The title actually sums up pretty much exactly what I (16m) said to my parents. But there’s so much context to go with that and I’m really sorry in advance if this is crazy long.
Alright so I’m the middle kid of three. My older brother is 10 months older than me. My younger brother is 2 years younger. So we’re 17, 16 and 14. My older and younger brother HATE each other. They’re always fighting and doing petty shit to each other. It drives our parents crazy and takes up a lot of attention. Or at least that’s the excuse my parents use. Even before it got really bad my parents always overlooked me more than my brothers. I was an easier kid and everything but why does that mean it’s okay to ignore me?
When we were younger it was smaller stuff. Like mom or dad would forget to ask me to pick out my treat at the grocery store, something each of us did whenever we went grocery shopping with our parents, and we’d circle back around to let me pick something once everything was paid for because we were normally at the checkout before my parents could listen to me say I was forgotten or it took that long for them to realize on their own. Or another example is sometimes my parents would go up to order our food and they’d forget my order and have to go back up and place it. Happened in Drive Thru’s too.
But then it was ignoring/forgetting to help me with homework when my brother’s needed help too or if they argued. Forgetting stuff they had promised me because their focus was on my brothers. Forgetting we needed to go out and buy stuff for school and that resulted in a few emails to my teachers to let them know I was going in without needed materials. It was also leaving me behind places because once my brothers started fighting more they’d race off and not check if I was there. And it was forgetting two of my birthdays and remembering the next day and not even apologizing for it because I was so understanding and mature and they would celebrate like it was my actual birthday.
There were times in the last two years where they forgot they dropped me somewhere and never came to pick me up. If I was lucky my best friend was there and his parents would drop me off at home and sometimes they’d pick me up and feed me first because they’d be aware I was waiting a while to leave. Other times I had to call five or six times before they’d answer.
In the past I have brought up these incidents to them and they always like we really don’t mean it and we’re just so overwhelmed with your brothers and we’ll do better. But it feels more and more like they don’t notice whether I’m around or not unless they get really tired of my brothers fighting and I end up hanging out with one of them which breaks the tension for a while.
Then the other week happened. I was at my best friends house and I had an allergic reaction to something I ate. His mom drove me to the emergency room and she was trying to call my parents. Six hours. Six whole hours of calls and my parents weren’t at work. They were home. She tried on her phone and on mine. When her husband left work he went to my house and told my parents what was going on. It was only then and like 6 hours and 20 or 30 minutes later that they left the house and they showed up at the hospital 7 hours after I went in.
I had to stay in overnight and I told my parents to go home because I was so mad and upset with them that they brought me no comfort. My best friends mom stayed with me which wasn’t really allowed but an exception was made because of how upset I was. My parents picked me up at discharge time and they were being all caring and stuff but it bothered me.
Things were strained for about a week and they told me they really needed to apologize. I said yeah but it didn’t mean anything and the conversation went on from there. And I brought up how I was home late by 2.5 hours and they hadn’t noticed and it took my best friend’s dad literally going to the house to tell them. Then my brothers were brought up and it was all just annoying. They swore that I was not the overlooked middle child and I asked them how long would it take them to notice if I died and would they even notice because it sure looked like they wouldn’t. That really upset them and they asked why I’d say it and I told them I meant it. The conversation stopped then but a few days after my dad told me it felt like I went out of my way to hurt them and I’m usually more mature than that.
AITA?
Comments
You didn’t say it to hurt them you said it because you’re hurting, and they haven’t been listening for years. Sometimes the truth shocks people awake, and honestly, they needed the jolt.
This reads like a fantasy written by a dramatic 12 year old. YTA
no, u r not the a**hole. u’ve been ignored for years, and it’s fair u finally spoke up. what u said was emotional, but it came from hurt. they needed to hear it.
You didn’t say that to hurt them, you said it because you’ve been hurt for years. Being the ‘easy kid’ doesn’t mean you should feel invisible. What you said wasn’t cruel. It was honest. And honestly? You deserve to be seen.
Fellow middle child here. It sucks. You’re NTA for how you reacted and for what you said. If you didn’t react that way, they would have just swept it under the rug and everything would continue on the way it has always been. Maybe now they might do better. It does get better as you become an adult and move out of home – you can start to build a functional life for yourself. Don’t back down and don’t let them off the hook.
NTA!!
“Oh no, our child. You’re having an argument with us for once, how could you?? It’s your fault as you proved to be much more mature than this since you were forced to by our neglect!”
I’m sorry OP. At least you’re more than prepared to take care of yourself if you choose to move out of their house as soon as you can. They are really neglecting you
Updateme
NTA. Ask them for family Therapy and see how that goes,
It sound like when you are 18, you can move out and they wont notice .
