My fiancee and I have a pretty relaxed relationship when it comes to outside friendships. In the three years we have been together, we’ve never questioned each other about who we hangout with or what we do with friends. My fiancee has a male coworker that she is pretty friendly with. Up until now, I’ve been totally fine with it. They both work in healthcare and, because of their jobs, sometimes have to talk outside of work (on the phone) fairly often. Usually, they’ll talk on the phone a couple times a month. But this week, he called her multiple times, and it didn’t really seem like it was about work every time. That struck me as a little odd. Still, since they’re both on call, I just chalked it up to work stuff and them being friendly.
Last night, she went out to dinner with two friends. When she got home, she told me that while she was waiting outside for an Uber, her male coworker just happened to drive by and see her, so he picked her up. Then, they went and had wine at his girlfriend’s house, who was out of town, apparently. A couple of things about this feel off to me. First, we live in one of the largest metro areas in the US. For him to be driving by in the same five-minute window she’s waiting outside for an Uber just seems unlikely. Plus, the restaurant she was at isn’t even that visible from the street. It’s set back, with hedges and trees out front. It would be pretty hard to just spot someone standing there. Then there’s the fact that they went drinking alone at his girlfriend’s house. I was told a few months ago, that he and his girlfriend had broken up but she said last night they had gotten back together kinda of sus but ok.
All of this just feels strange to me. On top of that, about a year ago, I picked her up from an event pretty drunk and on the way home, she told me how much she liked this coworker and felt bad for him do to work stuff etc. At the time, I didn’t think anything of it, drunk people say things, and I assumed it was just platonic. But now, looking back, I can’t help but connect that with what happened last night, and I feel like things could be heading in a direction that’s not entirely appropriate. Part of me wants to bring this up because it just feels off. But another part of me is worried that if I say something, she’ll feel like she can’t have male friends or be honest with me. How how do I bring this up without being accusatory if possible?
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There’s no innapropriate way to bring this up. That is absolutely unacceptable.
She cheated on you. Wake up and stop making excuses for her
Hmm. I script out tough conversations first. If I was having it, I would script something like this
“Hon, I need to talk to you about something that’s bothering me. Last week, Coworker was calling you a lot, and frankly it’s strange that he managed to run across you so quickly when you were out. I’m very uncomfortable with you drinking alone with him privately. Will you let me look through your phone?”
At that point, my partner would either let me look, which could go two ways:
If it reveals something, then obviously now it’s about broken trust and cheating, that’s a whole other post.
If it reveals nothing, I would thank my partner for letting me assuage my concerns, and pivot to a conversation about friend boundaries (no drinking alone at night).
The tricky part is if/when my partner would refuse to let me look.
I would assume that as an automatic confession of guilt to inappropriate behavior at best.
For me, I can’t move forward while trust is in question. So I would probably need to take a few days and consider more deeply how to continue. Trust would be badly shaken at that point and I personally believe it is the responsibility of the trust-breaker to figure out a solution.
So if some time had passed and my partner couldn’t or wouldn’t take steps to fix the trust, I think I’d be done.
Trust your instincts brother that definitely sounds off
C’mon she’s been cheating on you for at least a year. The old “just happened to drive by and see her” is verbatim out of the cheaters handbook. That fake scenario occurs in these heartbreak subs at least once weekly. You sniffed this out by the phone calls yet you are doubting your own perceptions here. Don’t gaslight yourself.
Fiancees do not do what she did with another man. The only way it’s his girlfriend’s house and not his is because he’s married and cannot have sex at his home. Or, he’s cheating on his girlfriend. Nothing is good here. I’d hire a PI if you want to stay engaged for another few weeks.
Shes likely cheating on you. Or doing drugs. Something. Likely cheating at a minimum. She’s hiding it. Has she cheated before? Run in the family?
I don’t think she cheated, she didn’t need to tell you ANY of that and could have just been like “dinner went late!” Don’t accuse her of anything. Just tell her how you feel and see if she’s comfortable agreeing not to hang out one on one socially with this coworker in private again.
