My girlfriend (35F) has been divorced for 4 years but remains very friendly with her ex-husband because they co-parent two kids. I (38M) respect that, I think it’s admirable when exes get along for the sake of their kids.
But here’s the thing: she brings him food. A lot. Like, she’ll batch cook chili or stew and always portion out servings for him. She bakes cookies for him “because he had a hard week.” Once, she brought him soup because he was sick and stayed to heat it up for him.
I brought this up gently, and she got defensive. Said it was “just being a decent human being” and that he’s the father of her kids. I said I get that but she doesn’t even cook for me that way. She said, “He doesn’t have anyone to do this stuff for him. I’m not going to let him starve.”
That made me uncomfortable. I told her if she’s still emotionally tied to him, she needs to reevaluate what kind of relationship we’re building.
Now she’s cold toward me and says I’m insecure and controlling.
AITAH for asking her to stop feeding her ex like she’s still his wife?
Comments
Nah dude, you’re not crazy for feeling weird about it. Co-parenting is one thing, playing personal chef for the ex is another. If he’s hungry, he can DoorDash like the rest of us.
NTA – I’ll give her the soup, that’s nice.. Everything beyond is weird
My bet is if you guys split she’d go back to him. Sorry man. GL
So, I’m guessing he left her? She doesn’t sound over him, so I’d be careful, this sounds like a situation where she’ll end up in his bed again.
“Babe, you don’t even cook for me like that”
“Well, my ex has no one so I’m doing it for him (rather than for you)”
NTA but she’s still clearly emotionally attached and enmeshed with her ex. She’s not going to stop, you can’t make her, so now the ball is in your court. Accept that this is what she’s going to continue to do or break up with her. Personally, I’d exit.
NTA. It’s one thing to be polite, but another to go over the line. Maybe she dosent get boundaries? Talk to her about it in a more serious tone. What matters to you matters to her. You got this!
Is your girlfriend providing food for the children as well, or just for him? It could be that this is just part of their co-parenting arrangement. If he’s not good at cooking your girlfriend might really be providing meals and snacks for the kids, knowing that he will eat some of it. Of course he should have learned to cook if he’s co-parenting, but as a mother your girlfriend is not going to leave her children to bear the consequences of his ineptitude, particularly when it’s something as important as nutrition. It’s easy for people to say, “Just let him buy McDonalds or give the kids baked beans every night”, but if he has the children 50% of the time, she’s not going to let that happen. As a mother, neither would I.
I don’t think it’s necessarily true that your girlfriend is still emotionally tied to her ex. This man is co-parenting her children. The children need him to be able to parent even when he is unwell. If he’s too sick to parent the kids, they end up back at your place during his allotted time. Hence, she makes soup when he’s unwell so that he remains able to parent the children.
This is not a hill I’d be dying on. I think your girlfriend is actually doing all this for the kids and to ensure that he is able to co-parent. I’d look at it this way: do you want the kids all the time or do you want to be able to have regular child free time with your girlfriend?
Wait till her ex husband starts dating. She is going to be like “his girlfriend doesn’t make the soup correctly or know his taste so I am taking an entire tank of soup and will stay there till he finishes every drop because I don’t trust his girlfriend.”
NTA but I would be leaving her. You will always come last.
no normal person would be fine with that behavior, you are definitely NTA. she should be spending that energy on you. it’s basically emotionally cheating since she doesn’t cook for you like that.
if she stopped he wouldn’t starve…
NTA. She’s not over him.
You didn’t mention this but what is their child custody arrangement like? Is she basically sending her children to his house with pre-cooked meals that he also gets to eat? If it’s really all that you say and she’s cooking for him when he doesn’t have their kids, then I’d be concerned in your shoes, yeah. But if her motivation involves nutrition for her children then I’d really reconsider how you talk to her about it, or ask if she can only send food for her kids and not for him.
She loves that man.
Uhm I have a feeling that, if u break up w her, she’ll treat u right, because WHAT THE FUCK ???