I have friend who did that, moved out went to uni ( back then you could go to uni at 18 in my country) and they didnt notice for 1½ months. Reason they notice was gran talking about him and how proud she was that he went to Uni and how nice apartment he had.
Then the parents tried to paw of his older brother to his apartment, but that was no go since it was student only.
Nta your parents sucks and deserves 100% to be called out exactly like you said.
Updateme
“You claim i’m not ignored, yet you couldn’t be fucked answering your phone for over 6 hours. Don’t tell me about YOUR hurt feelings, they are worthless at this point. You have done nothing but prove I am your constant afterthought, and once I am out, I will stay out. Enjoy life dealing with the kids that only argue and cause havoc. I hope they will let you be part of their lives, because you have never chosen to be part of mine”
When I was young (maybe 10 or 11) I had an issue when out with my parents (can’t even remember what was going on). My dad drove me home and said to me “We’d expect that of your brother but not you”. I think he was pulling the same sort of thing (you are usually more mature than this, older brother btw), all I heard was we treat you differently and we know it. I never forgot that moment and it completely changed my view of my family, I rarely talk to them now 40+ years later. Little things can affect children, unfairness is a big one that they notice and do not forget
The only reason they apologized is they were embarrassed your friends parents know now.
NTA
Look up the term, DARVO.
You didn’t say anything to hurt your parents. You were expressing your hurt. Because they have hurt you with their neglect. And constantly saying that it’s because you’re more mature is a cop out. You’ve had to be more mature than your brothers because your parents have neglected you.
They deserve it. They are horrible parents.
Nta
NTA
Your parents should be embarrassed about the shameful way they’ve treated you. I hope your friends mom gives them the judgiest looks.
UpdateMe
NTA. Typical middle child syndrome. You are an easy kid so they focus on the problematic one. You shouldn’t be the one suffering from this, they need to do better
The truth is the truth. Absolutely ridiculous they ignored calls from their own child! Repeated calls! It is ridiculous they let the two other boys fight like that. They are doing a good job at being parents.
NTA, the missing birthdays part is particularly horrid.
However, if you want a cold hard dose of truth, parenting is hard. If there are two kids that “need” a lot of attention (because they’re being horrible), they’re going to get it, and the middle child is, stereotypically, often the overlooked one. Especially if they’re well-behaved. Parents aren’t perfect, parents have favourites (goes the other way too, children very clearly have preferred parents, particularly when young) and having evidence that you’re not the favourite isn’t fun. Parents can also be forgetful and burnt out, to the point of being neglectful (as seems to be the case with your description). But that doesn’t mean they don’t love you, and clearly they feel guilt so it’s obviously not deliberate. People are flawed, and you may have to accept that your parents are particularly so.
That obviously all sucks for you, and you can and should be annoyed about it. However, what you don’t want to happen is to let it become a huge chip on your shoulder that you carry for your life and into other relationships and situations. One day, you might be convinced that your manager is overlooking you at work over other colleagues, or friends in your social circle like you the least etc, not because that is true but because you’ve internalised the feeling of being overlooked.
nta
why oh why always has the victim, the ignored, the mistreated, the lied to, the got stolen… one to be more mature one, why so often the younger generation one?
You did not went out of your way to hurt them, you only made clear how you feel, and rightly so, because… seriously? I’d not be astonished if they do miss that. Or something else
Do you have any other relatives? If yes, get their contact details, save those at e.g. your friends’ places, just in case. Maybe tell someone you trust out of said relatives? Not for immediate help, more like a potential back-up for the future?
When ready, also when of the legal age of that, get your own bank account at a bank not related to your family, try to get money as presents, get as much savings as possible,…
I feel there might be a chance for nothing left for you for e.g. education, medical things, starting adulthood costs.
If you feel like they start to turn into trying to twist all into somehow you being the cause or… get information what is needed in your country to make you and your future safe (e.g. youth center, school counselor,… => where get legal or ‘adulting’ advice, see e.g. insurance, loans, education, credit freeze,…)
You are right they are wrong. I am middle child. It stinks that they treated you like that. Update me
You are 16. Your parents have a responsibility for your care and they appear to be dismal failures. Your brothers may be “hard work” but they have no respect for your needs and have neglected you on several occasions. This is abuse.
Your family needs therapy if there is any hope of repairing this relationship.
I will agree with one statement that your parents made: you are more mature but that includes being more mature than them.
I would seriously consider reporting their neglect and ignoring you. Go to a trusted teacher or someone at your school and tell them everything. Tell them how you felt in this last episode and that they dont even bother trying to improve. They just use the same tired e case that they were with your brothers. Ignoring a child for over 6 hours and not taking a call during a medical episode, I would have called CPS on their asses. Tell everyone you can about how they behave. They deserve to be publucally shamed. If they left me somewhere and didn’t pick me up, I would call the cops and say they abandoned me. Someone needs to light a serious fire under their asses
Updateme
NTA your parents suck
NTA. To be fair a lot worse could have been said. They are lucky you are nice.
