So my sister (18F) and I (16M) have a mutual friend (also 18F) who’s going to college later this summer in Boston, moving from our fuckass little town in the middle of the woods to a city with hundreds of thousands of people. This friend is pretty introverted and doesn’t make new friends very easily, and my sister (who’s going to a completely different college) is demanding that our friend put herself out there and talk to as many new people as possible, because in her mind, if you don’t immediately make friends within the first few weeks of college, you won’t ever make friends for the rest of your academic career, or something. In order to prevent our friend from lying just to get my sister to leave her alone, my sister has decided that whenever this friend claims to have met someone that she likes, she will search through social media in order to find said person and “stalk them” (yes, she really used those exact words), in order to I guess make sure they’re someone our friend would really get along with?? As an introverted person myself, I know that kind of behavior would creep me out, not only if I was in my friend’s position, but also if I was the person being stalked on social media without my consent. I’m not sure how my friend feels about this, or if she even knows what’s happening. My sister first told me about her plan during our lunch period, and then brought it up again at the dinner table with my parents around, and she seemed weirdly proud of herself too. At this point I got kinda fed up and told my sister that she was being really creepy towards our friend, but both of my parents defended her, saying that “it’s for [friend’s name]’s own good” and my sister was “just trying to help her”. I talked to my mom later about it, and she said that while it was a little weird, that I should just let my sister do what she wants with her friends and not interfere. Anyway, since the two most trusted adults in my life aren’t really doing anything, I thought it would be just a swell idea to ask for advice from strangers on the internet, so what do y’all think? Is my sister being weird, or is this just something that normal friends do?
Comments
^^^^AUTOMOD Thanks for posting! READ THIS COMMENT – DO NOT SKIM. This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read this before contacting the mod team.
So my sister (18F) and I (16M) have a mutual friend (also 18F) who’s going to college later this summer in Boston, moving from our fuckass little town in the middle of the woods to a city with hundreds of thousands of people. This friend is pretty introverted and doesn’t make new friends very easily, and my sister (who’s going to a completely different college) is demanding that our friend put herself out there and talk to as many new people as possible, because in her mind, if you don’t immediately make friends within the first few weeks of college, you won’t ever make friends for the rest of your academic career, or something. In order to prevent our friend from lying just to get my sister to leave her alone, my sister has decided that whenever this friend claims to have met someone that she likes, she will search through social media in order to find said person and “stalk them” (yes, she really used those exact words), in order to I guess make sure they’re someone our friend would really get along with?? As an introverted person myself, I know that kind of behavior would creep me out, not only if I was in my friend’s position, but also if I was the person being stalked on social media without my consent. I’m not sure how my friend feels about this, or if she even knows what’s happening. My sister first told me about her plan during our lunch period, and then brought it up again at the dinner table with my parents around, and she seemed weirdly proud of herself too. At this point I got kinda fed up and told my sister that she was being really creepy towards our friend, but both of my parents defended her, saying that “it’s for [friend’s name]’s own good” and my sister was “just trying to help her”. I talked to my mom later about it, and she said that while it was a little weird, that I should just let my sister do what she wants with her friends and not interfere. Anyway, since the two most trusted adults in my life aren’t really doing anything, I thought it would be just a swell idea to ask for advice from strangers on the internet, so what do y’all think? Is my sister being weird, or is this just something that normal friends do?
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our voting guide here, and remember to use only one judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I told my sister that the way she was behaving was “creepy”, which I feel like may have been a really harsh choice of words and/or could have been offensive to my sister
Help keep the sub engaging!
Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
Click Here For Our Rules and Click Here For Our FAQ
Subreddit Announcements
Follow the link above to learn more
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
You’re NTA. As an introvert, I’d be mortified. Then again, I suck at asking for or receiving help. I’d sooner do the work of three people than ask for help.
NTA. That is very weird behavior. I get wanting to make sure a friend doesn’t get involved with people who would hurt them, but this doesn’t sound like that. We introverts are perfectly capable of finding friends on our own and at our own pace.
NTA
Your sister is being very creepy not only towards your friend but to people she doesn’t even know. Tell your friend to keep her social media private and maybe block your sister on everything.
NTA
Your sister sounds bossy and controlling.
She needs to learn to stay in her lane.
By stalking them, your sister is going to chase off the very people your friend finds and give the friend a bad reputation.
But if I was the friend, I’d distance myself from your sister too since she’s overstepping so much trying to conduct someone else’s life.
Friend doesn’t need to “practice on” anybody, which is also a kinda shitty way to treat people.
Your friend will find people who resonate with her, in her own time.
Tell sis to back off.
NTA. Your sister’s behavior isn’t weird at all–for a control freak! Your sister, like lots of folks, thinks that introverted people go against nature and that we have to be prodded along and looked after to make sure we don’t end up by ourselves. Unfortunately for the introverts in your sister’s life, she will use her controlling freakishness (and her Nancy Drew-like internet sleuthing skills!) to force them into extrovertedness, or what she deems as “normal”. I’m sure she tries to force other things she thinks should change, as well. I’m also an introvert, and would find her stalking behavior creepy, and intrusive, but I don’t think it’s unusual behavior for her personality type. Good luck to you and your mutual friend, and all the introverts in your sister’s life.
NTA. Introvert or not, this would be obvious red flag behavior for me. I’m gonna spit here so I could be totally off the mark, but by any chance is this the first time either are leaving your hometown? She might be navigating a huge change like this by searching for control, especially relating to their relationship that will inherently be different. Whether she’s jealous of potential new relationships or wants to feel like she still has control within theirs, this sounds like something deeper. If not, then holy shit that’s creepy as hell. I think you’ve done the right thing and ultimately all you can, it’s up to the friend to decide how to move forward.
Your sister is weird af. NTA.
Boy wait until you find out what some women do before they go on a first date with a guy. I do think it’s a little weird that your sister is doing this on behalf of her friend. NTA
What your sister’s saying and planning to do are amazingly weird, as well as controlling and, yes, creepy.
You don’t say what you’re planning to do about it, so I can’t quite say if your intended actions are asshole ones or not, but if you just mean “AITA to think this is weird?”, then no, NTA at all.
Two potential courses of action:
Which one depends on whether you think it’d be better to get forgiveness or permission, or I guess on which type of freakout you’d rather deal with. (Or maybe the deciding factor for you is that it’s most critical to make sure friend is aware, so if warning your parents and sister first would make it so that you couldn’t tell your friend, then option 2 might be off the table.)
BTW, why does your sister think your friend will lie to her about her social life? Does your friend have a history of lying? (Or does your sister have a history of being so overbearing and controlling that people lie to her to get her to stop bothering them?)
NAH. This isn’t about being introverted or extroverted. This is about boundaries. While I think your sister is hugely crossing them, it’s between her and her friend.
I also think this sounds like the kind of thing you plan and do when you’re 18 and you and your best friend are about to be separated and you’re terrified you’ll grow apart and so you find weird ways to stay involved in their life so you feel like you’re still close. So while I’m not saying your POV is wrong, I am saying give your sister a little bit of a break on where she’s coming from with this overbearing idea.
NTA sounds like your sister wants to own and control the introvert and will sabotage any new relationship she starts.
NTA. Warn your friend what your sister is planning, so she can make a fully-informed decision on what to do. If her decision is to just cut your sister off, don’t feel bad. It was her own actions that caused it, not you. And be ready to defend your boundaries when sis turns on you.