AITAH? My wife (40f) and I (48m) have been together for five years and married for less than one. Before we married, sex was regular, spirited, and often initiated by her.
Since marriage, there has been a significant drop off. She rarely initiates now. And blow jobs are non-existent.
Now…
For the record…
I haven’t changed…
I still go down on her often, as I enjoy it. And I always make sure she has an orgasm, often multiple. I make mood lighting and music and such.
Plus…
As I’ve always done since we’ve been together…
I do 95% of the cooking. She makes bagels for breakfast five days a week and that’s it. I do the dishes every day. I vacuum far more often than she does. I take care of the pets (1 dog and 3 cats).
And…
Every moon cycle time, I rub her feet and/or back (depending on flow). I make her special meals. And, most importantly, I cut her some slack.
Am I the asshole for asking for a blow job every once in a while? Haven’t even had one on my birthday.
(Edit) I told her how important I think it is, and that I’m feeling unappreciated. That was three weeks ago. Not sure of the next step. I’m not leaving my marriage, but it sure as hell can’t be this way forever. Wondering next steps.
Comments
So what did you wife say when you’ve talked to her about it?
NTA.
Obviously, she doesn’t feel it’s important because she is avoiding it.
You need to remind her and ask her why she is avoiding pleasing you. It feels like you are not important to her.
Tell her that this is affecting our relationship.
If she gaslights you, then you may need to have some serious conversation about your marriage.
Good luck
Stop going down on her
She has lost attraction for you. And don’t ask her that either cause she’ll never admit it even if she knows it. Attraction is simple for men. It’s looks and not much else. But for women it’s much more complicated. based on all the things you’re doing for her. I would say she’s lost respect for you and no one is attracted to someone they don’t respect.
She got him to marry her, now she doesn’t have to put in any effort. Stop doing things for her..srxually and chores.
You’re whining to the internet about your sex life. That pretty much explains why you’re not getting any.
Therapy
She’s 40. Might be time for her to get a hormone panel done. If she’s heading into menopause that could be part of the problem.
Hookers and cocaine my friend.
when’s the last time you took her on a date?
Sorry to hear that. I have similar problem . My widened drive is always low. She does not think it is important to have sec and no mood.
It might be time to outsource 🤭
She’s 40 so she could definitely be going through perimenopause, which will really mess up our hormones. If that’s the case, it’s not her not being attracted to you. She should see a dr and have her hormone levels checked. If she can find a dr that specializes in women’s sexual health, even better!
In the mean time, try not to take it personally unless she’s given you a reason to.
And just my opinion, asking for a BJ is such a turn off.
Libido is fickle, esp for women her age. Ofc it could be that she’s complacent, but I’d also consider the possibility that she’s struggling to “get it up” or get turned on as regularly. It does sound like she’s still receiving tho so idk. I guess I’m saying that it’s better to ask if there’s anything underlying than assuming it’s just because she doesn’t care
YTA
You are treating your relationship like a transaction for sex and blowjobs. That’s not how marriage or love works. Just because you help out aroudn the house doesn’t mean she has to pay for it by sucking you off. Sounds like you are also likely guilting her by doing things at home and holding it over her head. ” look what i did for you. I vacuumed and you still wont suck me off.” Or you are doing things at home thinking that if you do help out she will give you a bj as payment. That’s not okay. This kind of attitude is not savory, its repelling, and might be part of why sex and bjs aren’t happening as often as you want.
Glaring flag: If you go down on her ” fairly often” when is this happening since she is not initiating. Might not be happening as often as you say.
Also people are entitled to have their and dislikes in th bedroom. You said you LIKE going down on her. Have you asked if she likes giving head?
Instead of asking for blowjobs, you should ask her what she likes in the bedroom. As her what would make her look forward to being sexually invovled with you. This way you could have a sexual “partner” and not a wife who is guilted and manipulated by her husband to suck his dick.
it’s gonna be that way forever. welcome to the big secret of marriage. did you ever wonder why you see so many older angry men? find a secret side piece and put the smile back on your face.