If they won’t set aside time to do family therapy, I highly recommend you go. I am going through a very similar situation as a full grown adult, and I am so grateful to have someone to talk to. Because what I struggle with is “how my own parents cannot prioritize me for a minute?” Or ” how can my own flesh & blood not love me?”…;’ that’s how their actions show up and translate in my mind.
NTA. You really could have died, and they wouldn’t have noticed. That’s why you asked it. Don’t apologise. Your parents are neglectful. It should not have taken them so long.
You should be talking to a trusted adult such as a teacher. Your parents need a kick up the arse. They need to be there for all of you, not just the trouble makers.
NTA Just because you’re mature doesn’t mean you don’t matter. This is the stuff that leads to you growing up and never speaking to any of them again.
We got this shit with my husband. His siblings are all chaos goblins that destroy everything. We are functional adults so therefore we don’t need attention.
We don’t speak to them anymore. I’m sorry but my husband matters and is deserving of care and love. If you can’t do it. Get out of my life.
I dealt with it until we had kids and they started doing it to them too. Fuck off people.
From one former easy kid (adult now) to another – Keep speaking up. Don’t drop it. They blame your brothers? Tell them it isn’t an excuse. Keep talking to your friends parents about home life. Talk to your school too – just because your easy going doesn’t mean you deserve to be overlooked and ignored.
Sending hugs to you!
TLDR: NTA dude.
A 16yo isn’t meant to be ‘mature’ to feel nothing when their parents, the actual adults in the situation, keep F’ing up? No, this isn’t on you.
Speaking as a flawed parent myself, no one is perfect. I do acknowledge my flaws with my kid, I don’t expect kiddo to be acting anything but their age. That BS about you being mature is BS – you’re 16, you need your parents, and you being understanding of the stress your brothers put on them doesn’t change that they are leaving you alone and isolated. Kids need their parents to shield them from life a but, guide you by meeting you where you are, and be there. You being an easy child doesn’t mean they only spend time with you when you’re the light break from your brothers. I do take the effort and time to let my kid know those moments and things I do under stress isn’t ok. Apologise. Assure them it’s not their fault and refocus on what they asked/needed/want to do etc. They need to make the time and tell your brothers to handle themselves or get someone there to watch them/diffuse the tension.
Have they seen a family counsellor? Maybe suggest that, stand your ground on the fact they don’t overlook you and this isn’t ok because you handle yourself without tantrums and conflict. That’s not maturity, they’re missing the term – you’re just a kid trying to not add to their plate but that doesn’t excuse them from basic duties of guardianship children need.
You’re not an inconvenience. Your brothers need to be included in this so they say how they affect others and the impact they have (why do they hate each other? How can they be ok with this? What is worth this?). A family counsellor would be in the best position to help a family unravel this. All of you can improve this but it’s not on you – your parents need help figuring out how to bring some balance to the home life. Tell them they can talk to a family counsellor, ask family/friends to have your brothers around etc., or accept this is what they’re creating. It affects you too, you didn’t lie or say it to hurt anyone. If it hurts them it’s cause they know it’s true, and you’re not one to throw a fit.
Good luck and take care, just know the skills you build will pay off as an adult no matter how much we wish we didn’t have to experience it as kids to know/be able to handle somethings. Early life experiences are hard burdens sometimes but can be great lessons too. You’ll be ok, remember those incidents also show how capable and independent you can be later when you will need to. Sorry you’re having to learn that so early.
Frankly am amazed you were admitted without your parent since you are underage. CPS might have been called.
Are you in the US? The hospital should have reported the incident to CPS. There is zero excuse for them not showing up to the hospital if they had been calling for 6 hours. They have neglected you. NTA
Nta at all. Your parents have just confirmed to you that you are invisible to them. They don’t get to act the victim when they did exactly what you had told them that they do.
Whether they like it or not, they absolutely let you down. It’s not a one time thing, this is a pattern that ultimately led to a far more serious consequence. Sometimes an apology is not enough, because they refuse to hear you.
An apology is only heartfelt and meaningful when they acknowledge that they have and did do you wrong, and resolve to do better. Even then it has to be shown over time “actions not words”.
Using your supposed maturity as a stick to beat you with is just proving your point, you being the quiet, responsible kid who never creates conflict is being used as justification for them not being there for you. Let that sink in.
It shows that they do indeed think an apology is enough, and you are the problem. In a few years they will be shouting from the rooftops “why does our kid not speak to us” even though they’ve refused to hear you for many years.
