Last night, my girlfriend and I were hanging out, and she mentioned that her baby daddy text her in his feelings. He was saying shit like:
“You are the love of my life.”
“I guess you really are done with me now.”
“I miss you and I’ll always love you.”
When she asked me how she should respond, I told her to tell him “to kick fucking rocks”. She told me that that was too much, and he’d get in his feelings and it’d become a whole thing. That led to a little back n forth, mostly her saying she should be nice and me saying she should be direct. I got frustrated with her and asked her a bunch of questions relating to her baby daddy.
“How many times did he beat your ass?”
“How many times did he cheat on you?”
“How many times has he seen his kids this year?”
“Where was he when your son was sick?”
“How much debt did he put you in?”
“How many of your close friends and cousins did he fuck?”
And on and on til I thought she got the message. I knew all the answers to the questions I was asking, so I didn’t really let her answer. I wasn’t asking to ask. I was asking to prove a point. She fake chuckled and agreed that she was being stupid.
When I was on the game afterwards, it came up in conversation and one of my friends DM’d me saying what I said was harsh. Being real, I don’t think what I said was out of line. The mf didn’t want to be a dad til I showed up n his kids started wanting to do things with me. So I feel like I’m not wrong in what I said.
But Reddit, let me know something. AITA?
Comments
NTA, if she’s sympathizing with him after all that happened she needs a reminder of what he did
She’s going to go back to him. Sounds like you hate him more than she does. And her still being in contact with him? And showing you his texts? None of that is normal.
If this is real, which I doubt, get out of this mess. Don’t be the side character on her story.
NTA. You’re keeping her away from that monster. Monsters can easily manipulate people
NTA but I also get where she’s coming from, as I’ve been in the same situation. She shouldn’t reply at all, tbh. Nothing he’s saying has anything to do with their kids and his feelings aren’t her responsibility. If she thinks telling him to kick rocks is too much, then she just shouldn’t say anything at all.
NTA. She needs to be in therapy if she is not already!
Why you even there?
NTA, sometimes people need reminders about their past to protect their future. After all, why keep letting him have any access to her when he’s clearly not changed?
I think two things matter here and neither is what some friend who wasn’t there thinks about a conversation they are hearing about second hand from only one side.
First, how does your gf feel now? She might have chuckled because she saw your viewpoint and was laughing at herself or she might have done so out of awkwardness to get you to stop. Unfortunately people often do that. I’m going to reserved judgement on whether or not you meet the topic of this Reddit. Step back and ask yourself if you were pushing and try to see it from her perspective. However, she did ask.
Second, was she really asking your advice or was she looking for justification for what she wanted or needed to do, such as telling him to pound sand? It’s an easy trap to fall into, because then she can feel less guilty if someone else told her what to do. I’m not saying she did, although given she shares one of more kids with him she may not be able to cut him out completely.
Now, here’s some stuff you can suggest but then back off:
Last, Have a calm conversation and then LISTEN. Does she feel pressured by you to agree to shut you up? If yes, learn from that.
NTA I can see its little harsh, but you started off lighter. Your GF needs to go to therapy if shes having trouble getting out of an abusive relationship mindset
Nta let her go back to her bd. She’s yearning that anyway, and you are free from playing stepdad
NTA KING
If she *has* to communicate with him, it should only be via a co-parenting app ( so that everything is saved for in case of custody or child support arguments) and she should then be free to block him everywhere else. No more stupid texts etc.
NTA. She needed a reality check.
NTA.
But I have questions. Is he paying any child support? Are the courts involved? Does he have any legal rights? Visitation?
I ask because maybe she is trying to “keep the peace” so that whatever guidelines they have now remain and things can at least be “pleasant” when they need to discuss things.
Not saying that’s right. If she is no longer interested in him, she needs to be clear and direct with him that she does not want those types of messages and yes they are officially no longer romantic partners.
NTA. He should not be contacting her period unless it’s about their children… she needs to set that boundary instead of making you do it.