Hey boss nothing will change now she got what she wants
I think you know the answer to your problem. As you said “Since marriage, there has been a significant drop off”.
Your wife locked in what she was looking for, a guy that fit was she was looking for, someone who is willing to carry a lot of the duties. She obviously doesn’t like the idea of giving you head so that is going to be gone forever, and a lot of the stuff before you said I do were done just to get you to say I do.
Her work is done. My guess your next BJ is coming from someone you haven’t meet yet.
I’m curious if you’ve changed in other ways. Have you gained weight or changed your habits at all?
She pulled a bait and switch on you. Provide regular sex to get marriage and once she gets that, she doesnt have to try anymore since she secured you.
She could be going thru perimenopause…have you actually talked to her about HER, how she is feeling in her body these days…
or are your convos mainly just about yourself and your needs?
Wow, doing all that; I would be sucking your dick weekly!
Do you initiate? Maybe she just wants to feel desirable instead of transactional as others have said. And not hey babe give me some. A little bit of flirting and foreplay. And in a romantic and loving way. Tell her the things she wants to hear.
What reason did she give you as to why she doesn’t want to anymore?
What are you even getting out of this relationship?
Probably just not interested anymore,
But in relation to you saying you do most of the chores, well then there is really no motivation to “reward” you if that’s what your looking for as you’re doing it anyway, and if you decide to stop then that will be the reason there is no way to “win” here so to speak.
Take away here is it has nothing to do with you and very little you can change. Perhaps find a new hobby or something?
Low libido is a common complaint for women. She can talk to her medical doctor about it, also consider some couples counselling or sex therapy. There could be other reasons she’s not into BJs – maybe you were too rough with her and you didn’t read the signs that she was uncomfortable or struggling to breathe or something🤷♀️
It’s probably her libido and not you. She needs to see a specialist to look at her hormones. Testosterone cream was a game changer for my energy in general but definitely libido! If you’re not comfortable bringing up the idea, maybe you have a sister or sister in law that can help. It can be a sensitive subject to approach. 😊
How often do you initiate? Maybe get her close and then see if she’s willing to switch it up during? Does she have medical issues? I have TMJ and it hurts after a minute or two.
As a 40 something woman, I can tell you it’s not about doing all the chores (although that’s nice). It’s about being made feel special.
When you’re together non-intimate moments, do you focus on her? Do you randomly bring her small gifts? Do you ask her how she knows you love her?
She’s more likely to want to be physically intimate when she feels loved when it’s not about being physical.
NTA – it’s so tough when your partner changes and you feel like you’re carrying the relationship. It’s super lonely. It sounds like you’ve opened the doors for communication about it. All the best!
Are you keeping trimmed up and hygienic down there, including the thigh folds? Maybe there’s a comfort reason for her.
Couples therapy.
Unfortunately that pretty much normal. She paid her dues and got the ring and secured you and now she can be her real self. This is the real her. The prior years was an actor playing a role and she played you.
What probably going to happen over the span of a few years is that you accept it and it going to be a sexless marriage or your resentment of her is going to grow so much that you’ll get a divorce and find yourself wife number 2.
Or… You can speed up the process right now and get a divorce. If sex really matters that much to you.
As far as I’ve heard. Blowjobs are out the windows once your marries
As a woman in her 40’s myself…I suggest having her have her hormones checked. She may be low on testosterone. Low testosterone in women literally erases your sexual desire.
Yes, welcome to the A B C’s of sex after marriage.
From now on, unless your new wife thinks you are attracted to some other woman, you can expect to have sex on Anniversaries, Birthdays and Christmas🫡🫡
Maybe she’s tired of having to initiate. I’ve been with my husband for seven months and I had this conversation actually. He told me that I never give him a chance to initiate because I’m always the one that does it. So we have been cutting back on my initiation and I’m actually making him work for it. Because it’s a team effort. If you don’t make any indication that you want or even desire her as a person. She probably doesn’t feel sexy anymore. And because you don’t initiate, she doesn’t feel loved and she stopped putting in her part.