Unfortunately, her actions showed that she does not respect you. If you accept her actions, she’ll lose any remaining respect she may have for you. The hard part of this is that you can’t accept this behavior, she cheated on you, and you deserve better – ironically she’ll gain respect for you when you don’t tolerate this behavior – but it’s too late.
I know it’s hard, but you have to end things now, focus on yourself, and take this as a lesson going forward in your next relationships.
Thank your lucky stars, she’s only tour fiancé. Leave now before you have 5 kids and a mortgage.
Truth is there were no friends, she went straight to him and fucked him hard.
Just tell her you went to the restaurant pretending that your fiancee lost her wallet there. But the video showed she didn’t go there at all. Trust me, this is what happened.
No Trust? No wedding. I’d say 75% she cheated in some form that night. Even if not, reverse the roles. Would you ever go to a female coworker’s house for drinks late at night? Of course not
For me, this is pretty damning evidence she cheated. I would probably dive straight into the breakup rather than accusations. If she started asking dumb questions I would calmly explain that:
“ her going to another man’s house late at night shows zero concern for our relationship and not telling me about it makes it all the worse. Even if by some miracle she didn’t cheat the distrust and paranoia that this incident would create is not something I can see myself living with for the rest of my life.
So anyway, I will be out of our place by the end of the month, you can have the couch, I’ll take the tv…. Et cetera.”
First you need to find out if that girlfriend is still in the picture. If so let her know what happened and if not then your girl is a fucking cheater. Bottom line.
If you want to sit back and let her make a fool out of you then by all means do so. If not kill the disease before it spreads.
Healthcare workers are notorious for having affairs. Trust your gut. This isn’t right. Have the conversation and just be honest and direct. It will be tough but better than dragging it out or trying to be creative.
I have not read all through the comments but this is your fiancée having drinks alone with another man in a house. Instead of bringing her straight home , they go to a place to have wine. I am not going to go any further because I don’t need to. Oh and he just got back with his girlfriend that’s out of town too convenient! So much to unpack when did she get home? How did she get home! My friend you need to have a hard “controlled” conversation about everything and be direct no beating around the bush about anything! Nothing about this is acceptable!
I stopped after the part where she runs into her coworker outside a random bar, as if the coworker didn’t know where she would be. Idk man, heard that a lot of people in healthcare are routine cheaters. Be safe out there
As you are driving through the city, you don’t happen to see and recognize the one person you’ve been texting all week in the brief 5 minutes they are outside a restaurant as a coincidence. C’mon, how gullible can you be? Either she’s cheating and lying or they are star-crossed soulmates that even the gods are doing everything in their power to unite. Either way, not looking good for you, look through her phone.
In almost every situation, I find that focusing on my feelings and wants is the most effective and non-inflammatory way to share.
Like, all of what you said makes sense to me as a suspicious situation, but it doesn’t really matter what the truth of the situation is… regardless of the truth, this situation doesn’t feel good to you, and there is something you’d like to change in order to feel more secure in your relationship.
At some point, I recommend reading the book Nonviolent Communication. It’s not perfect, and there are some valid critiques about it, but I think it has some really valuable insights into how to handle conflict in a way which helps avoid escalation. https://archive.org/details/nonviolent-communication-a-language-of-life-marshall-b-rosenberg-1
In this specific case, focus on how you’re feeling. Take what she says at face value for the sake of the conversation. Believe her (or act like it) as much as you can and focus on what you need from her moving forward to build your trust and assuage your concerns. Operate from a place of good faith, but find and agree on boundaries with your gf that will meet your needs.
An example of what I might say.
“Hey, I’m feeling anxious about your relationship with Coworker, and I’d like to reassurance from you about your recent behavior. When you changed plans last minute and spent time with him 1:1 I feel really suspicious, and I’d like to avoid this kind of thing in the future. Would you be willing to limit your time with Coworker to group settings, and especially avoid getting drunk with him?”
