this might be kind of a weird post to read lol or at least i feel like it’s a weird post to write but i feel like i’m at a loss and i would really appreciate some advice. i am 17f and my boyfriend is 17m. we’ve been dating for a little over a year and a half. we are both very physical-touch people, and in the first couple of months of us getting together, we did almost all the things (like everything except making it to home base?). that stuff continued to happen until a few months ago. for the last few months, i’ve started feeling kind of uncomfortable with the action of making out with and doing sexual acts with my boyfriend. every time one of us tries to initiate something, it’s like a voice pops up in the back of my head and tells me that i shouldn’t be doing this and i should feel ashamed, and then i start to feel disgusted with myself and i want to stop whatever we’re doing.
at first i felt really conflicted because i was always in the mood and i always wanted to do stuff with him and often times i was even the one to initiate it, but then once it was happening, i’d have to stop because i felt so gross with myself. my boyfriend is really understanding about it and he never makes me do anything i don’t want to do, but i was just really confused as to why i was feeling this way all of a sudden.
and now, recently, i’ve lost my appetite for doing things with him almost completely. every time he tries to make out with me, it feels like i’m almost immediately rejecting it. part of me still wants to do all the things he wants to do, but physically, i just can’t let it happen. i feel so awful because i know my boyfriend is trying to be understanding but i also know he feels hurt and feels like i don’t find him attractive anymore because i never want to make out with him or do anything physical like i used to.
the only thing i can think of that would makes sense is my mother – i have a very strict and religious mother who does not allow me to have a boyfriend (obviously i do anyway) and i grew up being told that kissing and sex and all things of that nature are wrong and gross and i shouldn’t do them. that might be translating into the little voice in my head that tells me i’m doing something wrong when i want to be intimate with my boyfriend, but i just don’t understand where it came from, because i used to enjoy being physical without any shame. and i especially don’t understand why i am so hesitant to cooperate with being physical now. do i find my boyfriend unattractive and i don’t even know it? is there something wrong with me?
i don’t really know what’s going on but i just want to learn how to feel comfortable with myself and my sexuality again because i don’t want to feel ashamed of myself anymore, and i don’t want my boyfriend to feel unloved, because i really do care about him so much.
edit: i’m realizing that some of this post doesn’t really even make sense, but i can answer any questions to clarify things. any advice would be appreciated honestly
Comments
What you’re describing sounds like a mix of internalized shame and anxiety around physical intimacy. Growing up being told that anything intimate is gross or shameful will mess with your head. But it’s not just about your upbringing either. Sometimes it’s about how you see yourself, your relationship, or even how you compare yourself to friends who might be more sxually active or comfortable. That can create pressure, even if you’re not aware of it at first. Feeling like you’re “supposed” to be doing certain things can make it harder to actually want to do them.
Give yourself time to figure out where it’s really coming from. And don’t feel like you owe anyone not even your bf physical affection just to prove how much you care. Explore what you enjoy and don’t enjoy on your own. Watch videos, read, use your imagination, or whatever and see if you still feel that gnawing uncomfortableness. Or if you still want to work it out with him, continue what you are doing but gradually lead up to it. Take your time. Also be safe and use contraception.
Don’t push. That will only make it worse and incite even more panic and even resentment.
If you are going to fool around I would recommend that you get on contraception. These biological urges are extremely strong and many people, even in the sub, have made mistakes and ended up pregnant. Don’t let that be you.
Go at your own pace. Don’t try to rush yourself or try to make yourself comfortable.
You will have to come to terms with your values versus your mother’s versus your religion, but that is not going to happen when you are trying to be physical with your boyfriend. That is decisions that happens in your mind when you are alone.