Have you deeply asked her why ? Cuz she might hold a lot inside her and be very clear with her that is really matter to you
Just a quick question what full moon means here how does it affect women?
Commitment kills attraction. This woman will never desire you again, its over with this one. You cannot negotiate desire. You might have a chance still if she is on hormonal birth control if you get her off if it.
There is so much to unpack here, but you are doing it all wrong. You are simping hard and that is super unattractive. Mark my words you will never get what you want from this woman, you killed her attraction by not understanding how it works.
Its a cat and mouse game but you are the mouse. She caught you so the game is over now. There is literally no need to please you because you give her everything either way, pleasing you is actually a waste of her time. Now watch how she acts after your relationship ends. I got $5 that says she gives more bjs in the 1st month of being single than you got in the last 2 years. You know why? Because she has something to gain again.
You obviously value your relationship with her far more than she values her relationship with you. This means she owns it. You can try to salvage it, but its better just to move on. However, if you want to try to motivate her to be sexual with you, you should first look as good as you can, workout, dress well, be fuckable. Then introduce some mystery, change your routine, come home late, or not at all. Keep her wondering. Ideally, you would have a younger/hotter women in your life that she thinks may be after you potentially. These things may stir desire in her but im afraid you have already destroyed your relationship with this one. She no longer sees you as a sexual being and see you more as a brother figure.
You sound like a very engaged partner who is looking for the same engagement in return! Since you asked about next steps, here’s some, maybe it will help.
1- Seek out couples therapy to help root out and repair issues.
2- Seek out a nutritionist since you do the majority of the cooking, certain foods can help restore libido and energy and balance hormones. Many people are deficient in vitamin D and zinc for example. Your wife eating a bagel first thing in the morning can affect blood sugar and her mood negatively.
3- Seek out medical advice, as it could be medical issue.
4- Engage in new activities that you don’t normally do, once a week with your wife outside of intercourse, such as horseback riding, archery, swing dancing, trivia night, ice skating, etc… Take turns brainstorming on the activity.
5- Take a mini vacation once a month to someplace “romantic” such as a hot springs, scenic picnic spot, airbnb with a hot tub, hotel with amazing view, etc. A change of scenery can help.
6- Up your game in hygiene, grooming, and fitness, not saying it’s an issue, but being better won’t hurt.
7- Try upping the amount of hugs and cuddles.
Also, what drew you together in the first place? What qualities do you love about your wife most, and what drew her to you? What little things bring your wife joy? What things do you like to do together outside of the bedroom? Maybe focus on those in the meantime until her libido comes back. Best wishes to you both and hope things work out!
Back off…of everything…especially what you do around the house and initiating. Apparently she’s too comfortable. Shame you have to treat her this way but we both know talking to her is gonna be seen as an attack and largely worthless.
NTA.
Communication is key and it sounds like you’re being tactful about it.
Does she struggle with depression per chance? Did any other big life changes come with the wedding?
Also as others suggested, she is at the right age for menopause/perimenopause which is going to throw her hormones, and therefore libido, out of whack. That could also be a possibility?
Try not doing everything for her, being a door mat isn’t attractive
If it’s true sex was great until you got married… what are your home responsibilities vs hers? If OP is telling the truth it tells me her life got stressful and busy after they married making her not want sex with him
Can I ask how if your hygiene has changed since marriage? Diet? There may be physical reasons she chooses not to. And it’s valid after marriage that some things can change and it’s related to her hormones. Or maybe she just is feeling a little lost-expectations of what marriage can be and what’s the reality is sometimes hard to deal with. Just because you do all those things -and it’s a lot and seems considerate-how is it really? Do you say-hey I just ran the vacuum can I get you on your knees now? .. doing chores shouldn’t be a contractual thing.
