So here’s what happened. I’m 23. Been married for two years now. My husband’s 27. We live about an hour from his family, which was kinda the plan. Some space. But his sister? Let’s just say she never really approved of me. Every time we visit or she comes over, she always finds something to say about how I look. First it was my hair. Then my weight. Then my style. Like, Oh, you really wore that? Or He usually goes for girls who are more put together. One time she literally said, You just don’t seem like someone he’d usually go for. I’m surprised you guys even ended up together. Like… what the hell does that even mean? At first I kept my mouth shut. Tried to brush it off. Told myself she’s just protective. Or maybe insecure. Whatever. But it kept happening. And my husband? He never says anything. Just awkward silence every time she opens her mouth. Last weekend we went to a family gathering. She cornered me again while we were helping clean up and asked if I ever felt “a little out of place in their family.
Then added, No offense, but you just don’t match him. I snapped. I told her to back off and leave us alone. I said she doesn’t get to decide who’s good enough for him. I told her she’s always trying to make me feel small, and I’ve had enough. She looked stunned, like I was the problem. She said I was being dramatic and disrespectful. That I embarrassed her in front of the rest of the family. My husband pulled me aside later and said maybe I could’ve handled it more calmly. Honestly? That pissed me off even more. I’ve been quiet for years. I tried. I kept peace. But how long am I supposed to take it? Now his family’s acting weird. She won’t text me back. His mom is being cold. He says we should “let it blow over. I don’t know. I’m exhausted. I don’t like drama. But I’m tired of being treated like I’m lucky he picked me, like I’m some charity case who needs to earn my spot in their perfect little club. Was I wrong for finally standing up for myself after all that? Or did I really go too far? AITAH?
Comments
You aren’t an asshole for saying what you said, but you really shouldn’t have done it in front of a bunch of people. You said she “cornered” you, which implies that she did it out of view from everyone else… but what you said was in front of other people, which is never a great situation. You should definitely stand your ground and put her in her place. Next time though, do so in private, so people don’t look at you like the problem.
She was setting a precedent by saying those demeaning things in front of her family. You set a new precedent that its not okay to say things like that, in front of people, like she did.
You and hubby and everybody else should have said something sooner. It should have been a conversation that happened MUCH sooner.
NTA for sticking up for yourself, but ESH for not talking about it when it happened the second or third time.
NTA at all. You got a hubby problem tho, he’d rather appease his family than you. You’ve been disrespected for years. You’re 23 I promise you you will find a love who doesn’t allow this to happen to you. Give him it straight-“stand up for me or we’re done” but before you say that explain everything Sil does and says, explain how it makes you feel and explain how it feels that he doesn’t say anything. Make sure he knows you’re young and you can find a family that respects you and Gtfo. Sounds like this sister is in love with her brother. Or she’s just jealous of you. Or both. lol.
Your husband is the entire problem. Not your SIL and certainly not you. He has said nothing and allowed her to disrespect you, disrespect your relationship and instead of putting her in her place, he puts you down. He is doing a poor job of being a husband and a worse job of being a man.
NTA. She started it in public, you finished it in public. I agree with your (spineless) husband that you should just let it lie. Stop trying to contact any of them. A few months of silence and you can all act like nothing happened at Christmas or even next Christmas but you need to immediately stop attempts to bridge the gap. You didn’t cause it by not letting her bully you anymore. Your husband and his mother did by not shutting her down the first time she did it.
And you need to continue to return fire if she tries to go back to bullying you. You’re right, you took it for long enough. Hell, way too long. And you need to really nail your husband to the wall because it’s his sister and his problem to deal with. “Are you silent when she says these things because you agree with her? Are you surprised why you married me? Do we have a bigger problem here because I’m not beneath you and if you think I am, this marriage can be done and you can let your sister pick your next wife.”
Dear hubby,
You had numerous chances to head things up on the matter.
You kept quiet.
I told you about it before.
I asked you to deal with it before.
You did not.
It’s was your choice to not stand up for our relationship.
It was your choice to leave me to deal with it alone.
I really shouldn’t need to apologize for setting a boundary to you bully sister about our relationship and my appearance.
Now it’s in your hands to handle your family in the aftermath.
I’m not apologizing, I’m not sorry.
She was mean, she was inappropriate, she had no business commenting on my appearance and she had no good intentions by telling me that I should feel uncomfortable and that I don’t fit in.
I will not beg to be accepted and treated with respect.
If you don’t straighten things up with them , you are on your own, I’m not going to be in the same room with her even if that means skipping seeing your family.
You choose.
I’ll stand by you when you stand by me.
You are on your own with them.
Nta
NTA
Read up on “maintaining personal boundaries”
If you maintain your boundaries on an ongoing basis, you will not feel the need to shout.
When you shout, you give your power away, and you look like the bad guy (the original issue gets forgotten).
In the perfect world it goes something like this;
Wait until everyone is calm, sit the person down and tell them how you feel. Don’t make accusations and don’t shout. Have the conversation and stick to your resolve on how you think it should be.
It takes lots of practice and it takes time for people to normalize to the new you.
Once you have it down pat, you can speak up in the moment and protect your boundaries as soon as the violation occurs.
Good luck
PLEASE don’t down vote me if you disagree, I answered in good faith.
I haven’t dated in 20 years but when I did date, I refused to deal with sisters.
NTA
Your husband is a spineless coward, you should not have had to defend yourself, he should have had your back the whole time. If he loved you he wouldn’t let his family abuse you. Next time you fight over this, ask him if she’s speaking for him and he wants you to change all these things about yourself.
Don’t be sad they’re not talking to you, enjoy the peace and quiet.
