So… this just exploded in my face and I don’t even know what to feel right now. I’m 28. My husband’s 30. We’ve been married for two years. I thought I knew everything I needed to know about him. We’re not perfect, but we’ve built something. Or so I thought. Last weekend, I found out something that shook me. He has a kid. A whole child. A four year old. And no this wasn’t some adoption plan or a family secret from the past he just found out about. He knew. He’s known. Since before we even got married. Since before we even got serious. And he just… kept it to himself. Never said a word. Not once. Not when we were talking about our own plans for kids. Not when I asked him about his past relationships. Not even when we had that big conversation before the wedding about “no secrets.” Wanna know how I found out? His mom. Slipped up during a family dinner. Mentioned how “his son looks just like him” in front of everyone. And I’m just sitting there like his WHAT? Everyone went quiet. Like someone hit mute. I felt sick. Later that night, I confronted him. At first, he denied it. Said I misunderstood. Then he admitted it. Said he was scared I’d leave. That it “wasn’t relevant.” That “he doesn’t even see the kid much anyway.” Like that made it better. I told him this I can accept that he has a child. I can even accept that the child came from a time before us. But what I can’t accept is the fact that he hid it from me. For years. That he lied by omission every day. That he built a marriage on a false version of himself. He tried to guilt me. Said I was being harsh. That
I was “punishing him for being a father.” No. I’m punishing him for being a liar. Big difference. And now his mom is involved too. She’s blowing up my phone, saying I’m “overreacting” and “trying to erase her grandchild.” Like… what?? I never said anything bad about the kid. My issue is with her son lying to me. But of course, she’s taking his side. I haven’t decided what I’m gonna do yet. Part of me wants to pack up and go. Another part feels stuck. And then there’s this loud, messy voice in my head going, “Maybe it’s not that big a deal? Maybe you are being dramatic?” So yeah. I’m all twisted up over this. I accepted the truth about the child. What I can’t accept is being lied to every single day of my marriage. That betrayal? That’s what broke me. So… AITAH?
Comments
That’s a big lie. Dump this asshole. What else has he lied about, I would wonder?
NTA. Major breach of trust. Couple’s counseling is a must. But….
Honestly, my personal opinion is that there’s no coming back from that….I’d be looking for a lawyer.
NTA. And you know that. Take your time to figure out your next step. He lied and had his whole family lie to you too. You just have to figure out if you can ever trust him and them again.
If he doesn’t seem the child much, then what kind of father is he? Do you want to have children with someone who can just walk away from his child easily? NTA!!
NTA this is not forgivable and he if he can lie about having a kid for years which is a big deal he has no issues lying about other things. Then they are trying to turn this around on you like you have nothing to be upset over.
Run and don’t look back.
He lied and his whole family was with him in this lie.
Tbh, I would leave. This is huge. This is a whole little human being he was hiding from you.
I have a kid. If I found out what you did about your husband and his words “wasn’t relevant” or “he doesn’t even see the kid much anyway”, I’d no longer respect him. He’d see the disgust in my eyes and know it’s over.
Mom needs to stay in her lane. She isn’t a part of your marriage. This is between you and your husband.
This is a betrayal of trust, big time! And he sounds like a shite father too.
it “wasn’t relevant.” That “he doesn’t even see the kid much anyway.”
Wtf dude, every child is relevant!!!
I would also be questioning my marriage to him just with these statements alone. If he is so blasé about his first child (regardless of how, when and with who he was conceived) how is he going to react to any future children?
Sorry you have been dealt this blow. Definitely NTA.
OP, you are definitely not TAH.
Not only is he a liar, but it sounds like he’s not doing right by his son. Doesn’t see him often??
And he either isn’t paying child support or is also lying about where some money is going.
Then the gaslighting and BS about “punishing him for being a father”!
If he loses OP, it’ll be for his lies and lack of character.
I always say when cheaters see you accept what they do that they will do it again.
Imagine what he will hide in the future
NTA. Also, do you really want to spend your life and possibly raise children with a guy whose response to you learning he has a kid is “I don’t even see him that much?” So not only is he a devious liar, he’s a crap father.
NTA. Why do you want to be with someone who has effectively abandoned his child? Sounds like a pretty awful husband and worse father. And the lying is a deal-breaker IMO.
No you aren’t being dramatic that’s not something you lie about
Wonder what else he’s lying about. Hiding a child for YEARS is not a sign that it’s his first time at deception and defending it shows no remorse. He doesn’t think he’s done anything wrong….Why would you want to stay??
The whole family conspired to keep up this lie. Definitely NTA.
So he’s admitted to being a deadbeat?