Maybe she’s going through something called menopause!! Sex drive can start to drop! Maybe ask her if she can go to the doc to see if that’s what is going on so she knows you are there for her and then you guys go from there?!?!
Bro at the end of the day who wants a bj u gotta ask for?
You’re doing to much! That’s like working your ass off every day for 5$ why would she give you more if she gets the cake and even the spoon that stirred the icing!? You’re her doormat! Not her man ! Stop pleasing her so much and cut back on everything else and when she starts questioning it. Tell her ! She has to be 50/50 with you or nothing! Not 90/10 ! That will open the door for you 2 to talk !
I read something a while ago and it really help me understand my wife and what are the blockers to sex in a marriage. There was a number of things that impacted a females libido, where males tend to by physical and visual females are emotional.
Things that were listed as being important
Excitement – When you first start dating you are excited to see the person and that sends signals to the brain that also help get females in the mood. You need to keep the excitement in a relationship.
Resentment – Once people get married the things that were ignored like putting clothes in the wash or putting dishes away start to build a resentment against the other person.
Routine – Are you doing the same thing every time. As with excitement you need to change things up.
Feeling needed – A big one that if the person doesn’t feel needed then they won’t feel like giving back. Also can be part of resentment.
Hormones – A big one as females age but isn’t as big as people think. This is not from me this is from doctor that studies these things.
It sounds like she is feeling like its a chore to do it and with how you wrote your post it reads that way.
Have you asked her what she wants and needs and what gets her excited. Even if it is something that you might like most people have things that triggers mood for sex.
Therapy asap. And just say “The marriage can’t continue like this. She’ll resent me or I’ll resent her.” She might need some testosterone also, a full hormone panel.
Sounds like she has a very low sex drive and only did it to win you over. Now that you are married, she has you so she can be herself. Sadly, this might be who she really is. Happens a lot in relationships on both sides.
Nta. I don’t see this as transactional, as so many have pointed out. In “happy relationships,” people aren’t keeping score of who does what. The problems can creep in when one person stops pulling their weight. If reality is as OP is saying, then it seems natural that he’s feeling unappreciated.
Oh she cheatin. If you really do ALLLLL THAT you say you do and she still ain’t into it she got some side d.
Is there something medically going on with her? She could be pre-menopause which will definitely change her hormones. She may need to get her hormones checked by her pcp.
Ps— OP, are you showering and keeping yourself clean? Poor hygiene can crush a relationship, like stomping on a grape.
So there’s no chance you’re TA based on the info given, so I’m going to assume you’re really here for advice rather than judgement.
On the surface, it’s not quite clear whether the drop off was gradual or abrupt. A gradual decline indicates a reversion to the lower libido partner’s mean. Or stated differently, the courting/new relationship energy (NRE) period usually includes more frequent and passionate intimacy, but it’s not sustained. An abrupt drop off after the exchange of vows, however, indicates something different.
As a person who has been through dead bedroom situations in two different marriages, my take is that the probability that this is your new normal far outweighs the probability things will recover. There is little you can do besides keep a good attitude about it and communicate communicate communicate.
I don’t know if this will help or not, but always remember that nobody owes anyone sex, and nobody has the right to choose celibacy for someone else. Your vows included the phrase “to have and to hold”. Most interpret that as a reference to physical intimacy, including but not limited to sexual intercourse. That’s not saying cut and run if you don’t get any, but it is useful to inform the role of physical intimacy in a marriage.
Yeah bro this one seems like a conversation with your wife? Have you asked why she has a decreased sex drive? Has she started any new medication or dieting that might effect this? This isn’t something reddit can help you with.
You said for the record I haven’t changed. I still go down on her… That’s not why she’s not fucking with you… You indeed have changed. The same way you keep saying the sex was a certain way in the beginning. I’m pretty sure you were a certain way as well and that’s why you were getting it a certain way. Men tend to not be aware that the things you do and letdowns that go on throughout the years tend to make you not wanna fuck him Anymore. But you just cause exist because you’re still married and you know that marriage is deeper than sex, but men do not understand that so there’s a misunderstanding…. Regardless just straight out ask her why she won’t do it if it is something that you’ve expressed that you want to start with and if you have expressed it expressed how important it is to you and why you want it and if that’s a problem from there and then you move forward and whatever you feel like you need to do.