NTA.
NTA for being bothered by this behavior. Does he have the kids when she is bringing meals? If so, maybe she’s just trying to make sure her kids are properly fed. If not, stop being a placeholder for someone who is in love with someone else.
Not the AH.
She doesn’t even cook like this for you?
No. Move on. Unless you want to be involved with them for the rest of your life. The fact that she’s so defensive about this is a sign, as well. She c wasn’t even talk about it like a mature adult. She’s defending her marriage from you- and she’s divorced.
He either left her, or she left him and feels guilty about it, regrets it. Either way, she’s still involved.
I was leaning towards YTA until you said she doesn’t even cook for you that way. It’s weird to cook more/better for your ex-husband than your current partner.
Don’t let her gaslight you by downplaying your feelings on this and calling you insecure and controlling.
Might be time for a more serious talk.
NTA. She’s gone too far. What was the point in divorce if she’s still doing wife stuff for him
NAH
Welllllll eh maybe GF dipped into AH territory when she said you were insecure and controlling. That would depend on what you said to her (and how you said it.) But I think it’s normal for you to be uncomfortable with this and want to dig deeper on it.
Anyway, when kids are involved, it’s sort of the “Holy Grail” for two divorced people to maintain a deep and loving bond, even though marriage can’t work for them. It’s great for the two exes and wonderful for the kiddos. The problem is that it is hard, confusing, and suspicious (as in, “is that marriage really done?”) to future partners.
It’s a tall, tall order for you to be secure with this dynamic. Just because something is fantastic for the kids and parents, doesn’t mean it’s fantastic for YOUR relationship. GF might have to find herself another divorced unicorn. You might be better off with someone else, too. A lot depends on how long you two have been together and how great everything else is. If you normally have good communication, maybe negotiate some boundaries you can both live with?
That is honestly too involved for being an ex-husband. There is being friendly and helping out when he’s really sick. I get that part, I’d do that for friends too. But cooking for him? Is she his mom? He’s a grown adult, he can make his own damn food.
NTA.
NTA
One of the many wild things to me was how she claimed she does this because he doesn’t have anyone to cook for him… forgetting he’s a grown ass adult. He doesn’t have to be a good cook, but he can feed himself somehow. And she doesn’t even cook like that for you, the guy she’s supposed to be with?
She’s still got it bad for him over him being her baby daddy
Bring home a sandwich from your “ex”. Say it is because you have no one to do it for you.
Remember popcorn.
You know, my ex did that for me every now and then. I felt bad cuz I kept thinking what is her husband going to think. She slowly pulled back and guess what? I’m fine, I can cook for myself.
Her ex will be fine if she stops making him food and baking him cookies.
This might be a hot take but I wouldn’t date anyone with children. I say this just because you can’t press the eject button on sharing a child with someone. I also feel like 100% of the time at some point one of the parents is going to regret the breakup and want their family back. If I had kids with my partner and then we broke up, I wouldn’t even bother with dating until my kids were grown. NTA your gf still loves him. I would also like to say I don’t cook for anyone I don’t love personally, so def NTA
Obviously the only way to get her to treat you well is to dump her yourself. NTA, she’s playing the long game to get back with him and you’re stuck in the middle.
NTA. It would be one thing if she made a meal or three to send with the kids when he has them, but to cook specifically for him because he’s ‘had a hard week’ that’s not normal and not appropriate. He’s a grown man, he can cook for himself.
Sounds like she is still into her ex. Set her free
Depends who are the kids with most of the time? If kids are with him them less of an issue. I assume not, then yeah, weird
Lol bruh leave
NTA
If you break up, I hope she will cook for you too!
> she doesn’t even cook for me that way
That tells you everything you need to know about where you stand in her estimation.
NTAH but I don’t think this relationship is too healthy for you. Sorry bro,
> I said I get that but she doesn’t even cook for me that way. She said, “He doesn’t have anyone to do this stuff for him.”
Technically, neither do you, if she only cooks for him and not for you. NTA.
