AITA for not telling my family I was pregnant until after I gave birth?
I (21F) recently had a baby. My husband (24M) and I decided early on in the pregnancy that we didn’t want any outside stress or opinions, especially from our families who can be very overbearing. We moved to another state a year ago, so we figured this was our chance to keep things quiet.
I didn’t post anything online. I wore loose clothes on facetime calls and just told people I was “taking a break from social stuff” when I started showing. The pregnancy went smoothly and our baby girl was born healthy two weeks ago. We finally told our families last week and they are furious. My mom cried and said she felt “robbed” of the experience. My MIL is convinced we did this out of spite. Everyone is calling us selfish and dramatic.
I get that it’s a big deal to keep something like this from family, but honestly we just wanted peace and privacy. This was about us, not them. Still, now I’m wondering if we crossed a line.
So, Reddit, AITA?
EDIT****
For the record me and my husband both come from highly religious morman families. We both decided to move away after we got married for the best knowing we would be having children in the near future. Since we have made the move we have barely heard from either of our families. We have reached out and only gotten back dry plain answers so we stopped trying with them.
Comments
Reminder not to downvote assholes |
Original copy of post’s text by /u/BooeyBooeyBoo:
AITA for not telling my family I was pregnant until after I gave birth?
I (21F) recently had a baby. My husband (24M) and I decided early on in the pregnancy that we didn’t want any outside stress or opinions, especially from our families who can be very overbearing. We moved to another state a year ago, so we figured this was our chance to keep things quiet.
I didn’t post anything online. I wore loose clothes on facetime calls and just told people I was “taking a break from social stuff” when I started showing. The pregnancy went smoothly and our baby girl was born healthy two weeks ago. We finally told our families last week and they are furious. My mom cried and said she felt “robbed” of the experience. My MIL is convinced we did this out of spite. Everyone is calling us selfish and dramatic.
I get that it’s a big deal to keep something like this from family, but honestly we just wanted peace and privacy. This was about us, not them. Still, now I’m wondering if we crossed a line.
So, Reddit, AITA?
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
A bunch of people are going to say you aren’t, but you are.
Are you close with your family? If yes, then YTA. If you’re distant then I can understand. Also if you expect a lot of support from them as grandparents YTA as well.
So it’s not like what you think exactly. Your mom wanted to at least be there for you like how she wanted to help in some form of way cuz she is your mother but I alsoe understand that its upto if you want privacy and peace and that’s alright. So nta
No, you’re protecting your peace. That’s your baby if you don’t want people to know and you just wanna protect your peace and go on about your day and then tell people after that’s your business and to be honest more people are doing that you rock for choosing you and your peace.
NAH, It’s your life and you and your husband have your reasons for moving away and limiting your contact with family. That said, the grandparents have a right to feel cheated, and honestly they were but there isn’t enough here to say whether that was justified or not. You wanted peace and now you have drama and may get a whole lot of peace out of it, as the grandparents may not be very invested in you and your daughters lives going forward.
It depends on how close you are to your and your husband’s family. If they’re good people who have supported your relationship, you’re both massive assholes.
A baby born is usually a joyous occasion to be celebrated. You smugly keeping it from your family members is petty and pointless. Are you ashamed? Why would you do that?
BUT, if your families are toxic, then you’re fine. You don’t owe them anything.
It still feels odd to me to withhold baby news from all but the most horrible of families, but there’s not enough context here to make a judgement.
Next time take hundreds of pics before you’re pregnant, different outfits, time of day etc.
Then post them occasionally as you get pregnant.
No one will now because they will see you normally then BAM! baby!
Mormon family? Definitely NTA
Wow. YTAH. What a selfish move. That was shitty and inconsiderate and LYING by omission. Yes it did rob them of the joy of knowing you were having a baby. If I were part of your family I would not have anything to do with you and would not trust you to tell the truth.
NTA. You’re allowed to announce a pregnancy/birth at anytime even if it’s post birth. They can feel hurt but they have no right to call you selfish or dramatic. Being grandparents/parents doesn’t give them automatic access to all information. Honestly them saying they feel robbed of the experience is going overboard, what exactly were they missing. Since both grandmothers have had kids I’m going to assume they carried their own so they already experienced pregnancy and birthing. I mean even if they didn’t carry their own they are not entitled to the info. Grandparents role really doesn’t start until after the birth, everything before is the pretty much on the mother and because of that the mother can decide who she wants to involve throughout the pregnancy, and if she the mother excludes someone she isn’t being selfish she is allowed that.
Info: op what was/is your future best outcome with family?
NTA. as a mom I would be devastated if my child chose to do this but that doesn’t make you an ass hole. I would definitely ask what I could do different as a parent so that they would want to share their life with me.