FYI you’ve had to mature quickly because they’ve neglected your needs, you don’t feel safe around them, and this just proves it,
Update me!
You’re mature because your parents aren’t… This situation has been going on for years and they have failed to take control of this. They need to learn parenting skills and send both of your brothers away for behavioural assessment.
Family therapy is needed for sure. They need help. Is there a someone at school that you can speak to? I think you have to try and get support for yourself. You have been utterly failed by your parents, I am heartbroken for you.
UpdateMe!
NTA. Your parents are AHs.
I am so sorry
When your parents mention how hurt they are again just just respond to them by saying “now you know how I feel” or “welcome to my world.”
I’m glad that you have friends with parents that are watching out for you. I know it’s little comfort but if you can just hold on until you are 18 and then you can leave for college or trade school.
Just remember, blood family are not everything and you owe them nothing, do not fall into their emotional blackmail traps once they realise that you are distancing yourself. You deserve better.
You didn’t necessarily say this to hurt them but because YOU are hurt that your parents seem to disregard your existence. And even if you had said it to hurt them, they deserve to be a bit hurt for how they treat you. I was going to ask if you’re a girl, but I checked again and saw you’re not, so it isn’t that. Them ignoring you for six hours while you were in the ER should be a wakeup call.
NTA
OP, sorry your parents are treating you this way.
They are wrong. Period. Full Stop, no excuses for them. They have a moral and legal (by the way) obligation to you.
They are clearly failing you. It is disgusting for them to try to offer excuses for said failure. Keep calling them out. Do not accept the excuses. They have a legal obligation to answer the phone when you are being treated at a hospital. By not answering, they put you at risk and the Doctors trying to treat you. This is NOT acceptable in any way at all !
You deserve to be cared for properly.
They took that oath when they made you. Remind them of this FACT. Ask for family therapy. If they refuse, seek therapy on your own via the school counselor or other teen counseling programs which can help you. You deserve a support system.
Wishing you the Best !
Tell your dad, “That’s the problem. I am mature, but that doesn’t mean that you just get to forget about me and push me to the side. I could have need emergency surgery to save my life and you couldn’t be bothered to pick up the phone. I feel that I could move out and you wouldn’t even know I was gone”
UpdateMe
Poor parents suddenly discovered that they’re shit. Poor them.
Updateme
You didn’t say these things to hurt them. You said these things to tell them how much they are hurting you. They are hijacking it to make it all about them. They are revetsing what you did to make themselves the victim of your “attack” when all you did was tell them what their behaviour is doing to you. That is a form of DARVO.
By “mature”, they really mean “let us get away with our neglect without consequences”. Your dad is complaining about your so-called lack of maturity now because you’re forcing them to face consequences for their neglect and they don’t like it.
They’re lucky your friend’s parents or the hospital didn’t call child services to investigate child neglect.
NTA. IF you still want to maintain a relationship with your parents, use their current guilt and ask for family therapy with just you three. Not your brothers, at least until the therapist deems fit.
But do this only if you still want a relationship with them in the future which you are entitled not to have given how they are currently treating you. I’m really sorry you’re having to deal with this.
More parents need to realize ‘mature for your age’ is usually a trauma response one develops after years of neglect and trauma.
“I HAD to went out of my usual line for you to figure out that you were taking me for granted, maybe I should start placing my line there to be noticed. Or maybe I should start fighting with my brothers, so the next time I almost die, maybe you pick up the Phone a little early or try to apologize in a more convincing way. That speaks volumes about you two more than me”
NTA
NTA, I don’t know what’s more mature than giving them a reality check. Missing 1-2 calls is understandable, but missing every single call for 6 hours begs the question of what were they doing? Did they not wonder where their middle child was? Did they not think that getting repeatedly called over the course of 6 hours might mean someone’s desperately trying to get a hold of them?
“They swore I was not the overlooked middle child”. It’s one thing saying it and another thing proving it, and all they’ve proven thus far is that that statement’s false. OP wasn’t going out of their way to hurt their parents, they just didn’t like being called out for consistently forgetting OP exists.
If the friend’s dad didn’t go to OP’s house I genuinely wonder how long it would’ve been before they noticed OP wasn’t there, my money would’ve been on days. I imagine if OP decides to go NC in the future after moving out, which I honestly wouldn’t blame them, the parents will be confused why, will try to downplay their neglect, and will shift the blame on either OP or their siblings somehow taking up 120% of their attention.
Your brothers likely fight in order to get the attention from your parents. They may not realize it though.
Your parents suck and a terrible listeners. You’re telling them what you need and they continue to ignore you as a person. Don’t waste further time trying to get them to change.
Over the remaining time till adulthood focus on preparing yourself to move on and build your own life.
Word of advice though, don’t list your parents as emergency contacts. 🤪
NTA. UpdateMe