NTA. I would have advised her to not respond to texts like that, and only respond to things relating to the child’s welfare. Because anything she says to him is engaging him, and unless it’s about their child he needs to stay out of her life.
YTA. this woman was abused. She knows that telling him to kick rocks will lead to her own personal hell. Women are OFTEN in danger when they reject men. She was looking to you to support her in a scary situation and you pretty much berated her with what she probably feels is her own failure. We do that, women. We blame ourselves for being with someone that hurt us. And you perpetuated that by acting like if she was aggressive with him that would end it. What you might have done is help her figure out how to be clear without putting herself in harms way.
The fact is… your girlfriend is in danger of being harmed whenever this guy comes around. You need to really feel that and what it means. The idea that she could somehow stop this guy hurting her by escalating is ridiculous. You should be protecting her and creating safety. Instead… you blamed her. Not cool.
Nta and if that’s how he wants to be acting she needs to be telling him that they’re only to communicate about their child
Definitely NTA!
Nah, the majority of respondents aren’t getting it. This goes deeper. Anyone whose been abused knows this. Has she taken any measures to heal the trauma from that relationship? Because, it runs DEEP. It sounds to me that you’re minimizing what is likely a difficult dynamic, which included physical abuse, cheating, and overall, a killing of her self worth. My guess is that she has PTSD from his abuse, finds it hard to set boundaries, is plain scared of him and his responses and doesn’t want to get another shitty, abusive text from him. I’ve dealt with that type. No response is the only response. I suggest you learn how to be more sensitive and take some time to understand what happens to people when they’re abused, because it takes a very special person to be able to work with someone who’s been abused and frankly, based on this exchange, you don’t seem equipped for it, fully. And if she’s not, she needs be in therapy.
What’s the problem here? Your girlfriend practically thanked you for reminding her.
But she really needs to put some limits on her child’s father contacting her because if she doesn’t he’s going to keep this up and it’s going to put your relationship at risk.
If she can’t do that, you need to reconsider things with her. Don’t forget, if you stay with her long term, this guy is always going to be there because they share a child.
Very slight YTA…
Here me out before I get downvoted. When you share kids with someone, it’s very different. You can’t be a doormat and you still needs boundaries. However, Who si the priority your feelings or uplifting your kids other parents.
My parents hated eachother and I rarely ever saw any tiny glimpse of it until I was much older. They both had some extremely legitimate reasons to dislike eachother. However not only did they hide it. They both went out of their way to speak highly of eachother. They both tried in some small way to help the other occasionally.
I understand you have big feelings because the woman you loved was used and probably abused. That said, her kid is her first priority. So everything she ever expresses about him will come with her pushing her hardest to try to give him the benefit of the doubt. As it should. It sounds like maybe you pushed a bit to far back against that.
She can find a way to dismiss him or ignore him with out provoking him or putting him down. Something that may at some point negatively affect her kids. So if you want to badmouth him, find ways to do it constructively or while proposing ways to improve her kids life. Not just attacking him (even if he probably deserves it).
Focusing on being constructive and improving her kids life will be what ultimately helps her set healthy boundaries. So be very careful how you word your issues. This is doubly true for abuse victims.
Honestly… Yes and no.
On the NTA side: the dude sounds like a narcissist at best, so your gf definitely needed a reminder that all she is to him is a supply. Pretending what he’s saying to her is real is definitely NOT the way to go. Also, she’s with you now so why is she even entertaining that part of things at all? So yes, remind her that he’s a p.o.s. and she’s with you now, so hi missing her & shit doesn’t matter. She moved on, she needs to stay moved on for the safety and well-being of her & her kids.
HOWEVER, on the YTA side: you were really harsh & then you let her call herself stupid when she was ABSOLUTELY HURT by the way you chose to go about reminding her that he’s trash. You accidentally perpetuated a pattern that she WITHOUT A DOUBT experienced while with the dude you’re trying to protect her from. Which is absolutely not cool. Go apologize for the harshness and any hurt it caused her. Apologize for letting her think she’s stupid rather than putting fault on the dude for being manipulative. Even if you don’t think it hurt her, I promise it did (from experience on both sides of this coin). Tell her you don’t think she’s being stupid so much as being emotionally manipulated by the dude & you just want to protect her from his bs. Don’t perpetuate patterns of abusive behavior and then act like it wasn’t ass of you. Fuck, man. Bombarding her with questions that bring up trauma in an aggressive AF way is in itself traumatic. Go apologize.