Annulment due to fraud
Is he paying child support? Because that also falls under financial abuse if he’s got money going out that you don’t know about, even if it’s not from a shared account.
Your relationship is built on a lie, actually multiple lies. An entire family kept a huge secret from you. He has a child he doesnt seem to care about or see often.
Its disgusting. Dont lie to yourself. It is a very big deal.
Absolutely NTA. As you said, the child isn’t a problem. The problem is he *lied”. Constantly. Every day. He married you and kept you in the dark, despite your vows. He never wanted you to know about this child. And frankly, how much is he even giving this poor kid? He obviously isn’t seeing him with regularity. Is he paying child support? It doesn’t speak well to his character that he has managed to hide it so easily for so long. The whole situation is just fucked up. How can you trust him? And if you can’t trust him, how can you stay married to him? Would he hide your own child if you divorced or you died? Nah, he’s shown his true colours and they are ugly. Walk away now before you get any deeper in this situation.
It’s a betrayal, you’re NOT overreacting. Take your time and space to think about your future, because he planted a seed of doubt now and this is the plant that is coming up. NTA
So not only did he not tell you, and his entire family kept this secret from you, but he admitted that he rarely sees this kid. Not only is he a lying POS, but he’s a deadbeat lying POS.
Stop trying to convince yourself that this isn’t a big deal. It is absolutely a big deal. He hid a child from you, for years. There is no coming back from that… and on top of the lying… if he’s that kind of loser father, why would you even want to stay with him after all this??
There is no conceivable way that you could be TAH in this situation.
GIRL. If you don’t PACK UP AND LEAVE NOW! He lied about a whole child. If he lied about the child and you found out he slipped up, he isn’t even an active father, which is an EW. What else is he going to lie about? What else is his family going to hid from you? What is worse is that you are being guilted and manipulated into staying. I would tell my trusted people (family and friends), seek an attorney for a consultation, and make sure you have a safety plan. Your husband and family are nuts.
If he’s willing to have this attitude about his son , how is he gonna feel about kids you have this is a low quality person , no redeeming qualities at all , yta f you stay he abounded his own kid barley sees him if you stay you will get all the misery you’ll deserve
Dump him and his enabling mother. Hell to the yeah, you’re allowed to be a dramatic as you want because he and his mother are lying POSs. Get OUT!
He lied about being a father. Worse in my view is that he has so little contact with that child you didn’t notice. Never have a kid with him because his behaviour tells you he just will not care about his children. Get out of this. Whatever it is now.
NTA. This is unforgivable. He has betrayed you and his son on a shattering level.
That’s a massive lie. His whole family aided him in this massive lie. And to top it off, he’s a deadbeat dad. If I were you, I’d run for the hills.
How are you punishing him for being a father when you, his wife never even knew about the child? Is he also seeing this child behind your back? You didn’t know about the kid….but does baby momma know about you? So many questions.
Are you sure this is the man you want to have a baby with? If the answer is no then you have the answer of what you need to do.
NTA
NTA… That’s a big lie for over 2 years. What else is he lying about?? He’s pretty good at it. I wouldn’t trust him anymore.
NTA. They are trying to use the child to guilt/shame you into thinking what he did wasn’t a huge deal. I would leave him he lied for your entire marriage that is an enormous betrayal. You can never trust him and there is no way he hasn’t been lying about other things.
NTA what kind of man says his child is not relevant?!??
What else he’s capable of lying about? It certainly is a deal breaker for many people and he and his family actively chose to deceived you. The audacity of his mum! She did it on purpose so she could openly have a relationship with the child now that you “can’t” break up.
Seems like a very creepy family, I wouldn’t feel safe with them.
NTA
Updateme
I would rather deal with the pain of leaving rather than stay and die by a thousand cuts. He’s already a known liar, and a terrible father. The lack of courage, accountability and disrespect every day just shows his character. I’d cut my losses and go.
Pack a few bags and go stay somewhere for a couple of weeks. Block everyone. Leave him a note. “I have gone away to think. I need peace and quiet to decide if I can stay with a liar and person that has no relationship with their little boy. The fact that you might walk away on our little kuds is concerning. I don’t think that I know you anymore. I don’t know what else you’ve been hiding and lying about. I just need time to think. Do not try to contact me. I will contact you when I’m ready to talk and give you my decision. The fact that your family has hidden this from me as well and is getting involved in our marriage is pushing me further away.”
That’s a HUGE LIE!!! The fact that he can just say “he doesn’t him much” like that makes it all ok. The fact he doesn’t see his son would also be a red flag for me. Why doesn’t he see him? Why lie about him. Any good father would ensure that his child is the first and most important person he talks about in any relationship. I would also be afraid to have children with him if he can be so dismissive of the child he already has!
