Context:
Me (35F) and my husband (38M) have rented a cabin from the island where he grew up. We come here for weekends and now during summer we’ve been here for a couple of weeks at one go. His parents still live on the same island, about 10 minute walk away.
On to the issue: His parents tend to come by unannounced. They go for a walk and stop by for a chat. Or they just drop by to bring glasses that they’ve spoken about with my husband. Or drop by to bring tomatoes from their garden. Sometimes these visits take 15 minutes, sometimes 2 hours. They are sweet people and mean well, but this is driving me nuts. We also have scheduled visits that we invite them for dinner (and vice versa) but on top of those they also stop by unannounced and uninvited.
I get that in some places it’s still common to go unannounced, and I guess to them their son’s cabin is a place they feel they can just stop by. But to me this is crossing a huge boundary. I would never go to anyone’s house without calling or texting first, not even my own parents or my close friends. You could also say that I’m an introvert; I love the people I have in my life, but I want to know when someone is visiting (and preferably also when they’re leaving) so that I can prepare. Since they keep coming unannounced and always at times when we’re in the middle of something (eating breakfast, cleaning etc), I haven’t been very nice and hospitable toward them. My husband will chat for ages but I’ll be a bit quiet.
My husband is upset that I can’t be nicer to them when they stop by, since they mean well. I’ve asked repeatedly that he would talk to them to ask that they would call or text when they leave their house so that we’d have at least 10 minutes head up. I feel that if you show up uninvited and unannounced and just let yourself in, you run the risk that people aren’t always happy and excited to see you. I feel bad since I also know they mean well, but at the same time what do they expect.
So, AITA for not being nice when my husband’s parents show up to our house unannounced?
In case it matters: English is not my first language and we’re based in Europe
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Context:
Me (35F) and my husband (38M) have rented a cabin from the island where he grew up. We come here for weekends and now during summer we’ve been here for a couple of weeks at one go. His parents still live on the same island, about 10 minute walk away.
On to the issue: His parents tend to come by unannounced. They go for a walk and stop by for a chat. Or they just drop by to bring glasses that they’ve spoken about with my husband. Or drop by to bring tomatoes from their garden. Sometimes these visits take 15 minutes, sometimes 2 hours. They are sweet people and mean well, but this is driving me nuts. We also have scheduled visits that we invite them for dinner (and vice versa) but on top of those they also stop by unannounced and uninvited.
I get that in some places it’s still common to go unannounced, and I guess to them their son’s cabin is a place they feel they can just stop by. But to me this is crossing a huge boundary. I would never go to anyone’s house without calling or texting first, not even my own parents or my close friends. You could also say that I’m an introvert; I love the people I have in my life, but I want to know when someone is visiting (and preferably also when they’re leaving) so that I can prepare. Since they keep coming unannounced and always at times when we’re in the middle of something (eating breakfast, cleaning etc), I haven’t been very nice and hospitable toward them. My husband will chat for ages but I’ll be a bit quiet.
My husband is upset that I can’t be nicer to them when they stop by, since they mean well. I’ve asked repeatedly that he would talk to them to ask that they would call or text when they leave their house so that we’d have at least 10 minutes head up. I feel that if you show up uninvited and unannounced and just let yourself in, you run the risk that people aren’t always happy and excited to see you. I feel bad since I also know they mean well, but at the same time what do they expect.
So, AITA for not being nice when my husband’s parents show up to our house unannounced?
In case it matters: English is not my first language and we’re based in Europe
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I may be the asshole here since I haven’t been nice and welcoming to my husband’s parents when they show up uninvited and unannounced to our house, even though they’re sweet people and mean well
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
I’m with you on this, I hate the ” pop in”.
Just no.
Text first.
NTA and your hubby needs to ask them to respect that you need a bit of warning.
You could always try taking to walking around nude?😁😉 I bet he’d be quick to ask them to text first then! (just kidding)
NTA. That sounds annoying. Even 10 minutes time before someone comes is too short for me. I understand that they want to spend tome with their son, but they should at least say that they are gonna come
Info: are they letting themselves in? Or are you opening the door for them? If they let themselves in, that’s a ridiculously huge overstep. Maybe invest in a chain lock so they can’t open it. If you’re opening the door say sorry now’s not a good time, and firmly close it.
My favourite story of someone getting around this was (accidentally) having sex when the mother turned up. Safe to say she never showed up without warning again!
NTA. 95% of normal people want the head’s up text. It’s not a big ask
NTA
currently me and my sister lives in the same street; she still asks before coming if i am available or not.
NTA, tell your husband that you had a bad moment and couldnt find time to fix your attitude.