If you haven’t already, I suggest sharing with her that you’re confused why the frequency and enthusiasm for sex has declined since you got married, and ask her what has changed for her? I’m curious how she will respond. Be genuine and approach her with a vibe of wanting her input to address an area of concern. You’re NTA for being concerned that the sex was great before marriage but it’s become one sided recently. You’re allowed to say that you feel like she’s not as into you as she was before, and you miss the mutual give and take and the shared enthusiasm.
If she’s not sure why and also concerned that she’s not as horny as she was before, then you could ask about possibly getting her hormones checked, ask if there’s anything you could do differently etc. There are so many physical and mental health factors that can impact a woman’s libido.
But if she’s dismissive or unconcerned, then I’m worried that she may just not care that much. Hopefully it’s not a case of “we’re married now so I don’t have to try so hard.” That would be a tougher problem to solve.
She’s probably going through something changing her libido. Could be physical or mental health, or something else in the relationship or a combination of all three. 3 weeks isn’t that long for an in sickness and health commitment though. Give it time. There’s other ways to be intimate with out making her feel guilty for not sucking your dick.specifically. The more you guilt her the more she probably feels discouraged from wanting to do that. Find other ways to initiate intimacy outside of sex and eating her out. Youll prolly have better luck eventually getting the result you’re looking for with emotional connection and romance.
Unfortunately a lot of women view the wedding as the goal. Once you get it the game is over & you won. Guys of course think of it as locking in a good thing. Women often struggle to know what to do in a relationship and lose desire without an objective ahead of them (wedding). Sometimes they get into other pursuits, sometimes the same pursuit with other men. But it’s rare to find consistent effort from a woman who feels like she’s already “won”.
Therapy can help sometimes. Worth checking out. But you say you won’t leave the marriage. Just wait until the virginity starts to grow back. Then let us know.
If she was my client, the first question I would ask is if she’s currently taking hormonal birth control pills. If she is, she should consider stopping them. Synthetic contraceptive hormones suppress a woman’s natural hormone production by design. When you’re 25, you still usually make enough testosterone even once it’s down regulated to have normal libido. But the closer you get to menopause, the less testosterone you make. It’s very common for women in their late 30s or early 40s to suddenly wake up with no sex drive out of nowhere. And coming off the bcp very often restores it.
Oh man as a 41F I feel bad for my hubby lol he sounds like you and doesn’t ask for it but hints occasionally…like ooo my bday is coming up, hopefully I’ll get a BJ lol. I don’t feel obligated, I want to please him more often, I’m just so exhausted, between work and the kids. He always cuddles me, tells me I’m beautiful, compliments me and my body (even tho I hate it lol) but he never fails to make me feel like he is so in love with me, even after 15 years. So…thanks for the reminder 😊😜
You definitely need more blow jobs and sex. Have you asked her is she going through anything such as stress or depression?
Best of luck
You are NOT the asshole. This is an extremely common problem in marriage. Your wife won the race; mission accomplished. She worked overtime to make sure you fell in love with and married her and she was willing to do whatever it took to get you across the finish line. Now that she’s got that ring on her finger, she doesn’t feel it’s necessary to go the extra mile to make you happy like you do her.
You aren’t going to get her to change her mind about what she feels is necessary to maintain your relationship in the sex department. That ship has set sail.
Since you’re not willing to leave or get divorced from her over this predicament, then you have one recourse – stop doing so much for her. Cook only 50% of the time. Same goes for the dishes – do it only 50% of the time. Cut everything you do down to 50% of what you normally do. And that means cutting back on sex too.