UpdateMe
Next time, instead of yelling at her (which she deserved) just kind of give her a blank stare and say “what a weird thing for you to notice” or something along those lines. It puts it back on her without you looking like the jerk. And you should have a conversation with your husband about this. He needs to tell his family to knock it off. If he doesn’t, then you need to ask yourself if this is what you want your life to be.
Your husband is the actual problem. I hope you realise that
NTA but every time she criticizes you going forward I’d be all “well his di@k gets hard so I guess I am his type” “we have lots of sex so I guess he doesn’t have a problem with my weight”
Just make her as uncomfortable as possible.
But truly, your husband should be shutting her down. He’s the AH for letting this go on .
nta, you told it like it is after a lot of abuse. if your husband wants you to behave a certain way, he should stand up for you and tell her to knock it off. keep standing up to her. when she makes those rude, jabbing remarks, ask her ‘what do you mean?’ and when she says something dumb, say, ‘oh, really? I don’t get it! can you explain exactly what you meant by ‘whatever stupid shit she said’?
NTA. You can call her out on it or turn it back on her and say the same stuff to her husband about how he could do better. Your husband is an ass for not putting a stop to it.
NTA and your husband is the biggest ahole if he hasn’t put a stop to this nonsense.
nta
tell your husband he should think about the death of 1000 cuts (or how endless amounts of drops actually make holes in stones, if he thinks his sister’s comments are ‘only’ small digs, the damage is still real and going deep for gotten ignored too long = and that is on him too), and it would have been his job to actually stop that %$#@ from the get go. Now he has no right for any criticism, especially not about a snap-reaction. Same counts for the rest of his family.
NTA. Where’s your wimp bum husbands mouth been this whole time time? He mute? Does he ever stick up for you?
Your husband is an AH. He should have shut it down first time she said something. He should have your back. I would tell him, if your sister ever says anything like it and you don’t have my back, we’re done!
NTA and agree with everyone saying your husband is the problem for allowing his sister and family to treat you this way. You shouldn’t have had to get to the point of “snapping” if he’d had your back in the first place.
You deserve better. Perhaps give him a chance to change his position and apologize to you for not protecting you. If he can’t do that, get out and find someone who will. They exist, my husband totally has my back with his mother who tends to passive aggressively comment on me.
UpdateMe!
Why did you have to be the one to snap? That’s conversation your husband should have had with his sister and he should have told her to cut it out, is there a reason that did not happen? If the answer is yes, then your problem is really with your husband
Good thing you live an hour away. The less time you have to deal with his side of the family the better it will be for both of you. You should focus on your own family Nobody can intimidate you without your permission.
Definitely NTA. But your husband is a wuss. HE should be calling his sister out!
So much to unpack here. You should have snapped back right at the beginning of her bullying and snapped back so hard she would be the one seeking your approval. The very second your husband didn’t stand up for you he should have been gone, after all, he had his youth but stole yours.
You should tell your husband he should be grateful that you married him – because he wasn’t his usual type. Usually you dated people with NICE familes, and men who would defend you so you didn’t have to finally defend yourself after 3 years of him being a pussy.
Also that his sister may have asked if you felt out of place – I’d turn it on them and say no, but the jury is still out on them and whether or not you accept THEM.
And for god’s sake don’t procreate with him in the meantime.
More AI nonsense…
some good advice i got for when someone insults you like that is to act like you didn’t hear what they said and say “I’m sorry can you repeat that? I didn’t hear you.” Don’t sound mad. Sound like you’re being nice and genuinely just did not hear what they said so you need them to repeat it. It makes them reflect on the fact that they actually said something so dumb out loud and usually embarrasses them especially if they have to repeat themselves in front of others too. If she laughs at something mean she says to you, respond pretending to be genuine “oh i’m sorry I don’t get it. Why is that funny?” she can say whatever poor excuse and you can say “i just don’t get the joke. can you try explaining it?” Again you can’t say it like you’re mad. You’ve got to sound innocent and nice. Let them dig their own hole with their own words.
Doesn’t work all the time but maybe it’s worth a shot
Your husband sounds like a he needs to grow a pair. If anyone ever said anything even remotely disrespectful to or about my wife (married over 20 years), the verbal smackdown would come so fast they’d get whiplash.
I have a couple of girl cousins who would ignore her existence whenever they came over early on in our marriage. Guess who is no longer welcome in my home?
Spouses and kids are our first priority. Not parents, not siblings. Husband needs to step up and remember where his priorities lay.
Many dysfunctional families get into a set pattern. In that family, sister is the nasty one. When a new person points out how fucked up it is, they are seen as the broken one.
Don’t call SIL anymore. That only gives her power by ignoring your calls. SIL is butt hurt! Way to go!! She deserved everything you said to her.
Now that you stood your ground the rest of the family can no longer sweep sil’s bullying under the rug and ignore her behavior. I have a feeling that she ruled the roost growing up with your husband. That may be the reason why he doesn’t react. As a kid he was conditioned to keep her happy or else he will be punished if she cries.
You have declared that you will not put up with her shit any longer. Don’t feel bad about what you did. You forced the family to confront something they have ignored for too long. They all got comfortable ignoring it instead of upsetting the princess.
Tell your husband that until this is straightened out that you will not be attending any event where SIL will be attending. And that you do not owe her an apology. The bullied should not have to apologize for upsetting the bully.
Stop hanging out with his family. Let him go his family alone.
NTA, but your husband……..MAJOR asshole. I’d be reading him the riot act about his complete failure to have your back. Why the HELL isn’t he standing up for you? Why are you enabling this totally spineless wonder? Time to lay down some very, very strong boundaries, not just with his family but also with him.