Do you think this issue is me or him or both? Am I truly too chaotic or is he too rigid?
The start of our relationship was rocky at best. He was recovering from his previous relationship, ended over his ex cheating.
We were just friends and met doing the same course. This was years ago, however he didn’t want a relationship but would treat me like his gf. We had many fights over this as I felt confused at the time and we had a lot of ups and downs. This was about 18 months until he decided he did want a relationship.
We’ve now been together 3 years. The relationship can feel perfect at times but over the 3 years there’s been a lot of hardships.
The first one is that his friend died suddenly, the grief consumed him and we almost broke up because of the stress and toll. I tried to support him but there’s not much I could do.
The second thing is I moved his sister in. She was struggling with her living situation, he had sold me on this idea they were really close and he’d do anything to help her, when she stayed at ours I had mentioned off handedly she may be able to stay in the spare room. She had called him the Sunday after to confirm and he said yes, but he was so angry with me for offering it without consulting him (he was there when I had initially offered and I’ll be honest my mouth was moving before my brain) she was with us for a year, and yeah she was hard work. But the way he treated her was diabolical, he would leave any room she entered, refused to talk about things that would bother him and I ended up realising they weren’t as close as he said. She grew quite attached to me and feels closer to me than him now which is a shame.
I feel he resents me for this.
The final nail in the coffin, I got a dog. I’ve wanted one for 2 years, he finally said I could get one and he regrets it big time. It blew up the other day and I loved out with the dog for two days (it was originally my house). He says I pecked his head and it’s my fault I don’t listen to him or care about him.
I’ll be honest I’m pretty sure I have ADHD, there is a long list of symptoms I have had all my life and the main two that get in my way is impulsivity and obsessive interests when I get locked in.
I’ve always been this wat but I’ll admit I have calmed down a lot in some ways.
My issue is his anger, it feels whenever he doesn’t get things his own way or anything stressful happens (sister, dog, changing jobs, making a mistake etc) he completely shifts the energy in the room. He goes quiet and anger, answering in short sentences (unlike him) or shutting down conversations. He just stares at nothing seething and then will eventually blow up. He thinks it’s not a problem because he doesn’t “take it out on me” by insulting me or breaking things. But it makes me incredibly anxious and the thing is, these moods of his last for days or weeks at a time and I end up throwing up from anxiety after it gets to a certain point.
He thinks the issue is the new dog, but I’ve tried pointing out the multiple times this has happened before the dog. But he thinks I don’t listen to him or take him seriously, but I genuinely feel I do and I love him. I always listen to him and try to get his side and opinions, but I am very quick moving, forget things, make impulsive choices and always racing ahead. He thinks I’m never satisfied and always want more (relationship, dog and marriage) but I just see it as natural progression and why would you not want some things even when you are happy.
I don’t constantly buy things, I’m obsessed with a few things that take up time, crochet, martial arts and my dog. I don’t buy new stuff constantly or ask things constantly I don’t think, I just feel I keep getting ready wrong. He says I have ADHD for sure pretty much every day from the way I am and talk and deal with things, but if he doesn’t like what I’ve done or said he then changes it to you can’t say that when you’re not diagnosed. I would go for a diagnosis but I don’t want medication, I’ve survived just fine and starting to find my own ways of managing symptoms.
Anyway, I just feel like I’m constantly doing things wrong and I don’t know if we are just incompatibile which is a shame. Or if this is something we can work on? I am starting to feel like things are always on his terms but I don’t know if I’m just feeling defensive at the moment, I’m open to any opinions please and thank you!!
Comments
You don’t have to take meds just because you get tested. And if you do want to try meds, there are non stimulant ones like Strattera. You can also do CBT specific to ADHD.
You say you’ve survived just fine but you listed several symptoms that are impacting you and those around you. I don’t think that’s “fine”.
Whether you choose to get tested or not, it would be wise for you to engage some strategies to mitigate your symptoms. You can find lots of tips with a quick google.
Your BF sounds like an asshole. That ha la nothing to do with your ADHD. But I don’t think you understand what it’s like to live with someone with poorly managed ADHD. It can be awfully frustrating.
I just want to 100% confirm that the house is yours and he moved in with you before I give any advice.
Hello. No, The problem is you are letting him control you and your house. Is the sister paying rent at all? He can be angry towards you about the spare room. You auto answered “Yes” to the spare room and It is one of them ” It would be nice to know ” moments. Maybe he feels that you just do things without asking/telling him first and that shows a lack of respect. I bet the ex really did not respect him and did not at least tell him first or let him know first as well and that brings up bad memories. It is your house you can do what you want with your home, You could even charge him rent or make him pay his share of the bills. The dog is a dog and he agreed to having a dog there. You did not even half to ask him to have a dog. I am not doctor but, Spontaneous behaviour sounds like mania / manic episodes. He is correct because taking it out on you by calling you names would not be helpful and not solve a problem. The reason why you throw up is because he is making you feel bad emotionally. This can be from emotional abuse. The overwhelming unnecessary stress that you get. Do not let him take over or be in control.