Anyone have good advice for women in their 20’s that don’t have family financial or emotional support that have to do everything on their own? I am thankful to be very successful and comfortable, in spite of not having family relationships. Advice on how to deal with the pressure and heaviness of carrying it all?
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I’m a woman in my thirties who’s not doing it alone anymore, but I was in my twenties.
Parents shunned me when i left their fundie group. Lived alone with absolutely no family support or community as the church community and all my childhood friends evaporated from my life the moment I left. I was living pay cheque to pay cheque in this cute little apartment that I still think about fondly even though it was a literal shoebox with crazy screaming neighbors. I wondered what would happen to me if I got… i dunno, murdered on a first date… or needed treatment for a terminal illness… whether anyone would worry about me.
I remember one time having strep throat and spiking a fever of 104 and thinking to myself that no one would find my body for days, or even weeks if I died. The loneliness absolutely breaks you into pieces and I can completely understand WHY people can lose their grasp on reality when they only have themselves to count on.
Eventually I found my new village after painstaking trial and error, I met my partner at 29 and now i’ve inherited his parents, siblings, nieces and nephews as my own. I show up to their home and their dog is so happy to see me. I’ve never had a pet growing up so it feels like I get to heal parts of myself that I thought I missed out on. His mom always buys little things for me at christmas knowing I won’t be getting anything from my own family.
Family is what you make it… not what you are born with. You’d be surprised who else is out there looking to create chosen family as well.
It’s hard! I got through it by finding a community that I can lean on. Build a network of friends and neighbors who are there for you, and accept help when you need it.
I’m in my 40’s, and have been doing that my entire adult life. The best thing I’ve found is not to think about how heavy it is because what, honestly, is the alternative to just putting one foot in front of the other and doing the thing?? I’m all my kids have and I’m all I have. I guess I’m just used to it at this point. Like we say in road cycling, it doesn’t get easier, you just get better.
I will say, though, I feel a lot better being friends with people who are also playing on difficult mode in some way. I tried being friends with people who were playing on easy mode (this was how I learned that most of my colleagues come from way better families than I do), and they always ended up saying really insensitive things and just not being very good friends for me. The ones who are also missing a piece of the puzzle as far as the typically assumed conditions of successful adulthood, usually are really compatible friends for me. Their missing piece doesn’t have to be a good family. One of my best friends has a great family that has helped her numerous times, but has struggled to establish herself professionally. I am the exact Yin to that Yang, but we get each other because, to use another road cycling analogy, we’ve each got headwinds and tailwinds in approximately equal measure, and understand the intricacies of it. Like, odds are great that if one of us is having a problem, the typical solution isn’t available, but some kind of workaround using the good things we do have at our disposal will be. Friends who get things like that are valuable.
But at the end of the day, I built my own safety net and became that for my kids because what the hell choice did I have? One foot in front of the other.
I was doing it alone in my 20s and someone once flippantly told me “you’re not the first and you’re not the last.” Now, while that’s kinda shitty to hear when you feel like you’re floundering and doing so much, it did help me recontextualize wtf was going on with my life. It also helped ground me to the reality that if someone else is going through this nonsense, then someone has found a way out. I went deep into trial and error mode and eventually found my exit. You have to invest in the relationships that are healthy and helpful and supportive so you can survive this time.
I’m wishing you the best!