Other boundaries you might suggest: “Would you be willing to let me know if you’re changing plans and going to other people’s places instead of coming home? Knowing that you’ll let me know protectively if your plans will reinforce my trust.”
Your delusion is telling. It’s called cheating. Probably happening for years. Also more than one. Hopefully, you don’t have an std.
Just calmly ask her to clarify why they had to go to his GF place, knowing she wasn’t home, instead of going to his place? If she gets defensive and tries to turn it around claiming you’re paranoid or too controlling then you know she is aware what she did was wrong and lying to you.
If she has some logical reason for going to have drinks with a male co-worker alone, then you can tell her how uncomfortable this makes you feel and how inappropriate it was for someone engaged to be married. She’ll either see the error of her ways or (see above paragraph.)
The feelings you have because of her actions are 100% valid and should not be dismissed or ridiculed and you have every right to bring them up to her. Hopefully, she’ll realize how wrong it was and the two of you can have a heart-to-heart and work through this.
Any denial, gaslighting, or indifference from her and I’d break off the engagement. You deserve a future with someone that puts you the the relationship first.
What does your gut tell you? Whatever it is, trust that
OP’s comments are disturbing. He knows her story of being picked up randomly by the guy is bullshit, but is gonna pretend to believe her so he doesn’t lose her.
Man I’ll be honest she’s lying to you, I can’t say for certain she’s cheated yet but mental she has. It’s telling how all the twist and turns in her story just happens to end with them alone drinking at his house. Right after they have these long phone conversations and man your gut really doesn’t lie when it comes to these things
Edit: also did she just ditch her Uber and her plans just to run off with him? And him “happened to be driving by” is such bs man like you said in a big city
Find out if he really has or did get back with his girlfriend, if not lie number one and should be enough to start the trickle truthing. Doesn’t matter if a thing happened, which of course it did, what matters are everything you’ve noticed and hear on top of the huge boundary crossing (drinks, alone, apartment). She’s not your fiancé anymore, she just hasn’t made it official.
Sounds like she’s cheating and just wants to get a jump on the narrative before other info comes out. These aren’t coincidences, this meet up was planned. Chech through her phone and see if she actually had called and then cancelled the Uber, and look at the phone logs or texts. Good luck.
So it’s ok for her to go on a date at his so called girlfriends house
Do you have a female friend that your wife is not comfortable with??
Tell her that you’re meeting her at her house for some friend drinks, then leave. Come home at 3 or 4 in the morning
And if you feel she has been cheating on you, there’s always a lie detector to have done. I did it on my ex wife
She’s for the streets.
Oh man… I mean OP… you already mapped out the 🐂💩 here buddy. Im sorry… but you know that meet up wasnt coincidence, it was planned. She’s having a hard time hiding all th truth from you, so trickling to cover the trail. Thats my take. But… those that believe her story may want to go shopping for some ocean front property in Iowa.
Well, immediately before you discuss this you ask, real casual like to have the ring to look at or something… I’m sorry guy but this is way way off
I really wish people would start trusting their instincts more. You are NTA. Back out now. She has feelings for someone else and is obviously acting on them so it’s time to set her free.
This whole scenario is BS, and you know it.
Check for the cancelled uber to start then come to the slow realization she cheated on you.
Give us an update when you find out more!
This does not mean she’s cheating, but it is absolutely something she shouldn’t be doing, and you need to talk to her. Do it in a friendly way and be open to the possibility that you’re wrong, but see that this behavior ends or the relationship does.
Of course she should be able to have friends, but spontaneously ending up at his house drinking with no one else around is a pretty transparent fabrication. Your instinct is likely correct. The best case scenario is she’s lying to you about this friendship.
Not to be jerk. This seems sus my man. Hope we are all wrong here.
He brought her to his girlfriend’s house while she was out of town to drink wine with your girlfriend.
Why do you think he brought her there? To show her his favorite pieces is abstract art?
There is no way to inappropriately bring this up because what she did was completely inappropriate.