NTA They sound entitled… You two moved away and seemingly aren’t reliant on them. Being a grandparent is a privilege, not a right. You and your husband wanted that time for peace and intimacy. That’s your business. Their feelings can be hurt, but they weren’t the ones going through the pregnancy/labor. What did they need to be involved in?
lol yes, you definitely are….you were being petty and thoughtless and selfish
i expect to get downvoted heavily for this, despite being right.
LDS is a fucking cult
They have to earn all their rights with you and and their grandchild. It sounds like they prioritized their religion. I wish you and your new family health and happiness
Considering you and your husband moved away, I am assuming they are controlling. That level of control could be harmful in the best of circumstances. You did what was best for you, and as long as you’re willing to deal with the consequences (Mormons have no problem ignoring people who anger them), then NTA.
Being a grandparent is NOT a privilege it is earned.i don’t blame you for protecting your peace.pregnancy is stressful enough without the extra added bullshit from family.NTA
NTA. No one is entitled to the information, except both of you. There’s no entitlement. Period. They weren’t robbed of anything. They were told when it mattered. Some of us don’t want the constant outside stress. Period.
They are literally proving that you were right to avoid the drama that they create.
Notice how they are MAD about how THEY weren’t included and now that they are they’ve made it about themselves rather than just fukkin’ enjoying the fact they have a grandchild.
NTA. The reactions alone are good enough reason to have kept it a secret. Being upset in the “aw I wish I would’ve known” way is understandable, but the happiness should outshine that. Any caring family would hear you out and listen to your reasoning behind the decision. Ultimately, they should be asking themselves why you never felt comfortable enough to reach out.
No one is being robbed of any experience. Baby showers can happen after a baby is born, people can visit with you and still ask questions about how pregnancy was for you, and in general BE THERE for YOU. If they can’t get past their own hurt because they felt left out, that’s on them OP, not you. They should be focusing on the idea of having a grandchild who is here now and wanting to see you / visit / take care of you. I’m so sorry that they can’t grasp that.
Some will say YTA, as they have, but that’s not really fair. No one is entitled to your private life, especially with a family who hadn’t been all that interested in you before the announcement. I know so many people that have kept their pregnancies so quiet that only a handful of people knew until the baby was born. No one was angry for not knowing, just super shocked and happy for them in the end. That is what you deserved! Wishing you the best going forward.
A little YTA. It’s definitely understandable for you to want the peace and privacy. It’s also very true that your people are your child’s people. Something bad happens to you, they’re who pick up the pieces. I suppose it boils down to the idea of family. Are you one big unit or are you not.
I’m guessing that to go to that extreme, you had some reasons for it.
NAH. Your family is valid to feel their feelings. I struggle to understand why they feel such devastation, but if they’re sad they can feel what they feel. Why does your MIL feel you did it out of spite?
I feel pregnancy is such a private thing, so I completely understand why you kept it a secret. I assume you are going to allow them to build a relationship with your child, and I believe that’s what they should be happy about instead of being so upset that you chose to keep the pregnancy to yourself.
ChatGPT, reported
NTA
Knowing your background you would’ve been hounded and harassed every second of your pregnancy and for months afterwards.
Stand your ground.
I am unsure of the impact Mormon culture would have had, but I can provide a non-mormon perspective from a similar experience. My eldest sibling didn’t tell any of us that she was pregnant until she showed up to visit us with a baby & told us she had a son. She did it again 2 years later with a second son, with the added info of almost dying in childbirth of that one. I was not alone in asking her what the fuck, especially after the second time. I am not saying you did that here, but I can say that it does change the relationship after doing that. In the end, I still think you’re NTA. Just saying that this will complicate your relationship with those relatives going forward, like how it helped estrange me from my sibling.
Tell your families that you have made a decision to follow a new spiritual path of love, kindness and acceptance and to find others who are walking that same path. You have gone where the love is.
Considering their reactions, I think it was a very smart move on your part. I salute you.
NTA at all. It isn’t something you need to share at all.
You deserve to have peace and clearly you chose distance for a reason
Protect your peace! I heard Paris Hilton did the same. I don’t follow her at all, but she came out and said they didn’t tell anyone until the baby was a couple of weeks old.
Read up on “maintaining personal boundaries”
Learning to maintain your boundaries will enable you to tell the truth.
Being open and honest is the better long term strategy.
Maintaining boundaries will help you in all aspects of your life.
PLEASE don’t down vote me if you disagree, I answered in good faith.
NTA at all. You wrote they’re overbearing and you moved to another state to get distance… sounds like you did the exact right thing here. Either they will get over it or they won’t.
NTA but I can also understand your parents being upset. You can totally choose to be distant and private, but that’s also a signal that you don’t want to be a close family. That’s probably quite painful to your parents.