NTA, he lied, when the lie was exposed, he downplayed not only the lie, but his whole child. Not Relevant? An entire person is NOT RELEVANT?
These are indications that he is not only dishonest, but emotionally manipulative and out right cruel. Not Relevant?!?! Do you really want to be with someone who thinks his CHILD is an irrelevant secret????
To me this is a massive red flag. As you say, if he was honest you’d be able to handle it and would welcome the child, but he lied and hid it, then doubled down that he never sees it so it’s not a big deal. Dude, you just admitted to your wife that your are a deadbeat dad and she is overreacting.
What else is he lying about? And his family, they are complicit as you were kept in the dark by everyone. For me there would be no coming back from this.
“Punishing him for being a father”? LOL does he think you are an idiot for falling for this gaslighting bs? Girl you married a loser time to move on.
Not the AH, not being over dramatic, not over reacting, not trying to “erase” the kid you never knew existed. Your husband and MiL are totally under reacting – they are a couple of colluding liars, who have betrayed your love and trust in them. No one would blame you for leaving. You have to decide if you love husband enough to get past this HUGE deception.
You’re erasing her grandson?
Ma’am, your son erased your grandson.
ETA: if anything, leaving would be punishing him for NOT being a father. Bc clearly he’s just a sperm donor to that child
annulment, sorry for your loss. you’re still young
NTA
NTA. If he could get his whole family to lie about a biological child, then imagine what else they would do for him!?! do you want that type of person to be a father of your kid? He clearly isn’t a father to his own kid. There’s lots of stuff that you have to ask yourself here. The one fact is your whole marriage is based on a major lie. He should’ve said something before you got serious so you could include that kid in your life. Obviously, he doesn’t care if the kid is included in his life. Do you wanna have kids with a person like that? Do you wanna be a part of a family who would lie to you and make you look stupid? Because that’s what they did and now they are using their lie to make you look bad.
Girl, what would you tell your best friend in this situation?
Yeah, this is a big deal.
This is a HUGE deal.
This is a deal BREAKER.
Deception.
Unless you have some kind of superpower that allows you to wave some wand and cry “Obliviate” then this is going to haunt your relationship through the end.
I would seriously consider making the end happen sooner than later and save on the wasted years when you could have built with someone you CAN trust.
And think about this.
His WHOLE damn family was in on the deception. And there wasn’t a single person there wiling to take you aside before the wedding and let you know.
This is a much more deeply infected disease than it initially seems.
Nta , his whole ass family has been lying to you for 4 fudging years .
I’m sorry that would be a Huge Nope from me . It seems like they are just fine and dandy lying to you . They broke your trust 4 years ago and every day sense .a
Get your affairs in order .
It’s not that he has a kid, it’s that he went to great lengths to hid him from you, to the point of involving his own family in the omission. None of them has a leg to stand in. The only reason you found out it’s because he’s mum had a momentary laps. How can you go and still trust him? It’s too big an omission! NTA
NTA. Liars and hiders will try to gaslight you. He has shown his true colors. Lying up to the point of you finding out was grounds for you to act. But the attempts to lie and then gaslight you after is horrific. I’m sorry this happened to you.
It’s the deception for me. And his family’s complicity. How could you ever love them? How could they ever love you? Is this the family into which you want to bring a child? How much do they value children? Is this the family you want? Will you ever be a part of it? Will you ever trust them? What else are they hiding?
NTA. Also, it’s not just his lies. The fact that his whole family knew and not one person was decent enough to tell you? Like for it not to come up, at all, in 2 years means they consciously decided as a group to lie to you. Bail and bail fast. They all hid a whole freaking kid. How could ANYONE think that would work long term? Eventually a teenager would show up at your door. So not only are they liars, they’re idiots. They were all ok with this. What else are they going to be ok with? Because on the list of things to lie about, keeping a whole child a secret is pretty high up there. So anything “less than” a kid will be easy peasy lemon squeezy for him to lie about AND convince his whole family to lie as well.
Based on his lies and the family’s reaction, it’s best to get out of this now.
NTA. He lied about having a kid. He isn’t taking any responsibility for the kid. His family is supporting his choices. You’re not going to get any support — mentally or financially — from them. Walk away now before it’s too late. Do not have kids with this man. Do not hook up with this man after you walk away. He’s not worth it.
Nta you want to be with a guy who would abandon his kid for his gf?