Good coparenting is one thing, but this kind of personal service is quite another. You’re not unreasonable for being uncomfortable about it.
NTA she’s doing too much. She’s still his wife. She just lives with you. This is way beyond co-parenting.
Let me guess, he’s the reason they aren’t together anymore? Because that’s the only reason she stringing you along, he won’t be with her. Doesn’t mean they aren’t still having sex of course. YTA if you don’t leave her.
No doubt he is still getting a side of pie
NTA. She’s still emotionally still married to him. Ridiculous. I think she’s keeping tabs on him, and the meals are an excuse.
AI generated post for karma farming.
YTA
Nope, NTA.
It’s really important for exes to have good boundaries to be able to co-parent well while still having space in their lives for new partners.
This is weird and kinda enmeshed. It doesn’t benefit the children in any way for her to do this over the top stuff for him. It’s a hangover from their relationship and she’s doing it because she wants to, she enjoys it for some reason.
If she wants to have a new relationship she needs to figure out how to let the old one go. Constantly having her exes needs and wants in mind is not letting anything go.
Years before my ex and I separated for good, we had separated for a few months. During that time, be cooked for me and the kids, he had tires put on my car, all ‘because of the kids’ , no he wanted me back and we did end up back together. He was putting in the work to fix the relationship, to show me he could and would take care of us.
Perhaps it’s time for you to step back and take a look at the relationship you have, not the relationship you want. She’s still nurturing a relationship with her ex and using her kids as an excuse to do it.
I’m not trying to be harsh, but it sounds like she wants you to take care of her needs (could be many things, emotionally, or she doesn’t want to be alone, whatever) while she works towards reconciliation with the ex.
does she still have sex with him because no one else does?
Nta
You don’t get the girl without all of their people and the dynamics of those relationships.
If you stay with her, you volunteer to have a gf who cooks fire her bf.
“He doesn’t have anyone to do this stuff for him. I’m not going to let him starve.”
—He has amedical condition where he can only consume food someone else cooks for him?
My ex used to ask me if I wouldn’t mind making an additional big lasagne for him too whenever I was making one. Why? Because he and our kids love lasagne. He’s also shit at making them. He also paid me for the ingredients each time which covered both the one for my house and his. We are friendly and that’s it.
Your gf is still looking after him as if they were still married. There’s a difference between being a good person and acting like a spouse.
End it.
Updateme please after you dump her!
You’ll always be number 3. (Kids,ex and then you) (if you’re ok with that, enjoy your life!) But if you’re not, now’s the time to leave. You need to find a partner that puts you ahead of an ex husband. Her excuses for doing what she’s doing are bullshit, what adult would go hungry if she didn’t feed him? Obviously him… I would tell her, enjoy being single, because no men is going to put up with that type of disrespect. You deserve more in a partner, than she could ever give you. NTA
Nope nta it’s definitely at least an emotional affair. Stand your ground, dump her immediately and move on, good luck op. UpdateMe!
People on this subreddit are so insecure. Do you love each other? Is everything else good? Cool. Why do you care if she cooks for her ex/her kids when they’re with him? Maybe I’m just middle-aged and complacent, but I would not care if someone that loves cooking made a batch and shared some, even if it was with her ex. I’m not in a relationship right now and I share the produce I buy and what I make, so it doesn’t go bad. Even in a relationship, I share. If I had kids I’d prob share with my coparent.
Is this A.I. a reliable narrator about her “not cooking like that” for him? So they presumably live together, she cooks a lasagne, and feeds him canned beans? Come on.
And she doesn’t cook like that for OP? Wow wonder what else she doesn’t do for him but does for the ex?
NTA- she’s not letting his starve, he’s a grown man and can learn to cook
I’m assuming she wanted the divorce too. Which makes zero sense. Tell your woman to stop it. Better yet, I know it’s only Tuesday but I’ve already had a long week, see if she could send me summa dat chili.
Update us when you dump her.