I’m sure you’re going to get plenty of other answers saying this is wrong, it’s drastic, my advice is rude, blah blah blah. But in the end, do you want to put in all the effort and get nothing in return? If she’s rarely initiating sex and you’re still wooing her like she was your girlfriend, you need to, as you say, “give her slack” in spades.
Either she’ll notice your cutting back on what you do around the house and figure out that she needs to step up, or things will remain the same as she has no interest. Then you’ll know just how interested she is in keeping up her part of your marriage.
Contrary to what some are saying, OP did communicate to wife. The blowjob request was probably a bit dorky. But not malicious. I would probably have said you’re unhappy about the lack of intimacy and this is just a portion of why you feel under appreciated.
As for the “well she’s 40 and menopausal” comments let’s not forget they’ve been married less than a year. And OP is saying the drop off started after marrying. So I don’t see that as a reasonable argument. For some, they were just hyper sexual before marriage. Once they get married, they feel no incentive. This wouldn’t be the first time.
You are definitely NTA
For expecting reciprocation and to feel desires in your relationship.
You clearly care and love this woman.
I hope she can be honest about how she is feeling if there are true changes on her side
lol she prbly doesn’t want to now that you’re married she knows she doesn’t have to try as hard.
Doing physical chores is one thing, but how much of the mental load are you taking on? Who plans and books vacations? Who’s in charge of remembering birthdays, anniversaries and buying Christmas presents? Who’s in charge of paying the bills, monitoring retirement accounts and health insurance issues? Who schedules appointments? Who keeps track of home maintenance? Do you mow the lawn when it needs it or only after she has to remind you? Do you do the grocery shopping? Laundry? Car maintenance? Scrub toilets and showers? Are you involved in planning your household budget? I’m assuming you live together so why should you not be vacuuming and taking care of pets? You live there too. And what about family issues? Aging parents? Any older children in the mix to worry about? Work stressful? Money problems?
From my experience, a women’s sexual energy is fueled mentally. When my husband takes care of things around the house without my having to ask is the sexiest thing to me. I don’t care about your vacuuming and cooking if our 401k just tanked and I’m arguing with siblings about what to do with Dad. I can vacuum and cook. That’s bare minimum daily tasks that you’d be doing anyway if you lived alone. You’re not planning a surprise vacation or coming up with a better retirement plan here. Be a better PARTNER, not just another person that wants something from her.
Before you approached her to ask why she stopped sucking your di€k, did you ask about her? Did you ask how she’s doing and if there was anything you could help her with? Or was the whole conversation about what you do and what you want because you cook and vacuum? 🙄
Just talk to her again. Simply explain that you love her, you want her and that her choices mean that you don’t have a full sex life, because she is it for you. And that is not what you want for each other or for your own life. And stop this, even quietly in your own head, but I do this and that and I go down on her. So what. That is not what life & love is about. Start doing without expectations of reciprocity. However your sex life not being full, because of her choices (including possible physical reasons), is a separate matter. And needs to be discussed openly & firmly (meaning clearly how her decisions affect you both & how that is not what you want). All the best to both of you.
One poignant thing to remember. Men need to have sex to feel loved. Women need to feel loved to have sex. Those two things seem misaligned somewhere. You only mentioned what’s going on in the bedroom. The question is what dynamics have changed in the last year that we’re not the same? Potentially new stressors? Things that didn’t come into play before you got married? Just some food for thought. Good luck.
Watch Esther Perelle. She has good wisdom on these things.
Bring novelty, curiosity to the relationship. For us women, physical intimacy (here an oral sex) is the consequence of mental bonding/intimacy for us. Think what you did or DID NOT that she lost interest. Here is an example: The guy divorces wife after years of great marriage because his wife had no longer had sex with her. The wife said she loved a snack and automatically her husband bought that snack for her every time he had a chance one day snack disappeared and she felt she isn’t loved any more. She started giving less and less oral sex and when snacks disappeared she stopped having sex. What I mean is for women it’s this small gestures.