He can’t even say this is about him being a father bc if he sees this child so rarely that you didn’t even notice him being gone, he’s no father. He lied about having a child who he has basically abandoned. Your mother in law ain’t shit for defending him- I’d be first in line to breathe fire at my sons if they did something so heinous. This is less about accepting the child (sounds like that was the surprisingly easy part for you). It’s more about being unable to accept daily lies- and not just by him, his whole family was in on it! And the scheming and plotting it must have taken from him and all of them to keep this from you. He took away your chance to decide for yourself, and he lied to you every single day of your relationship. Deciding that’s a deal breaker is WELL within reason. NTA.
Nta and he’s told you everything you need to know as a husband and a father. He’s not showing up for his knee ds so why would he show up for yours. He’s not even sorry!!
NTA.
Did he say what his reasoning was for not telling you and why de doesn’t see his own child? Not that it helps, but just curious.
He’s not ashamed of being a deadbeat father, instead, he’s pissed that you won’t forgive him for this “little lie”. You just stepped on a grenade and there are red flags all over. RUN. And throw his whole family out for keeping that secret too.
NTA I had a boyfriend who didn’t tell me he had kid until we were four months into our relationship. I wish I had run for the hills. A man who can lie about being a father, can lie about anything. The fact that his family knew and hid it from you is awful too. Get out now, before you waste any more time on this toad.
I’m so sorry, OP. The long-term lie is huge, but also huge is the fact that he’s presumably a largely absentee father, allowing his poor kid to only get crumbs of his attention. His child should be a big enough part of his life that he couldn’t exist without the two of you meeting in FOUR years. And how was his whole family in on keeping this from you? Unfortunately, people who have empathy issues can be really skilled at hiding it. My take from afar is that he’s not a good man, and the version of himself you see isn’t real. Again, I’m so sorry. Get a good counselor who can help you grieve through this enormous blow. And, as others have said, I’d get a lawyer. NTA.
NTA
Time to speak with an attorney and figure out your next steps and how to protect yourself. If something happens to your husband the courts will most likely make him (the child) beneficiary. I’m not a lawyer and each state/county are different in this.
He lied about having a child so my question is, what about child support?
That poor kid.
Your gut is right, pack your stuff and run or pack his stuff and kick him to the curb, the latter is probably more favourable in a divorce considering mommy is happy to help her helpless little man child who doesn’t know how to be a husband let alone a dad. (Yikes)
If he was hiding a child what else is he hiding? Could there be more children? Could there be women on the side?
Probably get STD screening too just incase, undiagnosed chlamydia can make you infertile.
NTA. Your husband is a huge asshole, for like so many reasons
Get an attorney. Get a divorce. Get a new lease on life. The guy is pathological. End it. Be done.
What else is behind the curtain?
NTA
Poor kiddo.
NTA. Get up out of there. When a person’s first actions are to guilt you instead of grovel when they are dead wrong, there should be no leniency. There’s really no way back from this. The fact that his mom was in on it shows how little respect they both have for you. If I tried to hide a kid from my wife, my mom would go full Joseph Jackson on me.
If he can lie about a child that easily, what else can he lie about?
NTA
I would certainly not want to continue to build a life with someone capable of lying about the existence of a child and capable of disowning a child.
This is not a man to have children with.
You’re young enough to start again with someone more honest and caring.
Sorry this happened to you.
I’m sorry the same if he doesn’t care about this kid he is going to be a crappy dad to others. What about the grandparents…how awful. He is a liar and will lie for your whole relationship. This would be it for me. I’m sorry for you.
NTA it’s not just that he lied to you, he convinced everyone else in his family to also lie to you like it was no big deal. Did he seriously think he could keep it a secret forever?
It’s betrayal from all fronts and it would destroy my trust in everyone. They are gaslighting you trying to say it’s the child you have issue with, but it’s just the blatant lies.
Personally I’d be done, there’s no way I would be able to trust a word he said after this.
Nta I would really think about if I want to stay w him. Who in their right mind lies about having a child, not only that the family too smh. Then him saying the child isn’t a big deal is wrong it’s a whole child, idk I just couldn’t look past that. Cause who knows what else he lies about
Someone who can easily lie for that long is not someone I would wnat to be married to. Especially not being in the kids life. And next time mil starts on you, let her know she, and anyone else who knew, and did not say anything or force him to tell you are just as bad. I would have a very hard time getting past the lying from all who knew. I it sounds like they aren’t even taking responsibility and just throwing it back around on you like you are the problem.
If you have a child with him, his family will hid it from his next wife. NTA and lawyer. Stat.
If he can forget his child, his mindset has the ability to forget you. Is that a foundation to build a marriage on? Can you ever trust someone that pretended their child doesn’t exist?
He has been lying to you every day for years, living a fake persona with a secret life every day for years. Lied to cover his ass at every opportunity for years. The family has been lying to you to keep a secret for years. With a little bit of gas lighting mixed in.