ETA: after reading a few of your comments… She’s existing in the aftermath of abuse. She’s gonna need therapy, encouragement to end the cycle, and then if she’s not interested in child support from the dude, move toward getting him to release his parental rights. She’s not actually doing right by her kids by keeping a p.o.s. like that in their lives. He’s only using them to get to her, and he’s only hurting them with his chronic absence and manipulation… As much as it’s usually best to keep families together… That does NOT apply when the family member is abusive. And if he can’t hurt her without hurting them, he may escalate further from the current situation.
Our family wizard is a good online program. Secondly ask her not to engage or respond at all! That is what he wants.
NTA
NTA she needed a harsh reality. Honestly though, she shouldn’t respond period. My ex is a POS too and I don’t answer anything that doesn’t pertain to my daughter. Just ignore it. If he keeps doing it, then he’s a court monitored app.
NTA. It sounds harsh to her in the moment, reminding her of the abandonment. But it is tough love – not letting her potentially getting confused by a man who seems to have his manipulation game dialed up. Or to be utterly unable or unwillig to keep up his end of the whole parenting deal. Either way, she is better off knowing that “getting in one’s feelings” is only acceptable AFTER fulfilling one’s obligations.
NTA. The baby daddy has it coming; even if your gf doesn’t like what you’re saying,you’re just pointing out how he’s still trying to keep her from moving forward.
As someone who has been in a situation that may be similar to this – NTA, kind of. You could have been more gentle about it. Also, if she shares a kid with this guy, she may not want to piss him off. It sucks, for both of you (and the kid), but volatile co-parents sometimes need to be ‘managed’. But I definitely second the suggestion that she and her ex should be using a co-parenting app and only communicate about the children. She needs to look into the ‘grey rock’ method.
Nah, you were being realistic. It sounds like she needed a reality check. NTA
NTA you are a real one
I don’t think you’re the asshole for reminding her of the wrongs he’s committed against her, but I think you are an asshole for how you went about it. I read through the comments, and guy, imo, it sounds like you’re trying to hold on to water. She sounds like she has issues that transcend her ex, and you seem to be very unaware of that. If you are fully aware of it, then you’re not acting like it. Maybe she still has a thing for him – she has bore a few of his children after all, and maybe she doesn’t bc she(?) left him. Her choices over child support and how he interacts with her kids does sound like choices most people would disapprove of, as well as her prideful refusal of help, even if it’s on behalf of her sick child. She’s showing clear signs of being a damaged woman with issues, and you’ve agreed with many commenters that she needs psychiatric help, yet you treat & talk to her like she isn’t deep in the forest of a warped headspace.
Look at her closely, because if this is the woman you desire to legally bind yourself to and procreate with, then you are seeing the reality of her behavior, personality, and her baggage. There’s clearly going to be battles with the ex and with certain mentalities you want her to change that are not going to happen after one talk. You honestly sound kind of controlling as well because you’re on here collecting advice about how she should interact with her ex moving forward (through parenting apps only) and what subjects she’s allowed to discuss with him.
At this point in things, she’s only your girlfriend, not your wife, not even your fiancee. She has cracks in her psyche and she shows it, so you cannot be angry and surprised when she acts like the problemed person she is. At this point, I think you need to stop and reflect on whether or not you want to continue forward with her. I’m sure she has very good traits you like about her, but she also has some bad ones that sound like a serious deal breaker to you. So, instead of forcing her to change, I think you should reflect on whether or not you’re prepared to buckle down and weather some turbulence as you gently support her healing journey on an emotional level, or you consider cutting your losses and walking. I understand that you’re angry about this, but you also sound like an impatient man, and she sounds like someone who needs kindness and patience.