NTA. Cut your losses now and walk away. The ex will otherwise forever be a thorn in your side , a source of argument t between you and unless you can accept a third person in your relationship, will be the end of your relationship after a long, drawn out and painful period of time. Go now before you’re in too deep.
NTA… guy.. move on
YTA. I paid some of my exes rent for a year after she got divorced from her now ex. Because we were friends, and she needed the help to get out of a bad situation. This is what you do when your friends need you and you have the ability to help. Don’t be insecure. Isn’t one of the reasons you fell for her is because she is a giving person.
NTA. T.O.D. on this relationship was when she called you controlling and insecure instead of trying to see things from your perspective. Send her back to her ex, since it seems like she still wants to be with him.
So it sounds like your (ex) girlfriend isn’t ready to give up on her former relationship. Unless you’re willing to play second fiddle, it’s time to say goodbye. NTA
I hope you guys do not live together.
NTA, but you’re just the convenient person for her at the moment. You can be friendly during co parenting but she’s overly friendly … which is not going to end well for you … but she’s just a gf so , if she’s not willing to stop being overly friendly , I suggest you cut your loses before she cheats on you if she hasn’t already
I think you are insecure and controlling…
She IS being a decent human being.
Being nice to one person (her ex) does not mean they kept the same relationship and doesn’t prevent her from being nice to anyone else (her bf). It’s like when you have several kids and you have room in your heart for everyone. It does not mean she has romantic feelings for him. She’s 35, she has a past, and she is not crossing any boundaries here. The
What you are describing is more like “being a mother or a good friend” than anything else…
Time for a deep chat .
But seriously if she cannot back off or not get why it is concerning to you, walk away . Unless she see’s what she is doing is harmful to your relationship it will never stop and there will always be her , him and you …
I send home meals for my ex-husband when I cook on holidays, and I will not stop doing it. Our kids are adults, and one lives with him. I send home food every time. Ex is welcome to actually come for dinner, but he rarely leaves the house. My current husband has no problem with it.
Kindness is never wrong
Sometimes the aigns are there that she hasn’t emotionally moved on. It starts with old habits, like taking care of him because he doesn’t cook well….
Try talking with her a 2nd time about it and ask her to look at it as if her friend was doing it… if she’s still all defensive, it’s time to move on.
This goes way beyond co-parenting and I’d be interested in hearing the details of the divorce. NTA unless you stick around because this isn’t normal.
Question. Is she sending food when he has the kids, or at any time, including when she has the kids. If it’s when he has the kids, they’re probably the intended targets of the food, and he’s the side beneficiary. If it’s when they’re not there…
This guy has weaponized incompetence so effectively she’s still mothering him 4 years after the divorce. That’s really taking pathetic to professional levels. In fact, I would tell her just that. Even if, somehow, grubhub isn’t in your area, he can order takeout, or, you know, learn how to cook.
Depending on how that conversation goes, I would rethink the relationship. If you cohabitation and share experiences, you’re paying to feed the looser.
You don’t really have a relationship. She just lives at your house. She loves her Ex and he takes advantage of that. Let this one go, she’s not really with you.
She never got over him and will not be ready for another relationship until she does. Time to leave.
Fuck that. She cooks for him and not you? Nope fuck her, move on.
OP, you’re her place holder. Move on.
No, NTA. It would be one thing if she did that for you and everyone else. But she just does that only for him?
I would just end the relationship, and move on. If you guys were not serious then I would not have cared, but not have gotten into an exclusive relationship with her. She is still dealing with the divorce, has strong feelings for the ex husband, and it’s not your job to deal with it.
I would get it if she sent over meals when the kids were staying him or death in his family, but not just bring him food because his day was rough.
Our husband, comrade
NTA. She’s they/thems’ wife
NTA
Because she isn’t giving you the same energy.
I wouldn’t put too much weight on people saying she isn’t over him though. I bring my ex food from time to time and we’re barely even friendly and I would never consider taking him back (I left him). But seeing someone you once cared about going through a hard time can be difficult and I think it’s a very human reaction to want to help someone that you perceive to be in need. That being said I would never do something for my ex that I wouldn’t do 100x over for my partner.