You’ve learned you can’t trust any of them. You can’t spend the rest of your life wondering if/when your spouse and in-laws are lying and hiding things from you. You’re too young to spend the next 50 years tied up in all this bullshit
Not only is he a liar but also a deadbeat because there’s no way you’re spending an adequate amount of time with a child that your WIFE of TWO YEARS had no clue about.
NOT ONLY THAT BUT HIS WHOLE FAMILY FULL OF LIARS LIKE WTF! They made you the butt of the joke. Leave. I can’t believe the entire family kept such a huge secret 🤯 No one was on your side. No one at all.
This is a HUGE lie. A life altering lie. How could you ever trust him again? What else is he lying about or going to lie about. AND HE CANT EVEN SEE HOW DEVASTATING THAT LIE IS? He should be begging you to forgive him and not leave.
This is bad. I don’t think I could come back from this. Not that there is a child, that he lied to you for years. and his family knew! You were the dummy sitting there when they all knew. Also he sounds like a horrible father. Red flag
If he would have come forward ahead of the wedding you would have stayed but it’s too late to ever know. Don’t let people guilt you into staying when there is no trust.
His whole family lied to you!!! Not just him. That poor child is being hidden away, why?! Why would they all decide to lie? I could never trust those creepy liars. RUN!!!
OP I’m so sorry. At 28 you are young enough to start over and it’s important you do. He gaslight you when first confronted “for fear of losing you”. Give me a break. Please be safe. Get an attorney
He already has a kid he’s neglecting. Don’t breed with him
NTA….It’s not just that he lied. It’s that his whole family lied to your face and would have continued to do so if his mom hadn’t slipped up. That’s some Freudian slip!
The bigger question that you need to ask yourself is, could you ever trust anything he ever tells you moving forward?
What kind of man speaks about his child that way…
What kind of father speaks about his child that way…
What happens when you have children?
Do they get to meet their “irrelevant” half sibling?
Would he do the same to your children?
If you stay and accept that this is okay then you would be no better than he is!
Respect yourself better than him and his family ever has, and move on with your life away from all of them.
Get out when you can and won’t suffer financially. Skip ahead 5 years, you have a kid, it’s rocky now in the marriage and now you find out he has another kid he abandoned. Not a crystal ball reader but that’s what he did previously. You’re NTA
What kind of parent doesn’t see their kids all that much? & Doesn’t he pay child support? If he lost his job & you took over all of the bills until he got back on his feet how would he explain his child support? Or is he a scumbag dead beat dad who doesn’t take care of his kid? What else is he keeping secrets about?
His whole family kept quiet about it. From what you said everyone got quiet. I wouldn’t think I could ever trust him or his family.
This would make me feel like I was on the outside looking in at my own life. The basis of your life has been shaken. Forget him and the kiddo for a second. This is about you now and how you want to live. Everyone here made choices and those choices excluded you. Now that you know- they are gaslighting you for a deception they perpetrated over many years. You can’t unring this bell. Take some time. Maybe get some professional help to process and make a decision that serves the future you want to have.
This isn’t some “small” white lie “oops honey I said I loved your chicken dish, but honestly I hate it” no no no. This is a massive nuclear bomb type of lie. And then you have his whole family lying along with him!! Who does that?
He’s not a good father, he’s not a good family man and definitely not a good husband. I’m sorry, this is grounds for annulment. Do you really want him to be the father of your children? Do you want his family involved in those children’s lives? ANNULMENT!
I married a man with twins. But one of the things I love about him was watching him interact with them (they shared custody)
The lying is THE primary issue here (side note: does his whole family know? They were all just fine with keeping it from you?)
A secondary issue: “I don’t even see him that much”
A – that makes him a bad father.
B – if he has seen him at all while you have been married, he had to be lying to you about where you were going.
C – do you have joint finances? Is he paying child support?
If he left baby mama (ex girlfriend? Ex wife? One night stand?) high and dry with a kid, would he do it to you? (Maybe, maybe not)
Uh kid is 4, you have been married 2 years – how long were you dating???
Not everything deserves to be fixed. That’s a big lie, and he could be already hidding or hide in the future anything from you. And with his family help. That’s terrifing.
And, on top of that, the way he treats his own son is disgusting. I wouldn’t want to share a life with something like him. You deserve better.
Tell his mom to stfu and quit enabling her son on being a deadbeat dad.. and you, you need to figure out if this is the man you’re wanting to have kids with. What kind of father hides the fact that he has a whole freaking kid from the woman he supposedly is going to spend the rest of his life with?!?
