I (34F) and my partner (37M) were out at a social event with his daughter (13F) and my parents. My partner drank heavily, including Jack Daniel’s — something we both had agreed he would avoid due to his tendency to pick fights while drinking it.
After waiting around 35–40 minutes for him to sort a ride home, I went to ask him for the house keys so I could arrange our own transport. I believe I asked politely and lightheartedly, even telling him he was free to stay out if he wanted.
In response, he screamed “Get f*cked” in my face in front of others, including my family and his daughter, then stormed out. Later, when I told him how hurtful and disrespectful his outburst was, he blamed me for being rude and claimed I “deserved” his response, saying that’s the only way I’d “learn.” He maintained this stance the next day while sober.
I am now questioning whether I’m in the wrong for standing my ground, even though I truly don’t believe I was disrespectful.
Key points:
*He broke a mutual agreement not to drink Jack Daniel’s.
*I made a reasonable request after waiting a long time.
*His reaction was public, aggressive, and inappropriate.
*He has shown no remorse and believes his behavior was justified.
Comments
^^^^AUTOMOD Thanks for posting! READ THIS COMMENT – DO NOT SKIM. This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read this before contacting the mod team.
I (34F) and my partner (37M) were out at a social event with his daughter (13F) and my parents. My partner drank heavily, including Jack Daniel’s — something we both had agreed he would avoid due to his tendency to pick fights while drinking it.
After waiting around 35–40 minutes for him to sort a ride home, I went to ask him for the house keys so I could arrange our own transport. I believe I asked politely and lightheartedly, even telling him he was free to stay out if he wanted.
In response, he screamed “Get f*cked” in my face in front of others, including my family and his daughter, then stormed out. Later, when I told him how hurtful and disrespectful his outburst was, he blamed me for being rude and claimed I “deserved” his response, saying that’s the only way I’d “learn.” He maintained this stance the next day while sober.
I am now questioning whether I’m in the wrong for standing my ground, even though I truly don’t believe I was disrespectful.
Key points:
He broke a mutual agreement not to drink Jack Daniel’s.
I made a reasonable request after waiting a long time.
His reaction was public, aggressive, and inappropriate.
He has shown no remorse and believes his behavior was justified.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our voting guide here, and remember to use only one judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> When asking for the keys, I believe I wasn’t rude or disrespectful, but if I was, I honestly didn’t intend it.
I do, however, believe that him screaming “Get f*cked” in my face in a public place is completely unacceptable and he should apologise.
AITA for standing my ground on this, or should I just apologise for something I truly don’t believe I’ve done wrong?
Help keep the sub engaging!
Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
Click Here For Our Rules and Click Here For Our FAQ
Subreddit Announcements
Follow the link above to learn more
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA But I’m going to be giving you some tough love . . .
This does NOT sound like a healthy relationship! SO many red flags in just the little you’ve told us here:
I’d venture to say this isn’t the first time he’s done all of the items listed above. Maybe not all for the same situation, but I’m guessing this is “par for the course” for him. And, there is no way that you could have phrased your request that would have produced a different outcome. When people respond in the ways you describe, even the slightest comment (not even critique or complaint) will be seen as an attack. That’s entirely on him, not you.
So, here’s the tough love . . . do you truly think so little of yourself that you’d want to stay in a relationship like this? Every single one of the 4 red flags listed is an indicator that he does NOT respect you, or your feelings. And numbers 2 & 3 are usually precursors to physical violence.
Please, get out of this relationship. Now. And go get some therapy to help you recover from the damage he’s likely already done to you.
NTA, but I would seriously consider some sort of counseling for this relationship and and reconsider the standard you’re putting for not only your future children (I’m assuming you don’t have any together) and your stepdaughter. A mean drunk says sober thoughts, and him sticking to his guns about you ‘deserving’ being shouted at is a terrible standard to set. You say he’s a heavy drinker: is that polite terms for a functional alcoholic? I think more info would be nice but all in all, he was wrong for yelling at you like that.
NTA. You are in the wrong, but that’s for being on reddit instead of talking to a divorce lawyer. I mean, just the breaking of the agreement would be enough for many people in your shoes. But afterwards not even apologizing, and blaming you for it? I don’t see how you can ever trust him again.
