So I (34 f) have a little sister (28 f) that needed somewhere to go to get her and her 3 small kids away from her abusive boyfriend. My wife and I had just moved across the country, back to my hometown, to be closer to the family literally about two weeks prior to us giving her somewhere safe to stay. Shortly after that she made up a story about taking the kids camping with her two best friends. Later, we find out (from the kids) that they were actually with said ex boyfriend. I sat her down and explained to her that I knew the truth and that I knew she lied to me. She altered the story slightly to include him saying he “just showed up” yet none of the other friends were even there😐
Fast forward to this weekend and my wife and I are out of town. Sister is at the housing watching the dogs so she reaches out and says her and her best friend are taking a trip to Colorado. Cool. I tell her to have so much fun. We converse a bit about Colorado over the weekend and then I went to text her again and her location popped up (she had said a few days before that she was setting up Siri and it must have messed up her location settings when I asked why her location was off). Her location said she was in Arkansas (which she used to take a lot of trips to when she was dating the ex boyfriend) so I straight up ask her “hey why are you in Arkansas?” And she replies saying they changed the plan due to money and I said “Is that true? Cause I know you went to AR with *ex boyfriend” all the time and really hope you’re not lying to me again”. She went on to assure me she was telling the truth even adding in more detail about her friend and what they did.
That was yesterday. I got an unrelated call today from one of my best friends. We talked about things in our lives going on since I’d been out of state and then she asks if my sister was dating that guy again. I ask her why she’d ask and she says because they just went on a trip together and she saw it on facebook. He posted multiple pictures and even named the exact place my sister had claimed to be with her friend.
I set a boundary, after the first lie, that if she wanted to live with us then she couldn’t also be with him. Now, if she wants to go date that loser then it’s her life and she absolutely can…just not while living with us. Also, that she can’t lie to me. We are trusting her with our home, our pets, and everything that comes with it. It’s supposed to be our safe space and this guy is OFF THE RAILS with alcohol, drugs, and violence.
Am I the asshole for wanting to kick her out for lying to me and hanging out with him?
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So I (34 f) have a little sister (28 f) that needed somewhere to go to get her and her 3 small kids away from her abusive boyfriend. My wife and I had just moved across the country, back to my hometown, to be closer to the family literally about two weeks prior to us giving her somewhere safe to stay. Shortly after that she made up a story about taking the kids camping with her two best friends. Later, we find out (from the kids) that they were actually with said ex boyfriend. I sat her down and explained to her that I knew the truth and that I knew she lied to me. She altered the story slightly to include him saying he “just showed up” yet none of the other friends were even there😐
Fast forward to this weekend and my wife and I are out of town. Sister is at the housing watching the dogs so she reaches out and says her and her best friend are taking a trip to Colorado. Cool. I tell her to have so much fun. We converse a bit about Colorado over the weekend and then I went to text her again and her location popped up (she had said a few days before that she was setting up Siri and it must have messed up her location settings when I asked why her location was off). Her location said she was in Arkansas (which she used to take a lot of trips to when she was dating the ex boyfriend) so I straight up ask her “hey why are you in Arkansas?” And she replies saying they changed the plan due to money and I said “Is that true? Cause I know you went to AR with *ex boyfriend” all the time and really hope you’re not lying to me again”. She went on to assure me she was telling the truth even adding in more detail about her friend and what they did.
That was yesterday. I got an unrelated call today from one of my best friends. We talked about things in our lives going on since I’d been out of state and then she asks if my sister was dating that guy again. I ask her why she’d ask and she says because they just went on a trip together and she saw it on facebook. He posted multiple pictures and even named the exact place my sister had claimed to be with her friend.
I set a boundary, after the first lie, that if she wanted to live with us then she couldn’t also be with him. Now, if she wants to go date that loser then it’s her life and she absolutely can…just not while living with us. Also, that she can’t lie to me. We are trusting her with our home, our pets, and everything that comes with it. It’s supposed to be our safe space and this guy is OFF THE RAILS with alcohol, drugs, and violence.
Am I the asshole for wanting to kick her out for lying to me and hanging out with him?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1 kicking my little sister out of my house
2 she has kids and may return her abusive ex
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA. You set clear, fair boundaries and she chose to break them. You’re protecting your home, not being petty.
TBH, NTA at all man. Sucks she’s going thru a tough time but she’s gotta respect ur house rules esp. when it involves a violent ex. She’s taking advantage of ur kindness and trust, which ain’t cool. You’re lookin out for your fam and that’s what matters most. Tough love’s necessary sometimes.
NTA and completely right
I’d say NTA, but I also wouldn’t quite go nuclear yet. It can take a few…attempts???…to fully leave an abusive relationship, especially if it’s been ongoing for years. It’s what you’re used to and what you know. Might make staying contingent upon some type of counseling to help her address the “relapse?”
NTA. Do you have other family she could go to? If it was just her, I’d boot her. I understand leaving that kind of relationship isn’t as simple as some might make it out to be, but at the same time, she’s not trying very hard it seems.
Can the kids go with your other family? That’s hard, but honestly at some point if she’s consistently exposing them to him, they’re already not in a safe place. May sadly be a CPS situation.