OP you’re not being dramatic. This is a huge bombshell to have dropped on you. NTA. You’re young, you sound like you got a good head on your shoulders, if he can lie to you about having a child (which is completely life changing), what else can he lie about? Or worse, what else HAS he lied about? Save yourself while you can OP.
NTA. Not only has he been lying to you for years, so has his family. He’s a father who has abandoned his child and doesn’t care. He’s a husband who lies to his wife. And he’d have continued to lie to you if his mother hadn’t slipped up.
You’re not stuck, not in the least. This lie would impact your future and the future of your family and any children you would have with him. Imagine if you have a child with him and something happens and he dies. This other child would have a legitimate claim on a portion of the estate that would otherwise go to your child(ren). If you have a child with this man and something happens to your marriage, he’s already shown that he’s capable of abandoning his child, so you can’t count on any future support from him.
There’s zero chance I could move past this, and you would be entirely justified in packing up and leaving.
How can you trust anyone in this family? Do you think if the tables were turned and you suddenly revealed a child you had, that anyone, including your husband, would take you side and just accept it? And your husband’s a deadbeat dad. Do not give him more children to walk away from.
He has virtually abandoned a child. Does he pay child support? Not the kind of man you want to father your future children. If he had been honest UP FRONT AND if he pays child support that would be different. DIVORCE.
NTA, is this what he’s going to do when you and him have kids? Ghost you and your child then find someone else? Tell his mom you’re not about be “erasing” her granbaby, cause you’re erasing yourself out of this relationship.
NTA. If he lied about a child what else could he, and probably has, lied about.
His whole family is horrible, they all kept his secret, do you really want to spend the rest of your life with people like that? Do you really want a child with a man like that and be tied to them for the next 18 years?
His entire family is toxic af if they helped keep this secret for so long. Would this count as grounds for an annulment? Or has it been to long? Idk how all that works, but o would look into it if I were you!
Take it one step further. He’s made you liable and financially responsible for upkeep on a child you were not made aware of. This is essentially fraud, marital and financial deception that will lead you to financially support something you didn’t agree to because you were never made aware of. It’s the same as if he hid debt or a criminal past.
What else is he lying about? One kid? Could it possibly be 2 kids? An entire other family? Does he pay child support? He abandoned his kid!
You’re NTA for not accepting his lies. If you’re going to stay in this relationship you have to decide how much contact you want with the kid and beyond that you two need therapy – together and separate.
If he can dip out on one kid (and who knows what other lies he’s telling) it won’t be that hard on him to bail on another kid – and don’t dismiss the fact that his ENTIRE family knew about his kid and they ALL lied to you. Repeatedly. Not one of them gives a shit about you.
Oh, honey, you are so NTA! Your husband LIED, betrayed you continuously, even made vows to honor you!
He has to be paying child support which takes from your marriage! And HIS WHOLE FAMILY WAS IN ON THE DECEPTION!
LEAVE! You don’t deserve this… whatever THIS is!
A deadbeat dad and proud of it, hell to the no. I wouldn’t even go on a date if a guy said they had a child they saw once every 2 weeks. Why would I wanna date some asshole who abandons his child. Only 50% or 100% custody is acceptable/dateable. If he’s doing less, he’s a shit father, no thanks.
So, on top of a deadbeat he is also a huge liar. How sad and pathetic must one be if he feels that he has to project a persona for someone to love him. He is the one who literally erased his child. Leave this deadbeat liar, you can never trust him again. Leave before you have kids, ruunnn
NTA. Your husband is an awful person, how much contact does he have with his son?
Does he pay child support and how would he hide that when you are both working our finance?
I would not have a child with this lying fool. RUN!!
So he is a liar and a deadbeat? Leave this man please, you are young you can build again if him and his family was able to lie like this I fear for your future.
My ex was a liar.
The thing is. It’s not just one thing. What else is there?
Probably more. There is always more. Mine hid a whole house. 🙃 and other things. But there’s always more.
Counseling. Both of you. Stat.
The issue I would be most concerned with is he told his mom, who is now attacking you. It’s called triangulating, and it’s really toxic.
And yeah, this is huge. Has he been paying for the kid? Seeing the kid behind your back? Blaming you for why he can’t visit more? This is a lot, and if you can get out cleanly, it sounds like now is the time. Be sure to put “lying” as the reason for the divorce.