Why was she even “waiting for an uber?” I’m sure her boyfriend would have been happy to pick her up at the end of the night.
I wish people would just be honest with themselves… dude, they’re having sex. And she’s likely already planning on breaking up with you judging by how fond she’s grown of him and that he’s now single.
Your fiance is no longer your fiance.
Call off the marriage before you start wasting more time and money.
Just say I want to believe your version of the events of last night but I don’t.
Stop listening to everyone here who is creating elaborate narratives about what happened.
Talk to her. Tell her this whole scenario was a departure from the norm for your relationship and typical expectations, and it has made you feel uncomfortable. If she is defensive, then I’d say don’t trust her.
If she says you’re right and she can see your perspective, and that it looks sus, then you two need to evaluate if you still want to stay together.
Don’t do what people on Reddit tell you to do based on their made-up fantasies of what happened. Ultimately, you need to try to communicate and get to the truth and act accordingly.
Hey look up Occam’s Razor. Yep, I remember my ex girlfriend started getting dressed up, make up, primping in the mirror. It was just not normal and I asked about it. She lied, said she needed to start looking more professional, I got duped and bought it. Fast forward a month or so, announced she wanted to break up, no explanation and conveniently forgot to mention the emotional (or physical) affair – I figured that out later. Calculated deception from someone that you’ve built a relationship and trusted for years, still makes my head spin.
Sorry OP, but It sounds like your being played… it’s time you have a conversation about what your future holds for both of you. From what you’ve written- I don’t think you’re going to like what they’ve been up too! And I would NOT be rushing into a marriage with this stuff going on, sounds like she lying to you.. or she will trickle truth everything.
Go with what your gut is telling you. You are justifed in setting boundaries about alone drinking with others and asking questions. She is of course free to disagree, dismiss and disregard your concerns.
When you bring this up, pay very close attention to body language, vocal tone and eyes and you will have a better feel for what is really going on.
Good luck OP.
Just ask her how many times they’ve been intimate. She is definitely cheating
Then break up with her
Can you access her phone? Everything you need to know is probably there. It sounds pretty suspicious, but I can’t help but wonder why she’d say anything at all if there was something going on. Did she get home late and that was her excuse or did it just come up in casual conversation?
You’re right to question this, it does seem off to me however she DID tell you about, so you have to consider that as well. Be an adult about it. Tell her how it makes you feel off, that the relationship between the two of them has struck you a certain way. Everyone in here immediately saying she is cheating is going off their own bias, be an adult and talk to her
Sorry, man, she cheated on you.
Sounds suspicious. Not sure there’s an easy way to bring it up, nor do I think she’ll be honest about what happened.
Also, did you All just see that study that came out like last week about nurses/healthcare staff being more than 20% likely to cheat than any other profession? Nurses said they had affairs with co-workers due to closeness, long hours and stress of the job.
If he hasn’t been invited to your place to meet you, or if you haven’t all 3 socialized at some point, then I would be quite suspicious.
Even if nothing is actually going on, it seems dangerous to me.
It doesn’t matter if she cheated or not, she got herself in a position where the trust is gone. 0 thoughts or concerns about you in the process. I’m not big on ending marriages but you’re not married, just break it off and save the future expense and heartbreak.
Updateme
“…heading in a direct that’s not entirely appropriate”? Hello? It was heading in that direction. It has stopped heading that direction. The train has made it to the station and passenger has exited at not entirely appropriate. Wooo-wooo. Next stop completely inappropriate. All aboard!
Share a phone plan yet? If so, look at the billing. It should show how much they are calling and texting each other. It should also show times. You know what date and time she went out with her two friends. When was she talking to co worker that night? If they accidentally bumped in to each other then they are talking face to face and there wouldn’t be any record of communication.
If they were calling or texting that day or evening then they were probably arranging the accidental bumping into each other.
It could be she mentioned at work going out with friends, and where. Then coworker decided to keep circling the area until he accidentally saw her.
Sketchy. Updateme