It’s also a good idea to go to a sex therapist or read a book together on this topic and ask her what she thinks.
It’s bait and Switch Seems most of the Guys I know say the exact same thing
Divorce
I’m 62. Perimenopause or not, you should want to be with your man and enjoy sex together. If one act just dropped off the menu, I’d be asking, too.
I feel like sex can ebb and flow with various stages of life, but it should be something both partners are putting effort into. This is the ultimate intimate act. Hugging, kissing, snuggling.
Having a conversation about hey! We used to do this and now we don’t and I miss it is fair. Not getting a real answer or change is not.
I wouldn’t go in saying maybe you need HRT, but I wouldn’t maybe ask, have you noticed our sex time has decreased and certain acts don’t seem to be in the menu? How are you feeling? Is there something else going on that’s effecting that aspect of our life together? If you’re just not feeling it anymore is it with me, or not at all? Would you be willing to talk with a professional on why this may be happening.
If my husband’s interest plummeted, I’d notice. I’d speak up.
Good luck. And, yeah, a sex positive couples counselor.
Save the BJ’s for the hookers.
Make her some real food like spaghetti and garlic bread or hamburger in frenchie fries. Line the bed with chocolate cookies and sour gummy bears. Lay off the oral on her ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,2 hours is a bit much.
Thinking of sex as a reward for services rendered is self defeating.
What non-sexual intimacy do you share? Do you cuddle in bed (or on the couch)? Do you offer her non-sexual touch (rubbing her back or leg)? Leave little love notes or send cute texts?
Don’t get me wrong, it’s great that you go down her (and enjoy it), but there’s so much more to intimacy than sex. Maybe she’s not feeling as close to you in other ways and that’s impacting her desire to reciprocate.
Also, how are you approaching her when you talk about this subject? You spent a good amount of your post listing the many things you do for her and it comes across like she owes you blow jobs. It feels a bit transactional. Are you approaching it as, “hey, I’m feeling disconnected from you. Can we talk about it?” Or is it, “I work hard, do all the cooking and most of the cleaning and you can’t even blow me once in a while?”
I can understand the lack of sex is very frustrating, but there’s something bigger than low libido here, especially considering you did enjoy an active sex life for much of your relationship. Talk to your wife. Maybe look into seeing a therapist.
Low dose testosterone will do wonders. Trust me on this.
Idk. Some people just aren’t into sex. You have to decide if it’s a deal breaker for you. Neither of you are wrong.
Maybe your dick is gross?
It’s more of venting post rather than being judged.. just let it out bro..
If it’s perimenopause, and eventual menopause, hang in there. Your wife’s sex drive will return, with a vengeance. Mine tanked slowly, and took about 5 years then, Boom!
Maybe there is a depression component to this.
Dude get use to it pre menopausal woman don’t want your dick in their mouth! It will pass doing housework isn’t an iou sex! Try just being understanding and don’t be like, I need my cock sucked when I help out around our house!
You know the one thing you can feed a woman to never get a BJ again? Wedding cake. To me it sounds like she got what she wanted and is complacent now. Why try to fish when your fish is already in the boat? Id have a real heart to heart and if she doesn’t see the errors in her ways, I’d get while the getting is good. You aren’t getting any younger. See, what she doesn’t realize is as men age their value (success/money) goes up, inversely, as they get older their value (looks) goes down. Does she want to be playing the field at 40? And get what, a 60 year old? Or just get run through by all the younger chads? Probably not.
Get a girlfriend. Plenty out there who will be willing. You are not a psychiatrist. So while she works through her ‘feelings’ there is no need for you to suffer.
Find a therapist you can both talk to. Been married 32 years and during the low times we went to someone who can help us sort it out.
Maybe she just doesn’t like doing it.
Question – is it possible that your wife has childhood or sexual trauma you’re not aware of (maybe that she’s even blocked out)?