The day before the wedding my dad spoke to my mom. He said it was serious. My mom stopped breathing because he said he had to clear up something and didn’t want to start a marriage on a lie. My mom was freaking out, and thought about 100 things. My dad told her he lied about his age he was younger than my mom by 2 years, he said he was the same age as her because she wouldn’t date anyone younger than her. My mom laughed and said that didn’t bother her and told him she thought he was going to confess about being married before and this being a 2nd marriage to him. My dad wanted a clean start. Hiding a love child from the past is crazy and I don’t blame you for being unsettled on how easy he kept this from you. I’m sorry but that’s insane on his part. Take time for yourself to clear your mind. Don’t let his family try to influence your decision. Good luck dear 🍀
This relationship is no good for you. You need to jump ship. If he’s willing to deny his own kid, how will it be when he has one with you?
My “ex” has hid my child from his entire family for the last 7 years. I warn everyone he dates.
The degree this information speaks to his character in a bad cannot be understated.
Im normally the type to suggest therapy or communication when problems pop up, even the type of problems that sent people to Reddit. But this? I dont see your relationship reaching a healthy place after this.
Nope you’re not hun period. Sorry your going through this but if he lied about this he’s definitely gonna lie again
Hes a deadbeat dad and a liar. I couldn’t deal
Personally I wouldn’t want to be with a man who doesn’t see his child. That’s a red flag for me.
I wouldn’t be married to a deadbeat anyways
his mom is as big a liar as he is, and the whole family seems to have been in on this MAJOR deception. I am praying this is a fake post (and wondering why people invent fake posts) but on the slim chance it’s real: GET OUT OF THAT MARRIAGE AND AWAY FROM THAT FAMILY.
NTA. What else is he hiding if he hid a whole ass kid?
How are you married and he has a 4 year old? Why was the wedding rushed? This seems really weird and suspicious to me as well.
You’re NTA. One time I was getting to know a guy, talking all day for like a couple of weeks and he NEVER mentioned having a kid and then all of a sudden he just dropped it on me and I was really upset. It’s such a HUGE thing to keep secret… and why would you keep it secret? I had 2 kids, it’s not like he didn’t know about that so keeping it from me just seemed silly and I quit talking to him bc honestly, anyone who’s gonna hide their child while getting to know someone isn’t someone I was interested in dating. So to find out after a whole MARRIAGE??? I’d be absolutely gobsmacked.
This isn’t a small “run of the mill” lie that already would be unacceptable. This is a monstrous, humongous lie, that he kept up for many years. Him and his family lied to your face for years. No coming bck from this. You can never and should never trust him again
I agree with most, don’t see a solution other than getting out of this marriage. Annulment for fraud sounds great if it’s really possible.
The marriage wouldn’t end because of his son, but because he misrepresented his character. He lied to you about his past and his family. He is a father who is fine with having little contact with a child. Who knows what’s going to with child support? Would you have married him knowing what kind of father he is? Is this weren’t enough, the fact he’s whole family conspired in the lie makes them all untrustworthy. NTA
NTA. Doesn’t see his kid much (red flag 1- what kinda dad do you want if you have kids). Lying ALOT (red flag 2), trying to switch up the story, kinda gaslighting you, and getting others involved to guilt you into accepting his lie (red flag 3)-and on top of that the family you’re now into is OK with all this so (red flag 4).
Make whatever choice you feel is best for YOU, cause you’re not crazy for being upset or needing to leave.
His whole family hid this, not just him. Obviously his mum sees the child, and your husband is the one who erased the knowledge of his child from you. Personally I don’t think his mum let this slip, I feel it was very intentional, now you know and she can have the child when your around.
NTA – That it “wasn’t relevant.” That “he doesn’t even see the kid much anyway.”
I wouldn’t want to risk him being my father with quotes like that.
Who’s to say he’s going to stick around?
Pack and go, he hide this you don’t know what he will do in the future…. Leave now that you don’t have children involved. Run fast and furious.
OP, that’s beyond omitting something, that’s deceiving plain and simple.
There are many issues here: He is a liar, His family members are liars, He lacks integrity, He is not even a good father.
And if he is not a good father to his child what makes you believe he will be a good father to your child. Besides his mother is just nuts.
Just end it before you waste more time. He is not the person you thought he was. You’re married to a stranger
NTA – Throw the whole husband out…
If he can walk away from one kid and not see it often enough you even know it exists? He could walk away from you at any time and feel just as little about it.
NTA. He’s a liar and a bad father. Does he pay child support? I wouldn’t want to have any children with him.
What else has he lied about? What will he withhold in the future? And all his family knew he was lying. That means the entire family was lying to you.
NTA
Not only is he a liar but he is a deadbeat dad. And I have ZERO respect for deadbeat parents. If anything it would be a huge risk to have children with him since has literally proven he will walk away from his children.
