I work at a pub, it’s a small country pub with almost entirely locals who drink there and it’s incredibly rare for there to be any issues, and the locals would always ‘deal with it internally’ if anything did happen. The other day, it was just me and the landlord working on a quiet night and essentially a rough looking group of people tried to cause an issue, the landlord dealt with it verbally and diffused the situation well, although it could potentially have turned into something much worse.
My boyfriend and his dad were drinking at the bar on the other side, with a partial view to the bottom bar. His dad was trying to catch my boyfriend’s attention to make him aware that they might need to intervene and he was in a world of his own. I’m a 5’0, 100lb woman who can hold my own verbally and the landlord is older, with health problems. My boyfriend was quite upset with himself afterwards when his dad pointed it out to him, but it made me realise that this has happened quite a few times in our relationship.
Several times at the pub, someone has either been rude or made me uncomfortable. My boyfriend has sat at the bar, unaware there was a problem until it was resolved. We went out for my friend’s birthday a few months ago, a couple of times men stared at me in an unpleasant way, my male friends did something to stop them and my boyfriend was annoyed that he didn’t do anything. At the end of the night, a man had a glass smashed in his face and we were all sat at the closest table to this, he was only aware of anything going on when the glass flew everywhere.
A couple of times he’s seen someone as some sort of potential threat and completely misread the situation, it was clearly someone not overly well dressed minding their own business or someone being particularly loud and clearly messing around with their friends.
When we’ve gone out in areas that aren’t as nice as places he’s used to (He has had a very privileged upbringing and mum and dad have always made every choice for him), he’s convinced it’s going to ‘kick off’ and doesn’t want to go out, then gets even more annoyed when I point out that he probably wouldn’t even notice if it did anyway.
Comments
Login here to leave a comment
Your boyfriend sounds avoidant and honestly, the whole noticing things after they happen seems like selective vision, almost like he’s hoping that the situation will just go away. What’s concerning is that he’d rather let people get hurt, people that he actually knows like yourself, than put himself at potential risk.
Sounds like a boyfriend problem… what is this guy’s deal?
Sounds like a boyfriend problem… what is this guy’s deal?
Yeah, sounds like standard fare.
There are men out there who will say they’re protectors with their whole chest because they’d slay a literal dragon for you.
No figurative or metaphorical ones, though.
Women consistently protect women a million times more often than men will.
Check out any club or bar bathroom. A woman is crying? They are instantly surrounded by a group of women that will build her up and get her home safe. Maybe with a new lipstick.
Sounds like he is just bad with situational awareness. A lot of people are. He probably shouldn’t work in a field that requires it.
they want to be known as protectors but are indignant about any expectation of vigilance or standing up for people.
In my experience, when some men “protect“ women it’s usually because the man’s ego is threatened. If he feels like someone is threatening his property or insulting him, he will react. Otherwise they don’t care.
When I was first married we lived in a country with lots of street harassment. Of course it wasn’t as bad when I was out with him, but still there were stares, comments in a language they thought I didn’t speak, the “accidental” bumping into me with muttered comments, etc.
Of course I noticed these things. I was on hyper alert at all times. My husband just… didn’t. He was able to walk freely in public with only the fear of a pickpocket, maybe. His nervous system wasn’t constantly activated due to years of traumatic experiences with street harassment. He just didn’t see it.
That fact wasn’t his fault. It’s just a lack of trauma. And it’s likely not your boyfriend’s fault either. BUT what he does now IS his responsibility.
You’ve mentioned there were several times that you felt unsafe, why isn’t he teaching himself to be aware of his surroundings–for your sake? He’s getting annoyed with himself when he fails to respond–why is he so focused on his own emotions instead of yours when you’re the one who actually experienced a scary situation?
How does he respond when you have discussions about this? Does he get defensive or does he listen? Does he blame or minimise your feelings, or does he take actual steps to become a better partner? I think that is more important, because that shows who he really is.
One of the most thought provoking things I heard about men and women was a woman saying that in terms of men protecting women, they are needed only to protect women from men. Therefore if men didn’t exist, we would no longer need them.
Any time a man tells you that he will protect you – as a reason why you should be with him – ask him what he is protecting you from?
Invariably it’s other men.
It’s basically an extortion racket much like the mob guys who used to go around demanding money from shop keepers so their shop doesn’t get robbed or burned down. “It would be a shame if something happened to your nice restaurant.”
There’s the same implied threat of violence there. Either from them or someone else, which they also benefit from.