Without going into detail, a while ago, this may have been something my husband could have written about me. Exception being that I was responsible for the ENTIRE mental and emotional load of our household. I was exhausted and burned out (I was not yet diagnosed ND).
Issues with my family of origin had arisen, triggering old feelings of not being good enough and needing to ‘earn’ love or loyalty through performance. Which in turn unlocked all the sexual trauma from my teens and 20s when I had been objectified, used and assaulted.
While my libido remained high, I was able to recognise that I did not feel emotionally safe with my husband, as my non-sexual needs weren’t being met. As much as I desired sex and intimacy, and as loving and attentive as my husband was in the bedroom, when it happened it was mechanical. I felt unseen in the other aspects of our relationship, and it began triggering old traumas of needing to perform. I may have had orgasms, but it was empty and disconnected and made me feel gross afterwards. It became something being done ‘to me’, instead of something I was sharing WITH my husband.
Long story short, things came to a head after something happened that triggered allllllll my trauma at once, and my husband’s own childhood trauma that had haunted him for 40 years. We both broke, and shared our painful truths, and we were able to be the most honest and raw with each other we’d ever been.
Within DAYS, I couldn’t keep my hands off him. The openness and honesty, and being seen and loved in all my trauma and shame, made me feel the safest I’d ever been in my life. And we’re still there, and still can’t keep our hands off each other.
Do you actually love your wife? Or do you just love the idea of her? Do you have a good friendship? Is your desire for sex for intimacy and connection with her, or is it just about getting off? All questions to ask yourself.
If you do genuinely love her and want to make it work, my advice is: STOP ASKING FOR SEX AND BJS. Who TF wants someone doing that shit reluctantly anyway? Shouldn’t your question be more about getting her to WANT to fuck you more often?
Find out what the REAL issue is here. It could be as simple as hormones. It could be similar to my experience. It could have nothing to do with sex. Or it could be that she just doesn’t like you! But whatever you do, PLEASE don’t keep assuming that what you’re doing is the right solution – if you don’t know what her needs really are, how can you meet them?
Blowjobs aren’t payment for tasks. It’s possible that not initiating sex has nothing to do with you. Is she stressed about anything? Have you checked in with how she’s feeling day to day? Are there any health issues?
Reddit isn’t going to help. Marriage counseling to a new therapist you choose together could help.
Remember, none of us is ever the villain when we tell our own story. My husband would say I’m neglecting him, when in reality I can’t be physically attracted to someone who isn’t emotionally supportive. I bet I’d hear the same from your wife.
Did you ask her what changed so that it resulted in your sex life?
You may find /r/deadbedrooms helpful.
Did she give you blow jobs prior to the marriage? Could she have an oral sensitivity? Do you wash your dick with soap and water? Are you shoving your dick into her mouth trying to get her to deep throat you?
Maybe she just doesn’t enjoy giving oral but hasn’t been able to tell you. Some women don’t like it. That doesn’t mean there is anything wrong with you or that there is anything wrong with her. It just means you aren’t sexually compatible.
Was oral comom place before ring on 3rd finger ?was it give without though ? did she enjoy ? If yes something drastic as happened and she’s not informed you you need to sit down and talk like adults not trade chores for personal pleasure you need to talk and find out what’s going on because you partake in licking the fish does not automatically mean she swallow the pickle and the next news possible family members
Everyone is jumping on the menopause band wagon. I’m not so sure ..
You’ve been together for 5 years and married for less than 1 year… I’m on the ” I got my RING, he cooks, takes care of my pets, goes down town without me reciprocating so I can slack Jack.” vibe.
She’s not on the menopause train. She’s still getting her period. Your wife is totally slacking. I suggest you do the same. Don’t cook. Take care of the dogs. Take care of yourself in the bedroom. See how long it takes her to wise up and go down.
Sounds like your wife needs to appreciate those meals, foot/back rubs, orgasms etc,,,,
This is just part of being married, unfortunately. Even if you did leave, it would just happen in the next.
You can talk about it and that’s all you can do.