So he is an emotionally abusive alcoholic and he has somehow convinced you that you are the asshole? Girl, get out now!
NTA
NTA. If my husband spoke to me that way, sober or not, I’d be looking up divorce lawyers that same day.
Nta! Run away from him and family now!
He’s belligerent and not sorry. Something has to change. If he won’t you have to decide how you will.
NTA
He sounds like a real ass
You are NTA.
He did a DARVO.
Deny
Attack
Reverse Victim and Offender.
Tell him to hit the road, Jack!
darling, you know you did nothing wrong. You’re looking for confirmation to leave him and it’s okay. nta
You’re married to a rude and disrespectful alcoholic.
INFO: why are you putting up with this?
What was it that he thought you needed to “learn”? To let him drink when you had agreed that he wouldn’t. You did nothing wrong. NTA
Why does every post I read in AITA today include a specific branded beverage? Is there some sort of writing prompt going around?
>and claimed I “deserved” his response, saying that’s the only way I’d “learn.”
What are you supposed to “learn” from this? To be a doormat and let him do whatever he wants because he’s ‘the man’?
You know this isn’t sustainable. Get out of the relationship NOW!
NTA
No one should yell at you like that, no matter what the circumstances. It sounds like you were making healthy choices, as he was clearly in no state to drive. He needs anger management therapy. You might also go to marriage counseling. A safe spave to talk about your concerns and obstacles in your marriage can be really helpful.
Sounds like you should consider whether you want to continue your relationship with this guy considering he gets drunk and picks fights, etc. God help you if you ever actually marry him; next thing will probably be spousal assault when he is drunk and being told that you deserve to be hit
why are you here when you obviously should be packing and leaving? NTA. girl, gtf outta there.
My Dad would have clocked his ass if he screamed in my face like that.
NTA 1. He’s a drunk. 2. He’s abusive in front of his female child. 3. I would absolutely “get f*cked”…by someone else after I had him served.
NTA and you need a new partner.
Nobody, drunk or sober, should speak to someone they supposedly care for in that way.
How long are you going to let him treat you like that?
>I am now questioning whether I’m in the wrong for standing my ground, even though I truly don’t believe I was disrespectful.
Not sure you are questioning the right things here.
Even if you were disrespectful (doesn’t sound like it) his response is WAY out of line. Question his behavior.
He is digging his heels in and sees nothing to apologize for. Question his respect for you.
He either can’t or won’t limit is drinking and is aggressive when drinking. Question if he has a drinking problem.
The keys are not the issue, how you asked for them is not the issue. His drinking, his behavior while drinking, and his response to his drinking. Your doubting your sanity. Those are the issues.
This interwebs stranger wants your partner to be a safe space to fall, not someone you have to tip toe around.
nta
NTA, babe you deserve better. As said in a previous comment he not only yelled at you but in front of his teenage daughter who will now think that’s normal and acceptable behavior from boys. Don’t let her see you take that shit laying down. You need to be strong for her alone honestly. Stand your ground mama.
NTA. In 15 years of marriage (19 years together), I’ve raised my voice to my wife…one time (“Will you just shut up about it!?”). Which led to her cackling because my face then went white as a ghost because I knew I just messed up big time (and I apologized IMMEDIATELY). That’s extremely disrespectful.
Please leave this belligerent, dangerous alcoholic before he hurts you and your daughter. Obviously NTA.
NTA, but you will be to yourself if you accept that abuse. He ought to be ashamed of himself, but he is doubling down. You are not in a good, nor safe place.
NTA. Your partner is an abusive alcoholic. Leave him. He has shown him who he is and how little respect he has for you.
NTA. This man sounds like he has a drinking problem and even if he doesn’t drink often the fact he behaves this way and then doesn’t see an issue with it when he’s sober is alarming. Football field sized red flag. I would honestly jump ship
You’re not an whole. He is. Dump his ass and get one with life.
NTA. I think you should leave. I’m sure this isn’t out of character for him.
I think you need to refer to him as your ex partner.
You are not wrong for standing your ground, you are wrong for staying married to such an AH.