That’s not to say those people are wrong, but I wouldn’t treat it as an absolute. Only you have all the info to decide if you believe whether she is/isn’t over her ex.
Either way, I couldn’t be with someone who put more energy into making sure their ex was happy over me. I think you need to have that difficult discussion.
Relationship: cooked.
NTA – it’s weird. Friendly and amicable after divorce is one thing – cooking for him regularly is something else. She still feels very responsible for his day to day well-being, like a devoted wife – sorry.
> she doesn’t even cook for me that way
Who ate the rest of the batch cooked chili? Do you cook and eat together regularly?
Or do you door dash? Or eat cereal at night? And are alone every evening while she serves dinner to her ex? Cos if you’re NOT, You’re blowing it out of proportion.
She said you were insecure and controlling. I’d have to agree. I think you’ve blown this out of proportion and are jealous.
NTA. Find someone who isn’t hung up on their ex.
Wait, she dotes on her ex-husband, and cooks for him, and is concerned about his well-being and feelings, but she treats YOU, who are purported to be her present-day boyfriend, coldly and calls you insecure and controlling? I’m not going to even indulge my curiosity by allowing myself to speculate on why they ever broke up. But you need to get out fast.
I think it would be ok if she is providing food while her, not that she has to but I get it. As a mother, if you make something good you want your kids to have it if they are not with you. But specifically for him, if the kids aren’t there I don’t get it. It would be one thing if the dude had a terminal illness and she is doing a meal train or something nice but not like make special cookies bc he had a hard weeks that is odd. Why are they even divorced if she is so attached? Maybe she needs to remember that part
He doesn’t have anyone to cook for him……because he is single. He doesn’t have anyone to sleep with either……
NTA. She’s not even doing it for you?? He’s a grown adult. If he can’t even feed for himself and heat up his own food, does he have any business having custody of those kids??
It’s time to dump her.
She cooks for him and not you? Yeah, that would bug me. I’d probably pay attention to other interactions…because it doesn’t sound like she over him.
You’re in a poly relationship, my friend
She still loves him bro
From baking cookies to giving blowjobs is a small bridge to cross
“You don’t even cook for me that way.”
“He has no one to do it for him.”
“Well shit neither do I because you don’t do it for me.”
Also, he DID have someone to do it for her. It was her. Somehow things didn’t work out, but she’s playing pretend. She’s not over him dude. Move on.
NTA, the reality is on some level she still loves her ex husband. The two of you are not building a relationship. You will always be second to her ex. Time to leave because she is not ready for a new relationship yet.
You are just the atm bed warmer … sorry
This can happen when you get with older ladies, they often have more luggage.
She had 2 kids with the man and took care of him many years, so it is not unreasonable to still care for the person,
Cooking food for her old husband, I can understand that but then not making food for you that day, that I do not get.
Why did she not make a bigger portion and split it, so you both could eat?
She still loves him. So sorry brother, but that is the reality.
Sounds like making food is how she shows care. He is the father of her children. If you are so insecure leave her alone.
She shouldn’t be cooking or cleaning for you. You are just a boyfriend. You haven’t earned it.
You knew what you were signing up for.
He doesn’t have anyone to do it for him? Who do you have to do it for you? Either yourself (just like he does) or her, your GF who’s not doing it for you but will for him.
Tou do know shes with hin still right. There is a difference between being good with ex for your kids and going out of you way like this.
Nta but youre the 3rd wheel.
You’re the rebound, she doesn’t really want to be with you.She wants her ex husband. She hasn’t fully admitted it to herself yet. The ex-husband probably doesn’t want anything to do with her. He just wants free food but he doesn’t want to be with her, he just wants the special treatment. She needs counseling, massive amount of counseling. You, on the other hand need to run.This is not a healthy relationship.And you will never be satisfied in this relationship. You’re the third wheel.