While they definitely mean well, no. NTA. I currently live on my boyfriends’s parents’ property with him in a camper. And they absolutely do not just “drop by” without a warning unless they are specifically coming by to steal him for help, or to tell HIM something real quick. And even then, they don’t super judge me for not coming out of the bedroom area to talk to them. If they really want to talk to me, they yell and I yell back lol.
They also ASK us to come in for dinner with them, and we’re planning to have regular meals. But these are PLANNED, and they understand I just don’t have that kind of social battery. It sucks, because his parents seem sweet, but they like to be social, at least with y’all.
You need to explain to your husband that you are NOT saying they should stop coming by, you simply want a heads up, and I’m SURE his parents will be fine with it! All you want is a quick “Hey! We’ll be stopping by in a little!” And that’s the end of it. Tell him you’re not against them coming by or seeing them, and that you love them and have no problem hosting them. You just want preparation, which honestly, shouldn’t he want that too? That way you aren’t in the middle of something when they come by? You can’t host as well if you’re consistently unprepared.
I just think more communication is in order, and if he can’t handle that, I’d do it yourself. Just be gentle about it and explain it the same way to them as you would him. Nothing will change except how you feel about them coming over. This will just keep building until he’s finally grown enough to address this.
NTA. I feel like this is a generational thing, though, cause my parents talk fondly about friends or family that just pops by, etc and personally I think that’s highly rude. Although my parents never just went over to peoples houses without any notice. But I’m glad we always lived aways from my in-laws cause I feel like they would have done this too. They were very much like the in-laws from Everybody Loves Raymond.
NTA
In response to this situation, it’s important to recognise that cultural norms around family visits vary greatly across regions, especially in many European Mediterranean cultures where unannounced visits from family are quite common and often seen as a sign of closeness. Since your husband’s parents live very close by and have possibly grown up in that cultural context, their behaviour likely reflects what feels natural and affectionate to them.
However, your need for advance notice to feel comfortable and to prepare for visits is equally valid, especially as an introvert who values having control over your social environment. The key here is finding a respectful balance that honours both your boundaries and their way of expressing care.
Rather than seeing this as a clash of niceness or hospitality, consider framing it as a cultural and personal difference where mutual understanding and adaptation are needed. Your husband plays a crucial role in communicating your needs to his parents, explaining gently that while you deeply appreciate their visits and kindness, you would feel more comfortable and able to enjoy their company if they could call or text before coming. This avoids alienating the family or your husband while protecting your boundaries.
They should have taken the hint that you are not a fan of this by now. A pop in on occasion that leads to a 15 minute chat on the porch / dropping off something is a charming way to enjoy vacation life, but it cannot be a visit that enters the house or that happens frequently or lasts two hours. I come from a place where people drop by. But that means we know what a drop by means. Every other time we of course pre arrange coming by. Your partner needs to set the boundary with them and enforce it.
You should have rented elsewhere, don’t you think? His parents probably assume that their son will be happy to see them since he’s rented a place nearby.
Your husband does not see your POV about their constant visits, so either you ask him to tell his parents to wait for an invitation or you rent elsewhere to be further away or you do not engage with them (apart from hello) when they do come by. You can just go about YOUR business even when they show up. Too bad for them if they find that rude.
NTA
I just can’t imagine my children not just dropping into my house as and when they want. I also have no problems telling them it’s a bad time for whatever reason. But I have a tongue and can communicate face to face without the need to text. Probably YTA because you are unable to have a simple conversation but NTA for wanting alone time with husband. But I will say as someone who no longer has parents calling in, I guess I’m jealous of that relationship sounds lovely stopping by with some tomatoes so wholesome ya know.
Husband here.
A few words for Husband: sure they mean well but they are causing discord in YOUR home with YOUR family. Working with YOUR wife, set a reasonable boundary. Tell them to call and ask ‘is it convenient?’
Good grief
If you come by unannounced, I’m under no obligation to even open the door.
They may mean well, but they have no respect for your privacy.
Did you ever tell them that it matters to you and that you’ll be pleased to see them if them will just make the effort to call you before?
OMG. I HATE it when someone just comes over without saying anything. I could be cooking, cleaning, working, or just doing my own thing that doesn’t involve them. Why do people expect me to drop everything and go be a good host. I’m imagining OP doing the laundry or something and then being surprised by a visit so she has to stop doing what she was doing and go make some snacks and stuff while her husband sits with his parents and gives her dirty looks because she didn’t say hi. And now OP has to do what she was doing later when her spirit to do it is gone. Seriously NTA.
My mum had a tendency to swing by our house without warning.
What keeps us sane is
Is this a cultural norm for them? Is this an island life thing? I’ve lived on islands with small communities & yup. You’re probably lucky that it’s just his parents stopping by on the daily tbh. NTA but idk if this is the hill to die on because island life is what it is in some places. Sorry.