RUN
NTA. Tell his mommy dearest that if she truly in her heart of hearts sees nothing wrong with him, with all of them (because there’s a reason none of his family mentioned this before either) lying and keeping secrets for years, then she is welcome to have her precious baby back, because you have more self-respect than to stay married to a man who has proven you can’t trust him, and married into a family who have proven they will lie to you every day to cover for his sins.
Honey, don’t walk away.
RUN!
You know why
YOU are not trying to erase any child.
HE erased his own child from the life he has with you.
You can’t trust him to tell you important things.
NTA
AND he’s a shitty father.
UpdateMe
It is absolutely that big of a deal. The whole family knew and hid it, for that long? Nope, that whole family would kill you and they could hide it. Nope
What else is he lying about? What else is he going to lie about and have his family cover for him? You just learned you’re surrounded by people who will lie to your face about something that important, how do you ever trust anyone in that family again? NTA
Your husband is a massive A hole and gaslighter.
What an awful human being, id seriously consider if its worth being with that man.
I could forgive most things, but this massive lie would be a dealbreaker for me
NTA you have been married for two fucking years! You shouldn’t have heard it from your mom. And he doesnt see this kid? Girl, you gotta ask yourself how he is going to treat your future children.
He’s a trash of a man and father
I dodged a bullet with a now ex bf. After dating for a year, he told me he had a son he hadn’t seen in 5 years. I asked him why he never sees him, and he made some lame excuse about the mom keeping him from him. When I asked why he didn’t go to court for visitation, he said he didn’t really care about it. I broke it off with him that day. I told him I had seen a future with him, but knowing he wouldn’t fight for his child was a deal breaker. You got married under false pretenses, and now he and his mom are guilting you? You would be in the right to run.
NTA. This is not some small omission, he deliberately withheld something incredibly relevant to you spending the rest of your life with him.
His treatment of you is bad enough, but his horrid attitude towards his own child is even worse.
NTA. Obviously
NTA but you married into a family of AHs.
There is no way you will be able to trust this man, or his family, about anything, ever. The dinner table incident proves everyone there knew except you.
How can you build a life with someone you cannot trust? You will always be questioning, “Is this everything? What next? What else isn’t he telling me?” Even if there isn’t anything else, even if he’s now coming clean on everything…how can you be certain?
His weak dismissive attitude towards his child proves what a poor father he is, so you definitely don’t want to have children with him (if that was ever an option). Even if you two had planned to remain child free, this man treating his son like he’s a stray cat from the neighborhood that your husband sometimes feeds is reprehensible!
You cannot build a meaningful life with someone utterly devoid of character.
I’m sorry this happened, but now that you know, please don’t turn a blind eye. Please consult a lawyer and follow their advice for divorce.
Good luck, OP!
NTA my main thought is that if someone I love can lie by omission for years then what else could they hide? First its a kid but then what else is there? In addition to that, a person who can be a non existent parent is a deal breaker for me because how can you just leave your kid and go make a new family? IDK
Yikes not only is he a liar but his mom too and who knows who else in the family kept that from you. Your marriage is built on lies and he’s showing you how easy it is for him to abandon a child. NTA and seriously get your exit plan together.
GET OUT NOW. Liars will always lie. You deserve better. Good luck!
DIVORCE
His family helped him lie???????
RUN RUN RUN RUN
First off him lying about the kid is inexcusable that’s a huge breach of trust. However, everyone jumping down his throat saying he said “the kid wasn’t relevant” is wrong. OP stated the husband said “it wasn’t relevant” meaning him having a child wasn’t relevant. I’m going to have to play the devil’s advocate here. We don’t know the husband’s history with this child. For all we know he hasn’t been allowed to be a part of his child’s life, or have any connection to the child at all. Everyone jumping in and saying he is a dead beat and he will just abandon his kids with you are just creating their own fantasy, while it is possible he chose to just walk away from this child it is also completely possible he has been denied opportunity to have a relationship with his child. The pain that can bring is immense and it could just be better to lock that part of himself away. It shows a lack of character and intelligence to jump to conclusions without all the information. I suggest you sit down and talk with your husband and listen to his story. Find out what happened, why he doesn’t see his child and why he hid it. Don’t attack him approach the conversation with an open mind. If it was serious enough for him to lie then there is obviously a huge reason why he never discussed it, most likely a painful one. Just saying marriage is about supporting each other in the good times and the bad times. This may be a bad time but if you aren’t willing to even sit down and have an open dialogue to discuss the situation then marriage isn’t for either of you.
Divorce this man before you’re tied to a man who won’t admit he has a child (with you). This man will lie about ANYTHING, and his mom and the rest of his family will apparently cover for him.
Exactly when we’re they all planning to tell you this? Did they seriously think they could all keep this a secret for life?
Annulment time!