a relationship, and time cannot be rewritten just because your bio-dad is willing to work on the relationship after 20 years. They can harp all they like, but their support is optional and their opinion unnecessary.
Tell your aunts to mind their own business. They want a relationship with them they can have one. You don’t. They don’t get to decide for your.
Just tell your aunts that you’ll tell the kids the truth about your dad. He can win Dad of the year for the next 20 years forward and that doesn’t change the fact that he was a deadbeat for 20 years. They probably just think you’d be so happy for Dad that you’d be free babysitting.
Did he ever pay any child support.
NTA
fuck those aunt’s.
and let’s be honest: they all don’t give a shit about you. this is Purley about the children. you are well within your right not wanting to get involved.
Grandma wants to cut him out of her will if he doesn’t make amends I bet.
NTA
Go to the new wife: ‘if you want me in these kids lives, I’m going to tell them the truth about the relationship between their dad and I, that he was my dad, he didn’t take care of me, he abandoned me, and I didn’t see him until I was 19.’ Tell her you’ll explain in detail how he missed every birthday, holiday and sport. And that it will be brought up each and every time. That at their 10th birthday, you’ll talk about how at your 10th birthday your dad was missing. At Christmas, you’ll talk about how he wasn’t there. How your dad left you…
It’s nasty, but it will get the point across.
NTA. Your dad was the equivalent of a sperm donor and to expect you to suddenly jump into their lives and be a “family” is ludicrous. The age gap alone is going to make things difficult. The fact that he had another family that he could take care of and chose not to do anything for you is telling of his character. I’m willing to bet, “bUt fAmILy” will come in when they need help with their kids’ college tuition or child care. Your aunts need to get back in their own lane. They shouldn’t expect you to be more of an adult than your father.
You might be able to file for back child support as an adult. Check with your local child support division. If you want to find out if he’s serious, you can tell him to pay the back child support that he never did when you were growing up and see how he reacts. Just a thought. It might give you an idea of his motives. It’s easy to say you want to make changes when it doesn’t involve anything except something easy-like seeing you “weekly” so you can get to know his kids.
It’s not reasonable to expect you to jump into his fantasy just because he’s “ready to be a family.” Did he say anything about being a father? There’s a huge difference. I suspect that as soon as they realize that they may be held financially accountable, the urgency will change.
Updateme
There is a reason he only reached out when you’re past 18, he thinks he isn’t liable for the back child support but depending what state you’re in you can still get him for it. Tell your aunts this, if they keep pushing this you’ll push to get the back child support. NTA, your sperm donor and his sister are AHs though.
Your dad and his wife want a free nanny
and fuck your aunts, where they concerned for you.as a kid ?
they deserve to get spat on
nta
nta
NTA
“Relationship with the younger kids” = give us free babysitting
Tell your family members that you’ve only met your father twice. He chose to not have a relationship with you. He chose that. If your father wants to build a relationship, it’s his responsibility to make the effort, not you.
NTA!! A parent doesn’t decide after 20 years to be a parent !!! Your formative years you had one parent your mom !! Tell your father to move on. As for rest of family where were they asking your father to step up and be a father???
Nta. Tell them he had time with his new family. Hes a deadbeat to you and as much as you love them. That this discussion is over and you will not be doing this again.
Eta I would also ask them why they didnt chew his ass out especially after he started having more kids. He doesnt get to be dad when youre all grown up.
Absolutely NTA. If the aunts continue to pressure you, flip it on them. Ask why they didn’t pressure your father to establish a relationship when your sibling was born, when you were only 12/13 years old. When you were still young enough to have his presence be a major impact on who you would develop and mature into.
NTA
Also, your dad is busy with a new family of young kids. Do you really believe he’d have that much time for you? I think if you were willing to give it a try, you’d just end up disappointed after all.
Don’t your aunts love you? Do they want you to suffer more heartache, more confidence-damaging neglect and rejection? Do they want to have your nose rubbed in the fact that your dad wasn’t there for you, by seeing how he’s there for his current kids?
You’ve established your peace; they want you to dig it up and throw it around.
Better to have a civil yet distant relationship with all of them, like a second cousin once removed whom you only run into at weddings and exchange surface pleasantries with.
NTA respectfully tell your aunts to mind their own business.
NTA.. So deadbeat pops not only ghosted you but also his family and now THEY all just want to act like the past 20 years didn’t happen??? Was he in jail or something? Why miss your entire childhood….Just because he didn’t feel like it? Ugh, the audacity of people takes me out every time. If you decide to have kids you know what not to do!
NTA—I haven’t read through all the responses but I virtually guarantee they want feee babysitting!
NTA. They are centering your dad’s feelings, not yours. They can feel how they want but it has ZERO bearing on how you should feel or what you should do. You don’t want a relationship, period. It ends at that
They dont get to decide how YOU feel. It’s not up to them.
I’d simply respond back with “Well these kids have been around for the past 7-8 years now, where was your concern for their relationship with me then? Where was *your concern for your brother’s relationship with *me for the past 20 years?”. They are misguided at best.
Y r the Aunties pressuring u 4 not wanting a relationship now while not pressuring HIM 4 being a deadbeat??? I don’t know if he has offered any explanation 4 his absence but he does owe u that. Was he like, in prison 4 20 years or something? It’s time 4 some real hard questions 2 get answers and if they’re not willing 2 answer, this situation is dead. U don’t owe him or his new family anything. Be cordial and nothing more. NTA.
This is a repost
YTA
NTA ask for 18 years of child support paid in a lump sum, then if you get it ghosted him like he did to you.