NTA
Have the friend send you screenshots for proof before you talk to her.
At this point you don’t even know if ex has been inside your new house while you’ve been gone.
Let her know you’re putting up cameras and you will let CPS know she’s back with the abusive ex and it’s impacting the kids.
She can fess up and get her act together or find alternatives.
Protect your peace.
NTA. Trust is the basis for any healthy relationship. She has proven she does not value your trust therefore she does not value your relationship. She needs to understand she cannot abuse your kindness. Tough love her out of your house so she can learn the value of trust.
INFO: Have you done much research on helping someone in an abusive relationship? What would happen to the kids?
Also just to add some context- the kids are not his and they dated for about a year with MANY breakups throughout and even phone calls to me when I was visiting to legitimately come save her from him when he was being violent. I’ve been in a few abusive relationships myself so I understand that aspect but it’s just such a bummer that she’s put us in this position :/
YTA.
Do I think your sister should be with a loser? Of course not. But what you are doing is the best way to get her back together with him. If you kick her out, she will have nowhere else to go and she’ll be alone.
You have my empathy. It’s incredibly hard to see someone be with an abuser. I saw my mother do it. Her family cut her off because they didn’t like my father and that meant she had no support and nowhere to go when she did think about leaving him.
Is there any way you could get professional advice about how to handle this? A hotline or a therapist? I’m no expert but I’d start by telling her that you have thought about the situation. You don’t want to abuse and control her so you won’t set rules about her relationships. You will be there for her. You hope she won’t go back to her ex even though it must be hard to be alone. You don’t want the ex in your house and hope she will do the right thing but can’t force her. Good luck.
NTA
But if I were you I’d contact a domestic violence charity or something along those lines, explain the situation and see if they can give you any advice on how to deal with this
Sadly OP a combination of low self esteem and him manipulating her into thinking she caused it and mistaking his control for love may make her think she can “change” him
Nope. NTAH. She has lied multiple times, and this is unacceptable. Tell her to get out. It’s not your responsibility to house her, especially when she don’t see her way clear to tell you the truth.
NTA if you will be back before her you need to pack her stuff and have it on the porch waiting.
NAH
Ultimately it is up to you who you would like in your home or not, but abusive relationships are complex and trying to pressure someone to leave is a very ineffective way to support them. Leveraging your sister’s current shelter will not necessarily make her less likely to contact her ex. It will only mean that if she had a proverbial “relapse,” she will lose that shelter and likely to be forced to rely on her ex for support. It might be more helpful to open communication up and allow your sister to speak freely about how she’s feelings about her abusive relationship without judgement that way she doesn’t feel like she needs to hide her actions to avoid a negative reaction. Its the same set up as if a teenager is drinking. Punishing them will only teach them to be sneaky. You want them to feel safe to tell you what’s going on and to go to you for support if need be. Please be patient with your sister. She is taking on an extrememy difficult task. What will help her most is feeling like she is in control of her own life and can make her own choices without needing to cater to anyone else’s demands, good or bad
NTA. Where are the kids during all this, and are they his?
Nta. Since the kids have a stable father in their life who will take them in full-time in the scenario I think ultimately with your sister continuing to lie and living in your home while she’s supposed to be saving money to move out while she has a stable job that you need to sit down and have a deadline for her being out of the house. She has all the things she needs to do what she needs to do. If she is supposed to be there saving up money to get out on her own then she needs to be doing that not taking trips to places or going and hang out with her supposably ex-boyfriend. So give her a deadline. Tell her she has 30 days 60 days Etc to move out of the house. I definitely would make sure that your house has a security system cuz I do see that you are worried that her ex will show up at the house that she’s currently seeing.
NTA. and since i saw another comment where you said the kids have an involved father, i would totally get in touch with him if you kick her out. she claims he is abusive and then not only runs back to him multiple times, but drags the kids along too. that is NOT an okay situation for them.
No, but if he is abusive, you are opening up your self, and your family to violence.
I wouldn’t kick her out for lying.. you should tell her that if they are in contact, you are concerned that he will show up at your house, and that is not a situation you are willing to put your wife in.
You are kicking her out for turning a safe environment for her, into an unsafe environment for you.
You are absolutely NTAH!! These people telling you to be patient and confronting her will cause her to be more secretive!! That’s crazy!! She’s an adult and responsible for her own actions!! It’s not your responsibility to house her while allowing her to be in contact with her abusive and addicted boyfriend.. She is putting your family in danger with this guy!! Tell her she needs to call mom and dad and stay with them not you!!
“It’s supposed to be our safe space and this guy is OFF THE RAILS with alcohol, drugs, and violence.”
NTA. She lied, put herself at risk, put her children at risk.
While I understand she is an abuse victim and her faculties are compromised, you cannot invite this into your world without putting your family at risk.
Furthermore, if she cannot stay away from him, the children’s father should be made aware in detail.
Nope, not at all. She FA’d now she goin FO… she would not be welcome any place that I am from now on…
She has just declined your assistance and help. She’s a grown adult and must be shown boundaries or she is going to know that she can walk all over you too (just like her boyfriend has done to her).
She’s lying and using. 🙁